While Kazuma had long grown used to Axel, traveling to the capital city of Belzerg (helpfully also named Belzerg) reminded him just how bizarre this fantasy world was. Most of the architecture looked vaguely Western to Kazuma, but he saw several buildings with a clear Japanese influence to them, much like the Shrines in the Crimson Demon Village, with wooden walls and peaked shingled roofs.
The city itself was paved with smooth stones; white marble paving blocks for the main streets, with cobblestones for the side streets of various hues of brown. The populace looked much the same as Axel, though the Adventurers Kazuma spotted were far better equipped and menacing looking than the ones he was used to.
"The Capital is situated in a high level zone! This is because it was originally settled by the Royal Family of Belzerg, the Belzergs!" Aqua explained helpfully as their carriage traveled up the paved street towards the castle at the center of the city. "That means that these aren't just the run of the mill low level jerks we see in Axel. These are real Adventurers!"
"Fah, they are but pathetic weaklings compared to the Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan!" Megumin bragged, adjusting her newly made eyepatch, the golden embroidery along the edge gleaming in the early morning light. "Why, even a child of the Crimson Demon Clan is mightier than these!"
Considering that Megumin's little sister Komekko had been the one to deal the killing blow to Sylvia the Flesh Shaper, Kazuma was inclined to think that maybe Megumin wasn't exaggerating as much as it appeared on the surface. Even if her sister was a kill stealing little gremlin.
"Now, everyone, you must be on your best behavior," Darkness said, nervously adjusting her gown. Instead of her armor, she had on a yellow evening gown, with her hair done up in fancy tresses. Aqua was wearing her usual ensemble, but Megumin had bought a fresh new robe and hat for the occasion, which were even more ostentatious eyesores than usual. "We are to meet with Princess Iris before the royal court, an esteemed privilege. Do not try any of your perverted antics upon her, Kazuma."
"Hey, you three just behave yourselves," Kazuma warned. "Or I'll tell Becky on you, Darkness."
That made the crusader blush, but she shook her head. "I am serious. Iris is my cousin; my mother is her father's youngest sister. She is a kind child, but rather sheltered and impressionable. She has a great deal of responsibilities with Jatis and Uncle Melark out in the field all the time."
"Pff, what do I care about a bunch of jumped up fops?" Kazuma demanded as they rolled through the palace gates, the guards saluting. "Nobles are always a worthless bunch of corrupt morons, like Alderp."
Darkness flushed at that description, which made Kazuma wince. They had agreed they were just friends, but still…
"Um, present company excluded," Kazuma hastily added.
"Ha, you are a fool! Perhaps nobles behave in such a manner where you are from, Kazutrash, but in Belzerg, only the mighty rule!" Megumin cackled.
Before Kazuma could demand what that meant, a footman stepped up and opened the door. Megumin and Aqua both competed to see who could be the first out, prompting Kazuma to roll his eyes.
"If you show good manners, there's a sticker," he said in a singsong voice.
Aqua paused, then sighed and let Megumin jump out to pose and loudly introduce herself, much to the embarrassment of the waiting herald.
"BEHOLD, I AM MEGUMIN, FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN AND SHE WHO HAS MASTERED EXPLOSION AND THE LESSER INTERMEDIATE MAGIC, AS WELL AS DEFEATED THREE DEVIL KING GENERALS AND VANQUISHED THE MIGHTY DESTROYER!"
"Ah, presenting the Lady Lalatina Dustiness and party," the herald managed once they were all out, though he was much less impressive than Megumin had been.
They were shown into a chamber to refresh themselves, which mostly consisted of Darkness fretting about and directing servants to dust off their clothes and pat everyone's hair, much to Kazuma's annoyance.
"We're fine! Look, the princess is your cousin or whatever, right? So it'll be family, all casual, you know?" Kazuma said with a shrug.
Darkness moaned and put her head in her hands, while Megumin and Aqua tossed grapes into each other's mouths from a bowl of fruit, occasionally having to jump to get them. Megumin overdid it, and Aqua leapt into a table with a vase on it, sending it toppling to the ground with a loud crash.
"What is the meaning of this?" a brisk voice demanded as a woman in a white suit with a sword at her hip strode into the room. "You are supposed to be preparing yourselves for your Royal Audience with her Highness."
"Relax, Suit," Kazuma said, going over and helping the sniveling Aqua up. "We'll just blow dry her. Gust! Kindle!"
By holding a flickering flame in front of his wind spell, Kazuma was able to blast Aqua with air, and in a moment she and her clothes were thoroughly dried off, though her hair had poofed up something fierce.
"S-sorry about the vase, I'll fix it," Aqua promised. "I'm super good at repairs. I'll use the ancient art of Kintsugi!"
"That vase belonged to Her Grace Queen Anne Spiked Mace Belzerg," the Suit said in frosty tones. She turned to Darkness, who was frantically trying to sweep up the pieces, but failing spectacularly in her bulky dress. "Tina, control them!"
"Hey, how dare you talk to Darkness that way! She's a high mucky-muck and the Princess' cousin!" Kazuma snapped, going up to poke the servant in her chest. She had short blonde hair with a dyed purple fringe that obscured one eye, and seemed surprisingly fit for a butler or whatever she was.
"K-kazuma!" Darkness gasped, dropping the broom she had with a clatter.
"Boy, I do not have time for you to-" the Suit began, but Kazuma poked her boobs again. They were surprisingly squishy, and felt like she was binding them at least a little despite their already impressive size.
"And another thing! I'm a big deal, AND the party leader! So it's MISTER Kazuma Sato to you, not boy! I'm best friends with Darkness and that makes me-"
"-a fool who does not know his place. Tina, if you cannot control your party members and teach them proper decorum, I shall. And as you know, I am not a gentle instructor," the Suit said, her hand resting on the hilt of her rapier. It had a gilded handle, and now that Kazuma looked, a giant sapphire carved into the shape of an eagle's beak sat on the pommel. Swanky, for a servant.
"Claire, that is, Lady Symphonia, this is Kazuma Sato, the man I spoke of in my letters," Darkness said breathily, coming up and hastily pushing Kazuma away from Claire.
"What, is she some no account noble that has to work as a servant?" Kazuma asked, reaching out to poke Claire one more time.
This time, the rapier hissed out of its scabbard faster than Kazuma could follow, the tip suddenly pressed lightly against his throat. Even one breath more of pressure, and it would draw blood. Kazuma tried to step back, but the point remained gently pressed against his skin.
"Touch me again, Boy, and I shall relieve you of that finger. I am told your priest is skilled, so she could reattach it, but it would delay your audience. And that would be unacceptable," Claire said, her tones icy.
"Hey, I fixed the vase!" Aqua called, apparently totally unable to read the room. Everyone glanced over at her, and she held up the perfectly repaired porcelain, complete with gold lines where the fractures had been. "Pretty nice, isn't it?"
"I…" Claire blinked, slowly withdrawing her sword from Kazuma's throat and letting him breathe more easily. "That is rather impressive. How did you…"
"Claire," Darkness growled, and she stepped between Kazuma and the other woman. "Kazuma is my guest, and the guest of the Princess. If you fail to treat him kindly, it is I who you shall deal with."
Claire rolled her eyes as she sheathed her blade. "Tina, we both know who won every single one of our bouts as girls. You may enjoy me beating you bloody, but I find it tasteless."
"Since then, I have acquired several more offensive arts. And I am now level 69," Darkness growled. "What level are you again, Claire?"
"That is…well. It is refreshing to see you are not simply wasting time in the countryside and are taking your duties seriously," Claire said, straightening her suit. She glanced around Darkness and eyed Kazuma. "Is he truly to credit for that?"
"Kazuma is a dear friend. Treat him with the same respect you would a scion of my own house, Lady Symphonia," Darkness said seriously.
"Hmm. Very well. Come. It is time. I suppose you are all presentable enough," Claire sniffed, turning to lead them out of the chamber.
"Who shoved a stick up her ass?" Kazuma muttered as he hastily brushed out Aqua's hair as they walked. He had to admit it: Claire did have a nice ass. She wasn't quite as muscular as Darkness was, being built more like a dancer than a brick outhouse. Though much like Darkness and the outhouse, Claire was totally stacked.
"She's a jerk," Aqua muttered. "She didn't even tell me how nice my vase looked!"
"Why, exactly, was she calling Darkness 'Tina?'" Megumin demanded. "This reeks of a mysterious childhood friend. Is she secretly your rival?"
"It's not a secret," Darkness sighed as they hurried down the hallway. "Claire is also the heir of her house. She is one of the most powerful nobles in the kingdom. It's why she's the Princess' bodyguard, and regent."
"That does not explain why she addresses you as her dearest of companions. What secrets lurk in your background, Darkness?" Megumin asked, holding her hat to her head as she jogged alongside the taller woman.
"It is because we are cousins. Tina and I would spend summers at grandmother's country home together. Though for her it was her great aunt," Claire answered, continuing to walk down the hall without turning to look at them.
Darkness flushed, but nodded affirmation. "We would go riding together, and practice archery…"
"As if you could hit the broadside of a barn," Kazuma snorted.
"Tina has several awards for expert marksmanship, and once took a young hippogriff on the wing. I always told her she should have been a Sniper or Ranger since she had no taste for real swordplay," Claire sniffed, pausing beside a large ornate wooden door.
Darkness cringed as all three of her party members turned on her.
"You can do WHAT?! Then why do you flail around with a sword like a maniac!?" Kazuma demanded
"A-ha! This IS the key to your secret backstory!" Megumin said, her eyes shining. "We must interrogate this 'Claire' and discover the secrets of your past with one another!"
"Aw, Darkness, why didn't you help me with that prize at the fair last month!? I really wanted the stuffed animal!" Aqua whined.
"Enough. You have no right to speak to Lady Dustiness so," Claire said, frowning at them.
"They are my party members, Claire," Darkness said in exasperation. "They have more than earned the right."
"Hmph. They are uncouth scoundrels from the sound of things. Do control them, Lalatina, or I shall have words with your father," Claire said, then opened the door. Applause and trumpets flooded out, followed by,
"PRESENTING THE LADY LALATINA FORD DUSTINESS AND HER-"
With a harrumph, Megumin darted forward, then fired off a fireball, a lightning bolt, and fog spell to create a devastating boom, flash of light, and of course, a dramatic setting.
"BEHOLD, I AM MEGUMIN, FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN AND SHE WHO WILL ONE DAY DEFEAT THE DEVIL KING!" Megumin cackled. "PLACES, EVERYONE!"
Aqua jumped out, posing behind Megumin. "BEHOLD, I AM AQUA, FOREMOST ARCHPRIESTESS OF-"
"Do we stop them?" Kazuma asked, glancing over at Claire, who appeared to be ready to have a conniption at the display.
Darkness peered through the fog, then smiled and hiked up her skirts. "No. Join in. With gusto. I suppose this is the sort of humiliation I do enjoy…"
With a shrug, Kazuma leapt out along with Darkness, and they both made their boisterous introductions. As the fog cleared, he got a good look at all the nobles, who were staring at the party, aghast and horrified. Claire looked ready for murder, her hand a white knuckled grip on her sword.
However, one pair of hands began to clap enthusiastically. A young girl in a lacy white gown stood before a gilded wooden chair next to an elaborate throne, cheering and clapping happily. Next to her, a woman in a blue dress with a mage's staff began to clap politely as well. Behind Kazuma, Claire began to reluctantly clap as well, and a few moments later, the applause spread to the rest of the nobility.
"Thank you, Lady Lalatina! We are most pleased to meet you and your party," Princess Iris said, smiling excitedly as the applause died down. "Won't you join me for refreshments?"
Claire coughed. "Ah, your Highness…the ceremony?"
"Oh! Yes, of course. Please, step forward. Let us honor Lady Dustiness and her companions for their brave work in the fight against the Devil King," Iris decreed, raising an ornate sword that Kazuma swore he recognized from somewhere.
The ceremony was mercifully brief, but Kazuma could see the crowd muttering and looking at his party askance. He looked at Claire, expecting to see the same, but she looked angry at the muttering nobles, not Megumin. Halfway through the ceremony, Claire presented Megumin with a medal from Iris, and said,
"We thank you, Daughter of the Crimson Demon Clan, for lending us your power, and sharing with us the rich traditions of your tribe."
Megumin's breast swelled with pride, or at least it tried to.
However, when it came to Darkness, Claire practically stabbed her with the medal, and to Kazuma she seemed disgusted to even be handing it to her. He did overhear Claire whisper,
"From her, I expect it. You, however, know how to comport yourself."
Darkness shuddered slightly at those worlds, but stood up straight as the pin pricked her. Or, well, she probably enjoyed that part.
Afterwards Claire, Iris, and the mage who turned out to be named Rain took the party to a private dining room, where Iris eagerly hugged Darkness. "Lalatina, I have missed you! I was ever so jealous when I heard that you had taken up adventuring! I would petition Father to allow me to go questing, but…someone needs to oversee the government and make sure the capital is secure…"
"It is an honor to serve the throne, your Highness," Darkness said, curtsying.
"Now she behaves," Claire muttered, rolling her eyes.
"Oh, Lalatina, do not stand on formality here! Please, you must tell me of your adventurers!" Iris said eagerly, taking a seat at the table.
"Well, ah, I am not much of a story teller, Iris, you know that," Darkness said, flushing and glancing at Kazuma.
"Well, you see, those papers get our Adventures all wrong," Kazuma said, putting an arm on the table and leaning towards Iris. "Let me tell you what REALLY happened. So, you see, Megumin and I were just minding our own business. She has to get off an Explosion spell daily, or well… it ain't pretty."
"There were no survivors," Megumin said grimly. "I must keep my demon contained."
Said demon was currently snoring in her satchel, who as the story went on Megumin took out, causing Iris to cry out in delight, and the two girls to giggle and play with Chomusuke as Kazuma spun out his story.
About half way through, Rain left, then returned with some snacks and drinks, which she quietly served. Kazuma took a break to eat, with Iris pouting that she "needed to know how that dreadful curse on dearest Lalatina was broken!"
"Don't worry, we'll get to that, but first a man's throat gets parched," Kazuma promised, and he took a sip of wine. "Hey, this is the good stuff!"
"Mmm, more please!" Aqua said happily.
Megumin and Iris grew distracted playing with a bit of twine and the cat, and Kazuma enjoyed his refreshments for a moment. There were some flaky pastries that were simply divine on the tray, and the wine was really good. As he did, Claire stepped up beside him, a glass of wine in her hand, though she took no drinks.
"I have the official report from the incident with Belida on file. At no point did he engage you or Lady Dustiness in an epic duel, summon a dragon that Megumin blew up, or summon forth an army of wights that you led to their doom by trapping them," Claire said, a frown on her mouth.
"Ah come on, I captured the essence of it. Besides, she's having fun, right? Kid seems bored out of her skull, let's have a little fun OK?" Kazuma said, flashing Claire a grin.
She grimaced. "She is the princess. Do not delude her. Adventuring is a far grimmer business than you make it out to be."
"Will you relax? It's a story to make her smile. Just look at that!" Kazuma pointed to Iris, who was laughing as Chomusuke batted at the string. "That's a precious smile, isn't it? It's worth a little exaggeration for that smile."
Claire looked a little wistful for a moment, one hand going to her breast. Then she shook herself. "Do not overstep your boundaries, Master Sato. You are Tina's companion, but that does not give you license to presume upon the royal person."
"Oh please. She's like the kid sister I never had! Grow up, I've got three beautiful women in my party to see to my needs, I don't need a loli!" Kazuma did not add that all three of those women were completely nucking futs, or that Megumin appeared to be batting for the other team if the kiss she'd shared with Yunyun after they'd killed Sylvia was any indication.
Claire gave Kazuma a disgusted look. "I cannot believe that even Tina would abide her lover cheating on her. And from her letters, it is this 'Becky' that her heart belongs to, not you. Do not brag about that which you have not tasted, Boy."
Kazuma flushed, but pressed on. "Yeah? And I suppose the boys are just lining up to get with YOU, miss uptight!"
"Please. As the heir to house Synphonia, I have publicly declared that only a man who can best me in single combat is worthy to become my consort. And for now, I must focus on serving her majesty. Both Tina and I understand that duty must come before we settle down and start families," Claire said with a sniff.
"So in other words, you're a blushing virgin who hasn't even had her first kiss," Kazuma said smugly.
That made Claire flush, not with embarrassment, but anger. "My romantic affairs are none of your concern, Sato. Just mind yourself around the princess. And I will consent not to kill you."
Kazuma stuck his tongue out, then turned back to Iris. "Well, I think I should continue the story…well, after that Curse, we knew we had no choice but to lure Belida out, and so it was up to Megumin and her Explosions…"
After the story, Aqua got out a deck of cards and did some magic tricks for Iris, which utterly delighted the princess.
"Thank you! We have so little entertainment here at court!" Iris laughed, clapping. "I have rarely seen such wonderful tricks!"
"Don't nobles have all sorts of idle pleasures and stuff?" Kazuma asked. "You're all rich, so that's what you spend your money on."
"How dare you presume the princess is so frivolous!" Claire snapped, slamming her still full winecup down on the table. Had she even taken a sip this whole time?
"Yeah? Well I bet you're the killjoy who won't let her have even a bit of fun!" Kazuma barked back.
"That is…not the case," Iris said, looking down. "The truth is…the Kingdom of Belzerg is in dire financial straits. I should welcome you all with a royal ball and banquet…but we lack the resources for such things. I must steward the Crown's money carefully. Lady Claire and Lady Rain help me with that, but, well…if I am not willing to sacrifice, how can I expect others to do so?"
Kazuma blinked then glanced at Claire, who sneered at him. "Um, sorry, Princess. Look, I know how to make some games…I can teach you how to play a few. Aqua can help, she's really good at arts and crafts."
"Games? Of course I can help make some of those!" Aqua said eagerly.
"Oh, would you? I do not wish to take up your time…I know you are desperately needed on the front lines, if you have defeated so many generals," Iris said, but she looked hopefully at Kazuma.
"Ah, we've killed three generals. Can't be that many left, right? We need to relax! And a few weeks at the palace is just the way to do it!" Kazuma declared. Then he winked at Iris. "Plus, I can tell you some more stories! I haven't even told you about the time we fought a Beginner's Bane and a whole crowd of goblins…"
"Oh, yes! Claire, please let our steward know that Mr. Sato and his companions shall be staying with us for a fortnight!" Iris said eagerly.
"It will be as you say, your Highness," Claire said. She didn't curtsy, but rather bowed. She did shoot Kazuma a look full of venom though, and it was his turn to smirk at her.
Over the next few days, Kazuma set about making some board games he was familiar with. He didn't bother with the classics like Chess or Go, he'd seen those around before. No, instead, he went straight for the good stuff: European Board Games! He skipped past boring stuff like Monopoly and Risk, and started off with the Classics like Settlers of Catan and Dominion, but he had Aqua brewing up a set of Twilight Imperium for when they had a spare weekend.
The only problem was, Kazuma would win the first round of a game, only for in future sessions Iris to utterly thrash him.
"Ah, I see you have attempted to steal from me, Mr. Sato…but little did you know I already hold the Knight card! Now the Robber shall shut off your kingdom's supply of sheep, thus ruining your maritime prospects and securing me the victory!" Iris giggled one game.
"This is a waste of her highness' time," Claire complained. "She should be studying, or overseeing reports, or training with me."
"Oh relax you stuffed Suit," Kazuma said with a snort. "We get to play one game in the evenings. Why don't you shut up and sit down and play with us? You can take over for Aqua, she always loses anyway."
"What!? I do not!" Aqua whined.
"Aqua, you've lost every single game we've played. What are you even doing over there?" Megumin demanded.
"I was trying to make a mosaic with my cards," Aqua grumbled, but handed them over to Claire.
"Hmph. I shall ensure your victory, your Highness," Claire vowed, taking up the cards.
"Oh no, Claire! We are rival kingdoms! As such, you must impede me at every turn," Iris said seriously. Then she turned to Kazuma. "Now, continue this charming story of your defeat of the orc warrioresses. I have heard they are most…what was the word? Rapacious?"
"Yes!" Claire said hastily. "They are known to be thieves."
"Er, yeah," Kazuma agreed. "Anyway, you see, I'd been kidnapped by the orcs due to being exhausted from my battle with the One Punch Bears. So, Yunyun, Megumin's friend-"
"Rival," Megumin corrected, though she blushed lightly.
"Lover!" Aqua said brightly, from where she was working on the next board game. "Congratulations!"
"That is not- How did you?! WE ARE RIVALS!" Megumin huffed.
Iris turned to Megumin and asked innocently, "Is that not what Crimson Demons call their betrothed?"
Megumin tried to hide under her hat, and Claire coughed. "Perhaps for once, the story should continue."
Kazuma continued his story while they played, with Iris laughing and smiling the entire time. Aqua and Darkness ended up going out with Rain for drinks, while Megumin and Iris both ended up falling asleep after another round of the game. Kazuma carried Megumin to Iris' bed, and glared at Claire.
She sighed and put the princess to bed herself. "Well, I suppose it is fine. They are becoming fast friends. It is…good to see Her Highness make a friend with a girl near her age."
"Yeah, Megumin's a good kid," Kazuma said, feeling a lump in his throat. Had Megumin and Yunyun…? He didn't really want to think about it. "I'm for a nightcap. What about you, Suit? Too uptight to drink with me?"
"Perhaps just one glass," Claire agreed reluctantly. They went to her chambers, adjoining Iris'. The rooms were still quite lavish and large, though not quite as much as the royal suite.
"You know, you could stand to relax and not be such an uptight bitch every once in a while," Kazuma said, taking a bottle from Claire's wall and popping the cork without permission.
"And you could stand to treat her highness with more respect!" Claire snapped. "She is not your younger sister, and your wild tales are inappropriate. Orcs!? Were you going to claim they ravished you and you fathered an entire generation of those monsters!?"
"Oh piss off! And for your information, no. I'm not that stupid! I'm just glad Yunyun got there before they could," Kazuma grumbled. He set the bottle down on a small table, sinking into one of the comfortable chairs near the fireplace.
"Hmph. For one who supposedly slew so many generals, you seem rather weak. An Adventurer? That's barely a class," Claire sneered, taking a sip of her wine.
"Oh yeah!? And how many generals have YOU beat, Suit?" Kazuma demanded, flushing. Sure, Aqua had done for Hans and Beldia, and Komekko had killed Sylvia, but dammit Kazuma had been there and it had been his plans and party!
"I have faced plenty of monsters in my time, but my duty is to the Princess," Claire said icily. She took another sip and started to flush. "It is extremely rude of you to barge in on her and demand the princess' affections! If you did not make her smile, I would strike you down for such insolence!"
"Oh please, I bet I could take you in a fight no problem, Suit," Kazuma laughed, sipping his own wine. "You're some hoity-toity noblewoman who's never finished a real quest!"
Claire half choked on her wine, then hastily swallowed the rest. "Lishen here, you upjumped commoner! I'm the *hic* Heir of House Symphonia, and I can *hic* take you right here and now!"
"You're drunk, give it up," Kazuma said, leaning away from Claire.
"I am NOT! I have had…" Claire glanced at her hand and frowned. "One glass!"
"I am not drunk enough for this," Kazuma muttered, and had a second glass himself. He wasn't really used to wine though, and it was going to his head as well. "I don't even like you! Why are we drinking together?"
"Because you make Iris shmile," Claire muttered. Then she stood and drew her sword. "HAVE AT THEE!"
"WHAT THE HELL!" Kazuma gasped, dropping his now empty glass. He barely got out of the way in time, as Claire's rapier skewered the chair behind him easily. He rolled away as Claire spun, pulling her sword free in a smooth motion and slashing for Kazuma's head. This was too much.
"BIND!" Kazuma shouted, throwing a wire out of his sleeve. It wrapped around Claire's body, wrapping her arms to her sides and causing her to topple over.
"W-what ish thish?! Untie me and fight me!" Claire demanded.
"Hmm," Kazuma said, picking up Claire's glass. He poured himself a third glass and sipped at it as she grunted and flopped about. "Only if you ask nicely."
"Why should I?! You're nothing but a thug!" Claire snapped. Then she burst into tears. "So why can you make the Princhessh smile when I can't?"
"Oh, hell," Kazuma grumbled. He canceled the spell on the wire, then helped Claire back up. "Look. You can't just try to murder me."
"Washn't going to. Jusht cut you," Claire sulked, picking up her rapier. She took the glass from Kazuma and polished it off, prompting a gasp of outrage from Kazuma. "Again!"
"Ugh, fine, let's at least clear a space," Kazuma said. He took a pull from the bottle, then another, and helped Claire clear a bit more space.
"I'll have you thish time," Claire growled, taking a fencer's stance across from Kazuma. Her room was big enough that they could stand three meters apart without difficulty now that the furniture was out of the way.
"Yeah? I'll have something elsh," Kazuma slurred, the wine now going to his head.
"What?" Claire asked, frowning as her sword drooped slightly.
In reply, Kazuma extended a hand and shouted "STEAL!" A pair of plain white briefs appeared in his hand. Man. Claire really was boring and uptight.
Claire blinked for a moment, then went red. "CUR!" she darted forward, slashing wildly. She was incredibly fast, and only Kazuma's Dodge skill saved him. He was, however, not done with merely Claire's underwear. "STEAL! STEAL! STEEEAL!"
On the second Steal, Kazuma got Claire's bra, which made her suit nearly lose a button as her chest nearly popped out of it. Then he got her suit pants, causing her to stumble. On the last one, he finally got her rapier, leaving her empty handed.
"Ha!" Kazuma cried, rolling to his feet. He put Claire's bra on his head and grinned at her. "I win."
"RAAGH!" Claire snarled, and tackled Kazuma. To his surprise, she was freakishly strong, and quickly got Kazuma under her, wrestling him to the ground and straddling him.
"I win," she sneered, snatching back her panties. She frowned at them for a moment, as if uncertain what to do.
"Not yet!" Kazuma declared, and drew his knife. He sliced up, shredding all the buttons on Claire's suit, and making it pop open. With that, Claire's full nudity was on display, and Kazuma suddenly realized he had a naked woman mounted on top of him.
"You!" Claire snapped, and tossed aside her panties. She dove down, putting her hands around Kazuma's neck, but that was when his Escape Artist skill activated. He managed to wriggle out of Claire's grasp, even as she clawed at him. Somehow, she tore off his shirt, and as Kazuma flipped her and got on top of Claire, she grabbed his belt and tugged. His trousers fell off, and Kazuma kicked them away in annoyance.
"I hate you," Claire hissed, and grabbed on to Kazuma's manhood. "You took the princess' affections!"
"Back off, bitch, she likes me because I'm FUN!" Kazuma snapped. Even as he did so though, he felt increasingly aroused. He shifted, and Claire's fingers tugged at his underwear. Then it ripped, and Lil' Kazuma popped out, springing forth onto Claire's impressive set of honkers.
She blinked at Kazuma's sudden reveal, then sniggered. "That's your sword?"
"So what if it is?" Kazuma demanded. He reached down and pinched Claire's nipples, which made her suddenly moan. "You like that, huh, you like that?"
"Fuck you!" Claire growled, and grabbed Kazuma. They rolled around on the floor for a bit, and then Claire was on top of Kazuma, grinding against his hips.
"Why do you make Iris smile?" Claire hissed, bearing down on Kazuma. "Why!?"
"Because I'm fun, and you're not, bitch," Kazuma laughed.
"Fuck you," Claire snapped again, leaning down towards Kazuma's face.
"Bitch, I dare you," Kazuma laughed. Then on impulse, he grabbed Claire's face and pressed it to his own, kissing her.
"D-damn you," Claire gasped. Then she grabbed Kazuma's hips, and drove herself down onto him. "Ah! Damn you! Damn you! Damn you!"
The next few minutes were a blur in a haze of alcohol. Kazuma did remember binding Claire at one point and hauling her up onto her bed, then having his way with her. When he released her, she pinned him down on the mattress and mounted him again, swearing all the while. After that, both of them lay in the tangled sheets and passed out, unable to continue on.
When Kazuma came to, he blinked at the sunlight hitting his eyes. He moaned and covered his face, his head pounding. He hadn't been this hungover since that first bender with Aqua… "Why is it so bright…"
Someone moaned next to him, and Kazuma jerked upright. He looked over at Claire, who was just blinking her own eyes open. Then she gasped and sat up, her eyes wide.
"What did you do to me?!" she demanded, grabbing Kazuma and pinning him to the headrest.
"Nothing you didn't do to ME, Suit! It takes two to tango," Kazuma gasped.
Claire went pale. "No. No no no. Not a man. Not YOU. How can I-"
The door swung open, and Claire and Kazuma both turned to look as Iris came in, holding papers in her hand.
"Claire, Father is asking for further arms to be sent. Our own supplies are low, however. Should we petition the dwarven clans, or perhaps see if the Bank of Elroad will-" Iris looked up, and saw Claire leaning over Kazuma, both of them very naked. She gasped, dropping the papers. "I, I'm sorry! I should have-"
Then Iris turned around and fled the room, slamming the door behind her.
Claire sagged, looking mortified. "I'm ruined. I don't even remember…No…I remember…Damn it all! I just wanted to…to…I don't…"
"Well, we're already in the shitter," Kazuma said. He grabbed Claire's waist and pulled her to him. "I fucking hate you, but I at least want to remember when I lost my virginity. You?"
"Fuck you," Claire snarled. Then grabbed Kazuma's manhood and pulled it into herself. They grunted and sweated for a few minutes, both of them cursing the other.
"Never again, you understand?" Claire said, getting off of Kazuma, still dripping with sweat and other fluids. "Never again."
"Damn right," Kazuma agreed. He grimaced. "I need to pee."
"Take your clothes and get out," Claire growled, pointing. "Just leave."
Kazuma did manage to get dressed and slink off to his rooms, where he bathed very thoroughly. He then lay down and took a long nap. As he lay there, he contemplated what had just happened. How had he and Claire…? He never wanted that! Sure, Claire had a smoking bod. She looked like every man's wet dream. But her personality? Hell no!
Later, Kazuma found his party, with Aqua sewing in Darkness' rooms, and Megumin writing a letter to Yunyun. "Hey, let's ditch this place. I think it's time we got back to Axel."
"Oh? Did you not say goodbye to the Princess? She is enjoying your company," Darkness said, looking up from where she was doing pushups on the floor."
"Yep, wrote her a letter and everything," Kazuma lied. "Let's go. Right now. You two haven't talked to anyone right?"
"I shall say my goodbyes to Claire and her Highness at least," Darkness said, standing. "But I am ready to depart. I have not had a proper fight in some time, and I, ah, well…I do miss Becky…"
"You've got to introduce me to her some time, I've never met her somehow," Aqua said, standing. "But let's say bye to Iris! I just finished Twilight Imperium. I was hoping we'd get in a game…"
"Some other time," Kazuma said hastily.
"Hmph, you are acting oddly. Well, I shall ask Rain to Teleport us to Axel. Yunyun has returned there and was wondering when we would have our next match," Megumin said. "I shall pack."
It took a couple hours, but at least the party said nervous goodbyes to Iris and Claire, who very firmly did not look at Kazuma, nor he her.
"You are leaving? But, I had thought…" Iris looked back and forth between Kazuma and Claire. "You would be staying with us…"
"Well, duty calls, and there's more Generals of the Devil King out there," Kazuma explained. "So, back to Axel for us. Things to do, you know."
"Well…very well. Farewell to you all. I hope to see you all soon," Iris said. She took Megumin's hand. "Come, let me say goodbye to Chomusuke. Aqua, Lalatina, let us give Claire and Kazuma some privacy."
"What? Why?" Megumin asked, instantly suspicious.
"They have, ah, matters to discuss," Iris said, blushing. "And I would like to pet your dear cat once more."
"I told you, she is no mere cat, but a goddess of Destruction!" Megumin laughed, but they left the room, though Darkness did shoot Kazuma a suspicious look.
When they were alone, both Kazuma and Claire spoke at the same time: "It never happened."
"You were a decent lay I suppose, not bad in the rankings," Kazuma said, examining his nails. "But I've got other girls."
"You were not my first, but for a man I suppose you were fine," Claire said, looking away and folding her hands over her chest.
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Kazuma demanded.
Claire snorted. "Do not lie, you told me you were a virgin. Well I was not. But, you were the first man I have lain with."
"If you've never been with a man before, how…" Kazuma trailed off as Claire looked at him in sheer disgust. "Oh…"
"Considering two of your party members prefer the company of women, I am surprised it took even a dullard like you that long," Claire huffed. "Tell Lalatina good luck with her Becky. If she is wise, she will find a simpleton who will marry her, get her with child, and then she can enjoy the company she prefers."
"Sure, whatever," Kazuma muttered.
"Oh, do not behave that way, Sato. I'm not the first woman you've seen turn to the fairer sex rather than suffer you," Claire sneered.
Kazuma pointed a finger at her. "Fuck you, Suit."
"I already did, Sato. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to regret it," Claire huffed.
Kazuma grabbed her suddenly, and kissed Claire. For a moment, she stood there, shocked, then she briefly put a hand to Kazuma's cheek, and returned the kiss.
Then she kneed him in the groin.
"Never. Again," Claire swore, and stomped off, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, then spitting into a vase.
Kazuma got to his feet, and hobbled out of the palace. What a bitch.