„Would you be so kind to stop thinking about Black in my presence?"
Severus' irritated snarl reached her ears, forcing her to look up from above her half-finished essay. Hermione couldn't say that his words have particularly bothered her, as she got used to his constant displeasure with her relationship. She expected nothing else from him, despite the fact that his behaviour could have been described as incredibly hypocritical. After all, she had never questioned his choice of friends, even though they were much more dangerous than Sirius and threatened her on more than one occasion.
Hermione didn't want to tell Severus about her encounter with Mulciber, but the Slytherin had clearly a different idea. He must have bragged about cornering and humiliating her, as the next day after their meeting in library, Snape requested to see her and, although he hadn't asked any questions, he watched her every move, trying to decipher whether Mulciber had hurt her. His behaviour proved that despite her other friends' doubts, Severus really meant her no harm.
She found it incredibly strange, though. Sure, her intelligence allowed them to connect, quite easily at that, but it hadn't changed her blood status or her views, so contradictory to his own. Hermione didn't want to question him in fear that it might severe even that frail bond they had managed to form, but saying that she didn't wonder would be an obvious lie. She kept telling herself that there might be a time, when having an honest talk with him would be in order, but for now, there were much important things.
Sirius had, undoubtedly, been one of them. Now, that she had everything planned, all of her thoughts circled around revealing her secret to him. She wanted things to be perfect, just so he didn't have any chances of misunderstanding her words or taking them the wrong way. Dumbledore had been right in saying that she had to give her friends more credit, but Hermione wouldn't have been herself if she didn't try to come up with the most plausible and thought-trough solution available.
Unfortunately, her constant fussing over how to make things right did nothing to improve her social skills, even when it came to someone so undemanding in that area as Severus.
"No. Those are my thoughts for a reason, Severus. Don't be so stupid as to claim that you can order me to switch their topics", she said, closing the lid on the chaos swirling in her mind.
"Your expression almost screamed at me, Granger. If you wish for your thoughts to remain yours, you should do much better job at concealing them, instead of staring at the parchment with love-struck, doe eyes"
She almost laughed at his choice of words, but did her best to remain serious.
"How can it be, that you always pester me about Sirius, while I'm trying my absolute best not to lecture you on your peculiar companions?", she asked with a sweet smile and caused Severus to frown in displeasure.
Her words were enough to make him fall silent once again, but it was clear as sunshine that his mind didn't return to mulling over his essay's topic. She had known him well enough to know, that sooner rather than later a question would be asked; most likely, a difficult one.
As Hermione expected, it took only a couple of minutes for him to put his quill down, as he began staring at her intensely.
"Yes?", she inquired him to speak with a half-amused smile, that probably irritated him to no end.
"I'm not the only one who doesn't like your relationship"
Hermione stopped smiling almost instantly, as she looked up at him with surprise filling her brown eyes. She expected his question to be completely serious, as he rarely joked, but this... This was baffling, she had to admit. Apart from that one conversation they had shared near the Black Lake, they tried to stray away from mentioning the war and everything connected to it. Nothing good could come out of it and they didn't have to talk about it to be aware of that fact. So, why was he bringing this up all of a sudden?
"Severus, do I strike you as stupid?", she asked cautiously and then rolled her eyes at his smirk. "Don't give me that look, I am fully aware of the fact that stupidity is not something you value. Which is why I am surprised you had just said something so ridiculously obvious"
Snape glared at her, but no words had left his mouth, as he was clearly deciding on his next step. After a moment of silence, he spoke:
"How much does Black know about your... affiliations?"
"You know I can't tell you that", she muttered, furrowing her brows.
Snape looked quite irritated at her answer and she realised that his questions must have been an attempt to hint some information to her.
"Does he know enough to act more careful than usual?"
Ah, so that was what he meant. Apparently, his brilliant friends planned to hurt Sirius in some way and Severus felt inclined to inform her about it, without betraying any facts. Again, she found it incredibly sweet, but also a bit inconsistent, to say the least. So he cared for the wellbeing of her boyfriend, someone he truly despised and yet, he proved himself unable to accept Lily's help, calling her a Mudblood? Hermione failed to see some logic in that.
"I wouldn't have it any other way", she said slowly and shifted on her chair. "Severus, I didn't want to ask about it, but I really can't wrap my mind around some of your actions. Why do you even care for what happens to Sirius? I assume that it's because of our friendship, but it strikes me as odd, that you chose to protect me, while Lily..."
Snape shot her a murderous glance as soon as the redhead's name rolled from her tongue. A blush appeared on his cheeks, making him look much less terrifying and intimidating than usual.
"We will not discuss it", he stated firmly, not letting her finish the sentence and Hermione snarled.
"I tried to keep my mouth shut about it, but I honestly can't do this if you want me to believe in a single word you say. Not when you claim that someone I love is about to get hurt because of me. Me and my blood status. Have you forgotten about it?"
Snape looked like he was trying really hard not to walk out on her, judging from his clenched fists and tensed jaw. Apparently, though, he decided to be brave, for once in his life.
"Of course I hadn't forgotten about it, you bloody Know-It-All. My peculiar friends, as you call them remind me of that every single day. I don't care for most of their ideology, but I have my reasons for siding with them. I don't expect you to understand, just as you can't expect me to understand your pathetic affection for someone so vile as Black"
Hermione frowned at his outburst and felt the anger arising in her body. He could have said anything about her; call her a Know-It-All, a dunderhead, anything really. But calling Sirius 'vile' was not something she could have just dissembled.
"Careful now, Severus. I'd truly hate to bring your friends' actions into this conversation, but I might not have a choice, since you clearly need a better explanation of the word you had just used", she said dryly and glared at him.
An angry scowl appeared on his face , as they kept staring at each other in a silent war. Finally, Snape broke their contest and said:
"You all walk around, claiming to be so perfect and ideal. Look at yourself, always waving your hand in the air, trying to make professors notice you so desperately and then walking the corridors with your head help up high, so proud of yourself and your undisputable knowledge. Do you know how many students would excel, same as you do, if they were given a proper chance? But no, your perfect society that you defend so eagerly deems them as freaks or nerds, or even worse, future Death Eaters, if they happen to be in Slytherin", he spat angrily, leaving Hermione baffled. "Not mentioning bullying someone, because of their lacking social skills or inability to buy first-hand clothes. That look of superiority you wear on your faces... It's no different from the looks I see on Mulciber or Avery. The only difference is that they accept me. Your perfect friends don't, which is enough of a reason to make my life living hell, apparently"
Hermione was truly lost for words. She had expected to hear lots of things, but this... How could anyone expect to hear something like that? She was angry, but it would be a lie to say, that she wasn't also ashamed. Ashamed, because part of her knew that his words bore some truth to them. He had always been that kid with no friends, with terrible childhood and nothing that could have made him more adjusted to living in the society. There was no denying the fact, that the Marauders bullied him. They didn't need a solid reason and Hermione suspected that their actions turned Snape into someone he was today. Someone so misguided and hurt, that he'd rather associate with people like Mulciber and Avery than use his brilliant mind to see clearly.
Knowing that simply hurt. Not only because she started to care for him in a more prominent way that anyone could have thought, but also because she claimed herself to be a good person; someone with a defined sense of morality, who fought to make things better for a lot of people. But it was true that she failed to make the same effort for everyone. She tried to save Peter, Severus even, but what about everyone else that might not be too far gone as of yet? Would she try equally hard to prevent those two boys from making grievous mistakes, if she hadn't known them before?
"I'd considered Lily to be my one, true friend. It took me years to notice that she had never fought for me the way I'd fought for her. But then, I could hardly expect someone to be ready to kill for me", he smirked, though Hermione didn't see even a trace of humour on his face. "I had always known that her feelings for me were purely friendly, but it hadn't stopped me from dreaming. There had been a point when I had thought that maybe if I developed new skills, she might have been impressed"
Hermione knew which skills he was referring to and she couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that he had actually thought those might be the key to Lily's heart. Still, Severus had been pretty awkward when it came to things so elusive as friendship and love.
"Nevertheless, I had never hoped for much. I was satisfied with the thought of having her as my friend. But then our friendship ended and it was my fault. Do you want to know why I did what I did?", he asked grimly and Hermione nodded silently. "Potter and Black had been making fun of me, again, and she had come to rescue me. She had yelled at them, like a friend is supposed to, but her eyes... Her eyes were full of pity, Granger. Nothing else. That's what I was to her; someone pitiful, rather than a friend she wanted to protect"
The sorrow in his voice made her heart clench tightly, although she knew that his words were only a part of this entire story. His behaviour had been despicable, but she had gotten to know him well enough to know, that above everything else, he despised being pitied the most. She even understood that. He came from a terrible household, full of abuse and terror and even if it had made him awkward and weird, it had never fully destroyed him. He possessed many valuable assets and he intended to use them to make his life better. He had goals and dreams, just like everyone else. Severus Snape didn't need pity, especially not from someone who was supposed to know him better than anyone.
And yet, he made mistakes in his life. Siding with Voldemort couldn't have solved any of his problems, just as it couldn't have fulfilled his dreams, no matter how hard Mulciber and Avery tried to convince him otherwise. To him, power was something he never had, but wanted badly. He didn't realise that there were other means to acquire it, better means that wouldn't force him to sell his soul. Means that wouldn't cause him to lose his friend.
Those facts were pretty undeniable. Hermione knew, though, that Severus understood that his actions were simply wrong. He regretted ruining his friendship, he had probably even known that becoming a Death Eater would probably a mistake. And yet, he still decided to side with them, rather than return to light. Why?
His words made everything clear to her. Just as she couldn't have wrapped her mind around it a couple of minutes ago, so now she possessed the missing puzzle so necessary to solve the riddle of Severus Snape. The Slytherin was human, wanting exactly the same things that everyone else craved. People rejected him over and over, starting from his father, ending on Lily herself. The Death Eaters offered him not only power, but also a sense of belonging; something, that no one else brought him.
Lily never understood that. Despite his many apologies, she wiped him out of her life and no one could blame her for that. She didn't think of his actions as of a simple mistake; she ultimately qualified him as someone not worth of her attention anymore. Was she entirely wrong? No. She had every right to do what she had done. But it didn't change the fact, that she should have known better.
Hermione suddenly realised that Severus' words were even more true than she initially thought. When he had called Lily a Mudblood, no one even cared for his version of events. No one noticed that the Marauders had been bullying him, humiliating him even. All everyone saw was that one single word, that Hermione knew meant nothing to Severus. No one bothered to help him, but everyone felt obliged to shame him and alienate him even further.
"I regretted my words as soon as they had left my mouth", the Slytherin continued his speech, seemingly oblivious to her inner turmoil, that had to be visible on her face as well. "But at that moment... I wanted her to feel exactly as degraded as me. It was wrong and I regret it, but it only proved all my earlier assumptions to be correct. Your friends are no better than us"
Hermione sighed shakily, not knowing what to say to him. Did she agree with some of his points? Yes. Did that make being a Death Eater right? Absolutely not. Apart from the obvious sense of belonging they might have offered him, they were still murderers under the lead of a psychopath. If she wanted to save him, she had to make him fully see that.
"If you think so little of us... Why do you even bother talking to me? To punish yourself? Or maybe you had lied to me, saying that you have no intentions of carrying the task assigned to you by your friends?", she asked quietly, trying to keep her voice neutral, despite the obvious accusation in her words.
"Don't you see, Granger?", he snarled impatiently, although she could have sworn that she had noticed traces of embarrassment in his dark eyes. "You had never pitied me. Every insult I'd thrown at you, you'd thrown back at me, but only as a defence mechanism. You had never mocked me without a reason. You're friends with Lily and those dunderheads, but you had still refused to believe their opinions on me, deciding to see for yourself. You had extended a huge courtesy to me and you had failed to notice how unusual it was around here", he explained quietly and Hermione had to blink a couple of times to make sure she wasn't dreaming. "You've done exactly what Lily should have done. So I am willing to do everything I should have done"
If his words weren't enough to make her completely baffled, the fact that a genuine smile appeared on his face definitely was. She couldn't help but reciprocate his gesture, but her grin faltered a bit, when a thought popped into her head.
"You still love her, despite everything that happened, don't you?", she asked quietly and watched as Severus looked out the window with sorrow painted on his face.
"I'll always love her. I had never expected her to be perfect, because I'm not perfect as well. It was me who ruined everything, because I've made some bad choices. I don't take responsibility for her own mistakes, but... They change nothing to me. She was and always will be the one for me. The one who helped me through the darkest of times. The one who gave me hope for seeing better days. Nothing will ever make me forget that"
Nothing indeed, Hermione thought to herself and allowed a sad smile to appear on her face.