"How did it happen that I haven't met Hagrid before, even though I've been here for three months?"
Hermione's voice was filled with disbelief. It was not like she didn't want to meet him this time around. He was one of the people she had missed terribly, even if she had never had such a strong bond with him like Harry. Still, she knew more than well that as someone who was supposed to be new, she couldn't exactly ask around about him, as it would raise way too many questions, so she waited, until one of her friends decided that it was about time to introduce her.
Apparently, all of her friends could be very thick sometimes. It took them three snowball fights to realise that being outside provided them with an opportunity to visit Hagrid. Hermione was fairly surprised that it was Peter who proposed to do that and judging by the looks in the Marauder's eyes, they felt equally baffled.
"Shite, he's going to be so mad at us!", Sirius moaned, clutching his head with both hands. "How did we manage to forget about visiting him?"
That was a legitimate question, at least in Hermione's mind. She raised her eyebrows with amusement, watching James ruffling his wet hair and making them miserably floppy.
"Actually, me and Peter have visited him on several occasions", stated Remus and smiled with satisfaction, when James and Sirius shot him angry glances.
"Why would you go without us?!"
"You were too busy trying to get Lily to go out with you and Sirius was...", Peter answered and then hesitated, looking in Hermione's direction.
"You were both too busy being idiots, that's what Peter wanted to say", Remus helped his friend out and received two murderous stares.
Hermione chuckled lightly, making everyone look at her. Boy, she loved to watch their squabbles. They could be so entertaining at times, that she found it to be the best stress reliever there was. Of course, they could also be annoying as hell, but that wasn't the case today.
"Why don't we just go to see him together, then? I'd love to meet him", she offered to prevent a wrestling session that would undeniably take place if the boys were allowed to continue with their banter.
"Great idea, kitten", Sirius answered immediately and appeared at her side in an instance, making her roll her eyes with amusement.
She didn't protest when he snuck his arm around her shoulders and grinned at her widely. Actually, Hermione got incredibly used to being close to him, not only because he made sure to touch her at every single chance, but also because he offered her a sense of safety that no one else could.
After she got back from Flamel's house, she couldn't stop crying for what seemed like an eternity. Her roommates had been incredibly disturbed by it, but Hermione managed to explain to them that her tears were those of joy, rather than misery. Clearly, it had been enough to calm them down, but after she'd stopped sobbing, hundreds of questions fell on her head. She did her best to answer all of them, without betraying her secrets, but she did so with a smile gracing her lips.
It was like being able to breathe once again, after years of denying herself that pleasure. Hermione wanted to roll her eyes at that cliché, but life seemed so much more colourful and beautiful right now. She couldn't even bring herself to keep a safe distance from Sirius and didn't even bother to correct everyone who assumed she was his girlfriend. Besides, watching Sirius' bafflement at her change was hilarious. There were those moments when he looked at her with suspicion gleaming in his silvery eyes, giving her the chance to smirk at him in a very Slytherin-like way.
"Knut for your thoughts, love", the boy murmured right into her ear, making her shiver.
"I'm thinking about you", she admitted and smiled cheekily. "And now, pay up"
Her statement made him laugh, after his initial surprise. Sirius shook his head and looked at her with mischief.
"At least you're being honest for once. I appreciate that, kitten"
"Actually, I lied"
Her sweet tone made him laugh again, as he pulled her closer and pressed a kiss into her damp hair. A kiss, that made her glare at him, despite the butterflies fluttering in her belly.
"Don't push it, Black", she warned him, but had no intentions of cursing him.
She didn't want to spoil this beautiful day, even if that meant letting him get his way. Hermione looked around and noticed that Peter and Remus were way ahead of them and Prongs was nowhere to be seen.
"Where's James?"
Sirius sighed and rubbed his temple, looking slightly down for some reason.
"I guess he went ahead. Or stayed far behind. He kind of doesn't like watching the two of us together"
Hermione stopped suddenly, looking at Sirius with surprise. He seemed to be avoiding her eyes, a sight that was very uncommon for him.
"Why?"
"Isn't that obvious? I know we're... Well, not exactly together and that you allow me to be this close to you, because we're friends, but from Jamie's perspective it looks like you had finally given me a chance. Something that he had been wanting from Evans for a really long time. Looking at us reminds him of the fact that he's miserably in love with a girl, who doesn't care about him", Sirius explained, sounding quite uncomfortable.
Hermione felt like a blithering idiot. Now that Padfoot explained everything to her, it seemed completely logical and justified. She was usually so good with noticing all of the subtleties and emotions. How could she not notice that?
"Merlin, I feel so stupid", she murmured, blinking away her tears.
She remembered looking at Lavender and Ron, when they were so infatuated with each other. Sure, she had been jealous back then, but there had been also this feeling of utter loneliness. Their happiness made her realise even more, that she had no one special in her life and it was one of the worst feelings in the entire world.
"Sweetheart, don't cry. Fuck, I shouldn't have told you that", Sirius sighed, pulling her closer to him, but she shook her head, wiping away the tears.
"I'm sorry. It's just that I know what it feels like to love someone and not being loved back"
Sirius entire body stiffened visibly, making her curse herself in her mind.
"Yeah, it sucks, doesn't it?", his voice was hollow, even if he tried to cover it with a smile.
"It does. But some things just aren't meant to be", she whispered in return, thinking about Ron.
If someone had asked her a couple of months ago, what will her future look like, the redheaded boy would definitely be a part of it. So many things had changed...
She looked up at Sirius, who was staring at a point beyond her head, and smiled sheepishly.
"But some just need time... A perfect moment that will change everything"
Padfoot flicked his gaze to her and started to watch her intently.
"Are you talking about James and Lily or about us?"
Hermione bit her lip, blushing slightly. That conversation started out terribly wrong and now she had the chance to fix it. But was she truly able to? A trembling sigh escaped her mouth, making Sirius smile bitterly.
"Both, actually. I know that Lily likes James secretly. But I also know that she's not going to acknowledge her feelings until he matures a bit. She's that kind of person, who needs support and stability"
"James would give her everything and more", Sirius protested and Hermione smiled gently.
"She doesn't know him enough to realise that. All she sees are his pranks, terrible attempts at flirting and awkwardness..."
"It's not easy to open up to someone who doesn't even make the effort to get to know you and turns you down instead"
"No, it's not. And I've been talking to Lily, trying to make her realise that. But to be honest, she's extremely stubborn. Reminds me of someone, actually"
"Who?"
"Me, of course", Hermione laughed and met his gaze. "I am stubborn and life has taught me that it's one of my best traits. I don't second-guess myself and it usually turns out to be a great choice. All of the decisions I've made have been careful and deliberate... I'm not used to making mistakes, Sirius"
She fell silent for a moment, gathering her wits to keep talking.
"But I am starting to feel like you and I... Like we're not a mistake, as I previously thought. With all that's happened in my life, I'm in constant danger and my future looks kind of grim. But you already know that and couldn't care less about it. It makes me think that when I'll finally be able to tell you the truth, we're going to be really good together"
"Why don't you just tell me now, Hermione? It's not like I can't keep secrets. Actually, I consider myself to be great at it, not only because I'd never betray my friends, but also because I was forced to learn Occlumency", he informed her, making Hermione's heart skip a beat.
So her suspicions have indeed been correct. If she decided to tell him everything, he would be able to keep that to himself, which made the idea of sharing her secrets even more tempting. Hermione smiled bitterly at her thoughts and shook her head.
"It actually makes it really hard no to blurt out the entire truth right now", she admitted and sighed tiredly. "But I still can't, Sirius. I've already told you that those are not only mine secrets to tell and some of these things I'm hiding... There is a possibility that you wouldn't even want to be with me after hearing them"
Her words were incredibly true. After all, not many people would be able to handle the fact, that she had come from the future and had known them before. Sirius, being the smartass he was, would probably dissect this entire situation to tiny pieces, making it impossible for her to leave out any details. And she couldn't just let him in on his future. Not if she wanted him to be happy.
"I don't think it's possible", he protested, making her smile sadly.
"That's the thing, Sirius. You think. But trust me, the truth is so impossible and messed up that it will be hard to believe at first. And if you ever get the chance to learn it, you'll have to take that secret to the grave with you. You'll probably be forced to make an Unbreakable Vow and bear the truth forever"
"Then I'll do it!"
"You can't! Not right now, not until you're officially of age. It has to be a decision based on a conscious, deliberate choice. And as terrible as it sounds, it cannot be influenced by your feelings towards me", she explained and sighed.
"I hate to break it to you, love, but it's a bit too late for that"
Sirius chuckled with amusement, as he took a step in her direction.
"It's never going to be based purely on logical reasons. I don't have to be your boyfriend to spend time with you... And spending time with you is what got me so crazy about you in the first place. So, if I were you, I'd start working on different arguments"
"Fine. Maybe I can't change your feelings by simply keeping you in the dark. But it still doesn't change the fact that you're not of age and are not allowed to know anything"
"By whose orders?", he asked with a smirk and Hermione opened her mouth to answer, before she stopped herself.
Sirius groaned in disappointment, making her smile.
"Nice try, Padfoot. I can't tell you that either"
"It was worth the try", the boy shrugged and grinned at her. "I get it, Herms. I'm putting up a fight because I really want to know everything and I really want to be a part of this war. But I get it. I feel like waiting for you will be the best choice I've ever made, even if it makes me miserable right now"
His thumb caressed her cheek and then his gaze lowered to her mouth. She bit her lips unconsciously, making him sigh in agony.
"You drive me crazy, woman...", he whispered.
Hermione blushed and looked down to her feet.
"I'm sorry... I know that I'm making things unnecessarily difficult. But apart from simply not being able to tell you, I also have another reason, more personal one"
"Care to share it with me?"
"It's quite simple, actually. I need you to want to be with the real me. With all my flaws, mistakes and my messed up past. There are parts of me that are ugly and terrifying and I don't want to have to hide them from the person I'm with. I want you to want me for everything that I am, but also for who I was before", she confessed in a small voice, filled with embarrassment.
Sirius stared at her with such a soft look in his eyes, that her heart almost melted with all the warmth spreading throughout her body.
"You're making me want to kiss you so badly, love"
His voice was merely a whisper and yet it managed to make her hold her breath in anticipation. He was staring at her with such intensity, that she had found herself drawn to him. Before she could stop herself, their lips were simply inches apart and her heart was racing at a rapid pace. His breath ghosted over her mouth, as her body tingled all over.
"That's the only chance you'll get...", she whispered, allowing her lips to brush over his own as she spoke.
His eyes closed, as his nose nudged her own in an affectionate gesture, but when he opened them, they were filled with pure agony.
"I can't"
He took a step backwards and took a deep breath.
"Fuck... I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I can't just use your temporary lapse in judgement. I know that in this moment you might even want me to kiss you, but this would make things even harder, wouldn't it?", he groaned and clutched his head.
Hermione tried to steady her breath and push away the disappointment filling her entire body. Even though she had to fight the urge to pull him down and kiss him senseless despite his words, pride and tenderness flooded her mind.
"If I had any doubts about this...", she gestured towards him and then herself. "...all of them would be gone now. Because three months ago you would just kiss me and then be off to flirt with someone else"
Her tone was light and it made him smile a little.
"Well, you have no guarantee that I'm not going to do it now...", he joked, raising his eyebrows in a challenge.
"I do, actually. You don't seem like the type to flirt with Hagrid"
Having said that, she turned around and rushed towards Hagrid's cabin with a huge grin on her face.