Sock Route: The Eternal NEET

"It's not you, it's me."

Darkness was disappointed when Kazuma told her he just wasn't into the BDSM stuff. She was clearly getting a little too invested, and it made Kazuma uncomfortable. Especially since after each of their little play sessions, he'd needed to use his sock for several vigorous workouts. He didn't want to turn into a serious pervert like her.

So, he got Becky the succubus to come in and fulfill Darkness' twisted little fantasies. She seemed content with that, and she was being a great tank now, so it didn't matter that much. He did feel a little unfulfilled and disappointed that their relationship was at an end, but whenever that happened, Kazuma took out his trusty sock and put all his feelings into it before throwing it in the laundry hamper. Sometimes he even took a bath.

When Megumin wanted to show off their "team pose" at a talent show she would organize at the Guild Hall, Kazuma managed to talk her out of it. They wouldn't understand, he explained. That was the sort of thing you did in private. Not something to show off to others. It would be embarrassing. He saw the hurt in her eyes, so he showed her tricks for writing better gothic poetry. But when she wanted to recite it to Dust and the other guys, he convinced her not to. It would just lead to disappointment.

After that, she spent a lot more time with Yunyun, who was all for the team poses and other chunni stuff. Mostly, Yunyun just seemed thrilled that Megumin wanted to spend more time with her. Kazuma was thrilled he had a new fantasy for his sock sessions. Megumin and Yunyun? She was stacked, and she was flat, the perfect little yuri fantasy. Sure, Megumin quit inviting Kazuma to join them for their practice times, but that was fine. He thought it was pretty silly anyway. At first she seemed angry he didn't try to invite himself, but she got over it.

Plus, with Yunyun along, they could clear ever harder quests and earn even more money! Kazuma was getting filthy, stinking rich, and he loved it! He yearned for the day he could fort up in his mansion and simply laze the days away instead of going off on all these quests. They soon took down the Mobile Fortress Destroyer, and even Vanir. Sort of. Vanir moved in with Wiz, but that was fine. He wasn't a threat, or worth the effort.

As for Aqua, she was doing great! She was really into stickers, and Kazuma got to where he could get her to do just about anything for a sticker or two. Well, not that. She was a whiny, spoiled brat. As fun as it might be to tumble Aqua, it wasn't worth putting up with the bother. Besides, she never seemed all that interested, and Kazuma wasn't going to put in the effort of getting her attention when he could just use the sock instead.

Plus, why ruin a good thing? The party was rather harmonious these days. They went on all sorts of Adventures, and had a good time together. They went to the capitol, and Kazuma met Princess Iris. She was fun to hang out with too, a sweet little sister. When Claire, her bodyguard, made it clear she didn't want Kazuma interfering and seducing the child, he told her he was "married to the job" or some such BS. She backed off, so that was fine.

With his party, Kazuma took down ever more generals of the Demon King. It took a few years, but at last, they got to the King himself, and through more than a little luck and the sheer OPness of his team members, Kazuma prevailed.

He'd done it, he was rich!

So, he did what he'd always wanted to do: Take a vacation. Aqua seemed disappointed he didn't want her to stick around, but he assured the childish goddess he'd say the occasional prayer. Maybe they could hang out sometime.

He said goodbye to Megumin and Darkness, and even Yunyun, who seemed a bit clingy. He was too busy fantasizing about her and Megumin having an intimate moment to really care or notice though.

He moved to Elroad for a few years, buming about on the beach, save for the occasional trip to a casino. He didn't really need the money; after all, he was a billionaire after defeating the Devil King. There were plenty of women that tried to get close to him, but Kazuma was too smart for that: he saw the bunch of Gold Diggers for what they were. He stayed well clear of them: The sock was enough for him.

Iris visited Kazuma, and she'd grown up a lot. She dropped hints that the Hero that defeated the Devil King would be allowed to marry a princess, but that sounded like work. Plus, she was like a sister to him. So, Kazuma took off again. The world was a big place. He skipped around from country to country, enjoying life, living it large. After a decade, he made his way back to Belzerg. He found Darkness had married a kinky Nobleman, Megumin had set herself up as the next Devil Queen (of Dancing!) and Iris had thankfully married someone who actually did want to go defeat strong monsters and rule a kingdom. Even Yunyun had settled down to become Chieftess and had married a nice Crimson Demon boy.

Perfect. Kazuma resumed his residence in his old mansion. He hired a few servants, and even employed a personal succubi. Each night, his sock got a wonderful workout thanks to those amazing dreams. He could have whatever woman he wanted. He had plenty of dreams about his former party members of course, with all their little flaws ironed out. Darkness, but without her weird masochism. Megumin, but less chunni and maybe a little bit bigger bust size Aqua, but smarter and really into giving him constant blowjobs instead of wanting all that attention.

It was perfect! They did whatever he wanted, and he never had to do anything else for them, unlike in real life. Real relationships were messy and hard, but a sock and some personal fantasies? Well, that was easy. And Kazuma was all about that easy life.

He visited his friends of course, and they him. They still had fun sometimes, and talked about the old days, but whenever they wanted to go out and do something, Kazuma begged off. That was work, effort, and he was retired! He didn't even really notice he was getting fatter until he woke up one day and had a hard time rolling over or even getting out of bed. Meh. He didn't care.

Still, he didn't let himself go too much. After all, that would shorten your lifespan. He even got a cute personal trainer to shed a few pounds back to what he thought was a healthy weight. A few more ladies showed an interest in them, but he saw through their efforts: they wanted his money. The sock was cheaper, and he was paying the succubi really well.

The years went by, and nothing really changed except the color of Kazuma's hair and his number of wrinkles. He always had his friends, and he always had his sock. He indulged in every pleasure he could think of, rarely leaving his mansion except to hang out for a few hours at the guildhall or pay a visit to an old friend.

Then, one day, Kazuma fell asleep in his chair after a sock session, and didn't wake up. He was old, so that was fine. Most people in this world didn't live that long, but he'd made it to 99! Lucky, right? And he'd still had the stamina for daily sock workouts.

He found himself facing Eris. "Oh, guess I died again, huh? Last time I suppose."

"Yes. You lived a good, long life, Kazuma. You can be reincarnated, or go to heaven," Eris told him, smiling sweetly. He wished he'd met a girl like her in real life. Now that was the sort of girl he could have settled down and really had a relationship with!

"What? Are you serious?" Eris demanded, looking astonished.

Kazuma blinked. "Huh? Oh, sorry must have said that out loud. Yeah, in my next life, I'd like to meet a girl who actually was into me, someone I could really have fun with."

"You're joking, right? I thought you were asexual or something," Eris said, a look of disbelief on her face.

"What? No. I just never met any girls that were that into me, or me into them I guess."

"Oh my me. You're serious. You're actually serious about this."

Eris took a deep breath, then began ticking points off on her fingers. "First, you had three women in your party that at one point or another were very much in love with you. Darkness thought you were her dream man who loved her for who she was and embraced her kinks and all. You ended that relationship. Megumin believed you treasured her, quirks and all, but you foisted her off on Yunyun instead of continuing to nurture what had already bloomed, and so her passion for you withered and died. Then, there's Aqua. Even when you were old, fat, and ugly, she still might have been willing to give up her divinity for a few years with her best friend if only you'd tried a little harder. She even wistfully mentions she regrets you were 'just friends.' And she's a goddess. Literally perfect."

"Well, sure, she's got a great body, but they all had personality problems," Kazuma said with a shrug. "Besides, that's only three women my whole life who had an interest in me. I would have thought I got a popular phase."

"Yunyun had to have Megumin talk her out of asking you out on a date, and if you'd crooked a finger at her she would have been happy to jump into bed and marry you, or even run off to Elroad, but you never even tried to get closer to her. Wiz would have been willing to spend eternity with you, literally, if only you'd bothered to ask. You spent plenty of time at her shop, didn't you notice that she was always happy to see you?"

"I mean, ok, but-"

"And then there's me. Didn't you notice Chris? I mean, come on, Kazuma. I wasn't exactly going to jump into the sack with you but if you'd actually bothered to see me as more than a drinking buddy I might have been willing to have some fun, even if it was just an avatar and the equivalent of sexting to me."

"Wait, you were Chris? No way!"

"And then there are literally countless other women who were interested in you. I'm not even counting the ones who just wanted your money. Luna thought you were a hard worker, and wished you'd ask her out even once. Sena thought you were a charming man, even if she did have to arrest you a few times. Even Iris thought she was in love with you."

"Yeah, but...she was like a sister to me. I'm not that perverted."

"Ok, that last, one I admit, I think you were wise to turn her away. Thank you for not taking advantage of a little girl."

"See? I'm a good guy!"

"Yes, you were. But you were really stupid. I can't believe you died unfulfilled. I mean, Kazuma, the SUCCUBI would have happily stopped giving you dreams and hopped into bed with you if you'd asked. Even if it meant they had to go mortal to do it! Are you just that blind?"

Kazuma blinked, and looked down at his hand. In it, was a sodden sock. "I guess...I guess this was the only lover I thought I ever needed."

"Yeah. Ok. I can't believe I'm doing this, but…"

Kazuma looked up hopefully. "Will you take my virginity?!"

"What?! Don't be stupid, I'm a GODDESS. I'd have to abandon my duty to be with you. No, I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? But I'm almost 100! I wouldn't know what to do with a hot young thing like you if I had her!"

"Oh, no. I'm wiping your memory, and sending you back to when you first decided to stop being such an asshole. You're trying this again. With one little bonus: This time, I'm taking away your socks."

"What, but that doesn't even-"

White light enveloped Kazuma, and he vanished. Eris sighed and shook her head. "Even I won't remember this. But seriously, Kazuma. Women aren't just a way to get your rocks off. You have to put in a little more effort than you do with your socks. Don't be such a NEET."

Route Failed Successfully. Neutral Ending Achieved. All Regular Endings Complete.

SECRET ENDING UNLOCKED! Play again with a new route?

The people have asked, and I have listened. So you got what I honestly think is the most depressing ending. Can't go out on a sour note like that. You get a secret ending now. So, the rules are simple. Once more, vote for your Secret Ending of Choice by leaving a review. I'll leave a few suggestions, but you can do a write in ballot if you must. Poll will be up for a month. The top finisher will get their own route, and perhaps I'll do some others someday if they're popular enough. Not anytime soon though.

With one cavete: Do Not Lewd The Lolis.

FBI OPEN UP Banlist:

Iris

Kommeko

Sylphina

Loli Succubus

Vote for them, and I start measuring rope for a special necktie.

Yuiyui is also not going to get a chapter, ever, because SHE'S MEGUMIN'S MOM. Any other girl is up for voting. And I've read enough of the LN and side stories to know who basically all the characters are.

My suggestions are:

Money Can't Buy Happiness: Wiz

Friendship has its Benefits: Yunyun

Fortune Doesn't Favor Fools: Chris/Eris

But vote for who you want. Even if it's Claire or something.

And finally, there is a new Konosuba story from me. It is "Kazuma Sato: HERO OF BELZERG" and features Kazuma trying to survive when he's saddled with the highly competent party of Eris, Yunyun, and Iris. But all he really wants to do is stay home and sleep.

(And yes, it features a non-standard route)