I'm offering you today a funny chapter hoping that in return you brighten my spirit, after a very difficult day. My Magzillasaurus was my beta angel, once again xxx
Chapter Eighteen
"My back hurts."
"I can't feel my arms."
"My nose is intoxicated!"
"Oh, my heart breaks for all of you," Ginny lamented with her hand against her chest, "You had all worked so hard, poor babies. Pansy, can you please comfort my brother while Daphne attends to the other poor soul? Blaise, you look green in the face." The redhead patted Harry's face gently, "I'm so glad you're such a brave man." The wizard didn't hide his amusement.
Daphne battled her eyelashes, "It such a pity that our Slytherins don't have more courage to tackle a difficult hurdle. The world is really up to the women."
"Yo, sister, don't exaggerate, that filthy toilet is waiting for us…" Pansy reined in Daphne. It was their turn after lunch. "'Herms' my girl, can you watch over your pale wizard, he looks a bit grey…"
"Don't worry, I know how to revive him." She rubbed Draco's hair as if it was Crookshanks she was patting. "You're scarred for life, eh darling? Poor wizard."
"Do you know how gross the whole session was? Plus, your face wet from a baby's pee, no thank you."
"Tell me what will you do if your son needs a fresh nappy?"
"Yell after the elf, love. They love it." Something told him it wasn't the correct answer. This was a fish to fry when the time came, and not a second before. "Have mercy, Hermione."
"My heart breaks for you. Really."
Ron added his two knuts for the first time, "It reeked, it pissed in my face, and the pile seemed to grow instead of diminishing. I'm not doing household tasks, it's official. I'll employ one of those damn elves."
"Ronald."
"The elf will be freed, I'll pay him a salary and give him clothes, 'Mione. Don't worry…"
This whole test was becoming the opposite of her intentions, by the looks of it. Vengeance and proving the usefulness of a house-elf compared to her initial 'share in the household tasks as Muggles do'. Even Ron was a lost cause, damn...
-oOo-
The witches had paid proper attention to the wizard's test and all appeared with extra supplies. Extra long gloves, mouth masks like those of the Healers at St. Mungos and hair in a knot above their heads for the extra practical measure.
"Do you ladies require a new rundown of events?"
"No, Mrs. Weasley, we know what to do." Pansy was extra sticky sweet, it looked more and more that Molly was going to be her mother-in-law, a good first impression was imperative.
"Molly, we'll do all these tasks but according to our own order." The sooner I've cleaned that pot, the better. "If we may?" Hermione counted on the soft side of Ron's mother to achieve her goal.
The head house-elf wanted to intervene, but McGonagall outdid him, "Yes, of course, my dear. In the end, all tasks have to be accomplished, if you choose another sequence, so be it."
Boombox was fired up, filling the room with upbeat sounds, the musical motivators as it were, in the shape of the funky "Le Freak".
The girls-gang as Ginny had named them, tackled the toilet first, brushes high in the air. "Prepare to die at the hands of a Weasley, filthy pot!" The mood was set.
Hermione and Ginny made it short shrift, brushing the filthiness away with vigorous moves, the white porcelain bit by bit appearing beneath the dirt. They flushed it often enough to see the results and dissipate the smell that still intruded through the mask.
Daphne and Pansy copied every move, but their progress was less quick because of the lack of power. Daphne courageously attacked her issue, holding the thought that if the men could, so could she.
Pansy, however, flushed more than scrubbed and between one of those flushes, her brush got sucked up. "Damn you, you can't have my brush, demon. Give it back!" She pulled with all her might, both hands on the handle. It didn't move an inch. "Hermione, this thing is attacking me! Arghhhh!" She pulled. And pulled, feet spread for more leverage. And pulled harder.
A weird gurgling sound was the bad omen.
"Give me this shitty thing back, wanker!" That last push was one too many. A whole brown flush of water soaked Pansy up from head to toe, covering her in the gunk she cleaned minutes before. She froze for a moment before screaming her lungs out in disgust, overpowering the sound of the music.
Hermione and Ginny were stunned but ran to the witch to clean all they could, while the house-elves - officially labelled as rascals later that day - laughed their heads off, foot stomping included, joined by the majority of the wizards watching. The Slytherins knew better than to ridicule their friend, her vengeance known to be delivered without remorse; however, it bubbled in their bellies to burst into laughter as well.
The surprise wasn't entirely over. A ginger blur ran down the stands to the despaired witch, wand in hand, "I've got you, Pansy. Scourgify. Don't cry anymore, look, baby, look it's all gone." The room went quiet, aside from the music in the background.
Slowly, Pansy perceived her clean body, stared at the blushing wizard who was panting, and pulled him into a heated embrace, kissing the hell out of him. Molly was stunned, McGonagall laughed behind a hand, and the laughs from the stand became howls of cheering. Loud applause rose over the full room.
Embarrassed with the attention, Ron stumbled back to his place, his face blushing deeper than ever.
"Man, we owe you one." Blaise looked in awe at the Gryffindor.
Draco extended a hand, which was accepted, absentmindedly, "You've got my respect, Weasley. We won't forget this."
Molly broke the moment, by clapping her hands, "Back to work, ladies!"
The incident had a benefit, the toilet was cleaned thoroughly from the power of the water flush. Relieved Pansy picked up the sponge and scrubbed the sink clean, with shaky moves.
"Pansy, are you alright?
"Hermione, tell me, can this thing explode too?"
"No…" Hermione chuckled softly, "It's safe." She rubbed Pansy's back soothing, "I guess it's official now, Molly saw you two kiss."
"He's a hero!" The genuine compliment was covered with adoration. Hermione suspected that from now on, Ron could do no harm, in the girl's eyes.
-oOo-
From the bathroom task to the dishwashing duty. As Harry suspected, the pile grew almost invisible a few times before it decreased; Hermione was going to have a decent chat with the Headmistress, about the elves' behaviour. Something was clearly amiss in the housekeeping department.
Showing Pansy and Daphne step by step how to clean the pots, both witches were visibly relieved that their nails were safely inside the rubber gloves. Daphne had at first soaked the pots, remembering Harry's advice earlier; sharing the tip with her best friend, who nodded gratefully.
"Hermione, a bit more and I'm barbequing the fattest of the house-elves if I hear them giggle one more time." Ginny felt murderous, blowing off a bubble of soap from her nose.
"I didn't think they would be so cruel, it's like they are picking a bone with us, a long overdue bone by the looks of it."
-oOo-
"Your Ginny is sending deadly looks at the Elves."
"Hermione is the biggest Elves-friendly person, but even she seems to be at the end of her tether too. Malfoy, have you ever saw an elf ridicule a witch before?"
"No, and they should feel happy that Pansy didn't have her wand on her, or blood would have been spilt."
"Ron was her hero."
"I guess the man can do no wrong from now on, Potter."
-oOo-
They puffed and grunted, but in the end, the stuck-on remains came loose, with the victory cries of several witches; escaping hairs were shoved behind ears, heads looked up to the ceiling, here and there a raised arm. Hermione was no better, expressing her relief. "I almost thought there came no end to the torture."
"Don't tell Theo, but I feel it in my arms too."
"We don't say a word to the wizards, we mocked them earlier and now are complaining about the same issues. If the Ministry ever re-uses your plan, they must tackle this house-elf revenge affair, it stings." Pansy's remark was not off the mark.
Daphne stretched, cracking her back loudly, "The dusting, Hermione, show us how it's really done, don't give us the dramatic version please."
"It was fun, though…"
"We had more fun than we need, for one day, in my opinion."
"First, the duster and then the vacuum, or you may restart dusting again." Hermione sought the feathery tool.
"However girls, nothing is stopping us from dancing the frustration off. Sis, pump up the volume!" Searching for the exact track was a piece of cake, as it was one of Hermione's favourites to clean to. 'Pump up the Volume' filled the room, louder than the previous tunes.
"Missus, music is too loud for the house-elves!" The chief among the elves tapped his foot annoyingly in a contra-beat.
"Put cheese in your ears, you little rascals." Payback could really feel amazing, thought the brunette, increasing the sound some more. The house-elf huffed, but she threatened, "Listen, you mean devil, complain harder, and I'll increase the volume. Now get lost!" She did feel murderous at this point.
The staring contest continued, angered eyes versus hand above the button. Until McGonagall intervened, "Use a noise-cancelling spell, Pesky, I'm sorry, I meant Peachy." As they all hoped, Minerva planned already to have a chat once back inside the castle's walls.
Hermione one, Peachy nought.
-oOo-
"At this point, I'm sure the spewy thing from Hermione is dying a slow death. She was out for blood." Harry chuckled, recognising a pissed-off witch in her glory.
"When Hermione's ire hits the fan, hide your skin!" Ron had been on the end of her wand enough times to know the drill. "In your case, Malfoy, steer away from her left hand."
It was still vivid in his head, the blond rubbing his cheek at the memory. "Thanks for the advice, I haven't forgotten it."
-oOo-
Music did make dusting easier, hips wiggled as much as heads went from left to right. Forgetting their frustrations about certain little creatures, Hermione and Ginny engaged in a "Kiss" choreography: tight waist movements, using the back of the dusters as microphones.
Prince's beat became the beat of their dusting, both women dropping and raising in a sensual move back up. They forwent their buns, releasing their manes in the air because dancing with your hair waving around felt more than liberating. Between their laughters: sensual snake rolls, head slams and hip wiggling.
Finally, the song moved on to a less heated tune, Ginny high-fiving Hermione in comradeship.
"Girl, you are going to teach us how to dance, Herms." Pansy looked between jealousy and awe. "If there's one wizard up there without a boner, then he's an eunuch."
It woke them from their daydream, "What?"
Daphne had a wistful tone, "You drew all the attention, clearly unwillingly. I want to learn it as well, not to seduce, but there's something about dancing like that."
Ginny wrapped her hair again above her head, "It's all Misses fault here, with her telly music movies. I knew bollocks about dancing until she showed me, how is it called? MKD?"
"MTV, Ginny."
"You should see how Muggle girls dance, Pans. Shorts just below your arse, high heels and hair super wild." To demonstrate it, the bun was destroyed once more, fingers losing up the strands to spread it open. "Like this, right, Hermione?"
"Yep, and you forget about the tank tops just up to here," Hand showed the line below the bosom, "Some really have flat and tight bellies."
"Just as you do, there's not one ounce of fat too much on you, neither on me." Forgetting their surroundings, Ginny rose her shirt and patted her tummy.
"Where do we find that M-thing?"
"Tomorrow, gathering at my house, put on some sports attire, I going to make you sweat!"
-oOo-
"Malfoy, Ginny dances like this at home, behind closed doors, if you get what I mean." Was Potter showing off or sharing advice?
"What are you suggesting?"
"I've heard that song multiple times, and it leads to more than gratifying other activities, the type you also must be acquainted with," Harry spoke without staring at the blond for once. This was boy's talk, even if it came with the blush to go along. "I'm just saying, do as you wish…"
"Where did Hermione learn all this? Not from McGonagall."
"Oh please, don't give me that mental image!" Harry hid his face in his hands, "Does Minerva even know dancing steps other than the Waltz?"
"Probably not." Potter can be entertaining, "Mate, where did she learn all this? I'll have to forbid her from dancing this seductively in front of other blokes."
"Good luck with forbidding Hermione to do something…"
"Potter, aren't you jealous of all other wizards oggling your girl's assets? Only eunuchs don't have a boner just now!"
"Malfoy, in the end, I'm the one taking her home and - pardon my English - fucking her into the mattress. Not them."
"Potter, you have that luxury, I don't."
"Yet."
-oOo-
The fun kicked in, Hermione sticking her tongue out to a nearby elf, while she vacuumed around as if she was flying a broom.
"Is that how it goes?"
"No, Daphne, but I don't care about how it goes any longer. It's this, or me knocking on a house-elf's head with my duster. Let them sue me." She stopped giving a shit about the test, at a certain point; the idea was to be able to adjust, not to be bossed around by some creature that barely reached her waist.
"Missus missed a spot." Peachy was on the warpath, lecturing finger pointing at the corner.
"Do it yourself, Pussy."
"The names is Peachy, not Pussy."
"After I'm done with you, you'll sing like a pussy!" Evil Hermione made an appearance. "Sho!" There must have been a glint in her eye, to make the elf retreat some steps. A chin jerk followed, satisfied. Her rebellious demeanour was copied around the room.
The final stage: the nappy.
Being restricted by the Headmistress to hex the participants, the elves tweaked the content of the baby's diaper, with a click of a finger. Peachy did it, in slow motion, staring Hermione in the eye with a revengeful glare.
Minerva whispered to Molly, "I don't understand what's going on…"
"I guess you must have a talk with your staff, Minerva. Frustrations are being vented, in a most unpleasant way. I'm glad you decreed a no-magic against any wizard before we started, or blood might have spilt by now."
"I'm making notes of this event, they are really frustrated somehow…"
The witches who approached the bench with the doll, were oblivious for a few seconds until they laid hands on the babies.
A general "Ugh!" floated around, all disgust, the nappy's content was the smelly one.
"Hey, you tiny little shit, the blokes had the pee!" Pansy was furious, it was the second time today she had to deal with real shit.
The elves' mocking grins left nothing to the imagination.
-oOo-
"Is it normal for elves to be so vengeful?" Harry asked around, unfamiliar with the creatures' normal demeanours.
"Hell no, and Hermione's rebellion is only going to increase their vengeance. They can be little shits if they really want." Theo focussed on Luna who was peeling of the garments of the baby with a dreamy smile on his face, nothing really tears her down. She's awesome.
"Yet, my girl a hellcat alright." Draco couldn't hide the adoration, wand discreetly in hand to counteract any hex from that annoying elf who always came to harass his witch. Previously, he had cast a silent Protego during the dusting confrontation. He had her back, outside her knowledge. Life at home would never be boring, so much he knew already.
-oOo-
The wave of poo stench took the breath away from every witch, "How can little things produce such a nasty nappy." Ginny was grossed out.
"Daughter, I wiped your behind often enough wondering the exact same thing…"
"Mum, not in front of others…"
The smell was nothing compared to the sight, a few women gagging soundly in the background.
Daphne lost her poise, "I'm only tackling one of these with tweezers and gloves from now one, and a fresh air bubble. Or, wait a minute, I know a better option! I'll put Blaise on the job!"
"Blaise eh?" Pansy rolled her eyes with extra drama, thinking similarly about Ron, "We must learn a spell to make the nappy spill its secrets before opening; we take the front part, our men deal with the backside. It's official."
-oOo-
"Ron, my man, the glare in their eyes promises nothing good."
"Blaise, I feel you, but we can't do a thing about it, can we?"
"Employ a house-elf." Draco was glad that he didn't have had such a dirty task this morning, "I'll free the damn creature, pay it a decent salary, but hell if I'm changing one of those nasty things."
"I need to see it happen first, Malfoy. It's Hermione we're talking about, you don't get away so easily, my friend. If it's a consolation, neither will I, knowing Ginny the way I do." What a shame that wizard nappies didn't clean themselves automatically…
-oOo-
Hermione gagged, she was only so strong. But, hell would freeze first if she was going to give the rascal the pleasure of seeing her chicken out of her own test. This particular job was a creation of her own, one that was biting her in the arse, spectacularly.
She opened the nappy and closed it right back. That's an excellent example of really dirty shit. Breathing deeply in and out, she sucked in some air and opened once more the disgusting diaper. Wet towel in hand, she wiped the brownish content from the skin, giggling when she had to raise the little appendage to clean underneath. Remembering Draco's issue from this morning, she laid a wet towel over the tiny penis, before it would bless her with wetness to the face. The smell was already gross enough.
A few benches away, Luna announced in a musical tone, "Oh, his back is full of brownish poo. Little baby, why did you do this to your mummy?"
Ginny looked up, gulped at the sight, noticing the mess but also how Luna really thought to be dealing with a real baby. Hermione exchanged a knowing look but returned to her own mess at hand. She ran out of wet towels, plus a pair of extra hands to keep the wiggling kid in place. It was then that she fully understood why Draco suggested using a sticking charm.
As if it was part of the program, the protective layer over the crotch fell on the ground, and a flux of pee wetted Hermione's face and by the sound of the curse on her left, also Ginny's. The accusing frown was rewarded with a loud shrill cry from a so-called scared baby. This was too much like the real thing to be just a fake, thought both women. A bit more and you would almost decide to remain childless.
Hermione nearly duelled with her baby; Pansy screamed orders non-stop to hers, and Ginny cursed fluently. Daphne was at the end of her wits. Only Luna kept cooing to the baby, cleaning all the mess patiently away.
"Luna, you're officially promoted to a nanny. Where do you find your patience?"
"It's all about the Nargles who love to bully the poor baby. Sing to him, and he relaxes." She kept mumbling to the babydoll who, on the contrary of the others, was much calmer.
"I can't sing, Lovegood!"
"Oh, the baby doesn't mind if you sing off-key, Pansy. Try a lullaby."
"I don't know those either!"
"Ron will give you a Christmas book with children's songs, I'm sure."
Daphne taunted, "Unless he gives her a cookbook first!"
"Thank you for the vote of confidence, ladies." Pansy tried to sing, but instead of calming down, the cry only intensified, as if it begged the witch to stop with the audible torture.
Hermione gave Luna's advice a try, the baby calming down visibly, entranced by her soft voice. The rewarding smile charmed her. I'll be damned.
-oOo-
From afar, Pansy was already telling her wizard how their life would be organised, "Ron Weasley, we are getting a house-elf for the cooking and one for the babysitting. I fail at both." However, the demands sounded more as confessions than orders. "I only know how to be pretty. I don't dance, I can't sing, I can't clean…"
Ron hugged her, "Oh, darling. Don't be sad, we'll figure it out…" He was at a loss, honestly. Pansy lacked talent at everything his mother excelled at, his deepest wish, in the beginning, was to find a woman that could compare to her. Pansy was the complete and chaotic opposite. But, her smile, her passion and her adoration was so worth it… Should I ask my dad for advice?
Draco welcomed his witch with open arms. She sought safety curled against his chest, "I don't want to hear the name House-elf for the rest of the week!" His deep chuckle giving her the comfort she desperately needed.
"I'll tell Tibby."
"I was this far from kicking the ass of that Pussy-Peachy-Pesky thing." Fingers barely spread, "Don't laugh, I mean it!" She poked him in the chest, "That rascal drew the blood from under my nails, and I know I've always been friendly to them." Hermione growled. "I want to smash something tonight."
"Sister, me too!" Ginny clearly got the yips. "If I get my hands on that creep…"
"We'll be known as the Elves-torturers, I'll help." Pansy didn't forget their mocking either.
Harry suggested, "We can go bowling in Muggle London?"
"Perfect, Harry!" His suggestion, a gods gift.
Blaise raised his both hands, "Hold your hippogriffs, and explain to the simple folk what the hell is bowing?"
Harry gave the short version, "You slam a ball against pins to smash them down. The easy way to work out frustration with zero bloodshed."
Draco decided for everyone, "We're bowing." Rather the pins than his chest.