I drove for what felt like hours when in reality it was only 15 minutes.

Is this what it's come to? I thought to myself.

'I've made this drive thousands of times before. I know the way here like the back of my hand. Why the fuck have my feelings destroyed my perception of my family? ' - I was bewildered at how much of an obstacle my own internal thoughts and feelings had become. I was livid that the drive , the home and the people I knew so well were entangled in my mess.

As angry as I was at Jax and as much as I loathed Tara , they never drove these people away , I did. I have to give credit where credit is due ; This time I was to blame for my isolation.

I sat in the car for 10 minutes further to gather myself and give myself a pep talk, I was glad I got here earlier to help and catch up with Renee and Gemma.

I gathered all my things , locked the car and headed to the door. Before I was able to knock , the door was already ajar so I pushed my way on in.

"Ma , I'm here"

"And so you are , good to see you baby" Gemma warmly cooed as she turned the corner.

Then THWACK - " don't ever pull that shit again Elias , I'll fucking drag you back here myself. You ignored us like we weren't shit! "

I clutched my cheek " Fuck sakes gem! " I hollered. One of the only times I've called her gem.

"Well I guess that was deserved"

After the initial shock I felt .. Home. Gemma's embrace followed by Tiggy , the same sweet scent of Musk , whiskey and cigarettes.

I half smiled and pouted at Renee who ; surprisingly seemed solemn and sad. We hugged and I felt my best friend breathe . I felt myself breathe. I truly forgot she was the other piece of my soul. My platonic soul mate.

"You must have been really hurting to shut us all out huh?"

This time I allowed myself to feel what I ran from.

"Nae I was , I was so fucking hurt. My head was so noisy I needed to stop. I needed to stop. I felt everyone was an enemy and I felt isolated" I sobbed.

I felt my heart ache shift. I felt a little bit more free and a little less broken.

As the afternoon drew closer to night I'd helped cook potato salad , deviled eggs , spoken to a few people and set the table. Gemma had basted the roast , grilled her eggplants and boiled the pasta for renees signature pasta dish.

We gossiped , we drank , we smoked. I was content.

People started to pile in. One family at a time. First opie and the kids. Donna decided she was too good for us.

Next was piney and the oxygen tank. And so on and so forth.

By 6 pm we had prepped , cooked and served all food needed to feed a small army! I guess that's what the family were , An army ready to wage war for the ones that sat at the table in the Teller-Morrow Home , our family of misfits.

As the sounds of chewing and laughing , drinking and the banging of forks on plates ensued , Jax walked in , Followed by a skulking Tara.

I locked eyes with Jax for a split second before I felt the same wave of what I can only describe of 'catastrophic euphoria' wash over me. The same feeling that lead me to running. The feeling that felt gave me butterflies , Anxiety , ecstasy and grief all at once , catastrophic euphoria.

I stood within my own power this time , against my fight or flight response and smiled as he kept his eyes locked on me and made his way around the table. Tara barely acknowledged anyone as she walked into the room , hoping to go by unnoticed.

Jax and Tara sat directly across from myself and Renee. The energy in the room shifted and it was felt by everyone in the room ; including Abel who became unsettled.

Tara then excused herself with Abel to the spare room.

Dinner went on despite the shift of mood a few times and it was wonderful. I was fortunate enough to cuddle and love on Abel before Tara whisked him home. I cuddled Renee and sat under the stars while she rolled a joint. I got so incredibly high I forgot I was mad at jax that when he came out looking for me I passed him the joint.

I had to kindly reject his offer to talk.

"E , I need you" jax whispered under his breath

"Jackson Teller , you don't need me you want me. There's a difference. You broke me. You chose Tara. You need to live with your decision. I'm not going to lie any more to you or myself. I love you and I'll always love you but i will always deserve to be put first "

"E it's not working with Tara. We're always arguin and it's always about you. I haven't been back to the house. I rarely see Abel if my mom isn't the one babysitting him"

I had never seen jax so defeated. I felt so fucking bad but I couldn't crumble. It was for the best.