I became somewhat of a recluse over the next few days - even by my standards. I could see I was worrying the hell out of the Cullens, but frankly, I had a lot on my mind. I was worried about Jacob, worried about Charlie, and still trying to practice my own control. The cigarette in my pocket was looking worn, and slightly bent from where I fiddles with it so much, nervous about burning something down. Renesmee and I would sneak out to a secluded space, and work on 'warming' me up. I was getting faster at it, but I still needed to be sitting down, and very focused for it to work. Renesmee was so good at it she could douse herself in rain, and then steam-dry her clothing. Our clothing. Whatever.
One night, we were sitting perched on a tree when Renesmee laughed suddenly. She was in the spirit form, I was doing my nightly warm-up. I jumped slightly at her abrupt intrusion of sound, and she shook her head reassuringly.
"Don't worry. Just wait here. Keep warming yourself up. You're nearly done." She leapt gracefully from the tree, and jogged off. I peeked gently under my eyelashes and saw Renesmee, standing at the base of a tree about forty yards away. She was looking straight up. My sneaky glance followed her gaze, and then my eyes popped open unintentionally. Perched, nearly indistinguishable from the tree canopy, was a defined white figure. The smallest glimpse of what I thought was blonde hair snuck through a gap in the pine needles.
"Is that you Jasper?" I asked, quietly. The figure - if possible - became more still for a moment, before dropping with unimaginable speed to the ground, lightly beside Renesmee.
If you don't mind my asking, how the hell did you know I was here? He signed at me, as he knew he was too far away for me to hear. My heart fluttered for a second. Could I do it? Could I tell him about Renesmee? Would he believe me? He approached slowly, clearly trying not to frighten.
Is this where you've been coming every night? I got some mixed scent trail strengths.
"Couldn't just let me figure my shit out for a few days?" I asked, probably too bluntly. Jasper smiled.
"Alice was worried." He shrugged. He was plenty close now.
"Only Alice?" I asked. Jasper smiled, and ran his hand through his hair.
"No. She's the most worried. She's also not really herself right now. She thinks she's losing her gift."
"Because of me?" I asked, saddened.
"You and Charlie. She can see the family clearly for the most part, but wherever you or Charlie are involved, things just go kind of fuzzy. She says Charlie's clearer, but you're almost invisible. You're giving her a headache actually. She wants to be near you, but can't be." Jasper said, his tone quieting as he spoke. His hand were forever signing his words, so that I could follow.
"I'm sorry." It was all I could say.
"The thing that gets me Bella, is that I think you know why. I sense the guilt, but not the confusion that should come with it. You're aware of what's happening, far more than any of us." Jasper looked at me intently. I didn't budge an inch. I wasn't even sure if I blinked. "Mind if I sit?"
I let him sit, and he mirrored my position, criss-crossed, on the tree. My hand began fiddling with the cigarette I'd been resting on my shoe.
"There's also that." Jasper pointed to it. "You're pretty straight and narrow Bella. Rose would even call you boring. Since when did you start contemplating a smoking habit?"
I twirled the cigarette in my hands, and looked past Jasper, to Renesmee, for aid. She smiled back, shaking her head.
"Oh no kiddo. This is the most unique situation I've ever been in. This is your life, your family. Your choice. Just hold on to that cigarette in case things get a little emotional." She said, coming to stand beside us both. My eyes flashed back towards Jasper, but he'd noticed.
"And there's that. Like you're watching for something. My initial speculation was you were remembering, daydreaming, but the severity and regularity became much too great." He stopped again, as if wondering if he should continue his monologue of questions, or finally try and coax me into answering one.
"Have you discussed all this with the others?" I asked, curious about my surroundings while I was absent or asleep.
"To a point. With Alice, yes, everything. Carlisle suspects I have more to say than I've asked him about, but he won't push. I don't know how much he's suspected or noticed, Edward is normally the-"
I tightened my grip on the cigarette, and exhaled sharply through my mouth with what I can only assume was a very audible 'whoosh' noise. Jasper froze and moved impossibly quickly, placing his hand on my knee instantly. The pain subsided, almost as quickly as it came. He leaned back again, but the calming effect still lingered.
"Apologies. That was careless and thoughtless of me." He said, sincerely. I took a long deep breath. He continued talking, probably to make me feel more comfortable again.
"You haven't been the same. You haven't been Bella. You weren't particularly predictable, but your emotional climate has shifted so dramatically. It's like there are three versions of you now. The version I first met, the version I'm speaking with now..."
"And the other one." I began, "The one you can't explain. The one who feels old-"
"Watch who you're calling old." Renesmee butted in.
"-who feels lost, and distant, but strong and powerful." I added, my eyes slipped over to Renesmee again. She looked so natural in this setting. Although her clothes mirrored my own, as they always did, her black straight hair gleamed in light that wasn't technically shining on her. He russet skin, and dark eyes shone just as brightly, as she watched, and waited, to see how I'd do this. I looked back to Jasper, who was poker-facing his posture, face, even his eyes. He may as well have been a marble statue.
"When..." I couldn't do it. I couldn't speak his name. Even with the forced calm I was experiencing, it was as though my body was afraid of letting it out. I tried another tactic, staring into golden eyes. His didn't have the same dizzying effect. They weren't my gold eyes. These were Alice's. "When I got lost, in the woods, I met someone. She found me, accidentally, and... latched on." It sounded lame even to my standards. "We've been compromising, on who gets to use the body since. It's challenging."
Jasper was as still, and unyielding in his thoughts on my speech, as before. He sat, a neutral party, listening. The words suddenly dropped out of me in a version of calm panic that I was unsure I'd ever be able to replicate again. It was the desperation, the relief of finally sharing. I wasn't crazy.
"She has a hard time with my inability to hear. I have a hard time with her brashness, and confidence. She doesn't know how to sign. I couldn't even identify the languages she speaks, let alone use them. She's been trying to protect me, but has met vampires in the past, and has a kind of prejudice. She much prefers the comfort of the reserve. She's trying to hold back, and let me figure out my own life... but she gets antsy when she doesn't speak for a long while. She's been helping me with my nightmares. She's kind. She's real. I'm not crazy. I thought I was for a while. Then I set my house on fire, and she's been stopping me blowing up your house too." I stopped, and looked over to her. "Are you going to help explain any of this, or not?"
Renesmee smiled. "I think you're doing a fair job."
I snapped my jaw shut in irritation, and turned back to Jasper. He was looking at his hands.
"So where exactly do you go when she's using your body?" he asked, tone neutral.
"Wherever she was last. I keep mentally calling it my 'spirit body'. When we switch, we just switch bodies. We can walk around, unheard, unseen as the spirit body though." It occurred to me that proof may be handy. "Remember when you were talking to Alice the other day. I was downstairs watching Esme cook, and you were discussing whether or not I'd gone bipolar. You said that Renesmee - that's her name - felt like Carlisle. Old and curious."
Jasper looked visibly concerned now, his lips parted slightly in the tiniest sign of shock.
"I try not to peek into conversations." I tried to assure him. "Most of the time I'm hanging around my body when Renesmee is driving it, just in case she does something I wouldn't sanction."
"Tell him to hold up a number behind his back." Renesmee said, moving behind Jasper where she could clearly see. I repeated the request. Jasper moved his hand behind his back.
"Two. Four. One. Four again." I relayed. Jasper placed his hand back on his knee, looking alert, and peered around, at the empty clearing. He opened his mouth to say something, and then stopped. Then he started again.
"What did you mean when you said you set your house on fire?" He asked. My eyes dropped, guiltily, to the cigarette in my hand.
"Renesmee has a gift too, like you, or Alice. Hers is to do with fire. It's very emotionally driven though - at least for me. I had a really, really bad nightmare. When I woke up, my whole room was burning. Renesmee threw me out of my body, and climbed us out of the window, down the tree, and to safety. I'm holding this in case I get a strong emotional wave" I showed him the worn cigarette. "I'm supposed to focus on it, so that it will burn, instead of whatever is around me. We're out here practicing control."
Jasper sat, looking flabbergasted for words.
"How do you see her?"
"I don't know. She's sharing my brain, so it made sense to me."
"No, apologies, I meant, how does she look to you?"
"Like Jacob. Native American I mean. She's always in my clothes though. When I'm in the spirit version, I can't see her anymore, just myself - my body - walking around. It's very much like a waking nightmare. If she was malicious in intent, I doubt she'd ever let me back in. Instead, as I said, she tries to let me drive as often as possible."
"Would you let her speak now?" He asked. Quicker than the words were out, I was standing beside myself and Jasper, and Renesmee smiled, a very relaxed and relieved smile.
"Nice to finally talk to you, Jasper."