We got back at around 6:30. A hike that had taken me four hours, had taken Edward – even with me as a backpack – only two. His walking speed had slowly increased as I had become more comfortable with the strange method of travel. When my stomach stopped rolling and the hairs on my neck finally settled down, that was when Edward normally took it upon himself to increase his speed. He was probably listening to my heartbeat and adjusting appropriately. I was just trying not to think about dying, and remember fun piggyback rides as a child, with Charlie.
When we finally got back to the car, Edward slowly drove us, straight to my house, explaining that Alice had already run my things up to my room at home. When Edward pulled into the driveway he made no move to exit the vehicle.
"You aren't coming in?" I asked, hope ringing through my voice. It earned a smile from Edward.
"Of course I will, but let's not push Charlie too much further today. I'll be back when you're in bed." His hand reached forward to brush some hair away from my face. I leaned into it slightly.
"Okay then. I'll see you later." I made to leave the car and then hesitated. I leaned back towards him, ignoring the pressure I had to put on the casted hand to do so, and kissed him. As soon as he realised my intentions he relaxed into the kiss, and it took my head spinning for me to pull away. Edward's eyes were closed, and when he opened them, they were excited. It was hard to tell if he was hungry, or aroused. I bit my lip, smiling to myself, as I left the car, heading out to my front door. I didn't look back as I entered the front door.
Charlie was indeed a little worried, but after I told him about my night of pampering, breakfast opportunities and the 'short' hike to a wildflower meadow, he seemed much appeased. I even informed him that I'd be spending the rest of the weekend in my room, cleaning the house, and doing laundry.
"I'm all caught up on homework thanks to Edward and Angela, so all I have left to do is clean really."
Charlie seemed to consider that for a minute.
"What's the matter?" I said and signed. He bit his lower lip, jutting out his chin as he did so.
"Would you mind if I wasn't really here tomorrow?"
"Still helping Sue with the shop?" I asked, Charlie blushed slightly.
"Well… I mean Billy and I did say we would."
"You went fishing yesterday didn't you?" I laughed. Charlie stood up a little taller.
"It was Sue's idea. We just got a little carried away. She's had all the La Push kids over there anyway, moving the smaller stuff."
"And now you're going back over tomorrow to help with whatever it was you didn't do yesterday?" I clarified. He nodded.
"Why does it feel like I'm the parent giving you permission to go?" I shook my head.
"You were always too grown up Bells." Charlie laughed. "So can I go?" he mocked.
"Yes, okay. Go play tomorrow. But stay out of trouble." I laughed.
Charlie settled down to watch some TV, and I cooked myself some ravioli from a can. It was a far cry from the Cullen's food, but I was too lazy tonight to do much else. I loaded it in parmesan cheese, and carried the bowl to my room. When I opened the door I nearly dropped my food. Edward was slumped on my bed, reading.
"Holy…" I whispered.
Sorry. He signed, putting the book down. It was one of mine, a collection of classics. I went over to the bed, handing him my food to hold while I got myself comfortable. He turned his nose up at the offensive looking dish, but made no comment.
I snuggled up against him, knowing it would limit his talking ability, but also not wanting to be bombarded with questions until I was finished the food. I tried to eat quickly, conscious of how gross it must be to watch me eat, and when I was over half done, I stopped, placing the bowl to the side of my bed and snuggling up to him again. He pulled his phone from his pocket, opening a notebook application. His fingers whizzed across the keyboard and text flashed across the screen.
Satisfying?
"What? Dinner?" I asked in a whisper.
Of course.
"Yeah. Food is food. It was a little salty, but smother it in cheese, and you're golden."
It smells disgusting to me.
"What you eat smells disgusting to me." I pointed out. "Plus – it's kind of boring." I felt his body stiffen underneath me, and he hesitated before typing something.
Explain that please?
"You get awfully uncomfortable sometimes. Mostly when I'm unpredictable I guess, isn't it?"
Yes. If I had insight into the connections your brain made I don't think I'd be so disoriented when you come out with strange sayings. Would you mind explaining how my food is boring? Hunting live animals and drinking their blood isn't exciting enough for you?
"Well if you put it like that, sure. But other than that. I mean… half the fun of food is experimenting with things. Have you ever made – I don't know – ice cream? Or snow cones I guess, out of blood? Do different creatures offer different textures? To me – it would feel a lot like eating smoothies every meal of every day. Don't you miss a little crunch?"
Edward's chest shook beneath me as he laughed.
Well if you put it like that… it is a little like eating smoothies every day. But becoming a vampire re-wires you. Suddenly smoothies are your favourite food, so getting to have them every day, is the fun part. However the animal diet is rather lack-lustre in comparison.
"Comparison to people? Or comparison to human food?"
Edward stiffened under me again, and did not answer. That, in itself, was enough of an answer.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to push. I know you don't like talking about that side of yourselves."
It's not so much that… we don't often have people to explain that side of ourselves to. Most of our kind are more interested in how we don't hunt people, instead of when we slip up.
"Have there been many slip ups?" I asked.
You want to know how many people I've murdered? He asked. I sat up, looking him dead in the eyes. His face was cold, calculating.
"No. That's not what I meant." I whispered harshly at him. "I was asking how difficult it is, or might be… I mean. If one day, maybe…" I ran out of steam mid thought. "It doesn't matter."
Edward switched to signing.
Only Carlisle has a perfect record. Rosalie's is second best. I'm second worst. It's a grueling life. Hard. Tiring. Unceasing thirst, or unending guilt. The lesser of two evils sounds simple on paper, but is excruciating at times in practice. It is not a life any of us would have chosen for ourselves.
"Without that life, Esme would have never met Carlisle. Alice would have wasted away in a mental asylum. Emmett would've been mauled alive by a bear. I don't know the other's stories, but I'm assuming they aren't any better."
That's exactly my point though. For every one of us, death was a welcome friend. But you… He motioned vaguely into the air.
"I'm not escaping anything horrific enough. Is that what you're saying? You would prefer me to have some cataclysmically life-changing and horrifying event before you'd consider letting me stay with you forever? Love isn't enough of a reason to keep me around?" I whispered, the bitterness sweeping through my short breaths. I turned away from him for a moment, grabbing my bowl of food, and angry eating a few mouthfuls. If I couldn't talk, I wouldn't say anything else damning, or hurtful. I felt the bed shift with his weight, and looked around at him.
You love me?
"I thought that was obvious." I said. "I guess I can't speak for you-" I began, but was immediately cut off by my lips meeting hard, cold ones. I kissed him back, willingly, as it was normally myself instigating kisses. When he pulled away he looked happy and I was thoroughly confused. We had been having a very dark conversation.
I love you too, Bella.
I was filled with warm flurries, and I felt my cheeks fill with heat. I saw a light flick on in the hallway, and turned to look at it, and when I looked back, Edward was gone. I pinned open the book he had left on my bed, just in time, as my door cracked open further.
"Dishes?" Charlie asked. I gave him my bowl.
"Uh, thanks Dad."
"You okay kiddo? You look kinda flushed."
"Yeah. Just exhausted from today. I think I need some sleep." I lied. Charlie ruffled my hair, and moved off, closing the door behind him. I saw a flicker of movement in my closet, and saw Edward, reappearing, smiling. He came to settle down beside me on the bed.
You really should get some rest. We can continue this talk tomorrow. He signed. I rolled my eyes at him, throwing my bedsheet over his head. I knew he'd stay under it, as I changed into some pyjamas. When I was done, I came back to the bed, uncovering him, and tucking up beside him, ready to sleep.
"If you get bored, feel free to go murder something." I yawned. I felt the disapproving gaze, but snuggled into his chest anyway. His cold hands traced relaxing patterns on my arms, and I drifted into a dreamless sleep, smelling sweetness, and feeling the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest.