Perpetually Impoverished
The fight with the firebird turned out to be laughably easy. The hardest part was successfully Stealing a still burning feather before Megumin nuked the bird after Wiz weakened it with her ice magic. Kazuma hid the feather in a special satchel, rubbing his hands in glee. That treasure would be his in no time!
On the way back, Wiz invited Kazuma for a walk, and the two of them enjoyed an evening stroll. They talked about what they'd do with the treasure once Vanir gave it to them.
"I'd like to settle down and have a family, but maybe I'll just open a restaurant," Wiz sighed. "I can't have children, and any man I married would eventually age and die. I don't know if I could stand that."
"Hey, maybe I'll invest in your restaurant! Heck, I'd be your best customer!" Kazuma laughed, but then he sobered, his eyes losing focus as he thought about the future. "I hope once I'm rich a few more girls are interested in me. I'd like to find a girlfriend, maybe finally stop being a virgin NEET. Settle down, be respectable, you know?"
"I...yes. May you find a woman who will treasure you, Kazuma," Wiz said, and for a moment her eyes shimmered, and Kazuma thought she might start crying for some reason. Then she changed the subject to the sorts of things she could buy for her shop with enough money. Her ideas were odd, but Kazuma laughed and encouraged her. He offered some suggestions on items he remembered from Japan, and soon he and Wiz agreed that he could invent products and she'd sell them for him. There was no such thing as too rich, after all.
When they returned, Kazuma trekked out to Vanir's dungeon, his feet light. As he got closer though, he frowned. Sure, he could enjoy his wealth, but poor Wiz would be stuck as an undead still. It really sounded miserable, being in pain, not being able to eat, and no sex! Sheesh.
He made his way through the traps, which were still disarmed and fairly obvious, back to where Vanir was now constructing some sort of stage with the help of dozens of little copies of himself.
"Hey, got that last item," Kazuma called, and the demon set down his hammer and saw what it was Kazuma had.
Vanir took the feather, examining Kazuma closely. "Art thou well, O boy who spills his seed in footwear?"
"Hey! That's private!" Kazuma snapped. "And I'm fine! What else do you need?"
"Oh, this and that. But first, tell moi of your troubles. Your emotions are cloudy, muddied, and moi struggles to read you," Vanir said, bending over and peering into Kazuma's face.
"I...well, look. This treasure, it sounds pretty great. But I was thinking...maybe we could do something for Wiz before we kill you and I get your stuff? I mean, she's stuck as an undead. She won't be able to enjoy her share of the money."
"Oh ho! So, thou hast fallen for dear Wiz then?"
"No! I just, Wiz is a friend, OK? And I want her to be happy, see? So can we do anything or not?"
Vanir chuckled darkly. "Oh, moi shall see to it. It seems moi has all that moi requires. Assemble your party, O foolish boy. See to it that Wiz accompanies you along with the lackadaisical goddess. Bring whoever else you wish. This shall be moi's grandest triumph! At last, a proper death!"
"You are weird," Kazuma sighed. "But I'll do it. And I'll get the treasure, right? This isn't just some wild snipe hunt?"
"Oh no, the treasure is quite real," Vanir informed Kazuma. He walked over to the stage, snapping his fingers. A group of a dozen of his mini-mes came out of a side chamber, bearing a heavy iron bound chest. They set it before Vanir, who kicked it open with his boot. Inside lay a wealth of coins, gems, and precious metals. "It is all here. And it shall all be thine, if thou so wishes."
"Oh, I wish," Kazuma declared, salivating at the sight of the treasure. He wiped at his mouth. "Right. When will you be ready for us?"
"Three days hence. Do try to impress. Moi has worked ever so hard on this dungeon. It would be a disappointment if thou died before even reaching me."
"Hey, I got through your traps easy enough. It ain't so bad," Kazuma said with a shrug."
"Ah. But this is when they are inactive," Vanir said with a wave. "Ta-ta!"
Kazuma took his time leaving, carefully noting where each of the traps lay. Then, he hurried back to Wiz's shop, practically skipping as he went. He'd get rich, and he'd help out Wiz! Who said good deeds didn't go unpunished? Kazuma would realize his dream of lazing around with a cute girlfriend, and Wiz could be rich and alive again, and be able to live a little.
"Great news Wiz, Vanir says everything's ready!" he called as he strode into the shop. It was, as usual, empty, though Wiz was busying herself dusting and keeping the shelves tidy.
"It is? Oh." Instead of looking happy, Wiz's expression fell, her shoulder's slumping as her duster fell idle.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Kazuma asked, hurrying over to her. He put an arm on Wiz's, and she suddenly leaned on him. She was shockingly light for her size, which Kazuma figured was a result of her undead nature. Awkwardly, Kazuma have Wiz a sort of side hug, patting her on the back.
Wiz tried to smile, but tears filled her eyes. "I just...Vanir's my oldest and only friend. I know what this means: he's ready to die. I...I'm glad he'll get the rest he deserves, but...but…"
"Hey, it's OK, I'll be your friend," Kazuma told Wiz, her cold skin feeling strangely exhilarating under his touch. "I, um, well, I know I'm a lot younger than you are, but-"
"I'm twenty!" Wiz suddenly said, her face flushing with indignity. "That's how old I was when I died, and that's how old I'll always be! Which means it's perfectly normal that a woman my age hasn't found a husband yet!"
"Er, right. But, um, you know, some guys are into older women," Kazuma pointed out. That made Wiz and him both blush, so he hurried on. "But look. I'll make you a promise: Either we'll find a way to bring you back to life, or, well, maybe I could become a lich too? I mean, it can't be all bad, right?"
"Oh, Kazuma. That's...that's sweet." Wiz tenderly touched Kazuma's right check with one hand, then gave him a tender kiss on the other. "But I wouldn't inflict this on my worst enemy. And especially not...well, not a friend like you. I don't think there is a way for me to return to life. And...well, once the Devil King is defeated, maybe I'll ask Aqua to purify me and send me on. As long as there are Adventurers like you, the world will be protected, and innocent lives kept safe."
"Hey, don't talk like that," Kazuma growled, and realized he was squeezing Wiz. He let up, but for some reason she looked slightly disappointed. "We'll find a way to help you out, OK? I'm not letting you commit suicide like Vanir. I mean, I wouldn't help him, but, well, he sort of did ask. Plus, we'll get rich! You should see the treasure! Now, come on. We'll go convince the girls and get the treasure ourselves!"
The hardest part of convincing Kazuma's party proved to be not having them immediately depart to raid Vanir's dungeon when the information that it not only contained a massive amount of treasure, but a strong foe, painful traps, and probable loads of XP. Kazuma made up a story about needing time to "prepare his adventuring gear" which made Megumin suspicious, but she was willing to wait if it meant she would get treasure and XP.
"Trust me, I've scounted this place. You won't believe how much loot and XP we'll get from there," Kazuma swore. "Only catch is, Wiz is coming, and I don't want to hear any whining."
"I'll bring snacks!" Wiz told everyone happily, and any complaints died at the mention of more delectable cooking.
And so, on the appointed day, Kazuma rallied his party, and they set forth. Aqua even managed to be pleasant to Wiz, especially when she heard that Wiz had made giant crab rangoon and fresh coleslaw, along with peach wine. Unfortunately, Wiz had brought so much food that the entire party ended up half comatose and had to take an hour long nap to sleep off the rather strong peach wine. Kazuma felt a bit guilty as Wiz couldn't sleep or eat, but she seemed content to wait, promising to keep an eye out.
After a couple of hours, Kazuma shook the snoring Aqua awake, and the group ventured forth into the dungeon.
"I shall take the lead! These traps shall be no match for me!" Darkness declared, rushing forward.
"Darkness, no, wait they-"
But it was too late. The first trap sprung as Darkness stepped on a tile that gave an ominous click. She spun to face the danger, eyes gleaming, a luminescent blush of anticipation on her face, as a feather pillow smacked softly into her head from the ceiling.
Blinking, Darkness stood there, looking disappointed and baffled. "Is...is that it?"
Carefully, Kazuma approached the trap, examining the tile Darkness was on, then the hole the pillow had fallen out of. "Um, yeah. Looks like that's it. Seems the dungeon boss forgot to reset this one with something deadly."
"You mean the others are dangerous?!" and before Kazuma could stop her, Darkness eagerly ran forward. This time, there was a hiss as she stumbled over a tripwire, and three darts shot out, slamming into her armor. She let out a moan, then a confused grunt.
The three bright orange darts quivered slightly as their suction tips clung to Darkness's armor. Skeptically, she picked one off, holding up the Nerf projectile. "This...this cannot satisfy me at all! I demand a suitable trap!"
Kazuma could only watch as an increasingly pent up and frustrated Darkness triggered trap after trap. She was sprayed with rose scented water, shot with a few bean bags, and nearly impaled on some floppy pool noodles. She ended up whimpering in despair as the last line of traps triggered an eruption of confetti accompanied by several noise makers. A banner dropped with brightly painted words on it:
"Congratulations! You made it to the boss room!"
"What!?" Megumin gasped. "No monsters to fight first? But...but how am I supposed to earn experience!? These traps aren't even worth any XP for overcoming, they're not real!"
"Who cares, we still get treasure!" Aqua cried eagerly. "And there's a boss to fight still!"
However, upon entering, they found only a casket with Vanir's black and white mask in it and a pile of dirt, along with a bouquet of wilting roses and a note. Megumin seized the note, her eyes racing back and forth as she read.
"If you are reading this, then I am already dead. The foolish Adventurer who seeks wealth beyond measure as his own treasure supplied me with the holy tears of a goddess, which I drank, killing me instantly."
Aqua dug around in the dirt, finding an empty glass vial.
"THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!" Megumin snarled, tossing the note down and stomping on it in a fury. "There's no boss monsters, no minions, which means no XP! How am I supposed to make my Explosion magic stronger now!?"
"Meh, whatever, there's still treasure!" Aqua laughed, skipping over to the giant wooden chest. She eagerly flung it open, only to freeze. Inside was a collection of rocks, leaves, and sticks. On top was a note, which Aqua took up, her hands trembling.
"You should really check next time to see if the treasure isn't just an illusion," Aqua read slowly. She blinked, tears forming in her eyes. "But...but then… the Boss is already dead, and the treasure was fake!" She sank to her knees, sobbing.
"What!? But he promised!" Kazuma wailed, running up and digging through the rubbish. After a bit of digging, he felt something warm, and pulled out a glowing glass vial filled with a red fluid. Aqua continued to ball, while Megumin had lit Vanir's coffin on fire. Darkness was curled up into a ball, groaning about how she needed some release.
"What is it?" Wiz asked, hurrying forward.
"I dunno," Kazuma said. He flipped the bottle over, finding a note taped to the back.
Dear Adventurer;
Well done! Moi can practically taste the despaire of thy companions now! Ah, how sweet moi's victory! As promised, here is what your heart truly desires. This is a potion of True Resurrection, made from the tears of the Goddess, a Phoenix Down, and 2,500,000,000 eris worth of gold! You can, of course, sell it on the secondary market for a significant amount. Or, perhaps, you could actually attain what thy truest wish is.
Vanir, Duke of Hell, and General of the Demon King
PS: Wiz never wished to be wealthy, fool. She's an immortal immensely powerful lich! If she desired wealth, she wouldn't open a shop, she'd raid the royal treasury.
"What the heck?" Kazuma muttered. "A potion of True Resurrection?! Aqua can do that for us! I guess we can sell it…"
"Huh?" Aqua looked up, wiping at her eyes. "No I can't. I can only perform regular resurrections. True Resurrection lets you bring anything back to life, no matter how long it's been dead."
"A-anything?" Wiz asked, looking hungrily at the potion. Then she looked to Kazuma, and bit her lip. "W-well, I guess um, I guess you got your wish, Kazuma. W-we can be rich now."
"Wait, hold up. Anything can be brought back to life with this?" Kazuma asked. Aqua nodded, and Kazuma swallowed. Two and a half billion. That would clear his debt, and then some. But…
He held the potion out to Wiz. "You...you take it, Wiz. This could bring you back to life. That...that's worth more than just some money. Besides, I can find another way to get out of debt. But I don't think we'll find another way to return you back to life."
"I...Kazuma, you know you could sell this for at least a billion eris, right?" Wiz whispered, staring at the potion that Kazuma was holding up.
Aqua perked up at that, standing slowly. But then, she did something Kazuma didn't expect. "Wiz...you were a good person, when you were alive. I think...I think we could be friends if you came back to life. You should take it."
"You mean it?" Wiz asked, her eyes sparkling with tears. Both Kazuma and Aqua nodded, holding out the vial. Taking a deep breath (which she didn't need) Wiz slowly reached out and took it. She removed the glass stopper, putting it to her lips, and drinking. She suddenly gasped as her whole body began to glow. A moment later, she vanished into nothingness.
"WHAT?!" Kazuma roared, a sense of true and utter despair filling him. "WHERE'D SHE GO!?
"She's gone!" Aqua gasped. Shen she growled. "THAT DAMN VANIR! HE TRICKED US ALL!"
"Mwahahahahah! What delicious despair fills this room! Truly, thou art pathetic, mortals!"
Everyone gasped and looked about, Darkness sitting up from her fetal position, Megumin ending her rant, and stared as Vanir descended from the ceiling on a platform with a gleaming bronze railing.
"Behold! Moi has slain even Wiz, trampling this foolish boy's aspirations of finding wealth or love once and for all!" Vanir decreed. "I have prevented the Crusader from fulfilling her lusts, denied the Arch Wizard of experience, and prevented the goddess from-"
"GOD BLOW!" Aqua roared, dashing towards Vanir, her fist crackling with energy. "WIZ WAS A GOOD PERSON, AND YOU TRICKED HER! WITNESS THE FURY OF A GODDESS SCORNED!"
Aqua's blow knocked Vanir flying, cracking his mask, and the rest of the party leapt to the attack. Kazuma fired off a barrage of arrows, screaming in rage that Vanir had betrayed him, and Wiz. Megumin fired off every Intermediate Magic spell under the sun, and Darkness was so angry she didn't even try to get smacked around, instead pummeling Vanir with her sword. Aqua finished it all off with a Greater Sacred Exorcism, and this time, there really was nothing left but a cracked and shattered mask, and a pile of smoking earth.
"Is he dead? For real this time?" Kazuma demanded, poking at the earth with his boot toe.
"He's dead. I can't sense his demonic presence any more," Aqua confirmed. "We beat him."
"Hmph. Well, at least I got a little XP," Megumin muttered.
Darkness nodded, sheathing her sword. "Indeed. I am still unsatisfied, but at least killing that foul fiend was a little gratifying."
"I'm still poor and in debt; worst dungeon ever. We should have just sold that potion. I actually thought it was real," Aqua grumbled.
"Yeah. I...I can't believe Wiz is gone," Kazuma mumbled, wiping away at the tears leaking down his cheeks. "Come on. Let's go home. We can hold a funeral for her."
The dejected party trooped back to town, feeling utterly despondent. Kazuma didn't know if he could ever forgive himself. Wiz had been something special. Even though her own life was torment, she'd never had anything but smiles for others. A part of Kazuma hurt like a festering wound, and he wondered if he'd been in love with Wiz. She had been the most wonderful person he'd ever met, and he'd never told her how much she meant to him.
"I don't suppose there's anything you can do about Wiz, is there?" Kazuma asked Aqua hopefully.
"No. She'll have gone to Tartarus, the land of the Undead. She wouldn't even pass through Eris's judgement in the Divine Realm. I'm sorry. She's out of my reach forever, Kazuma," Aqua told him sadly. "I should have known a potion of True Resurrection would have just killed a lich."
They all headed back to the mansion, not even feeling like reporting in to the Adventurer's guild with news of the defeat of Vanir, one of the Devil King's own generals. However, when they opened the door, a delicious smell greeted them.
"What's that?" Aqua asked, sniffing. "Almost smells like…"
"Griffon Meat and Gravy Pies!" Kazuma gasped. "Wiz!"
He dashed through the empty manor and burst into the kitchen, where he found a series of bubbling pots and a lit stove. Standing there in an apron was Wiz, who upon seeing Kazuma, let out a cry, dropped her soup spoon, and flung herself into Kazuma's arms.
"It worked!" she wepted, squeezing Kazuma tightly. "I'm alive again, can't you feel it!"
Kazuma could indeed feel Wiz's warm skin, which was pressed up against his rather closely. He thought he could even feel her heartbeat, though that might just be his own thundering in his chest.
"You...you're alive!?" Kazuma cried, drawing back to look into Wiz's sparkling brown eyes. "But how?!"
"Why, the potion! As soon as I drank it, I found myself back in my room where I keep my phylactery! When I opened it, it was empty! I've been completely restored to life!" Wiz explained happily. She gasped, her hands going to her mouth. "Oh! Did you think-"
"We thought you were dead," Kazuma whispered, drawing Wiz back into a hug as his eyes stung. "I...I thought I'd killed one of my best friends. It's...it's so good to see you!"
"I made dinner for everyone!" Wiz explained as the others crowded around, all laughing and crying. "Oh, I'm so sorry I upset you! Please, I'm so happy we can eat together at last! I did eat a little, I was very hungry at first, but this will be my first real meal in decades!"
They all sat down to a feast, with plenty of delicious soup, bread, pies, puddings, and fine wines to drink. It was a grand celebration, with everyone laughing and talking together. Even Megumin admitted having Wiz alive was better than XP, and Darkness declared that she was in such great pain from eating so much she was entirely satisfied. Aqua, for her part, passed out drunk, a contented smile on her face with two full pages of stickers in her book.
Afterwords, Kazuma helped Wiz clean up, then walked her back home.
"It's...it's really great you're alive again, Wiz," he said as they approached her shop. "I, um, well, I was thinking...maybe we could hang out again some time."
"Oh, I think we will!" Wiz said happily. She opened the door of her shop, then hesitated as Kazuma stood there awkwardly. For a moment, her face changed, and Kazuma was almost frightened as a look of cunning and trickery passed over Wiz's normally sweet features. Then, she was back to normal. "Actually, can you come inside for a moment? I think I have something to thank you for all your help."
"Um, sure. It's kinda late, but, ah-"
"Oh, don't worry, we can be fast if we need to, and I just know you'll enjoy it as much as I will!" Wiz said, and dragged Kazuma inside. She led him into the back room, sitting him on her narrow bed as she disappeared into her closet.
"You know, I'm not going to accept any money or anything. I know you're just as poor as I am," Kazuma called, fiddling nervously with the edge of his cape. He'd never been in a woman's room before. Well, he'd been in the girl's rooms, but that wasn't the same.
"Oh, I know, I don't mind!" Wiz called, her voice slightly muffled. "Really, my dream was always something else."
"Oh? Well, I guess that's good, seeing as I'm worse than broke right now." Kazuma swallowed, sweat breaking out on his brow. "You think you could ever…?" He trailed off, struggling to ask if Wiz could ever love someone like him.
"Ever what? Nevermind. It's time for your reward," Wiz purred.
Kazuma looked up, and whatever had been in his head immediately fled. Wiz had changed out of her robes, and was dressed in stockings, corset, panties, and not much else.
"Um, you, er, you like it, right?" Wiz asked, losing a bit of her allure as she blushed and appeared rather flustered. "I, um, I had this put away, but, I've never worn it before and, um...you like it, right?"
"You...you're beautiful," Kazuma managed to gasp. "What...what were you going to do?"
A coy grin crept back onto Wiz's lips. "Well. I was going to try fulfilling my dream. I always wanted a man. And I think I'm falling for you, Kazuma. Want to find out?"
"Y-yes," Kazuma stammered as Wiz lowered herself into his lap, tugging off his cape. "I...I think I love you."
Kazuma never did make it back to the mansion that night. Or the next day. Wiz was very enthusiastic about rewarding Kazuma, and every time he'd just about gotten dressed and ready to go, she offered him a meal, then herself. By the second evening, they were both exhausted, and passed out Wiz's narrow bed, wrapped around one another.
The second morning, the three girls arrived, banging on the shop door. Kazuma and Wiz quickly got dressed, opening the shop.
"Kazuma, where have you been?!" Aqua demanded. "We're still in debt you know! We need to go on some quests!"
"Oh, sorry, um, I was, er-" he looked to Wiz blushing. "Um, I really should go questing and earn some money."
"I think that's a great idea! Here, you can all have some leftovers to take with you!" Wiz bustled away, and came back with four neatly wrapped bentos. She kissed Kazuma on the cheek, smiling at him. "Have a great day, dear! I'll have dinner ready for you when you get home."
"That's great! I'll make sure to be back as fast as I can," Kazuma promised. He kissed Wiz, a bit more passionately than on the cheek, but she didn't seem to mind and after what they had done it was hardly inappropriate, and then hurried off. He paused, turning to find his three companions eyeing him. "What?"
"Uh-huh," Aqua said, nodding knowingly. "She's alive again, isn't she? Well. Guess that makes sense."
Megumin muttered something under her breath, but Darkness elbowed her. "What she means is, we're very happy for you both."
"Oh, um, thanks. I, er...I think Wiz is my girlfriend now?" Kazuma said, rubbing the back of his hand.
"If that's what you think. Let me know when you want me to perform the wedding," Aqua told him, then giggled and hurried off. "Now come on! It's time to get a quest!"
Down in hell, Vanir steepled his fingers together, a smug grin on his face. "Oh-ho-ho-ho! The foolish adventure has been lured to his doom! He shall ever be perpetually impoverished now! Especially since dear Wiz shall be presenting him with twin daughters in nine months, give or take a week or two. Ha! Moi's scheme was a success!"
Then Vanir frowled, tapping at his chin. "Save for the fact that moi is very much still alive. That wretched goddess exorcised moi back to hell instead of killing moi! What a bother. Ah, well. Moi shall at the very least torment those poor souls ere long has passed again."
With that, Vanir set about planning his next scheme. This time, he would be teaching his dearest honorary nieces demon summoning, so that Wiz and her entrapped lover could have a baby sitter. They would need one, as Vanir foresaw at least a dozen children in Kazuma's future. He would forever be in debt, struggling to make ends meet as a storekeeper, even if he had better sense than Wiz.
But he'd actually have his heart's fondest desire. Oh well. Vanir supposed Kazuma's children would drive him to despair eventually anyway.
What? This is the end. Why art thou still here, mortal? The tale is told, the end is reached, and Kazuma did achieve his heart's desire. There are no more such nauseating tales to be told. He has bedded the girl who screams of her self import to quiet her own fears, the perverse knight who's lust is matched only by her idiocy, the foolish goddess who allowed herself to be led to her doom, and the fortunate fool who found herself caught in her own trap. And, of course, dearest Wiz.
Moi is not going to conscience a tale where such dreadful things happen to moi.
As for other females, moi sets down the quill and ink for a time. Yes, yes, moi knows many of thou foolish mortals wish for a tale where the friendless girl who has the power to level mountains but not to advocate for herself is befriended by the hapless adventurer. Moi suggests thou go and read Hero of Belzerg. Moi has other matters to attend to for now. Perhaps if thy despair and pleas grow to a fever pitch, one day moi might return and pen another such chapter, but for now moi is quite done with the whole thing. Sweet oblivion has eluded moi's grasp once more. Ah, well, moi has other such tales to tell of the foolish goddess and her companions, which thou can find on the profile of the mortal fool known as Full-Paragon. Ta-ta!