The results are in and the winner is…
A TWO WAY TIE!? I demand a recount! Wait. I counted the votes. Crap. Well, I guess that means there's going to be two secret routes: Wiz and Chris. (Sorry Yunyun fans. Maybe you should just read Hero of Belzerg). Well, I guess since Eris is the goddess of fortune, she's first.
Chris's Secret Route: Fortune Doesn't Favor Fools
Sometimes, life gave you little mysteries. Kazuma was dealing with one such now, in the form of the fact that SOMEONE had stolen all his socks. He had a sneaking suspicion he knew was responsible for the act too, especially after he confirmed that Aqua wasn't making an army of sock puppets. Why Chris had taken this long to gain her vengeance for his stealing of her panties he didn't know, but he did know that he believed in gender equality, and thus, it was time for some payback.
The hard part was working out exactly how and what to do. Given that Kazuma was basically destitute after having all his assets seized after his party had defeated the Destroyer and accidentally on purpose blew up Alderp's mansion, his party had to spend a lot of time grinding quests to earn enough money to try to crawl out from under the mountain of debt there were under. While Darkness had managed to use her influence to keep them out of jail, Kazuma had insisted on paying off the debt himself. He felt bad enough about having left her hanging, even with the whole Becky situation.
Plus, Kazuma figured this was more of a prank war scenario. He could just steal Chris's panties again, but that felt like wimping out. He had to come up with something creative and spectacular to get Chris back for taking his sole companions. It took him a few weeks of plotting, but eventually, Kazuma came up with a brilliant scheme. It was almost a shame he had to keep it a secret, because if he pulled this off it would be his finest hour.
The first step in Kazuma's plan was to ensure that Chris suffered a sufficiently humiliating fate. For that, he needed some funds, so Kazuma secreted away a few thousand Eris, then paid Wiz a visit, as she always had exactly the sort of things you needed in a prank war. She was delighted to sell him glow-in-the-dark toothbrushes, Monster Repellent Shoes (actually just shoes with bells on them, supposedly they would scare off minor monsters), and most importantly, the itchiest fuzzy animal socks Wiz had in stock. It cost more than Kazuma could really afford, but he wasn't going to let Chris one up him like this.
He carefully staked out Chris's place, until he saw her leave to go out to the bar that evening. He'd dropped a few hints to Darkness to invite Chris out for some drinking, so he figured he had at least a few hours, and he planned not to take that long. Kazuma had brilliantly disguised himself, trading in his usual green tinted Adventuring gear for a dark black cloak and tunic. He'd even gotten a weird looking mask from Wiz she said she kept in stock for that Vanir guy she'd mentioned before.
It was simple enough to pick the lock on Chris's door, and Kazuma chuckled to himself as he slipped inside. The first thing he did was sneak into the bathroom, where he swapped out Chris's toothbrush. Giggling, he crept into her bedroom, and opened her drawers. He was certain she had his socks in here somewhere. He riffled through, carefully pulling out all her socks and sticking them in his bag. He almost kept a pair of her panties, but he figured that would be going too far.
He was just about finished, checking around for hidden compartments where he was certain Chris was hiding his socks, when he felt the cold kiss of a blade against his throat.
"You have exactly five seconds to convince me why I shouldn't skin you alive, thief," Chris's voice hissed as Kazuma froze. "Stealing my entire drawer of panties? I outta stake you out for the orcs to play with."
"I, er, was taking your socks," Kazuma squeaked, trying to keep his voice from breaking and failing miserably. "As payback!"
"My socks," Chris deadpanned. She reached for the bag Kazuma had, and dumped it out on her bed. Then she suddenly barked out a laugh, and her knife vanished. "Goddess take you, Kazuma! What the hell sort of fetish is this!? You took all my socks and left the panties? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"You're the one who started it," Kazuma grumbled. "And how did you know it was me?"
"You're the only one around her dorky enough to take all of someone's socks," Chris chuckled, wiping a tear from her eye and still giggling. "Plus, that get up screams 'NEET who is trying too hard.' And what do you mean, I started it? You're the one who took my panties, remember. Why'd you switch over to socks?"
"What do you mean?! You're the one who stole all of my socks a month ago! I've been planning my revenge for three weeks!" Kazuma protested.
Chris raised an eyebrow at Kazuma, an incredulous look on her face. "Someone took all your socks, and you're blaming me? Are you sure Aqua didn't just decide to make an army of sock puppets or something?"
"No, that was the first thing I checked," Kauzuma muttered. He frowned. "Are you sure you didn't take all my socks? There's no way anyone else could have broken into my room and taken them all while I was sleeping. Not even Alderp's men took my socks. I figured they knew what I used them for."
"You are so gross," Chris cackled, making a disgusted face as she continued to laugh. "Oh my goddess, are those the terrible anti-monster shoes that Wiz is selling? And why do you have my toothbrush?"
"Go look," Kazuma muttered.
Chris popped into her bathroom, then came back, holding up the glowing toothbrush in the dim light. "Seriously? What was this supposed to be? Some sort of epic prank war on the one who stole all your socks?"
"Um, yeah, actually," Kazuma admitted. "I figured I would get you back, but better. I sort of replaced all your socks with those weird animal shaped ones Wiz sells."
After a quick check of her sock drawer, Chris barked out another laugh. "Ok, now THAT'S funny. You went to all this trouble for little old me?"
"I mean, I thought you took all my socks. Those are important to a man," Kazuma grumbled. "Dammit, now I actually do have to figure out who took all my socks. Is there some sort of sock eating monster around here I don't know about?"
"No, but considering what you're using them for, maybe a succubus is interested," Chris sniggered.
"Nah, couldn't be them. Aqua wards our house against demons and stuff," Kazuma said with a shake of his head. "Crap. This is going to seriously bother me now. Hey, how the heck did you know I was even here? I was certain you'd be gone drinking with Darkness for a while…"
"Some of us take our security seriously, Kazuma. I got a few wards installed of my own to let me know if someone was breaking into my place. Normally I'd beat the tar out of you then hand you over to the guards, but honestly this is so funny I'll let you off for now," Chris told Kazuma, still grinning and chuckling to herself.
"Yeah ok," Kazuma sighed. "I guess I need a drink now or something. Wanna come? I think I'm going to need some help plotting my revenge."
Chris rolled her eyes. "You break into a girls house, then ask her out for drinks? You must think pretty highly of yourself."
"Yeah, ok, sorry, I just-"
"So are you going to go in that get up, or you need to change first? You're buying the first round," Chris said, and gave Kazuma a wink.
Instead of going to the guild hall, Chris took Kazuma to a seedier bar in the poorer side of town. It looked like it was just an old run down livery stable, but a knock on the door and the right password could get you inside. The bouncer eyed Kazuma, an older man who was whip thin but with plenty of knife scars to show he was no stranger to violence, but when Chris vouched for him he shrugged and let Kazuma in.
"Welcome to the No-Name Dive. It's where you come if you want information on a job that's been pulled. Though I admit I don't usually come looking for sock thieves," Chris teased.
Kazuma looked around, trying not to make a face at the seedy dive. The floor was simple dirt with dirty straw on top, and the tables were old barrels with planks nailed to them. The bar was a few old stalls with a low opening to it, and most of the customers looked to be odious men and women that were having hushed conversations in dim corners away from everyone. "I just hope the drink's aren't too expensive, I'm just about broke after buying all that junk from Wiz."
"Oh relax, the best part about this place aside from the information is the cheap drinks. Here, I know what to get. Don't trust the ale, the beer's much better. Hey, Fence, two pints of your swill!"
"Ah, if it ain't the fair and noble thief herself. Finally decide to grace us all with yer presence again, yer ladyship?" the bartender laughed. He was a middle aged man the opposite of the bouncer, with a long mane of dark greasy hair, a protruding gut, and a nose that had been broken more than once.
"Hey, you know me, gotta keep the faith," Chris said, and tossed a sparkling bit of Eris to the bartender.
He grunted, and poured two beers from the keg behind him, setting them on the counter. He eyed Kazuma suspiciously. "You're that Adventurer what killed Beldia and the Destroyer. What's a reputable type like you doing here?"
"You forget Sena's been riding his ass harder than those pretty boys she likes and Alderp's got a bone to pick with him as well," Chris laughed.
"True enough. Well, if you've more than a thirst, let me know. Though information costs more than drinks," Fence told Kazuma.
Kazuma reached into his pocket, and pulled out some of his last eris, setting it on the counter. "Know anyone that's been stealing...clothing, shall we say?"
Fence took the Eris, making it vanish into his greasy apron. "Clothing? That ain't worth stealin', normally. Although...there's a rumor goin' around Alderp's been collectin' certain items. Including several suits of armor. I can't pass on much more than it seems he found somethin' called Aegis. I'll give ya that on the cheap, iffin ya promise to kick that fat bastard's arse for us all."
"Aegis?" Chris demanded, grabbing Fence's arm before he could turn away. "You're sure?"
"That's what I heard, through the grapevine, so to speak. What it is I don't rightly know, but that's the word."
Chris glowered, but nodded. "Right. Thanks."
They took their drinks to a back table, where Chris stewed as she stared into her mug.
"What's got your panties in a twist?" Kazuma asked, then blushed at his own turn of phrase.
"Not you for once, actually," Chris told him, giving him a wry smile. She took a long pull from her beer, then grimaced. "Aegis. That's bad. I thought it was lost."
Kazuma was about to ask what that meant, when two of the customers at another table came over and dropped a few coins before Chris. "The Lady's cut. Fortune been favorin' us lately. Figured we'd give it to you in person, so you know to keep us in your prayers," a woman with an eye patch that did not appear as decorative as Megumin's said with a deferential bob of her head.
"Fortune favors the bold," Chris said with a wink. "What's your next target?"
The woman eyed Kazuma, but Chris put in, "He's...well, call him my acolyte. Been teaching him a few things. Even I can't play this game forever, Benni."
"Well, we was thinking about hitting Lady Estell's manse, taking some of that silver she just ordered," Benni the thief said, still eyeing Kazuma.
Chris shook her head. "Not a good plan. She's hired a rather competent guard captain. I suggest going after the silversmith who sold her the goods. He stiffed Eris on his latest donation, made a false claim about how much money he really made on the deal. Tried to appear a lot more pious than he really is. Make him pay for it."
"As our Lady wishes," Benni agreed, and bowed to Chris before withdrawing.
Kazuma held his peace until they were gone, and Chris was grinning into her beer. "Ok, what was that about? I know you're a thief, but these people are acting like you're a noble or something. Spill it."
"Well, I am a thief. However, I'm also a priest," Chris said, giving Kazuma a wink.
"What? I've seen your Adventurer's card, you don't have a single level in the Priest class," Kazuma accused.
Chris rolled her eyes. "Not like that, you dummy. I'm a part of the Erisite Clergy."
"You don't dress like it," Kazuma said, sipping his beer and not even bothering to hide his appraising gaze of Chris's bare midriff.
"Oh, I do, I'm just not one of her typical clergy," Eris told Kazuma with a wink. "I'm what you call a Priest of Night's Fortune. You see, Eris is the Goddess of Fortune and Commerce, but she's also the Goddess of Thieves, Gamblers, and Rogues."
"What? I've never heard about any such thing. You're making that up," Kazuma accused.
"Oh please. It's not like you've ever seen the inside of a church outside of a wedding or a funeral," Chris said, rolling her eyes. "What do you know about Eris?"
"Quite a bit," Kazuma bragged. "We've met a few times now. She's pretty cute you know. Even if she does pad her chest."
Eris spat out a stream of beer through her nose and glared up at Kazuma, fury blazing in her eyes. "What!?"
"Oh relax, it's something Aqua goes on about. I don't mind, Eris can do what she wants, even if she'd be just as cute either way," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"That's still a pretty crude thing to say," Chris growled, wiping at her nose and mouth with her forearm and glaring at Kazuma.
"Look, sorry if I offended your priestly sensibilities. I'm just saying, I've met Eris, and she's sweet. I don't see her supporting a bunch of criminals. I mean, I'm kinda surprised you take this thieving stuff more seriously than an Adventuring job. You didn't seem like the type to want to hurt people," Kazuma said, frowning at Chris.
"Oh, I hurt people, but only the ones that deserve it." Chris eyed Kazuma, still looking disgruntled. "You seriously don't judge her for padding her chest though?"
"Hey, I get it, if I had to compare myself to Aqua's figure all the time, I'd probably develop a complex too, especially since she's always bragging about it. But really, I almost wish...never mind."
"Wish what?" Chris prompted, a gleam of something Kazuma couldn't identify in her eyes.
"Look, you know how Aqua's always going on about being a goddess?" Kazuma whispered, leaning forward and looking around quickly.
"Yeah. She never shuts up about it. It's a damn wonder she hasn't caused an incident yet," Chris muttered.
"Well, she's not lying. I sort of...well, I did something stupid and dragged her along as, I'd guess you call it a bonus. But if I had a choice? I'd way rather have Eris with me. Even if I get along with Aqua pretty well now, she's a headache sometimes. And those stickers. It's just so...juvenile. My whole party acts that way. I'd like to spend some time with an actual adult for once, you know?" Kazuma groaned.
"You don't say?" Chris mused, eyeing Kazuma. "So you actually like Eris better?"
Grimacing, Kauzma nodded and drained his beer. He reached into his pocket, fishing around. "Well for one thing, I think I could actually have a relationship with as a woman, instead of as a girl I have to spend half my time babysitting. And for another, I don't think Eris would be prone to wasting money and causing me to go broke all the time."
"You know you can't have a goddess as a girlfriend, right?" Chris asked, a sparkle in her eye. "Goddesses are forbidden from having a relationship with mortal men."
"Oh." Kazuma considered that, then shrugged. "Eh, I wasn't interested in Aqua anyway and I'm pretty sure Eris think's I'm an idiot who keeps dying all the time. That's too bad though, she's pretty cute. You're not half bad either, you know."
"Gee, thanks, glad to know I run a distant third behind two literal deities," Chris laughed.
"Eh, I wouldn't say that. Besides, you bought me drinks. More than I can say any other woman's ever done for me. Let me return the favor."
With his last bit of cash, Kazuma got two more beers, setting one down before Chris.
"Cheers," she said, and they tapped their clay mugs. She took a long pull, studying Kazuma.
"Say, you interested in a job? Might pay well if we pull it off."
"Considering my bank account is emptier than Aqua's head, I don't see how I could say no to an offer like that. What's on offer?"
"You're a reincarnator, right? You got one of those weird names, like Mitsurugi does. So you know about Divine Blessings," Chris said quietly.
Kazuma nodded slowly. "Yeah, only I ain't got one. Well, I mean, I sort of have Aqua, but half the time she feels like a curse."
"Tell me about it," Chris muttered, then shook herself. "What Fence was talking about, Aegis. It's a really powerful Divine Blessing; one bestowed by the goddesses many years ago on an Adventurer to help fight the Devil King. Only...well, they sort of failed."
"So I gathered, considering he's still around," Kazuma said wryly. "I thought Divine Blessings only work for the people they're gifted to though?"
"They do now, after the goddesses realized how dangerous having a bunch of stupidly powerful relics wandering around was," Chris explained. "In Aegis's case, it makes the wearer invulnerable to all damage. If Alderp has it...I don't like that guy. Something about him stinks. He started off as a nobody and bought his way into power. His money though...I could never prove it's dirty. And all the jobs people have tried to pull on him have failed."
"Really?" Kazuma rubbed his chin, considering. "Well hell. I'd try and screw with Alderp for free, but if there's money in it too, that just makes it even better. What's the plan?"
"I've cased the place before, but never had a reason to go myself," Chris told Kazuma. "I think I know where he'd keep Aegis too. He's got a vault in that manor house he keeps locked up tight. Let me get a few things together, and I'll contact you in a few nights. Make sure you bring your outfit."
"Right, I think I can handle that," Kazuma agreed. Then, he thought of something. "Say, they play any games or something around here? Maybe we could wager shares on the job or something."
Chris's eyes sparkled at that. "Oh, we could try a game or two. I've got some dice and cards. What's your poison?"
They ended up playing a game of Cho-Han, which people in Belzerg were familiar with thanks to exposure from other reincarnates, who Chris seemed familiar with in her role as Eris's chosen Priest of Thieves. Kazuma noticed everyone watching as he shook his dice cup, and saw a wicked gleam in Chris's eyes. They were playing for 5% shares, starting off at a 50-50 split.
"Well, you call it first," Chris said, grinning at him.
"Han," Kazuma said confidently, then lifted the cup.
There was a gasp around the room as Chris blinked in surprise: the dice totaled 20. Kazuma had guessed correctly.
"Huh. Well. My turn." Chris grabbed the cup from Kazuma. She shook, slammed the cup down, and proclaimed: "Han." Once again, the number was even.
Kazuma didn't think it was a big deal, everyone got it right sometimes. He spun the dice in the cup and set it down, calling, "Cho" without even thinking about it. The pips showed 13.
After a bit, Kazuma noticed that even Fence was leaning over his bar, watching with narrowed eyes. He and Chris had gone back and forth a dozen times, and neither one of them had gotten a single guess wrong so far. Normally, Cho-Han was a game of pure luck, which played to Kazuma's favor. Chris, however, was matching him guess for guess.
At last, Kazuma lifted the cup after calling "Han" and got it wrong. He groaned, and passed the cup to Chris. She smirked at him. "One last one. I think 60-40's a good split." She spun the dice out and called, "Cho!"
But when she lifted the cup, the dice showed 22. She goggled at them, her mouth flopping open.
"Eh, that was fun, but I guess we'll just keep thing's 50-50, partner," Kazuma chuckled.
"Sweet lady of the night," Fence breathed.
"Chris LOST?" Benni gasped, her expression as thunderstruck as if Eris herself had appeared before her.
"Hey, she didn't lose, we tied. Guess our luck's about even," Kazuma said with a simple shrug.
"Boy, ain't NOBODY got luck as good as our Priest o' the Night," Fence growled. "You cheated."
"What?! I did no such thing! These are her dice!" Kazuma protested.
"She did say he was her acolyte," Benni mused. "Goddess must watch over him too."
"That can't be right, Fortune doesn't favor fools," Fence spat.
Chris held up her hands. "Hey, hey, if he were cheating, you don't think I'd notice? My luck just wasn't in tonight I suppose. Kazuma's a friend, and my partner. I won't take kindly to anyone claiming he stiffed me. He's a noble thief, just like me."
The rest of the No-name seemed to accept that, but eyed Kazuma with a lot more interest and respect as they went back to sit down.
"Well, that was fun. I don't lose often," Chris declared. "But I think I'm ready to turn in. Got a lot of work to get done. You find your own way home OK?"
"Please, usually it's the man who offers to escort the woman home," Kazuma said as they stood and left.
"Yeah, well, I think we both know who's more likely to win if we have a duel that doesn't involve dice," Chris said, pulling her eyelid down and sticking her tongue out at Kazuma.
"Oh, were you thinking of another steal off? I could use a good pair of socks, or something else," Kazuma said, wiggling his fingers in Chris's direction.
"Try that, and you can kiss your crack at Alderp's treasure goodbye," Chris informed Kazuma, some of the humor leaving her voice.
"Yeah, yeah, I know better than that now. I was trying for your dagger, you know," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"Just so we're clear, that's the only reason I didn't kick your ass," Chris said. "Thanks for the laughs, Kazuma. I'll let you know when I'm ready to move."
The next few days Kazuma went on more quests, and used some of his share to buy a few simple thief's tools, like extra rope, padded shoes, and some fine leather gloves along with a few smoke bombs and some caltrops. He figured whatever her didn't use on the Alderp job he'd use on his normal dungeon routines, so he didn't feel like he was wasting any money.
After four nights, Kazuma found a note waiting for him stating that his socks were ready for pick up from the local Erisite clergy. Aqua gave him a hard time about using an Erisite church to get his socks from, but Kazuma brushed it off. He got his thief kit together, and slipped out his bedroom window. He technically didn't HAVE to sneak out, but it felt like the proper way to go about things.
Chris was waiting for him just outside of town, dressed in dark leathers of her own, with a silver bandana about her neck.
"The masked thief rides again," Chris chuckled when she saw Kazuma had brought the same goofy mask from before. "Well, at least you're ready. Come on, let's make this job quick."
Once to Alderp's manor, Chris led Kazuma to a dark corner where the guards passed infrequently. They used their ropes and a few thief skills to quickly scale the wall, then make a dash for a nearby servants door.
"Sense Trap," Chris whispered, her eyes glowing silver in the moonlight. She frowned, turning her head to one side. "Huh."
"What is it?" Kazuma hissed.
"Nothing. There's just...There's nothing. This doesn't feel right," Chris whispered back. "You check."
"Sense Trap," Kazuma whispered, but he too failed to find anything.
"Something's wrong here. There should be a ward, or something," Chris muttered. "We're going back. I have a sneaking suspicion."
"We find no traps and you call the job off?" Kazuma demanded, feeling a bit put out.
"Look, trust me on this. I got a bad feeling about this. Put your hand on the door," Chris said.
Kazuma did so, and felt a chill run down his spine. Something was...wrong. He couldn't put his finger on it, it wasn't a skill, but…
"Yeah, let's get out of here," Kazuma agreed.
They fled to a nearby dispatch, where they reassessed the situation. "There's some sort of ward on that door, but it's not normal magic," Chris said quietly. "Something our thief skills can't sense. But it's there, I can feel it in my bones. We'll have to come at this from another angle."
"Could it be electronic?" Kazuma asked.
Chris cocked her head at him. "I...what's that?"
Kazuma briefly explained how an electrical security system worked, but then she shook her head. "No, thief skills would pick that up: it's a trap, even if it works mechanically. I've run into stuff like that before, mostly on stuff from reincarnators. No, it's magic of some sort. But what kind…"
"Well if it's magic, couldn't we dispel it?" Kazuma asked.
"Sure, but we do that and they'll know something's up," Chris pointed out. "And if it's just that one ward that fails, Alderp will know to come and check it out."
Kazuma considered that, then grinned maliciously. "I think I have a plan. Someone's about to earn a lot of stickers."
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