My brain flooded with so many emotions. I was proud. So fucking proud. I got it away , I did it. I stood up for myself.
Little did I know I was still so incredibly naïve. I was supposed to be a grown ass woman with her priorities in check , self confidence and a no nonsense attitude; instead I was a hung up over grown teenager gloating to myself about walking away from the trauma that comes with Jackson Teller.
I had just single-handedly pushed myself further away from people who loved me because I couldn't navigate my own feelings and implemented the only thing I knew , my trauma response. To run.
The thoughts played out each day for the week immediately following my last Jax encounter.
My mental health crashed. I began to question everything I was. I am woman , that I am. But why? What made me this way. What made me , the epitome of strength? Hindsight wasn't necessarily my best-friend for that week.
Hindsight brought me to 2 questions that I didn't like because I couldn't answer them.
1- The tellers , the morrows and SAMCRO loved me. What warranted my pushing them away?
2- why is it okay for jax to hurt me and to hurt him I then inadvertently hurt everyone else around me? My family.
Self reflection is a bitch when you're doing it alone and even alone , you're the one in the wrong.
It had been 2 weeks since I Decided to stop being a bitch and I started answering the calls the became less frequent due to my ignorance.
The first person to call , as they did every single day was the queen herself, Mama Gemma.
"Well I'll be. She answers her fucking phone" Gemma belted down the phone.
"Ma , I been going through the motions. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for pushing you away" I couldn't hold back my tears.
"Well baby , you know you I love you. I always have but you were goddamn wrong for shutting us out. This Family just don't do that Elias!!!! You hear me ???" Gemma exclaimed.
"Ma, i get it. I promise , I get it now. Can I come for Sunday dinner?" I solemnly begged.
"If you have to ask like this then you must have lost your goddamn mind during that bullshit but yes , you know it'll always be a yes. You Stupid fucking bitch" Gemma's tone softened a little more "I love you Elias. I know why but I don't know how. I'll see you tomorrow"
My next call was a little easier .. Opie.
"Oh wow , she's not dead" I heard opie mutter then he was cut off and I heard .. "is it her? Is she ok?"
"Ope , I just wanted to call and say I'm sorry. I love you and I thank you for checking in even when I didn't answer but I listened to every message you left. Call me back when he's gone"
I still wasn't ready to speak to Jax but I know I had to, especially tomorrow.
My third call was to Renee , god knows this was going to be tough.
"Hey baby girl. I'm glad you called , how you doin?" The familiarity in the voice brought me so much comfort.
"Hey tiggy. I'm healing. I'm resetting. I am okay. I miss you. How are you?"
I'm only guessing Tig mouthed who was calling.
"OH SHE KNOWS HOW TO FUCKING RETURN HER BEST FRIENDS CALLS? HANG UP ON THE BITCH. HANG UP TIG " Renee screamed in the background
Take the fucking phone and talk to her Tig whispered at Renee.
Renee put the phone to her ear because I could hear her take a breath and then I heard a quiver.
"E. Why did you shut me out. I really needed you. You really needed me"
This time I couldn't control myself. I sobbed so loudly I couldn't breath. I sobbed so violently I almost had a panic attack.
"Nay , I had to. I had to figure out what brought me here. I had to figure out why I was so stupid and hurt. I just hit rock bottom. I'm sorry. " I almost screamed.
We sobbed for 30 minutes before we made plans to meet up at Gemma's early in the afternoon to help prepare for dinner.
Sunday came and I managed to muster up some courage to get me in the shower and adhere to my usual schedule. This time , I added a work out in the back yard and the sun trickled through the early morning clouds.
For the first time in months I was able to breath without the dull ache in the pit of my soul that was Jackson Teller.
For the first time In years I was able to breath without thinking of the disdain I had for Tara, my kin.
For the first time in my life I had processed trauma and I was able to breath without anger. I was able to process and analyse everything around me and seize what I had lost , Time. My time was consumed by my mind and heart that had become clouded with murky emotions and deep seated love , betrayal and utter confusion. I made choices based on what I felt , not what would benefit me or the time I so preciously held. That we all hold.
I went about some what of an old routine. Breakfast , cleaning , shower , make up. It was 12pm by the time I had finished all I needed to do so I decided to grab all that I needed to take to Gemma's and stopped by the supermarket.
I walked into the supermarket and saw Tara who looked utterly disturbed to see me. I made eye contact and gave a half smile.
My encounter didn't stop me, I went about my business and got everything I needed for potato salad and cheesecake.
My stomach knotted itself as I loaded the car , jumped in and made the drive to Gemma's. I was anxious.