(Sorry about the short chapter and long wait. Not sure when I'll be able to post again, but I'll try to get on a more regular schedule when I can)
The room was silent for about ten seconds, besides the ambient clambering of vents and machinery. Silas felt the panic slowly set in. Why wasn't she saying anything? The Silence was unbearable.
"I should give you some time." Silas said, getting up.
"Wait." Petra said. "Don't go. I've had enough time in the three years you were gone. But I'd like to ask you a few questions."
"Alright. I'll do my best to answer truthfully. What do you want to know?"
"How did this happen?"
Silas clenched his jaw and sat back down. Without speaking, he rolled up his sleeves and showed her the scars. They appeared long since healed, but it was still obvious that it had once been a deep and nasty wound. The scars followed his veins, spanning from his elbow down to his wrist. The cuts had been clean and efficient, made for a somewhat quick death, despite how painful it had been.
Tears were rolling down Petra's face but she was managing to keep it together.
"You… just told me you never wanted to die. When… when did this happen?" She asked.
Silas clenched his jaw harder. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.
"Silas, please." Petra said. Her hands were shaking and her lip was now quivering.
"Yesterday morning."
She cried for a few seconds before regaining her composure. Silas hated seeing her cry, and he hated making her cry even more. But he knew this needed to be said. She wouldn't stop asking until she got her answers, and his conscience wouldn't be clean until he told her.
"Was it because of the orders I gave? Because of me?"
"Yes. But it's not your fault."
They cuddled for the rest of the night. She cried softly for another hour. He'd never seen her cry like this before. She cried a little when he was arrested, but that was different. She was crying out of confusion and anger back then, and was able to collect herself and try to find a solution once she understood the situation. Things were different now. It was a healing cry. Her tears came from a place of despair and grief. There was nothing she could do about what had happened, even though she unknowingly played a part in it. She needed this.
No matter how hard he wanted to, Silas couldn't bring himself to cry too. It wouldn't feel right. He wasn't sure if he should be feeling guilty, but he did. His suicide wasn't selfish. He genuinely thought she didn't care for him. There was nothing to regret. He was still here. In fact, now he couldn't die. He was better off than before. So why did he feel so awful? Of course. The intention was still the same. He wanted to kill himself then. He wanted to die so he could bring an end to his own pain. That was what was making Petra cry. And that intention he once held would always be a part of him. The scars, the memory, the intention, the shame, all of it. He would never forget dying for the first time. And he would always remember why he died. Especially why he died. He would carry it for the rest of his life. He didn't want Petra to blame herself, but he knew she already did. She would carry the guilt with her as well. Possibly forever. And he doubted there was anything he could ever do to change that.
"I'm not going to be able to sleep." She said eventually.
"Me neither." Silas replied.
"Let's go drink. Guardians can't get hungover, right?"
"I'm sure Grey could arrange that."
Petra wiped her eyes and chuckled. "Let's go to the Tower. I've heard the guardians have a nice bar."
"They do." Silas replied. "But do you really think we should leave?"
"After everything you just told me, why the fuck not? I need to get out, anyway."
"Yeah, me too." Silas said. "I should probably let some people know I'm okay. Besides, I definitely owe you a date. It's been a while. And I could use a drink."
They took Petra's ship. It hadn't changed a bit since Silas had last rode in it over three years ago. It was still messy, some of the trash might've even been the same. It was funny, he had no idea he still remembered all these little details about her, such as the way she tapped her fingers on the control wheel, or how she always gazed out the windshield at the galaxy when flying.
"How will they react when we get to the tower?" Petra asked.
"Well, the last time they saw me, I was being arrested. I'm sure they'll be pleased that I'm alright. Amanda and the Vanguard may have some questions, but I doubt it'll escalate past that."
"Good. We can't afford a conflict with the Tower."
They made it through the atmosphere and the Last City eventually came into view. Silas hadn't seen it like this in over three years. Petra slowed the ship down as they got closer to the tower's hangar. She began preparing the ship to land. He knew something was wrong as soon as she landed. It was way too empty. He'd never seen it this empty before. The bay door closed behind them and several guardians ran out with guns pointed at the ship. The three members of the Vanguard were among them.
"Come out with your hands up!" He heard Holliday's voice boom from over the loud speaker. "Nice and easy, I'm sure y'all know better than to try anything."
"Hey, Silas?" Petra asked.
"Yeah?"
"I think it might've escalated."