Dirty. There was no better word to describe how she was feeling. Her whole body ached, as she stood under the hot stream of water, rubbing her skin with force. The pain did nothing to distract her from all those thoughts running through her head with such speed, that she felt dizzy.

It was a nightmare, worse than anything she had ever experienced. There was nothing more vile than creating a Horcrux. The act itself had been despicable, as it required murdering someone with conviction. But when she had casted the spell, she hadn't thought about creating something so evil. Some of the people she cared about had been dead, but not everyone. She had to save them, even if that meant sacrificing her own purity and innocence. But this?

This was simply unbearable. Her soul had been split into two pieces, and she had no idea why. Her body had been taken back to 1976, but right before it happened, the Time Turner had become her very own Horcrux. Hermione had no other explanation than to just assume that the spell casted upon the hourglass by Dumbledore must have had something to do with this entire situation she had found herself in.

Her body was dying, when she got send back through time. What if the spell required her to be alive for the Time Turner to work? Maybe it has created a Horcrux, so that she would survive even if her body had died? But then, Madam Pomfrey had managed to save her, making her the second living person to own a Horcrux.

But how could it be? She remembered carrying the Slytherin Locket around her neck. She knew that it had changed her, that it kept feeding off of her emotions, making her miserable, angry and depressed all the time. She hadn't been able to cast a Patronus Charm while wearing it, actually none of them were. And the small hourglass, that had been hanging around her neck right now, seemed to have no effect on her. Its slow pulsation might have been a figment of her imagination, as it had no influence on her abilities to cast any charms at all.

How was it possible? Hermione could swear that her personality had been intact, even if she became more sarcastic and angrier, but considering her situation it seemed very justified. She didn't feel like this vile person that could intentionally split her soul in half. Immortality was not something she had ever wanted or at least not in that literal form of it. She wanted to be remembered, to be praised for her achievements and the work she'd done, but never wanted to actually outlive everyone.

There were so many question revolving around that discovery and Hermione knew that there hadn't been a single person that would be able to answer them. It made her feel so horrible that she stepped out of the shower immediately, deciding that no water could cleanse her. Instead, she stopped in front of the mirror and wiped the steam away from it, looking at the familiar face on its surface.

Same hair, same eyes, same nose and mouth. Nothing seemed to be different, but she had barely recognized herself in the reflection. She wiped her face with a towel and then glanced in the mirror once again, only to realise that the liquid running down her face was something more than just water. She was crying, shedding tears of agony and sorrow, that no one could ever ease.

"Ewan...", she whispered quietly, as she sat down next to his bed, looking at his pale face.

He seemed to be so peaceful. It hurt her even more to know that it had not been the case. The boy had suffered terribly, as the curse that hit him caused his entire body to attack itself, forcing Ewan to endure agonizing pain.

It was really disturbing to know that curses like that one existed and weren't strictly forbidden, as it had been the case with the Unforgivables. She had no way to tell if it had been worse than the Cruciatus, but she would be glad to accept the pain if that meant sparing Ewan from feeling it.

Hermione squeezed her eyes shut, a shaky breath escaping her mouth. She told herself that she wouldn't be crying, but she simply couldn't keep her promise. Why was she able to feel this compassion? Why was she able to mourn the pain of others, when she was a monster?

"Hermione...", a hoarse whisper caught her attention, forcing her to open her eyes immediately. "What... What happened?"

"Merlin, you're alive", she cried out and started to sob uncontrollably.

"I told you... I'm no Mer-Merlin", he choked out in response, making her cry even more.

Madam Pomfrey run into the room, alarmed by her emotional outburst and rushed towards Ewan, after she had realized what had been going on.

"Miss Granger, step aside, please", the woman ordered and Hermione shifted, wrapping her arms around herself.

Ewan was awake and that meant that he had fought of the worst danger. Madam Pomfrey kept waving her wand over the boy, checking his vitals and every possible body function, but a small smile tugging at her lips was enough to inform Hermione that she was right in her assumptions.

The nurse has left Ewan a couple of minutes later, forcing at least ten potions down his throat, making him scowl at their taste and groan out in disgust. Hermione watched this with a teary smile, revelling in the warmth that kept spreading in her body. Seeing Ewan's bright eyes was enough to lighten up her mood, even a little. Once Madam Pomfrey had left, Hermione approached the boy's bed once again and sat next to it, looking at him intently.

"You look terrible", Ewan stated, his voice much stronger than before and Hermione looked down in guilt.

"Yeah, I know. I don't sleep much lately"

"How long was I out?"

"Couple of days. I was so worried. We all were"

"We?", the boy asked and frowned.

"Yes. The entire school is kind of devastated. Leslie included", Hermione informed him with a small smile, looking up for a second to check his reaction. "She was here with me, you know"

Ewan smiled widely, but it lasted only few seconds, before his brows furrowed, as he sent her a scrutinizing gaze.

"What happened?"

"You fell off your broom"

"Yes, but why am I even alive?", he shook his head, making Hermione sigh.

"I've saved you from the fall. Arresto Momentum", she explained and looked at her hand that had been now entwined with Ewan's.

"Hermione...", he whispered with agitation lacing his voice, but the girl couldn't let him thank her.

"No, Ewan. It has been my fault in the first place that anything has happened to you"

Ewan opened his mouth, but then closed them, averting his gaze. In a second, he became very thoughtful, clearly remembering something from before his fall. A realisation dawned on him, as a gasp escaped his mouth. He squeezed her hand so hard that it hurt, but the pain meant nothing to her at that moment.

"Someone cursed me"

Hermione nodded, not able to say anything. She didn't want to look at him, but he forced her to, reaching for her face. His finger lifted up her chin, revealing guilt hiding in her eyes.

"It's not your fault, Hermione. Why would you even think so?"

"The curse that hit you... It was very dark, Ewan. And there are not many people who would be able to do that. I think it was a message. For me. They've hurt you because we're friends and I'm a Mud..."

"Don't call yourself that!", he scolded her with outrage, but his expression softened almost immediately. "You're my friend and you're a wonderful person. If anyone has trouble seeing it, they are completely blind. Or they've forgotten to take their heads out of their asses", he added lightly, and Hermione smiled weakly, appreciating his efforts to cheer her up.

"This is not about me, Ewan. This is about you and your safety. I knew that making friends could be risky, but I didn't think that I would capture anyone's attention so fast. I shouldn't have let you get close to me"

"You're not my mother, Hermione and I'm very able to make my own decisions. If I say that I'd rather be your friend and be endangered than stay away and be a coward, I mean it".

Ewan's voice was firm, but it still hadn't been enough to convince her to change her mind. Not after her latest discovery. She didn't deserve his friendship, just as she didn't deserve anyone else's. And maybe that sounded like a pathetic excuse made by a coward, but deep down she knew that the effects of splitting her soul might simply be postponed. Hermione could turn into someone very terrible and that wasn't something she wanted anyone to witness.

"What happened, Hermione? I thought you were smarter than to pity yourself and push everyone away because you think it's the right thing to do. There must be something else that's bugging you"

Hermione bit her lip and closed her eyes, as a pang of pain stabbed her heart. Ewan was not stupid, he was a Ravenclaw after all. She should have known that he would be able to see past her superficial explanations.

"I have recently learned that something bad happened, before I got here", she murmured and inhaled deeply, trying to buy herself some time. "Something that turned me into a very, very bad person, Ewan. Someone, who's not exactly the best friend material"

"What was it?"

"I can't tell you. If anyone found out..."

She would be dead or imprisoned before anyone could say 'Hogwarts'. Besides, the knowledge about the Horcruxes should stay hidden from as many people as possible. Hermione had never dreamt of immortality, but to the mind that had already been corrupted with Dark Magic, the idea might seem very tempting.

"Fine. But if you claim that you had only learned about it recently, how can it make you a bad person? You weren't even aware of it, were you?", he asked and Hermione looked at him carefully.

"I've done something despicable. Not intentionally, but it had happened nonetheless", she said, but Ewan didn't look convinced. "If you'd kill someone by accident, you wouldn't be a murderer. But you would be a killer. Even if you didn't mean for it to happen"

The boy's eyes widened as he stared at her with shock.

"You've killed someone?", he hissed, looking around to make sure that no one could hear him.

He didn't sound all that scared or disgusted, making Hermione look at him with her brows furrowed.

"What if I tell you that I have? Only it hadn't been an accident?"

Ewan fell silent for a moment, but then his gaze flickered to her forearm. Anger appeared on his face, but Hermione felt as though it wasn't directed at her actions.

"Your life had been pretty shite, Hermione. I don't know the whole story, as you're very secretive about it, but I know this... You have fought with all you had to save yourself, to get out of there alive. Even if you'd kill someone intentionally, I know that it must have been very justified. But I also know for a fact, that you're not talking about taking someone's life. You can't do that with conviction and not be aware of it"

He was too smart for his own good. Hermione couldn't help but to feel this magnetic pull towards him. Not as a man, but as a friend. His intelligence offered her a chance, an opportunity to share her burden with someone else. She had no doubts that Ewan would be able to understand her situation completely... He wasn't a bad person, his views were similar to her own. It would be so easy to entrust him with everything.

She couldn't do that though, no matter how appealing it sounded. Moody would tell her to keep her mouth shut, Dumbledore would strongly advise her against telling anyone the truth and her own mind seemed to agree with both of them. Her heart though... Her heart was bleeding even more than before.

"I really can't tell you, Ewan. Trust me when I say this, but some things are just too horrible to be spoken of. Which is why I still believe that it would be wise to stay away from me", she forced herself to say, making Ewan snort.

"I know that you have your secrets, Hermione. Unlike Black, I'm able to understand that you have to keep things away from me in order to keep many people safe. I'm not blind, nor am I stupid. And maybe one day, not so far from today you would be able to come clean about them, after I've joined the Order", he muttered and then his expression softened. "But I won't let you push me away. I might not know everything, but I know that you need my support. The guilt that's eating you from the inside is not something you can face on your own. And you would be stupid to think otherwise"

With that, he squeezed her hand once again, destroying her defensive walls in a mere second. She started to cry, but this time she was relieved. Her soul had been thorn, but maybe, just maybe, she still had a chance for a relatively normal life? After all, this was all she had left, as her death would bring her no solace. She would be stuck in a Limbo, somewhere between Life and Death forever. Maybe she had to cherish whatever pleasures she had left, even if it was selfish. Why should she even care?

Miss Granger had a purpose and her Horcrux changed nothing in that matter. As long as she would stay on track, no one would be able to call her a monster. No one, beside herself.