Chris Part 2 - To Catch a Thief
Over the next two weeks, Kazuma bribed Aqua into going with him at every hour of the day and night, and casting Sacred Dispel over Alderp's manor. He told her it was just to mess with him for taking away her stuff (which made Aqua rather eager to participate in the scheme). He also got Darkness and Megumin to go practice Explosions at odd hours near Alderp's manor. Never on his lands, and never trying to hide what they were doing. It got to where Alderp's guards would follow the two of them, but as Darkness was a big shot noble, they couldn't actually interfere with it.
Then, after sixteen days of nonstop dispels and Explosions, Kazuma and Chris struck again. This time, neither of them got a bad feeling at the door, either because Alderp had given up warding his house, or because he hadn't had time to put them back up after only a few minutes. He had made a few public threats, but apparently couldn't figure out that it was Aqua doing it.
They snuck inside, past a few guards, and into the treasure vault, which came open easily since all the magical protections were gone.
Inside, they found mountains of gold and gems, which they quickly filled a few bags with, but there were a few objects that caught Chris's eyes.
"This is bad, Kazuma. He's got the Talisman of Binding Shard! It allows you to body swap! And he's got Aegis! These are powerful Divine Treasures, they need to be removed immediately," Chris said firmly.
"Right. The talisman is easy, but that armor looks heavy," Kazuma said, eyeing it. "I don't have the heavy armor skill, I can't just wear it."
"Well, I wouldn't let you wear me even if you did!" Aegis huffed, suddenly sitting up. "You're not a cute girl at all!'
Kazuma jerked back, shocked. "What?! You can talk?!"
"Of course I can, I'm a magic set of armor," Aegis huffed. "And if you're here to steal me, I'm going to raise a ruckus. Alderp takes very good care of me."
"Oh, er, no, I'm not. But, um, my very cute girlfriend here wanted to try you on. She heard you were the, um, sexiest armor around."
Chris shot a glance at Kazuma, but played along, fluttering her eyelashes at the armor. "Oh yes please, Mr. Aegis. I heard you were the nicest set of armor a girl could wish for!"
"You're a girl? I'm not letting you try me on, you're far too flat!" Aegis snapped.
At that, Chris let out a growl and the hair on the back of her neck began to bristle, but Kazuma stepped in.
"Whoa whoa, slow your roll there, pal. Haven't you heard? Flat is justice. Buxom is out. The discerning gentleman of taste knows that the real sexy is found in the legs. And have you seen her legs? Look at those thighs! Toned, sexy, and perfect! And the hips! How can you deny this rockin' bod? Besides, if she weren't built like that, how could she wear you? It would chafe, and you'd be uncomfortable. But she'll slip right in, like a glove! Trust me, you'll feel much better with a real woman like Chris here, not some big titted bimbo."
By the end of it, both Kazuma and Chris were blushing deep red, but Aegis didn't seem to notice. "Really? You think so? Hmm. Well, I suppose, if you say she's cute enough...Alderp really is too fat and greasy, and he does make my plates ache when he tries to put me on. Oh, alright. Just a quick jaunt. But maybe if she wore a push up bra?"
"Sure, just let her hop in. She'll take you back home, put one on, and you can have the best of both worlds," Kazuma assured Aegis.
"Flat is justice?" Chris whispered as she slipped past Kazuma.
"Hey, it worked," Kazuma hissed back. "Don't complain!"
Despite her lacking the heavy Armor Skill, Chris was able to easily move in Aegis, and was much stronger. As such, they grabbed another bag of gold along with the Talisman of Binding Shard, and snuck out of the vault. Unfortunately, Aegis wasn't exactly quiet, and they soon attracted the attention of a couple of guards.
"Hey, you, stop right-"
Kazuma pulled out his slingshot and fired two bean bags at the guards, smacking them right in the forehead. They went down in a heap, and he and Chris turned and sprinted for the main exit, as there was no way they were making it over the wall with Aegis. A few more guards and a very angry Alderp came after them, but with some smoke bombs, caltrops, and Kazuma using his Create Water and Freeze skills to create a slick surface, they were able to successfully dodge their pursuers and make their way back to Chris's house.
"Alright, Aegis, in you go," Chris said, opening up her basement. Inside was a glowing portal, which she shoved the suit of armor and the talisman into. She sighed. "Safe at last."
"Where's that go?" Kazuma asked curiously.
"Deep Storage. You don't wanna go in there. Basically prison for overpowered items," Chris told Kazuma. "And before you think of trying to steal them from me, just remember that you'd be stealing from Eris as well."
"Well, I guess it would be a good idea not to piss off my ticket back for the next time I need a resurrection," Kazuma admitted reluctantly. "So, that went pretty good, eh?"
"Not bad," Chris agreed, dusting her hands off once she had locked and sealed her cellar with a few spells. "You make a pretty good partner, Mr. 'Flat is Justice.'"
Kazuma blushed, and looked away. "Well, I mean, I said you were cute before. I just...figured I needed to explain my reasoning to Aegis."
"Oh is that it?"
Kazuma jerked around to find Chris grinning at him from only centimeters away. She closed her eyes and leaned in, planting a kiss on his cheek. "Well, that was sweet of you, anyway. And, I admit, that was pretty fun."
Gently, Kazuma put a hand to his cheek, his mouth open slightly. Chris frowned at him. "What?"
"That was…" Kazuma blushed and looked away.
"Oh, don't tell me that was your first kiss? Those three pretty girls you live with and you haven't even done some smooching with them?" Chris giggled.
"Well, no, I mean, we're just...it's not like that," Kazuma stammered.
"Oh really? Well then. Pucker up." Chris grabbed Kazuma and leaned in towards him, her lips parted slightly.
Kazuma found himself wrapping his arms around Chris and pulling her in, feeling her warm skin against his. This time, the kiss lasted a lot longer, and when Kazuma pulled away they were both breathing hard.
"Oh you are a hoot," Chris giggled. "A real blushing virgin of my very own. Been a while since I did that."
Kazuma blushed and then frowned. "What, you can't be more than 15? Are you claiming to be some sort of experienced lover or something?"
"More than you, lover boy," Chris said, poking Kazuma in the belly. "Now come on, let's divy up the loot. Fair's fair: 50-50."
"You did get to keep Aegis and the Talisman," Kazuma pointed out.
"Oh, fine. I'll toss you a few extra Eris. That kiss wasn't half bad either, for someone who has no practice," Chris told him with a wink.
"Well, er, thanks," Kazuma said, feeling a bit out of sorts as he stood outside Chris's door. "I um, well, it was fun. If you ever need a partner again…"
"I'll look you up," Chris promised. "I've got jobs every now and then of a special nature like this."
Kazuma nodded, and turned away. He felt his bare feet rub in his boots, he still didn't have any socks, and something made him turn back. "Hey, would you like to go Adventuring some time?"
"What?" Chris blinked at Kazuma. "You mean...like with you, Darkness, Aqua, and Megumin?"
"Yeah, um, I mean...I had fun. And I think the girls did too, helping with the heist. Maybe...maybe you could join us on a few kill quests?" Kazuma offered.
Chris regarded him for a moment, then shrugged. "Sure, if I have the time. Might be good for a laugh or two, and I've missed hanging out with Darkness." Then she leaned towards Kazuma. "And if you're good, who knows? Maybe you'll earn another round of smoochin'."
Then she giggled and closed the door, leaving a very flustered Kazuma standing in the night. He spun about, heading back to the mansion. But despite the heavy bags of loot, his heart was light.
The first few times Chris teamed up with Kazuma's party, Megumin seemed to resent her presence. "You are trying to replace me with a thief! Is my mastery of not only Intermediate Magic but also Explosion Magic not good enough for you?"
"No, I just, you like Chris, right? It'll be fun! Besides, with her along, we can take on even harder quests. We'll make more money and experience in the end. It'll work out, you'll see!" Kazuma assured her.
Megumin didn't seem to believe him, but once Chris came along, she couldn't maintain her sour disposition with Chris's friendly banter. Darkness and Aqua were perfectly happy to have Chris along, with Aqua remarking that it felt like she knew Chris already.
"Well, we've hung out a time or two, now we're just adventuring buddies, right?" Chris laughed.
Megumin did sour up again when she saw Chris peck Kazuma on the cheek when they parted ways. "So, is she your woman now, Kazuma? Are the three beautiful maidens you live with not good enough for you?"
Rubbing at his cheek, Kazuma glanced at Megumin. "What? No, you three girls are great. It's just...I mean, you're like sisters to me, you know? We have fun together and stuff, and I'd do just about anything for you Megumin, but...I dunno. I don't think I could be the Crimson Demon you want in a boyfriend. Not that I don't want to still be friends, I just...like I said. You're like a sister to me."
Megumin didn't talk to Kazuma all the way back to the mansion, but Darkness pulled her aside when they got back and had a long talk in her room. At the end of it, Kazuma heard crying from both women, but he stayed well out of it. The next day though, Megumin was much warmer to Kazuma, and even told him, "If you want your girlfriend to come with us again...I like Chris too."
"What?! No, we're not- look, she's just, um, a friend, you know?" Kazuma babbled.
"Hmph. And are you trying to tell me you think of her as a sister too?" Megumin demanded.
Kazuma couldn't find an answer, but Megumin sighed and nodded. "It is fine. Just...try to be happy, Kazuma. You have given all three of us a great deal of happiness. You deserve to find some of your own. I never thought I'd find two sisters and a brother amongst the outsiders, but I suppose I have."
Chris ended up joining Kazuma's party for more and more of their Adventures, even coming with them to the Crimson Demon Village when Yunyun asked for help fighting off the Devil King's army. Things went well, right up until Kazuma tried to escape from Sylvia, only to have her snap his neck when he told the general he preferred less well endowed girls.
He found himself once more in the circle of light, but this time, Eris wasn't there to greet him. He sat there for a long time, twiddling his thumbs. It gave him time to think. If he had died for the last time, what were his regrets? He had a few, like never getting to lead the easy life or own all the Power Nine in black or white border, but one stood out: He'd never really acted on his feelings for Chris.
He REALLY didn't think of her like a sister, not at all. She was fun, a good friend, really sexy, someone he enjoyed spending time with. And, if he were honest, he cared about her. A lot. He made up his mind.
"Sorry!" Eris gasped, rushing into the circle of light with her skirts held up in both hands. "I was, um, busy! Got held up! Anyway, I-"
"Eris, I, um, I have something to ask you," Kazuma said, fiddling with his fingers again.
"Oh? Make it fast, Aqua's getting really impatient," Eris gasped, making the motions to open the gateway back to the mortal realm.
"Chris, she's...she's important to you, right? Your special priest or something?"
Eris froze, but then nodded. "Er, yes, that is true. She, um, told you that, did she?"
"Yeah, I just...do you know if she likes me?" Kazuma asked.
This time, Eris looked like a deer caught in the headlights, her mouth hanging open slightly.
"Sorry! Sorry, I just...I think I love her," Kazuma said, waving his hands. "I just...can priests of Eris, you know, have boyfriends and stuff? We've made out a few times, and well, I don't think she was all that serious, but...well, I mean...if I had one regret before I died, it was that I never told her how I felt. I guess I should just man up and tell her, especially since you can't keep bringing me back to life forever…"
"Oh Kazuma," Eris groaned. "Look, to Chris, you're just-"
A look of dawning horror came over Eris, and she covered her face with her hands, the resurrection spell forgotten.
Kazuma's heart sank. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Just a friend. Well. I guess...I guess I have to try anyway. I mean, if I never risk it, what good am I? I've got to be a man!"
Before Eris could respond, there was a banging sound. "Eris!" Aqua's voice shouted. "Hurry it up! I've been waiting forever, Kazuma's already gone cold!"
"We, we'll talk later," Eris said hurriedly, and finished the spell. Kazuma felt himself sucked back to life, and found himself looking up at an irate Aqua.
"Finally! What the heck was Eris doing, taking a nap?! I was nearly getting worried about you there!" Aqua ranted.
"Kazuma, are you well?" Darkness asked, kneeling at his side with a concerned look. Megumin and Yunyun stood a few meters away, looking frightened, until they saw Kazuma sit up and take a breath.
"Yeah, I just... I had some time to think," Kazuma sighed. He looked around. "Where's Chris?"
"She did not take your death well," Darkness told him gently. "She wept, actually. She said it was foolish, that you had died before and would be back, but...to see you die wounded her deeply. She was...not gentle...with Sylvia."
Kazuma looked over to see a mutilated corpse with two daggers jammed in the eye sockets and made a face. "No kidding. Where'd she go?"
"She returned to the village," Megumin informed Kazuma. "She was not well. I told her to go back to my house and lie down. I think seeing you dead...she was worried about you, Kazuma."
"Thanks." Kazuma took off at a run, but had to slow to a walk, feeling winded. He felt all stiff and out of sorts, and he grimaced. Maybe all these deaths were adding up. He really did have to act on this, and fast.
However, when he got back, Yueyue had only a note for him.
"Need to do some thinking. Come to my place in a day or two. -Chris."
That made Kazuma nearly frantic with worry, but he didn't have any way to get back to Axel quickly, and wasn't sure how Chris had managed it, as Yueyue said she hadn't teleported Chris, she'd simply vanished.
They stayed at the Crimson Demon village for a day to celebrate their victory, but Kazuma's friends could see he was anxious to see Chris again, and they left after spending only a single night at the Crimson Demon village. Kazuma ran all the way to Chris's house, getting there just as the sun was setting. He pounded on Chris's door, and for a moment, he worried she wouldn't answer.
"Hey," Chris called.
Kazuma spun about to see her waiting by the open door to her basement. She looked drawn and worried, and Kazuma hurried over to her.
"Chris, I-"
But she held out a hand, looking away. "Kazuma, I...I haven't been honest with you."
Kazuma paushed, uncertain. "What...what do you mean?" A horrible thought flashed through his mind. Did she love someone else? Had she been playing with him?
"Please, it's...it'll be easier just to show you." Chris beckoned Kazuma, then went back into her basement. He hurried after her, following her down the ladder.
"Take my hand," Chris told him. "The portal will reject you otherwise."
"Er, ok," Kazuma said, and slipped his fingers around Chris's hand. He felt a tingle of hope go down his spine, and managed to smile at her.
Instead of an answering smile, Chris started to cry. Kazuma tried to jerk back, but she clung to him. "No, I just...I have to tell you the truth. Come on. Oh gods. I can't believe...never thought it would happen, not to me…"
Chris led Kazuma through the portal, and he was blinded in a flash of light. When they were through, he found himself standing in a familiar circle of light.
"Chris?" he asked, looking around, thunderstruck. "What is-"
"You know where this is, Kazuma. You've been here many times," Chris told him. Gently, she took her hand away from his, and took a deep breath. "I...I've been lying to you, Kazuma. I'm not...well, I mean, I am Chris. But...I'm really someone else."
Chris closed her eyes and spread her hands, and she...rippled. Her face changed, just a little, mostly the scar vanishing, and her hair growing out, the lines on it smoothing away into serene agelessness. Her clothing changed from thief's garb to purple robes with a silver feather mantle, and Kazuma sank to his knees, his heart seeming to freeze in his chest.
"I...Eris?"
"Yeah," the goddess admitted, a few tears trickling down her cheeks. "Kazuma, I...I'm not just Chris. I'm...I'm a goddess. Chris is...well, she is me. But...me as I was, all those years ago, as a mortal. She's...well, she's my avatar. Like...like a character in one of those games you play in japan. When I need to go out into the world, I use her."
"So...Chris, she...she isn't real?" Kazuma whispered. He felt as though he should cry, but he was just...numb.
"Were your characters in those games you played real?" Eris asked gently. "Were they not really just a part of yourself you projected into those worlds?"
"I mean...kinda?" Kazuma admitted, not certain what to make of this.
"Chris is...she is real, Kazuma. She is me. And...and you were going to tell her, to tell me...you love me," Eris said, sinking down to her own knees before Kazuma.
He nodded silently.
Eris took a deep breath. "I...Kazuma, if I were just Chris...I'd say yes. That I do want to be with you. What we share is real. But...I'm not just a mortal girl, Kazuma. I'm a goddess. If I were to take you as a lover...I suppose I could play along as Chris. That's not strictly against the rules. But...but that wouldn't be right. Not for you, not for me. I...I do love you, Kazuma. But if I were to act on that...I wouldn't be Eris anymore. I'd just be Chris."
"You...you could do that, couldn't you?" Kazuma asked, feeling a faint glimmer of hope.
"No, Kazuma. Not even for you. I have a duty to my followers. I have millions of them all over this world. I can't abandon them. I care for them. All of them. To leave them would be...I can't do it, Kazuma. I...I'm sorry. I thought...I thought this could just be something fun I did. But...but it wasn't just that to you. Or...or if I'm honest, to me."
Kazuma closed his eyes. He wanted to rage, wanted to shout, wanted to rant and rave and spit and drag Eris out of the portal and MAKE her his girl, make her stay, but…
He licked his lips and swallowed. In a hoarse voice, he croaked. "I understand." Then, slowly, Kazuma got up, and bowed. "I...you mean the world to me, Chris...Eris...but...but I understand. Thanks. It was...fun."
Then, slowly, Kazuma walked out of the portal, leaving a weeping Eris behind him.
Instead of going back to the mansion, Kazuma went straight to the guildhall. Then, he got blind, stinking drunk. He drank whiskey until he puked, then drank some more, until a very concerned Luna had Dust take a nearly unconscious Kazuma back to the mansion. When he woke up with a pounding headache, he found a teary eyed Aqua sitting on his bed.
"Kazuma?" she whispered. "What happened?"
"She said she loved me," Kazuma said quietly.
Aqua blinked, then smiled. "What? That's great! Oh man, I thought something horrible had happened! No one has seen Chris in days, and-"
"Aqua. Chris...isn't a real person. She...she's Eris's avatar," Kazuma told her. "She...told me she loved me, but...but she couldn't give up her followers for me."
That news made Aqua look sick, then start to cry. "Oh, Kazuma. I...I understand." She leaned down and kissed him gently on his forehead. "If ever there were a man to make goddesses be willing to become mortal...I'm so sorry."
After a moment, Aqua gently patted Kazuma on the head, then quietly left the room.
For days, Kazuma felt morose and listless. He went on a few quests with his three old companions, but life just...felt empty. He knew he would get over the heartache. He was young, only 18 now. He'd have other chances in a few years, or perhaps even months. Megumin had never stopped looking at him. Maybe he could kindle something there. But for now...he just hurt. He didn't dive back into the bottle, and he tried to find laughter again, but it was hard.
Then, one day, Aqua came and got him. "Come on. Eris contacted me. We're going to my shrine."
"Er, OK?" Kazuma said, feeling a bit baffled. "Just...it's OK. I understand. She's a goddess, and, well, she's got responsibilities."
"You need to talk to her I think, Kazuma," Aqua said gently. "You're still sad. I know it hurts, but...you have to try to talk to her. Eris was mortal once too. She knows what it is to feel real loss."
Reluctantly, Kazuma went to Aqua's shrine, where he found Chris waiting for them, kneeling before a moss covered statue of Aqua standing over an angle tinted pool.
Chris stood when she saw them coming, her expression pained. "Kazuma, I…" she took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have led you on like that. But...I think I have something."
"Eris, I...I don't expect you to give up your divinity for me. And...and your other followers are important too," Kazuma told her. "It's not easy, but...I'll get over it. And, well, forever is a long time. I know you'll forget me, eventually."
"I don't think so. I had lovers back when I was a mortal, but...well. Aqua, I'm going to need your help."
"OK," Aqua agreed, looking pensive. "With what, exactly? I can do a lot, Eris, but...I can't fool Upper Management. They're pretty firm on the whole no boinking rule."
"I need...I need you to bring me back to life," Chris said, taking a deep breath.
Aqua cocked her head to one side. "What?"
"Aqua, I'm going to...make a copy, so to speak," Chris said, wringing her hands. "I'm going to kill Chris. Put a full load of memories into her, and then sever the connection. Forever. I...I'll still be Eris. But...but I won't be able to access Chris ever again. She'll be...dead. But...but if you bring her back to life... Chris would be, well, a regular mortal. You're a senior goddess, you can create life."
"Wait, what are you saying?" Kazuma demanded.
Chris took a deep breath. "I think...I think I care about you enough to spend at least one lifetime with you, Kazuma. Can...can you do it Aqua?"
For a moment, Aqua considered it, then flashed a smile. "Of course! I'm your super amazing senior goddess! For you, Eris, and Kauzma, not a problem!"
"Ok." Chris took a breath, then slowly lay down. Kazuma scrambled to her side, taking her hand.
"I'd ask if it hurts, but I think I know the answer," Chris said, giving a nervous chuckle. She squeezed her eyes shut. "Hang on, Kazuma. Just...hang on. I'll be right back."
"Chris, I...I love you," Kazuma said, gripping her hand in both of his.
She cracked open one eye. "I know, stupid. That's why I'm doing this!"
Then she suddenly went still, her eye staring blankly up at Kazuma. He looked up at Aqua, feeling his heart fluttering in panic.
Aqua cocked her head to one side, as if listening to something. "Hmm. Just a minute. Gotta wait for the soul to be severed."
It felt like an eternity, but at last, Aqua raised her hands. Glowing light filled them, and Aqua's eyes glowed blue as water swirled out of the air through her hands, and into Chris's mouth and nose. Aqua began to hum, and the sound made Kazuma's skin crawl and soul weep it was so unearthly beautiful. After several minutes, Aqua stopped, and the water vanished, leaving Chris laying in the dirt.
Suddenly, Chris gasped for air, and jerked upright, both eyes snapping open. "I...oh...oh goddess, I...I can't feel it! It's gone! All of it's gone! What have I done!?"
"Chris? Chris! It's ok, I'm here," Kazuma cried, pulling Chris close to him. She began to sob, rocking back and forth gently.
"I knew it would happen, but...I can't feel them, Kazuma. All my followers, they're just...they're gone. All of them. I...I did it. I'm mortal, but...oh goddess, Aqua am I, is Eris, is she…?"
"Yup, she's still there," Aqua confirmed with a nod of her head. "I had to make a new soul and stick it in you. Took some kneading, had to get it imprinted with all those memories so it's a perfect copy. Bits missing though, mostly all those divine traits. Had to trim down some of those memories too, but I mostly got rid of minor stuff you don't need to worry about anyway," Aqua said dismissively. "Plus some proprietary stuff mortals aren't allowed to know."
"I...I don't remember anything like that," Chris admitted, licking her lips. "I remember being a goddess, remember things I did, but...there are blanks."
"Duh, I just told you there were. Sheesh, try to keep up. You can't imprint a few millennia of memories on a mortal soul. They don't have space for it. But you're still you, mostly."
Kazuma swallowed. "Chris, I-"
"Oh shut up and kiss me. We're getting laid tonight. Or as soon as we can get back to my place. Geeze, it's been way too damn long since THAT happened."
There wasn't really anything to say to that, so Kazuma did kiss Chris, longer and more passionately than ever before.
Neither of them saw Aqua turn and give a thumbs up to a cloaked figure watching them from behind a tree not far away. Eris, Goddess of Fortune, forced a smile, and nodded her thanks. She turned away before she started crying. She'd given up something too. She'd lied to Kazuma. She hadn't copied her memories of Chris. She'd ripped them right out, keeping only the most important ones. Whatever she'd felt for Kazuma, it was gone now, faded to a distant faint glow of affection instead of burning passion and desire. She would remain a goddess, and do her duty.
But she'd never know the love a mortal heart could. Part of her was pained at that. But part of her wished her daughter well.
And she prayed both Chris and Kazuma would be happy.
Kazuma and Chris did indeed get laid that day, and night, and the following day. Their love making was awkward and frantic at first, but soon they were just two horny teens enjoying themselves. Before long, Chris's sadness faded away as her memories of being a goddess rapidly dimmed. She could recall her distant past life as a mortal as well, but any memories outside of her time as Chris the thief were soon nothing but shadows. She'd given up a lot for Kazuma, but she figured it was worth it.
She would have to get rid of all those socks she had hidden in the basement though.
Route Success! Play Again?
Authors Note:
And with that, we have the first of our secret routes done. Next up is Wiz. It will be a while before that happens, probably next month.