My fire had been something truly magnificent to behold. That's what they kept telling me.
I felt like I'd been drug unwillingly through a desert, then stamped on for good measure. Muscles I didn't know existed were sore, everything felt achy - like I'd had a fever, and my lips, skin, even my hair was dry. I rolled over on the couch I was laying on, so that I was facing the window. Outside, I could see Carlisle and Jasper, walking and talking, with Jacob and Sam. The four of them paused for a moment, to take a short break, sitting on the grass, while they spoke. I could catch glimpses of what Carlisle was saying, as he was facing directly towards me, but most of it was in reference to things and places that I didn't understand.
Along the gorge by the redwood... undisputed... protection from outside influences.
The fact that the four of them were getting along, talking, and being civil was mind-boggling. Literally the last time I had seen all of them in one place we had been on the verge of a war.
I'd been unconscious for two days, in a full body coma essentially. Carlisle and Esme had told Charlie I had a fever, and that he kept missing me when I was awake. He'd been out of the house at work, and sorting out a new place for us to live, so he wasn't overly concerned that I'd been in bed asleep for the moments he saw me. It probably helped ease his mind that we were living with a doctor. During those two days, a new treaty was being brokered between the Quileute tribe, and the Cullen family. The old one had been broken after all - when Edward had bitten me. But now, I - living and attached as I was to the Cullens, and holding Renesmee in my body half the time - was providing leverage for both sides to reopen negotiations. He also had managed to avoid all of the wolf-vamp meetings, with some careful watching and planning from Alice. The two sides had made some significant leaps, but the trust thing was still a little mucky. The only one totally fine with the entire vampire situation was Jacob - and that was because of Renesmee.
As soon as I had woken up the first time, I had found the two of them together, her in spirit, he in wolf form, both of them sitting in my bedroom. She had been talking to him, and he had been making appropriately interesting dog noises back. She refused to leave my side, and he refused to leave hers. Imprinting they called it. It was tricky, and weird, and beautiful all at the same time. It was also - apparently - a unique instance, because instead of the usual one-sided imprint that happened with the wolves, both parties here had imprinted with each other. They were as destined to be together, and as inseparable as the two sides of a coin.
I was extremely envious, and trying not to think about why. The whole situation was kind of cool, because my best friend could spend more time with me, and my family, without worrying about tribe wars, or supernatural abilities, which could have been a huge deterrent. Everything was just out in the open, and almost comfortable, at least for the most part, and I'd been the catalyst for it.
Apparently I'd created not a small wall of fire, but a fantastically house-engulfing one. There was a perfect circular ring of bare earth around the Cullen house, from where my blaze had burned. The Cullens and wolves had never seen anything like it. That made me feel odd. I should probably feel proud, or excited, or something similar, but all I could feel was... burden. The burden of power? Or of fear? Fear of abilities that I couldn't control, barely harnessing with Renesmee's tutelage. I resolved to stay in bed for as long as I could.
There was one other thing to process, besides the momentous events of the past few days. Renesmee hadn't noticed yet. She hadn't spent any time in the physical body since I had blacked out, so that was probably a contributing factor. At first, I hadn't noticed either. The Cullens always talked near me with ASL accompanying their speech, so I hadn't noticed the change. But when Charlie had begun to talk to me, after seeing me up and around for the first time in two days, that's when I felt the pit of my stomach roll.
I couldn't hear him. I heard some of his words, but my hearing had certainly declined. I listened, staring intently, at my surroundings, at the things I should be able to hear. It was quieter than ever. I could still hear Jacob's booming voice, but even that was missing tones now. And Jacob - bless his enthusiasm - was not the signer that the Cullens were. I wanted to ask Renesmee about it. I also didn't want her to worry. Was it the fire? The exertion? The coma? If I pulled another stunt like that - would I go permanently, and completely deaf?
I had no idea.
My days began passing quickly, and in a blur. With the supernatural stresses easing around me, and my life and death situations leveling themselves out, my existence became strained. I lived between moments; only coming alive to learn meditation and focusing techniques. I tried to avoid imposing on Renesmee's time with Jacob. I tried to avoid imposing on the Cullens. I tried to avoid complicating life any further for my father. In general, I tried to avoid everything. I would sleep, or walk in the woods, or sit in front of a lit candle, playing with the flame that now made no impacts on my skin. I had almost perfected Renesmee's warming/evaporating rain technique. It took me a few minutes, where she took a few seconds, but I could do it, and in a controlled way.
One day, I couldn't be sure which one, I was sitting in front of an empty candle on the deck outside, when Carlisle appeared in front of me. He sat, cross legged, facing me, and began to sign.
Your hearing has gotten worse hasn't it?
Please don't tell anyone. I don't want them to worry.
When did it deteriorate?
After the firewall. Not sure if it was the coma, or the firewall thing itself.
Do you find your hearing taxed during the mental exercises you practice with Ness?
Ness? I asked, shocked for a moment. Carlisle smiled and re-signed 'Renesmee'.
It's what Jacob has taken to calling her. It's caught on a little. Certainly easier to sign and say. I would say that I'm surprised you hadn't heard it yet, but now I understand why.
Ness. It seemed like such a short summation. Such an ordinary name. At least Renesmee sounded complicated, like her. But, if she was using it too, then perhaps that's how she wanted to be now. Perhaps she wanted life to be simple and ordinary. It would certainly be much simpler without me walking around. She and Jacob could be so happy. I could almost picture their life together, content and loving, something I would never have the honor to experience. The candle in front of me flickered dangerously. I took a deep breath.
Uh... no. Or maybe. I hadn't noticed really. Usually I'm too focused on trying to avoid distractions and get whatever task she's set aside done. Look. I've been working on this one. I leaned forward, putting my hand close to the candle. I blew, and the candle flame seemed to roll off of the wick, landing in my hand. I brought it close to my other hand, transferred it to my pointer finger, and then back to the candle.
Incredible control. And it doesn't seem to affect you physically - touching the flames I mean.
Sort of. I feel kind of dried out when I do these. I felt like I'd been baked in an oven after the firewall.
Some kind of internal dehyrdation? A defense mechanism perhaps? It could be linked to your hearing - perhaps fluid transfer in your brain or ears? You should probably stop practicing until we know more.
"No!" I said, too harshly, and far too quickly. Carlisle's eyes lit with concern. I continued, signing again. It doesn't really matter if the practice is causing my hearing loss. I need to practice. I need to make sure I don't blow anyone up accidentally. No more houses, no more injuries. Besides... it passes the time.
I stole the candle flame again, splitting it into two, then three, then four, pieces, attributing each flame to a finger. By the time I had ten flaming fingertips Carlisle had still not moved. I pulled them all together, and set them on top of the dry wick again.
I understand. Carlisle signed. He looked back towards the house. Your father is coming.
I blew out the candle, rolling it towards the house, and out of sight. It was simply a summons for dinner. I hadn't noticed the time. I rarely felt hungry anymore. If it weren't for the diligence of the Cullens, I wonder if I'd remember to eat at all.
.
.
Edward
It had been long enough that my eyes were no longer red. When I could stand to look at myself in the mirror, they were black. Admittedly, they were blacker than they had ever been before. I finally felt physically the toll that Carlisle's first few weeks of death had taken. It got to a point were you weren't even in pain any more. It was as if my brain had given up sending whatever signals related to hunger or thirst. I wasn't sure how long I had been gone. Weeks certainly. The days were blurred, and confusing. I had spent them active, and busy. I had given myself the menial task of trying to find James' mate, Victoria.
After James had attacked, and provoked us, Victoria had disappeared. Emmett had lost her in the ocean. I began to track north along the coastline, trying to detect any scents or signs, talking to anyone who might provide an image of her. I found nothing. The phone in my pocket buzzed again. I reached down to delete the message. Alice had tried almost daily to contact me. Carlisle, Esme, and even Jasper had contributed. I deleted all of their messages, never answered their calls. I needed time, and space. Those were two things my family seemed to be having a hard time with.
I had almost killed her. I had killed her. Bella, my soul, my companion, drained by my own doing, my own lack of self control. The morbid jokes she made had come to fruition. The trust she had in me had been obviously misplaced. She was so naive, so full of optimism.
When I had previously thought of her death, Carlisle had said "When she does, you would be much as Marcus became to Aro and Caius. A soul-less shell. It is, in my opinion, a fate worse than death, and you are too proud to let that befall you."
He had been right. In that moment, when Alice had begun tearing me away from Bella's nearly dead body, I had begun to reel, my mind, normally so calculating, had spiraled out of control. I had lived what felt like a hundred years in the moments between my body hitting the floor and Bella's eyes opening again. I couldn't do that again.
Carlisle had been wrong. It wasn't that I was too proud to let it befall me, it was that I was too weak.
I wasn't strong enough to lose her a second time. If she asked me again, I'd have to change her. And I couldn't bear burdening her with this hell of a life.
I wasn't strong enough to go on without her.
Without me, she was safe.