Oh! Welcome to my shop! What would you like to buy today? I have potions, some new socks and- m-m-me?! Oh, um, I-I guess it's my turn...
Secret Route Wiz: Money Can't Buy Happiness
The bell on the shop let out the same merry tinkle it always did as Kazuma stepped in, and Wiz looked up from the counter, giving him a big smile. "Welcome! How's my best customer today?"
"Confused," Kazuma admitted, wincing slightly as he walked over. "And a bit sore footed. I figured I'd ask you first. You got any socks for sale?"
"Of course! I have several varieties!" Wiz said happily, then frowned. "Sore footed? What happened?"
"You'll never believe this, but," Kazuma leaned onto the counter, glancing around. The shop was usually empty; the only other person Kazuma ever saw in Wiz's shop was Yunyun or the occasional sucker, but he couldn't be too careful. "Look. Someone stole all my socks last night."
"All...your socks?" Wiz asked, blinking slightly in confusion.
"Yeah, I can't figure it out," Kazuma admitted. "I woke up this morning, and...poof. All my socks, just gone. I'm gonna need some more. I figured, well, you're a good friend and all, so I should check in with you first before I went somewhere else."
Wiz seemed to not believe this, until Kazuma rolled up his trouser legs and showed her that he did, in fact, have no socks to wear with his boots. "My goodness! What sort of person goes around stealing socks? Well, you're in luck! I just got these in last week." After rummaging around in a few crates, Wiz bustled back with an armful of brightly colored woolen stockings.
As she laid them out, Kazuma had to work to keep a straight face; the first set was green and red, and made in the shape of a hissing basilisk, complete with a long red tongue at the toe of the sock. The next was white, brown, and gold, and showed a griffin with little wings sticking out of the sides. The rest were similarly ridiculous, from a crimson manticore to a purple goblin.
"What do you think? Aren't they just darling!" Wiz said excitedly, a happy smile on her face as she held up a griffon sock. "No one's asked me about socks, but I think if you walk around wearing them, they'll be best sellers! Which will you take? They're only 1000 eris each!"
"Well, money's a bit tight right now," Kazuma admitted. That was a bit of an understatement, considering just about everything he'd owned had been repossessed to pay off the parties debts from accidentally on purpose blowing up Alderp's mansion. He couldn't say that to Wiz though, as she wasn't exactly rich herself, and had really helped him out by teleporting that coronatite in the first place. Since, you know, he hadn't died again.
Carefully, Kazuma counted out 3000 eris, picking out the dragon, griffin, and skeleton sock pairs. He probably could have gotten a few dozen pairs from someone else for that much, but Wiz was a good friend. He was a bit leery of having to wear them in public, but what the hell. She'd helped him out in the past, and he owed her. Plus, the huge smile on Wiz's face as she carefully wrapped up his socks in a special bag for him was worth a little extra eris.
Taking the dragon socks, Kazuma sat down on a crate of unsold glow in the dark toothbrushes and pulled off his boots, wincing slightly. He gingerly wiggled his toes, making a face at the blisters that were forming from having to walk around without socks.
"Oh! Hold just a moment, I have some salve I can put on that for you," Wiz told Kazuma. "Plus, those look like they could use a soak in a tub of hot water. Your poor feet! I remember how my feet would hurt after a long day of adventuring."
Kazuam relaxed, putting his feet into a tub of warm water Wiz heated with a quick spell and poured some herbs and salts into.
"Thanks Wiz, this helps a lot," Kazuma sighed, closing his eyes and letting some of the tension drain out of him. "You must do this a lot, considering you have to be on your feet all day as a shopkeeper."
"Oh, um, I don't...that is, as a lich...that's not really a pain I have to worry about so much," Wiz admitted, looking away with a sad expression.
"Oh? You got some sort of pain resistance or something? Must be nice. I could use that, considering how often I get beat up on our quests." Even with Darkness's improved abilities as a tank, somehow the monsters that didn't go straight for Aqua always chose Kazuma to snack on.
"No, um, you see, the undead...our existence is pain," Wiz said quietly, serving Kazuma a cup of steaming hot tea. "Every moment is filled with anguish. You...you get used to it. Sore feet don't really even register for me anymore."
"What?! Wiz, that's terrible! How do you stand it?!"
For a moment, Wiz didn't answer, sipping at her tea. She grimaced, then forced a strained laugh. "Honestly, I can't even really taste this tea anymore. It's, well, it's a habit of mine, and it makes others more comfortable. I just...Kazuma, you know I keep the barriers to the Devil King active, but I also prevent him from harming innocent lives. I have to do that. And...well, I have to hold out for my dream. No matter how impossible it seems."
Kazuma considered that, then nodded. "I understand. I've got dreams of my own I've got to press forward too. I think we share our dream, actually."
"Oh?" Wiz flushed, eyeing Kazuma coyly. "You think so?"
"Sure. Don't worry Wiz, we'll both be stinking rich someday, with no annoying goddesses to drag us down into debt. Here's to both of us realizing our dreams of wealth!" Kazuma held out his tea cup to Wiz, who seemed startled, but after a moment, she nodded and gently tapped hers to his.
"Um, yes. To wealth! May my shop someday be successful, and your own dream realized!"
Kazuma noticed Wiz seemed melancholic, but he put that up to her admitting she was a terrible businesswoman. He thanked her for the salve and foot bath, put on his new weird socks, and headed out.
A few days later, Kazuma stopped back in at Wiz's shop. He'd made a bit more money, and he figured he owed it to Wiz to help her realize her dream after she'd been so kind, and had decided to buy some more socks from her.
"Oh, Kazuma, good to see you again! I've had a lot of interested customers in my socks lately! They're becoming a bestseller!" Wiz informed him, smiling brightly. "Thanks for advertising them for me!"
"Hey, no problem," Kazuma laughed, rubbing the back of his head. While Dust and some of the other guys had made fun of his goofy looking socks, Megumin, Yunyun, Luna, and a lot of the other girls had been very interested in them. He was glad that was helping Wiz out, and the socks were actually pretty comfortable. Kazuma was willing to put up with the jibes to fulfill his true secret dream: To shed his virgin status forever.
"Actually, I've come to buy a couple more pairs, if you have any left," Kazuma told Wiz as he stepped up to the counter.
"Oh! Well, I'll tell you what. I've got two pairs left. I'll give you one for doing me a favor, and the other is yours if run a quick errand for me," Wiz told Kazuma.
"You're never going to realize your dream if you just give stuff away, Wiz," Kazuma laughed, but he took the socks and tucked them away; he didn't exactly have a ton of extra cash himself. "What's the favor?"
"A...friend of mine is in the area. I want you to bring him a welcome gift I made!" Wiz told Kazuma, pulling out a heavily laden picnic basket.
"Ok, sure, that doesn't sound too hard. Who's your friend?" Kazuma asked.
Wiz blushed. "Um, you see...he's sort of one of the Devil King's generals. But don't worry! Vanir's like me. He's, um, well, he's a bit eccentric, but he means well. He would never hurt an innocent human. I just wanted to make sure he was OK in his dungeon. I figure, since you're a skilled Adventurer, you could get past all his traps without a problem."
"Another general of the Devil King," Kazuma said flatly. But he shrugged. "Well, I guess it's worth it, for a pair of socks. Sheesh. What's in the basket, anyway?"
"Oh! I made Vanir some treats! There's some fresh baked bread, honeyed ham, some spice cakes, a few flasks of plum wine I made, some preserved peaches and pears, and my specialty! Griffon Meat and Gravy Pies! I had to hunt down a griffon to make them. Here, I made extra! You can have some to keep you full on the way to the dungeon Vanir's moved into."
Accepting two picnic baskets, Kazuma felt his mouth start to water as he smelled the delicious treats inside. "Wow, this looks really good, Wiz. Sure you don't want some?'
"I...well, I don't really eat," Wiz admitted. "I mean, I can, but...it just all tastes like ashes in my mouth."
"Man. Being undead doesn't sound like much fun. Can't imagine why you did it. Hope the perks make up for it," Kazuma said as he took up the baskets.
Wiz gave him a sad smile. "What matters is that I can keep those I love safe. Thank you, Kazuma. It's good to have a kind friend like you."
On the way to the dungeon, Kazuma just about fell in love with Wiz. Her cooking was simply divine: the Griffon Meat and Gravy pies were savory and delicious, with a perfect blend of tasty meat and vegetables and gravy to keep it moist. The plum wine had a bit of a kick, but was sweet and refreshing, and the spice cakes were just the right amount of sweet. He was tempted to pilfer Vanir's basket for some of his food, but Kazuma was already pretty full, and he'd feel bad if he betrayed Wiz's trust.
"Man, what a woman!" Kazuma chuckled to himself as he approached the dungeon. "Looks, and she can cook! Wish I had a girl like that…"
"Ah! Well then, foolish young adventurer who wanders into danger without a second thought, perhaps we might be of assistance to one another!"
Kazuma looked around, frowning. His sense foe skill wasn't going off, so he wasn't certain what was there. He put a hand on Chunchunmaru anyway, looking around warily. "Who's there?"
"Why it is none other than moi, Vanir, the one that you seek!" a man said, popping out from behind a tree and giving Kazuma a deep bow. He was dressed in a weird black and white mask and an old style suit, and moved with jerky, manic motions.
"Oh, hey. Thought you'd be hanging out in your hidey hole there," Kazuma said, taking the basket and stepping forward. "You look pretty goofy for a general of the Devil King. Wiz sent me with snacks. How'd you know I was coming?"
"Moi was merely out looking for materials to craft devilish devices to ward moi's newly acquired abode from fools such as yourself sticking their noses in without proper caution," Vanir declared. He eyed the basket, wrinkling the nose. "Intolerable woman. She sends me such disgusting trifels as these? She forgets our very nature."
"Hey now, Wiz worked hard on these, and they're really good! I wouldn't knock it till you've tried it, asshole," Kazuma snapped.
"Foolish boy who defends the honor of a woman who hungers without appetite, do you now know what moi is? Ha! Thou does not! You came on this journey armed merely with that silly bit of metal thou calls a sword and the good will of a lich! O-ho! Moi senses as your despair grows! Ah, now this is a fine meal to sup on! Perhaps Wiz knew her task after all! But no, she sent you with an extra repast." Vanir sighed dramatically, putting a hand to his mask and rubbing at it. "Indeed, Wiz has merely forgotten moi's nature again. She did always treat moi as merely a friend instead of the Duke of Hell."
"What?! A Duke of Hell?!" Kauma lept back, feeling nervous. "Are you a demon or something?"
"Ah! Sweet despair! Indeed, one who ventures into the lion's den unawares and unprepared, moi is one of the residents of the lower regions; indeed, a very picture of a terrifying demon. But calm thyself, foolish boy. Moi means you no harm. Perhaps thou can aid moi in achieving sweet oblivion, and in exchange, moi will deliver to thee what thou most desires."
"...unimaginable wealth?" Kazuma asked, feeling more than a little intrigued, though equally wary. "Listen here, Vanir. I know how these little deals with the devil work, and I'm not signing over my soul to you."
Vanir groaned and drew his hands down over his face. "Wealth, mortals say." He changed his voice, clasping his hands together and titting like a brainless idiot. "'Oh yes, Mr. Duke of Hell, what I really want is material wealth, or fame and glory, or strength of arms!'"
"Well, I mean, what else is there?" Kazuma demanded, trying hard to keep from flushing as he thought about his true desire. Rich guys got laid though, right?
"This is why moi pilfered thy footwear. Thou art utterly hopeless in even knowing thy own heart," Vanir muttered.
"Wait, you stole my socks?" Kazuma blurted.
Vanir sighed. "Yes, that is what moi said. Do not ask where they are: moi knows perfectly well what thou did with thine sole coverings, and burned the lot of them. Moi would say he hopes thou does not sully Wiz's gifts in such a manner, but, having known thee for a lifetime, moi knows perfectly well thou has been spilling thy seed into them nightly."
Kazuma blushed and swallowed, but managed to stammer out, "Why do you say you know me?"
"Because; moi is an immortal trickster untouched by time, and unlike mortals recalls perfectly well all moi's past and future lives. Which is why moi seeks oblivion: it's quite a bother. Unlike foolish goddesses, moi cannot simply purge moi's mind of troublesome thoughts. Now, boy, does thee wish to fulfill thy heart's desire, or will thou simply stumble to thine death again with only having taken footwear as a lover?"
"Um, look, I don't appreciate you taking my socks, but if you'll help me fulfill my heart's desire and get rich, I'm in. Though, ah, you should probably help out Wiz too. Kinda sucks she works so hard but stays so poor," Kazuma said, glancing at the hamper of food in Vanir's hand. "Maybe she should open a restaurant or something. She's pretty good at cooking."
"If dearest Wiz were to open a dining establishment, it would be shuttered in three months time, as she would feed every passerby who appeared the slightest bit peckish for free, then hunt up orphans and widows to feed for a pittance. Moi knows: it has happened before," Vanir informed Kazuma. "No, if thou wishes to fulfill thy deepest desires, boy, then take heed to my words. Thou must fulfill mine own wishes and acquire a series of items. If thou does so, moi will help thee attain the treasure thou desires."
"Is...is it a valuable treasure? Would it help me get out of debt?" Kazuma asked, his fingers twitching slightly.
"It will ensure that thine dwelling is filled with what will bring thee joy," Vanir promised. "And that thou shall rest content at last, O man who knows not his own mind."
"Well, OK. I don't normally trust demons, but if Wiz vouches for you, I suppose it can't be all that bad," Kazuma agreed reluctantly. "What is it you want me to get?"
"Ah, nothing much. For my plan to succeed, moi merely needs a few simple implements. First, moi requires the Essence of Life, attained from the tears of a Goddess."
Kazuma smirked at that. "That doesn't sound so hard. Aqua cries all the time."
"Ah, moi should mention: Tears of joy. These can only be attained when the goddess in question is most content with life, and has no worries, nor cares. They must be tears of joy."
"Oh. Um, that sounds a lot harder," Kazuma admitted, scratching at his head. "You know how I can get those?"
Vanir gave Kazuma an incredulous look. "If moi was able to attain these ingredients, why would you be necessary?"
"Oh. Fair point. Well, I guess unimaginable wealth would be hard to get," Kazuma admitted, rubbing his chin. "Alright, thanks. You, um, want that basket?"
"No. Take it, boy who appetites control him. But do remember to return the vessel to dear Wiz."
Heading back to Axel, Kazuma wracked his brain on how to make Aqua happy enough to cry tears of joy. He didn't know how he'd manage that, honestly. She was pretty easy to make happy or sad, but getting her to cry from happiness? Kazuma wasn't quite sure. Absently, he reached into the basket and popped a spice cake into his mouth. Then he considered. If there was one thing that Aqua's little hedonistic heart would love, it was quality cooking. Perhaps there might be a way after all.
"Oh, welcome back!" Wiz called, smiling happily as Kazuma entered the shop. "Did you find Vanir?"
"Yeah, and he said he could help us both fulfil our deepest desires!" Kazuma cried, hurrying up to the counter.
Wiz's eyes went wide. "H-he did? Y-you mean-"
"Yeah, we're both going to be rich!" Kazuma laughed, taking Wiz by the hands eagerly. They were a bit cold, but he didn't mind too much. "All we have to do is get Aqua to cry!"
"Oh." For someone who had just been told she was about to be fabulously wealthy, Wiz looked slightly crestfallen for a moment, but she quickly rallied. "Well, I suppose if I'm wealthy then...anyway. Getting Aqua to cry shouldn't be too hard, right?"
Realizing he was still holding Wiz's hands in his, Kazuma quickly backed off, blushing slightly. He didn't want Wiz to get any ideas about him. Especially not when she knew about his special order. He was not going to screw this up by perving on Wiz, no matter how attractive she was. "Well, the thing is, they have to be tears of joy. She cries all the time, but not because she's happy."
"I see. That is a bit harder," Wiz admitted, putting one finger to her chin and tapping. "I don't know that I have anything that can help with that."
"But you do! You're an amazing cook! Aqua's a greedy glutton: we load her up on booze and presents, give her some stickers, maybe a medal, and she'll be crying in no time"! Kazuma swore.
"You...you really think I'm that good of a cook?" Wiz asked, blushing slightly. "I just don't know anymore."
"You're the best cook I've ever seen," Kazuma promised. "Trust me. This will work."
At first, Aqua was skeptical about having Wiz come over to celebrate "Aqua Day" (Kazuma checked with Cecily, a local Axis priest, and it was a real holiday coming up in only a week) but upon trying a sample of Wiz's cooking, she, Megumin, and Darkness were all up for it.
Kazuma even took them out to kill a couple of griffons, as well as tracking down a bunch of other rare ingredients for the feast. He made sure to invite some of the people Aqua liked to hang out with, like Yunyun, Chris, and even that wacko Cecily. He crafted a special trophy with #1 Goddess on it, and prepared several vials.
The plan worked perfectly. Not only did Aqua blubber like a baby when she got her award, but everyone had a great time too. He easily palmed a couple of vials of Aqua's tears, then slipped into the kitchen where Wiz was cleaning up.
"Got 'em," Kazuma declared, holding up the two vials full of Aqua's tears. "Stage one complete! Thanks, Wiz. I never could have done it without you."
"Oh, I mean, I'm glad to cook for my friends! Thanks for including me, it's nice to have friends to be around again," Wiz said, smiling at Kazuma as she washed up.
"Here, let me help. You did a lot of work already," Kazuma said, rolling up his sleeves. He was normally adverse to this sort of thing, but he was in such a good mood he didn't mind. Besides, Wiz smiled at him, and that made him feel pretty good too. After, they even shared a celebratory class of leftover bubbly. He could practically see the money already!
Early the next morning, Kazuma hurried out to Vanir's dungeon, which had undergone a few renovations. New traps had been constructed, along with ominous signs as well as some cryptic messages that hinted at "a treasure like no other" and "true wealth for those who triumph." Vanir himself was at the back of the dungeon, hanging up some dark purple drapes and arranging the mood lighting for the boss room.
"Interesting choice of decor," Kazuma said, looking around with an amused expression.
"Ah, young man who chases wealth as the child reaches for the sun! Hast thou succeeded in thy mission?" Vanir demanded, jumping down from the ladder he'd been on.
"Yep. Two vials of bonafide goddess tears. So. Unimaginable wealth now?" Kazuma asked eagerly.
Vanir studied the vials, then pocketed them. "What, thou thinks that a mere one ingredient is enough to secure thy hearts desire? Oh no! Moi requires more."
"Yeah, I figured," Kazuma sighed. That would have been too easy. "What else?"
"Thou must obtain the burning feather of a firebird, gathered as it rises from its nest," Vanir informed Kazuma.
"What, like a phoenix or something?" Kazuma asked, scratching at his head. "They got those around here?"
"Indeed. Thou might be able to find a nest not far from Axel, though such a beast is terrible to behold, for it burns all in its wake."
"So, I bring you that and we're squared away?" Kazuma demanded.
Vanir rolled his eyes behind his mask. "We shall see, O foolish boy. Thou did well in obtaining the tears, but more is still needed. Seek Wiz's counsel once more. She may know of how to obtain what it is you seek."
With the allure of treasure singing it's siren call, Kazuma wasted no time in hurrying back to Wiz's shop and informing her about the firebird's feather.
"A firebird? Well, I think I might be able to locate one, but they're dangerous, and if you went after one, you could get hurt," Wiz said worriedly. "You need powerful ice magics to hope to defeat one."
"Dang. Megumin know's Icy Gale, but that's it. You know any powerful ice mages?" Kazuma asked.
Wiz blushed, looking away. "Um, I happen to be one. They used to call me the Ice Witch back when I was an adventurer."
"Really? That's great! I'll let the girls know we're going on a quest with you then!" Kazuma said excitedly.
"Er, are you sure? They wouldn't, you know...be jealous? I'm sure one of them at least would take it ill if her lover suddenly started spending time with another woman, even an undead one," Wiz said nervously.
"Woah, no, it's not like that!" Kazuma cried, waving his hands. "I mean, I'm not, we're not…" He sighed. "None of the girls really feel that way about me. And, well, I'm not really all that interested in any of them if I'm honest. We're just friends?"
A sudden flush crept into Wiz's cheeks. Kazuma figured she must really be into gossip. "Oh! Well, I...then I would be happy to join you! Yes, I'll just check with my contacts, and see if we can locate a firebird!"
All three of Kazuma's companions were thrilled at the prospect of hunting a firebird, Darkness because they were famous for burning and battering adventurers, Megumin because it was a single monster she could get loads of XP for slaying, and Aqua because their feathers were worth a tidy sum. Kazuma decided to hide from her that he was giving one to a demon for a literal deal with the devil to get rich. What Aqua didn't know she couldn't get him into debt over.
Wiz did indeed locate the firebird, a few days' travel from Axel, and the group set out. Having Wiz along was actually pretty fun, though Kazuma did have to lambast Aqua a few times for bullying her.
"But she's undead! An evil abomination! Even if she is a good cook!" Aqua argued.
"Wiz is a sweetheart and you know it! She's the kindest person I've ever met, and the best cook to boot! You really think she deserves being harassed by you!?" Kazuma demanded.
Aqua muttered something and stalked away, sulking due to Kazuma withholding her stickers for her behavior.
"Thank you," Wiz said softly as Kazuma stewed by the campfire. "I...it means a lot to me, that you consider me your friend, even though I really am an undead. Most people...they'd be horrified to learn what I was."
"Hey, anyone as nice as you doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. Aqua just thinks she's special or something. Well, you're a better friend, a better cook, and prettier than her!" Kazuma said loudly.
"NO ONE IS PRETTIER THAN ME, I'M A GODDESS!" Aqua ranted from her tent.
"YEAH WELL YOU ACT LIKE A SPOILED BRAT! BEAUTY COMES FROM THE INSIDE, DUMBASS!" Kazuma shouted back. "PLUS, SHE'S GOT BIGGER BOOBS THAN DARKNESS!"
That last bit made Kazuma worry he'd gone too far, though Darkness moaned softly at the ridicule. Wiz, however, blushed and looked away. The only offended one was Megumin, who glared at Kazuma. "Big boobs don't make a woman beautiful!"
"No, but they don't hurt!" Kazuma growled. "Don't be jealous of Wiz! Do you know what she has to go through? Being undead sucks! She can't even taste that food you enjoyed so much!"
Megumin blinked at that, biting back whatever she'd been about to say.
"I'm certain one day you'll grow into a beautiful young woman, Megumin," Wiz said gently. "You're just young still. You'll find a man, don't worry. I...I wish I could, but...no man wants an undead bride."
"Eh, I think those guys are dumb then. Like I said, you're the prettiest girl here," Kazuma declared. Actually, thinking about Wiz… "I'll be in my tent."
He felt pretty guilty about what he did to Wiz's socks after that, but well, he was in a party, newly grown to four beautiful women. He had to get rich! Then he'd land a girlfriend.
MWHAHAHA! MOI LEAVES YOU IN SUCH DELICIOUS DESPAIR! YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE SO EASILY OBTAINED DID YOU, O READER WHO SEEKS TO SATISFY THEIR PASSIONS? HA! MOI SHALL LEAVE YOU UNSATISFIED, WHILE MOI IS SATIATED BY THY DESPAIR!