Hermione felt like dying. Her head hurt from all the squealing and yelling done by her roommates in the surge of adrenaline, after she had agreed to let them take care of her clothes and make-up for Lily's birthday. She couldn't say that she had been to many parties. As a Prefect she felt obliged to stop the students from throwing them, as they weren't exactly legal and that bothered her a lot. Hermione had to admit, though, that stopping her previous Housemates had been much, much easier than stopping love-struck James Potter from making his Lily-flower celebrate her seventeenth birthday. As far as Hermione knew, the redheaded Prefect wasn't supposed to be aware of the party. Her friends from Gryffindor –Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadows– were tasked with making sure of that, as they invited her for a studying session in the Library. Little did they know, that Lily had probably figured everything out as soon as they had proposed visiting that place. None of her friends seemed to be interested in studying, apart from Hermione and Remus.

Despite Lily's probable knowledge of the event, Hermione heard nothing resembling a protest from her friend, which obviously meant that she actually wanted to celebrate her birthday properly. Of course, there was nothing wrong with that, but it still forced Hermione into her current position; strapped to a chair, trying to endure her headache and those ridiculous shrills of excitement coming out of her roommates mouth.

It still amazed her, that those Ravenclaw girls acted so light-heartedly and so... girly. Obviously, they were smart and Hermione had no doubts their future lives will be filled with lots of achievements and prideful events. But as for their love lives... Oh, boy. If she had to guess, she would say that both Amy and Gracie would get divorced at least two times, as they were completely unable to think clearly when it came to love matters.

Why else would they torture her into getting a fancy hairdo and ridiculous make-up? None of this things suited her! She was a bookworm and her books had never judged her appearance, hadn't they? Sirius knew all that and he didn't seem to be bothered by her practicality. Because that's what it was. Spending hours on making herself look presentable in the eyes of the society never appealed to her.

"If you guys are going to keep that up, I'm going to miss the party", she moaned and tried to change her current position to something less painful.

Immediately, she was awarded by on outraged yelp from Amy, who had been charming her hair.

"Stop fidgeting! Do you want to look good or not?!", she scolded Hermione and refused to acknowledge her friend's doubtful gaze.

"Sirius is going to drop dead when he sees you", Gracie sighed and clasped her hands, staring at Hermione in awe.

"That's not very good, is it?", Hermione asked, furrowing her brows and this time, she got reprimanded by Leslie, who, somehow, turned out to be a specialist in make-up.

How did that happen, Hermione had no idea, but she was inclined to think that it must have been a part of this entire plot to make her go crazy.

"Of course it is, you idiot!", Leslie rolled her eyes and sighed with exasperation, when Hermione blinked once again, instead of keeping her eyes open as she was asked to.

"Don't look at me like that! I can't help it! You're trying to poke my eyes out with that... thing", Hermione muttered, looking at the mascara clasped in Leslie's hand. "Why won't you just do it with charms?"

Obviously, such things existed even now. Back in the nineties, every teenage girl had been obsessing over those and Ginny happened to be one of them. Hermione had spent a lot of time with the girl and knew that it made make-up much, much easier.

"That would be no fun, wouldn't it?", Grace stated completely outraged by the mere suggestion, making Hermione stare at her with her lips pouted.

"Fun? You're calling this fun?"

All the girls nodded in unison and Hermione decided that it would be best to simply shut her mouth. Nothing could ever make her roommates change their mind about something; it had been a very Ravenclawish feature, she had to admit.

Instead of whining, she decided to focus on more pressing issues than voicing her displeasure for a hundredth time. Today's event provided her with a perfect opportunity to talk to Sirius. Well, not only to him, but also to everyone else, for that matter. Hermione felt as though she had to muster all of her bravery, because she knew that the longer she waited, the harder things got.

Telling Sirius stressed her out to the point, where she didn't even know if she could tell him first, as she knew she was supposed to. Having everyone else with her felt so comforting, that she caught herself coming up with several reasons as to why she didn't need to tell Sirius first.

It couldn't go that bad, though, could it? She trusted him to a point where even thinking about him rejecting her felt wrong. Even with that knowledge, looking at such things from the logical point of view was simply impossible, especially with her nature. Maybe that party could be good then? Her friends would undoubtedly find a way to make her relax, have fun even. The Marauders never failed to deliver in that aspect, after all.

"Hermione...", Amy's sigh snapped her out of her thoughts, causing her to blink rapidly. "We honestly get that you're not the one to enjoy dress ups. But we're not blind, you know? Something's clearly bothering you and it's not the fact that you look like a fucking princess"

If it weren't for her surprise at Amy's spot on observation, she would have definitely flinched at being called a fucking princess. Right now, her attention focused entirely of the three girls standing in front of her with their arms crossed on their chests.

"Another intervention?", Hermione muttered and wanted to rub her temple, but Leslie struck her with one of her make-up brushes.

"Don't you dare ruining my work! You know I'm a lazy ass, so spending an hour trying to make you look drool-worthy is actually a huge accomplishment for me!", Leslie growled furiously, making Hermione sigh tiredly.

"And yes! This is an intervention, because you clearly forgot that we are your friends as well!", Gracie pointed her fingers at her and pouted. "We wanted you to get together with Black, but we hadn't thought that it will cause you to ditch us"

Hermione opened her mouth in surprise and shook her head after a short moment of stunned silence.

"What? I didn't ditch you, guys! I just..."

"...have a lot on your mind lately?", the three of them spoke at the same time, causing Hermione to blush furiously; not that her blush could have been visible from underneath all that make-up.

"You always have a lot on your mind! We get it, Hermione! But it would still be nice if you could talk to us about things, rather than make us wonder constantly. You can just tell us! Maybe not all of it, but some...", Amy said with irritation, while Gracie nodded sadly.

"You've been spending an awful amount of time with Ewan", Leslie observed with a hint of jealousy in her voice, though she tried to hide it. "He tells me that you two have some business together. Business that apparently has to stay a secret to everyone beside you. Why can you tell him and not us?"

Ewan belonged to the Order now, which served as a perfect explanation to her actions. Still, his membership hadn't been the only reason for keeping the girls in the dark. Despite them being her friends, Hermione simply wasn't sure if they were cut from the same cloth as the rest of them. Telling them would mean that she had put them at risk. And those girls... They didn't struck her as fighters.

Their intelligence was something that Hermione appreciated greatly, but none of them was ready to fully accept the terms of the upcoming war. The fact, that they were jealous because Ewan knew something they did not only proved the point. Instead of looking at things as Hermione would have, trying to find some greater meaning behind her actions, they decided to question their value as her friends.

It worried her, to say the least. Telling the Marauders and Lily seemed right, because she had known their views and ambitions all along, but with those girls... Things were different. Hermione didn't want to spoil what remained of their peaceful, teenage lives and turn it into existence filled with constant worries. Not without giving them a heads-up first.

"Guys... I've been spending a lot of time with Ewan because I have no other choice. It's true that we cannot tell you anything, but I assure you, those meetings are not entirely for the social purpose. Actually, socialising is the last thing on our minds", she bit her lip, knowing that her speech was too revealing already.

She hated the idea of telling everyone, but them. Ewan hated that idea as well, but even he had to agree that she needed to make sure that she won't just scare them away with everything she had to say. Merlin, how she despised her life sometimes...

Hermione looked at her friends with pitiful gaze, noticing that only Leslie seemed to be calmer. Actually, the girl appeared slightly worried, leading Hermione to believe that she had been fully aware of Ewan's plans concerning the Order.

"We all are going to be of age this year! I'm getting sick of those secrets, even though I am aware of the necessity of their existence. It's just... Hard. We love you, Hermione and we want to help, just the way Ewan helps you!", Amy stated eagerly and Gracie followed her lead by nodding with such enthusiasm that Hermione worried her head was going to fall off.

"Guys...", Leslie's quiet voice was so unusual, that everyone looked at her instantly.

Hermione noticed how pale she seemed and she didn't like that one bit.

"Ewan joined the Order, didn't he?", Les asked, her voice serious as never before.

Amy gasped with surprise and looked at Hermione, trying to get confirmation from her expression, while Grace stayed quiet. The girl knew that there was no point in denying Leslie's words, as it would serve only as an insult to her intelligence. The news had already been out there, making it impossible for any of her roommates to forget it.

"Yeah. He did", she admitted softly, earning herself another gasp.

"But that would mean...", Amy started, but Leslie finished the sentence for her.

"That you're part of the Order as well"

Hermione couldn't help but smirk at their sudden realisation. She thought that her allegiance with the Order had been pretty clear from the beginning, but once again, she had managed to forget that those girls were innocent. So innocent, that they had probably assumed her secrets to be part of the conspiracy to make her safe. Her and maybe some other people she had met in France. They had never considered the possibility of her being an actual member of that mysterious organisation, that not many people knew of. She was merely a teenage girl in their eyes, even if her past was messed up and forced her to join the war sooner than it was needed.

"How could we not see that before?", Grace whispered, while Amy sat down on the bed, staring at Hermione in pure awe.

"It makes so much sense, now that I think of it", she said in a hollow voice, that made Hermione's heart clench painfully.

"How do you even know about the Order?"

Hermione's question was supposed to divert their attention from herself, but only Leslie seemed calm enough to answer.

"I know from Ewan. He told me about it a long time ago, when he forced his parents to explain to them why they were meeting with mysterious people. His parents decided that it would be best to tell him the truth, hoping that he might simply lose interest in that matter", the girl smirked and clicked her tongue. "Guess they're not very happy about how things worked out"

Silence enveloped everyone in the room, making Hermione even more stressed out. She knew that it wasn't her turn to speak, as she could offer them no explanation as of now. Their shocked expressions were reason enough to hold off her big revelation. If they hadn't been ready to hear about her membership in the Order, everything else she had to say would be even more terrifying.

"My parents mentioned it", Amy finally spoke in a hushed tone, that did nothing to help Hermione shake off her gloom mood. "Someone approached them about joining, but they refused. I thought that it had been a good decision, since the war... Well, I know it's coming, but it had been that way for years now. It's still pretty distant, isn't it?"

Hermione closed her eyes, letting a shaky breath escape her mouth. Her behaviour was enough to make Amy realise how far from truth her statement fell.

"Oh", she said dejectedly and Hermione heard the rustling of her quilt, indicating that the girl shifted uncomfortably. "Well... I guess that with what had happened to you, I can't be all that surprised to be wrong"

The atmosphere felt awkward and Hermione found herself in a dire need for air. The tension was suffocating her and she hated that feeling so much, that she considered storming out of the room. She knew, though, that it wouldn't be fair to her roommates, as they had every right to be shocked.

"I... Until very recently I wasn't even aware of the Order's existence", Grace added, breaking the silence once again. "I've heard rumours about an organisation opposing You-Know-Who, but... I didn't think much of it. It does seem obvious, though. Now that we know about you and Ewan", she admitted dejectedly and looked down to her knees. "Hermione... How did it happen?"

Grace's words weren't specific, but everyone knew what she was asking about. How did Hermione join the Order? Why? She knew that in this moment, she had a perfect opportunity to tell them the truth. All of it, without further pondering on the righteousness of the act. She couldn't, though. Looking at their pale complexions stopped her from doing so. Their usual joy disappeared, replaced by insecurity and fear.

"That's a very long story", Hermione said, her voice void of emotions, as she struggled to keep them inside of her aching heart. "I don't think you're ready to hear it"

Surprisingly, none of them protested, which made Hermione smile bitterly. She could imagine a bunch of chaotic thoughts storming through their brains, as they tried to understand this entire situation and its meaning. Maybe they still didn't know a thing about the war, but she had made them realise that sooner rather than later they will find themselves in front of a nasty choice. A choice, that both Ewan and Hermione had already made.

"I should get dressed", she muttered and stood up awkwardly, while the girls kept being silent.

She didn't want to look at them and the feeling seemed mutual. The floor suddenly became incredibly fascinating, as everyone took bigger interest in it than in anything else in the room. Hermione smiled bitterly once again, as a shaky sigh escaped her lips. She started to gather the clothes chosen by the girls, wanting to escape this place as soon as possible. She grabbed the handle of the bathroom door and stopped moving, when Leslie's quiet voice reached her ears.

"That's a lot to take in, Hermione. We knew you were brave and determined to take side in the war, but we... None of us had seen the obvious signs. I guess we didn't want to see them. It's hard to simply accept the fact that sooner rather than later our lives will be in constant danger and the only way to avoid it will be to run away. We're not even out of school yet!"

Hermione looked down, not turning away, as she didn't want them to see pain written all over her face. Accepting those things that Leslie spoke of wasn't hard. It was nearly impossible, especially for girls so young and cheerful. She remembered the night of the attack on Hogwarts –the Final Battle. How many students had she passed on her way to the Great Hall? How many innocent, young souls were lost due to Voldemort's madness? The answer was simple –way too much. Still, she had known that professor McGonagall had given the students of age a choice. They could either fight or run away, saving their lives. Even though Hermione herself would never choose the latter, the thought of so many students making the same choice angered her. This wasn't how life was supposed to work.

She understood how awful it must have felt for professor McGonagall to propose something so outrageous. It probably resembled the feeling flooding her own body in that exact moment. Not only had she forced her roommates to shake off their cheerful demeanours, but she had also done something far, far worse. She made them realise that they weren't nearly as brave or rather as stupid to throw their lives away in the name of greater good. They had plans and dreams that seemed simply too important to be forgotten. They wanted nothing else but for those things to come true, even if that made them selfish. Hermione knew that they had every right to feel that way, but she knew that sooner rather than later her friends will realise that trying to live in peace, while others are dying to make it possible for them was simply impossible; the guilt made it that way.

"We should have been smarter", Amy's voice broke her train of thoughts, forcing her to slowly turn around. "With yours scars and everything... I mean, if it was a single madman who had done this to you, you probably wouldn't be so bent on not telling us anything, yeah? Now that it's all out in the open, it's clear that we were just... stupid"

"And naïve", Gracie added in a trembling voice. "Even that intervention we had... Lily outright yelled at James for not seeing the greater picture and yet somehow, we were blind even more than he was"

Hermione clenched her fists, crumpling the clothes resting in her arms. The fact that none of her roommates scolded her for doing so, served as the best proof of everyone's mood. Oh, how she hated it...

"That's the thing, guys. I wish I could be as blind as you. We all should be. But I don't have the luxury of doing so, I hadn't for a very long time. I had already lost everything once and the only way I know to prevent something like that from happening to me again is to fight. For me, it's that simple. But for you...", she squeezed her eyes shut, stopping her tears from spilling. "I had said this dozens of times already; you hadn't seen the things I had, you don't know what's it like to look death in the eyes and still survive", she opened her eyes and took a deep breath, calming her nerves. "You want me to tell you things, but how could you ask me to destroy that innocence of yours? Not everyone in this world is a fighter. Ewan clearly is. I was forced to be, even if I never wanted to. But you? Do you want to fight? To face the evil that's coming?"

"What about the Marauders then?", Leslie asked with fire burning in her blue eyes. "Are you planning on destroying their innocence? How can it be any different from doing this to us?!"

"The Marauders made the choice for themselves", Hermione whispered quietly. "James wasn't able to understand my reluctance to tell you everything, because he is so bent on engaging in the fight even right now. He wants to be an Auror, same as Sirius. Remus is excelling in the Defence Against the Dark Arts and will never let anyone hurt his friends, even if that means sacrificing his own life. Peter had just managed to work through many doubts about his future and the conclusions he reached will never allow him to back down from the fight", she explained with guilt painted all over her face.

She forced herself to look up, facing her roommates. Leslie was angry, but Amy and Grace seemed awfully lost.

"I can't do anything to prevent them from joining the Order, so I am not going to keep lying to them. Do I feel guilty? All the time. But there's nothing I can do, at least in their case. You, however... There's nothing I want more than to simply open up to you as well, but I don't think you're ready for it. Once you know, there would be no way out. I don't think you really want that", she said with a sad smile, that faltered as soon as Leslie opened her mouth to speak.

"You think, Hermione! It's always you! How about asking us what we want, huh?! How about..."

"Stop, Les", Amy's quiet voice bore some force to it, making Leslie fall quiet, despite the fire raging in her eyes. "Hermione's right. It's not the time to be rebellious. I'm not a fighter and neither are you, at least not in the literal sense. Ewan joined the Order and yet, you failed to see it, just as the rest of us. If we chose to be this oblivious to everything that's happened, don't you think we should think everything through before we force Hermione to do something none of us is ready for?"

Grace nodded in response to Amy's words, while Leslie looked at her for a moment with anger, but eventually, it dissipated, leaving only shame. Hermione didn't have to read her thoughts to know, that the girl wasn't proud of missing so many obvious signs, just as she wasn't proud of being too scared to fight. In Hermione's eyes though, it was nothing to be ashamed of and she desperately needed the girl to understand it.

"You're right, Amy. The fact that me, Ewan and maybe a couple of other people are willing to rush into this, doesn't mean you should too. The war is terrible and there's nothing wrong in not wanting to endure it. You still have the chance to get away and live your lives the way you want to. You need to consider all your options before you throw that opportunity away", she stated and smiled gently, despite the pain filling her chest.

"Yeah, but what kind of life is that? Everyone wants to live the way they want to. What makes me entitled to do so, while they are fighting?", Leslie wasn't convinced, though, and Hermione's smile widened, realising that the girl truly was Ewan's soul mate.

Still, she didn't want her to act out of her fiery temper. She needed Les to be calm and conscious, if she was to accept her friend's decision without any lingering doubts.

"Just think about it, Leslie. Actually, same goes for you two. I'm going to respect your choices and I'm not going to think any less of you, if you decide to stay out of it. The only condition I have is, that you don't stop talking to me, when I refuse to tell you things. I'm not doing it for the pleasure of torturing you with constant uncertainty and worry. Trust me", Hermione said and gave them one last smile, before turning around and walking into the bathroom with her now crumpled pile of clothes, the only visible sign of all the nerves boiling in her body.

That conversation left her exhausted and incredibly down. How could she be optimistic about revealing herself to the rest of her friends, after enduring that? She was stupid for not seeing things coming and for hoping that her roommates would simply grow up in a blink of an eye. She had witnessed a fair share of miracles, but things like that... They simply never happened.

Her heart ached with a throbbing pain, making her so miserable, that the vision of attending a party seemed like the best way to torture her even more, rather than lighten up her mood. Not everyone was a fighter and the fact the she hadn't been born one became clear in the moments like this. She was sick of lying, sick of trying to make things work, sick of not being able to simply be oblivious to everything, for at least a couple of hours.

But the thing that she was sick of the most, was simply being herself.