Ana

It's been a week since Elliot, and his girlfriend announced they were having a baby. When they revealed the news, I was speechless. I knew they were only dating for a brief time, and then announcing their unexpected pregnancy was something that I would never have thought when they had something to tell us that night.

I am happy for Elliot, but I can't help feeling jealous and hurt that we still aren't able to have a baby of our own. Christian and I have been trying for over a year and can't get pregnant whether they get pregnant on birth control, not even a month after they started dating.

It's not fair.

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling this intense jealousy when I see Elliot's girlfriend rubbing her stomach and knowing that there is a life growing inside of her and I am not able to experience.

I also hate that Christian is acting distant this last week. More distant than he was when we were trying to have a baby a few months ago. He won't talk to me, and when he does end up speaking to me, he only gives me one-word answers.

In the end, I just hope that he doesn't resent me for not being able to give him a baby. I would hate to lose him because I can't give him a child.

Feeling heartbroken, I called my mom the day after the dinner, crying my eyes out. I was so upset that mom and dad immediately left work and drove over to our house and sat with me practically the entire day, letting me cry on their shoulder. Christian had gone into work while I took a sick day.

Mom and dad again offered to help with another round of IVF, but again, I declined their offer. I know that we can't afford a baby right now, and I don't want to make that decision when Christian wasn't there.

Elliot has been trying to call me this week, but I have left his calls unanswered. I know I'm being petty, and he didn't do anything wrong, but right now I just need time. Christian relayed my reasoning of silence, but that doesn't stop him from trying to contact me throughout the week.

It's dinner time, and I am finishing up the pasta when Christian walks into the front door. He sighs and gives me a small smile when he comes into the kitchen after taking off his boots.

He gives me a peck on the cheek before saying he is going to take a shower and leaves the kitchen without another word.

I sigh and cover the pasta sauce, so it can stay warm before heading into the bathroom.

I hate this distance between us and I need to somehow try to lighten up the depressed mood that we are both seem to be in. I take off my black flats before taking off my earrings and placing them in my jewelry box. I strip off my clothes and step into the shower behind him.

Christian is rinsing the soap off his hair when I wrap my arms around his waist. He slightly tenses when I kiss across his shoulder blades while rubbing my hands down his abs, but before I can go any lower, he grabs my hands causing me to frown.

"I'm not in the mood, Ana," he murmurs as he steps away from me.

I sigh and watch him wash his body and face. He turns his back to me and continues to shower, completely ignoring me. He has done this the whole week, keeping me at a distance. I know he's hurting from his brother's news, but I don't know what else to do or say.

My lip trembles as I leave him to his shower and hurriedly dry off before putting on a t-shirt and jean shorts. I put my wet hair in a messy bun before going back into the kitchen.

Trying not to cry, I plate our food and set the plates and forks on the dining table. I grab a beer for Christian and a bottle of water for me and set them by our plates of pasta.

I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath before grabbing the salad bowl that is full of salad and place it in the middle of the table with the smaller salad plates. I roll my eyes when I see that I forgot the dressing for the salad. I open the refrigerator to grab the salad dressing and bringing it back to the table. When I sit down in my seat, Christian appears from the bedroom dressed in a pair of pajama pants and a white t-shirt.

Still ignoring me, he sits down at the head of the table and fills his plate with salad. I follow suit before we start eating in silence. After a few awkward moments, he speaks.

"I think we should do another round of IVF."

I freeze and stare at him in surprise. "Are you serious?"

"Yes. I think it's time to accept your parents offer. Don't you?" he quirks an eyebrow.

"No. Christian we already agreed that we would wait. Remember our finances?" I frown.

He rolls his eyes and takes a long sip of beer. I stare at him confused at why he suddenly changed his mind.

"It's not like Elliot has more money than us, and they are having a baby," he shrugs.

"So, what. It's not like they were trying to have a baby, we were. We know we can't have a baby now because of money. We have that choice, and I think we should wait until we're more financially stable," I say frustrated.

"The garage is doing better, Anastasia. It was just a little bump in the road. We can try again," he argues causing me to rub my temples in irritation.

"Christian, I don't think it's a good idea," I deeply sigh.

He narrows his eyes at me. "Why don't you want to have a baby with me, Ana?"

My eyes widen, and I put my hands down from my face. "Excuse me? Of course, I do. Why would you say that?"

He angerly drops his fork on his plate and glares at me. "Because you refuse to try again."

"I am not refusing! I just want to wait for a bit longer. That's all!" I shout.

He shoves his chair back and gets up. He leans over and puts his hands on the table. "Bullshit! What is the real reason, Anastasia?"

"That is the real reason! What the hell are you talking about?" I snap, and he grits his teeth.

"No, it's not. You're afraid to try again because you know the procedure won't work. Or are you refusing to have my baby because you don't want to have one? What is it?" he shouts.

I get up from my chair and glare at him. "Of course, it won't work! I can't give you a baby, Christian! It didn't work the first time, what makes you think that it's going to work now magically?"

Christian breaths heavily while glaring at me. I look away and cross my arms over my chest and try not to cry.

"You don't know that Anastasia," he growls and leans back and starts to pace the kitchen.

I walk away and lean my hands on the kitchen island and take a deep breath. Christian continues to pace behind me as I try to calm down.

Christian is wrong. Of course, I want to have his baby more than anything, but I'm scared. I'm scared of having my parents pay for it, and it doesn't work a second time.

My head falls forward in defeat as tears start to leak from my eyes.

"I'm scared that if we try again, and it doesn't work, then I'm a failure. I want to give you a baby so bad, but I'm afraid of never having one. I don't want to disappoint you again. You have been so distant here lately," I choke back a sob as I tell him my fear.

Christian sighs and I hear him walk over to me and turns me around and wraps me into his arms. I lean my head on his shoulder as my tears continue to fall. He kisses my forehead and then speaks.

"I can never be disappointed in you. Yes, I've been disappointed that it's not working, but never at you. I'm sorry for yelling," he says against my forehead.

"It's just hard. It's hard for me to know that your brother is going to have a baby and were not. It's not fair," I stammer as fresh tears fall.

"I know it isn't fair. I fell the same, baby," he squeezes me and lays his head on the top of mine.

We stand there holding each other for a few minutes before he speaks. "We don't have to do the IVF again if you really don't want too."

I think about it for a few minutes. I know I don't want to go through the procedure again, since it was overwhelming and draining for me, but I know that having it done will increase our chances of conceiving. Some part of me wants to try again on our own and see if we can get pregnant without the IVF.

I explain to him my thoughts, and he thinks in silence for several minutes. He sighs and nods his head reluctantly. "Okay. We can do that. Can you at least start taking the medication again?" he asks hesitantly.

"The clomid?" I frown up at him.

"Yes. It will help you ovulate, right?" he nods.

"Yeah. Okay, ill start taking it again. I will call Doctor Greene tomorrow to see if she can prescribe it to me," I give him a small smile.

He sighs in relief and softly kisses my hair. "Thank you, baby."

"Were doing this?" I bite my lip and stare up at him.

He smiles and nods. "We're doing this."

AN: I'm sorry it's so short and I wanted to combine the next chapter with this one, but it didn't go together so I decided to just keep the original chapters separate.

Thank you for all who reviewed the last chapter. I know many of you were asking when they will get some happy news of their own? Unfortunately. it won't be for a while since I really want this to be realistic and show true pregnancy struggles that some go through. For many couples, conceiving doesn't take a few short months. For me, it took over three years to finally have our third, which was frustrating and heartbreaking since we did see people in our family have a baby where we were still trying for a while. It sucks, but I hope you all bare with me?

I only have two more pre-written chapters, and I am going on vacation the first weekend in August, so I won't have time to write or probably update that following week, but I will try my best in getting chapter 19 out to you soon.

Thank you all for reading and reviewing. See you next week.