"What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Gracie was clearly disturbed, as she stared at Hermione with a look that could only mean that she was on a verge of crying.

"I could ask the same thing, you know? Why are you crying?"

"Am not! But I will be, if you're not going to explain to me why have you turned him down?! Who does that?! He's Sirius Black!", the girl yelled and Hermione opened her mouth with disbelief.

"How did you find out?!"

"Because he turned down Alicia Flemmings from Hufflepuff, saying that he was interested only in you. And I don't see you snogging him senseless, so I figured you must have said no to him. Thus, my question. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Hermione scowled, as her ears threatened to burst. Grace certainly had a voice that could shatter glass, making everyone around very uncomfortable.

"Nothing's wrong with me. I just don't want to date him", she shrugged and readied herself for another outburst.

"I'd kill to be in your place. He's..."

"... Sirius Black, yeah, I know. Which is exactly why I don't want to date him. We're better as friends", she explained trying to sound as convincing as possible, but Grace was too caught up with her own point of view to accept Hermione's opinion on that matter.

"He doesn't seem to think so. He turns other girls down, Hermione! And not by saying no. He explains that his heart is already taken! How cute is that?"

Yes. Very cute. And very troubling, in Miss Granger's eyes. She had to give to the man, he was incredibly clever. Portraying her as a cruel, heartless woman would certainly annoy her, as she desperately wanted peace and quiet. Everyone talking about her yet again was the last thing she could describe as 'desirable'.

"It doesn't matter, Gracie. I don't want him. No matter how cute he appears to be. He probably wants to get me riled up, so that I would say yes to him to gain some peace and privacy"

"Liar! Everyone wants Sirius!"

At this exact moment, Leslie joined them in the dormitory and snorted loudly.

"Not true. He's super hot, true, but I don't want him"

"You're a weirdo, that's why!"

"Well, that makes me a weirdo too", Hermione smiled and shrugged once again.

Her nonchalance might look authentic, but her insides were screaming with shame. Gracie was right, it wasn't normal not to want Sirius Black in the slightest, at least in the physical aspect. True, his personality was way too flawed to like everything about it, but his appearance. That was a completely different story and a very shallow one at that.

Hermione looked at Leslie and tilted her head to the side with curiosity.

"Why don't you like him, actually?"

"He's arrogant and treats women like toys. I know that they are not really opposed to this, but still... He shouldn't do it"

It was so easy to figure out that Leslie hated Sirius. Maybe not in a way that most people would, but he must have reminded her of someone who did wrong by her. Was it possible that someone she knew took a 'no' for a 'yes'? Or had it been something entirely else?

"He's not a bad person. Actually, his loyalty to his friends is admirable. I have no doubts that he would die for them. According to him, he had never met someone who would make him want to settle down. Those girls basically throw themselves at him and, I agree, he should turn them down and not take advantage of their stupidity. But other than that, he's a decent person", she said and furrowed her brows.

Leslie seemed to be a little embarrassed and Hermione knew that it had something to do with her thoughts, rather than words. She almost couldn't believe how no one managed to notice this girl's obvious animosity for men in general. Those Bookish Fridays were actually a nice way to blend in, but Hermione could tell that the girl did everything in her power not to participate actively in them most of the time. The girls knew about her past and yet she wanted to pretend to be unharmed, even before them. The question was: 'Why?'.

"I'm not saying he isn't. I just don't like the way he acts towards women, that's all", Leslie shrugged and averted her gaze, clearly not comfortable with Hermione's scrutinizing stare.

"Well, apparently he decided to stop and focus on just one", Gracie said, her tone a bit offended.

It was hard to blame her, since she had been one of those girl who 'threw themselves' at Sirius. Hermione knew that the girl's infatuation with Padfoot was rather platonic now, but back then, she was crazy about the guy.

"I give him a couple of days before he changes his mind", stated Leslie and dodged a pillow flying towards her.

"You can be horrible sometimes! Maybe he's decided to grow up and shaming him for the past definitely is not helping!"

"It's not like he can hear us, yeah?"

"Doesn't mean you can trash-talk him! Would you feel so good if someone called you a whore?!", Gracie asked before she could stop herself.

The room went quiet and Hermione looked at both girls with faked misapprehension. She watched as Leslie's face paled and her eyes started to fill with tears. Grace seemed to be truly horrified by her words and run towards the girl, with a guilty expression painted on her face.

"Les, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"It's okay"

Leslie's voice was quiet and so different than her usual vibrant tone that Hermione couldn't stop herself from scowling. It took everything she had to stay quiet and not ask any questions, but she decided it was the right thing to do, even the girl's behaviour pretty much told her that something bad had just happened.

Grace looked at Hermione with uncertainty, as she tried to decide whether she had just gave up Leslie's secret unintentionally, but Leslie didn't seem to care. Her eyes stayed trained on Hermione's face, betraying lots of different emotions.

"You know", she stated quietly and Hermione nodded her head, seeing no point in denying. "Who told you?"

"Actually, no one. I've noticed that some subjects made you feel uncomfortable and then I've heard that you and Ewan had been friends before. I added those two together and it became pretty obvious"

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because it's not my business, Leslie. Only you can decide whether to trust me or not. I don't know any details and, honestly, I don't care for them. All I care about is that you're hurt and scared", Hermione said and watched Leslie's expression change rapidly.

"I'm not scared!", she denied angrily, clenching her fists.

"Of course you are. You stray away from every single boy, not mentioning leaving Ewan without as much of an explanation. One doesn't do those things out of pure desire"

Leslie fell quiet, colour returning to her face as her cheeks tinged pink.

"You don't know everything about everyone, Hermione. You're not a fucking oracle", she snapped after a moment, clearly outraged.

Grace looked at both of them with a disturbed expression, chewing on her bottom lip and trying to figure out best way to behave herself. Apparently, she decided against joining their discussion and Hermione felt really grateful for that. Leslie was going to be enough trouble on her own.

"I don't claim to be. It's just very easy to spot someone's pain and suffering when you're so familiar with those feeling yourself"

Hermione's voice was quiet and calm, posing a harsh contradiction to the anger painted on Leslie's face. Hearing someone talking about pain and suffering surely seemed inappropriate to her. In her mind, no one could understand her feelings and terrors she'd been through. All those people who claimed to 'know how she felt' were liars, as none of them could relate to something so horrifying as rape.

Miss Granger would lie if she'd said that it was something she was familiar with. No... Besides Fenrir Greyback, none of her torturers has ever wanted to touch her. She was a filthy Mudblood, after all.

It didn't mean that she wasn't scarred though. Her nightmares were the ultimate proof of that. Physical pain was nothing compared to that feeling that was ripping apart her entire body, when she thought about her friends and all those horrors that they have all been through.

"Oh yeah, I've heard that one before. You probably understand how I feel, huh?", Leslie asked with irony and bitterness in her voice.

Hermione furrowed her brows and shook her head.

"No. I've never been through that. But I didn't have to. There are so many things that can make you wish you were dead, so that you wouldn't have to face living ever again. It hurts so much that you feel like you're falling apart, your whole body tearing and ripping, as your very soul tries to get away from the omnipresent pain. But it doesn't end there", Hermione's whisper seemed to dissipate Leslie's anger, that was now replaced with shock and disbelief.

"Life doesn't wait for you. It demands you to keep going, just as nothing has ever happened. And maybe it wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't for the nightmares. They make you relieve all those things you wish to forget, over and over, until you can't take it anymore. You're so broken, that it seems impossible to fix you. So you give up, letting your fear win"

The room was so silent, that Hermione could her Gracie's muffled breath, as she clearly tried to stop herself from sobbing. Hermione's words have been filled with raw emotions, something that couldn't be faked even by the finest actors. It felt weirdly liberating to say all of those things out loud, instead of trying to keep that part of her closed off from the world. It had gotten so natural for her, that she was surprised that it had still hurt so much, despite the passing time. Connecting with her feelings proved that even though she was forced to change, the old Hermione was still there, gentle and delicate as always.

Miss Granger opened her mouth with surprise, when Leslie's arms wrapped herself around her body.

"That's exactly what if feels like. But how do I ever make it stop?", her shaky voice sounded close to Hermione's ear, causing her to smile sadly.

"You don't. You just learn to live with it. You acknowledge it, but don't let it dictate the terms..."

"But what if someone hurts me again?"

Hermione fell silent for a moment, but then sighed and pushed the girl away, looking deep into her beautiful, blue eyes.

"The risk of being hurt again will always be there. But the only way to prevent it from actually happening is to fight. With everything you have. You don't let those bad people do that to you. You don't quit life, just because it got hard and almost unbearable. You make it your own again, creating new memories and a future that will outshine every single nightmare. You live"

'You live for those who no longer can', she thought as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

"Is that seat taken?"

Severus Snape stopped right in front of her desk, making Hermione blink with surprise.

"Um, yes. Amy sits here", she responded and smiled apologetically.

A moment later, the Slytherin sat down beside her and started to unpack his things, completely ignoring her words. Hermione knew very well that his behaviour was probably a result of a chat between Avery and Mulciber, but it still surprised her that he had actually decided to introduce their plan so early on.

"Haven't you heard me?"

"I have and she can sit somewhere else"

His tone was so cold and firm that Hermione saw no point in arguing. Amy would probably be angry at first, but the blonde knew that Severus Snape was not the guy to be messed with.

"Why do you even want to sit here? I was under the impression that you don't like me very much", she muttered and looked at him with puzzlement.

"I don't. You seem decent at Potions, though. Obviously not great, but definitely better than Avery"

Of course she wasn't any good. His statement made her want to roll her eyes with amusement, but she stopped herself and smiled instead.

"Thank you, I suppose. It's a great compliment coming from you"

Severus Snape flicked his gaze to her for the first time and narrowed his dark eyes. That man had the power to intimidate almost like nobody else she'd known and it took all of her strength not to flinch under his powerful stare.

"It wasn't a compliment. You're average, just like everyone else. The fact that you're not entirely brainless doesn't make you any better"

"Well, for your information, the fact that you're better at Potion's than most people doesn't mean you're actually smarter", she retorted and furrowed her brows.

It felt liberating to be able to talk back at him, without risking losing many, many points for her House, but the fact that he called her downright stupid didn't sit well with her. He used to call her an insufferable Know-It-All! And maybe he meant it as an insult, but it also implemented that she had known answers to every single question. Sure, maybe she didn't feel like 'the brightest witch of her age', but she didn't deserve to be called stupid.

She was offended enough not to notice the Marauders walking into the classroom. When Sirius had spotted her and her new partner, fury appeared on his face, as he started to walk towards them with long strides.

"Snivellus, I believe you're in the wrong place", he stated coldly, making Hermione look up with anxiousness.

Was he really going to start a fight right in the middle of the classroom? Of course he was. He was Sirius Black, after all.

"I don't think so", Snape's cold reply did nothing to lighten Padfoot's mood, as his muscles tensed even more, making Hermione chew on her bottom lip.

"Sirius...", she tried to interrupt, but her voice sounded way too weak for the Gryffindor to even acknowledge it.

"Yes, thinking is not one of your qualities, is it?", Sirius laughed, but the sound reminded her of Bellatrix rather than his usual self.

"Sirius...", she tried again and this time managed to capture his attention.

"Why are you letting him sit here, Herms?"

"It's not like it's forbidden. He's not exactly hurting me and I can't force him to move, can I? It's fine, really", she sighed and flicked her hand dismissively hoping that Sirius will do the right thing and just walk away.

That man had never been the one to think clearly, though. He sent her an offended glance and shook his head with disbelief.

"His not the right company for you. He's dangerous, Hermione!"

"And what's he going to do? Kill me with his textbook?", she snapped angrily and regretted her words as soon as they've left her mouth. "Come on, Sirius. It's really not worth to fight over something so trivial"

Padfoot looked at her with fury and it became clear that he was hurt by her words. After all, he had been her friend and yet, she'd decided to side with Snape. Guilt flooded her body, as Sirius slumped down to his chair. She knew that there was no other choice, but it still made her feel like crap.

"I don't need your protection", Snape hissed at her, contempt visible on his face.

Hermione sent him a glare that probably seemed murderous.

"You both act like children. Instead of staying away and ignoring each other, you fight like a bunch of kids. I didn't defend you, Snape. I merely stated the truth, so don't flatter yourself"

Her voice was filled with bitterness and it was enough to make him fall silent. He didn't stop looking at her though, making her even more angry and miserable. All she wanted to do was to run away and cry her eyes out, as the old Hermione would do. The new one, however, had to be tough and act like she didn't care. All of her feelings were irrelevant, even if that meant she had to face the world alone.