I wish that everything, all of this, are merely dream... A really bad dream...
But it's not.
Right now, I am still living in the same world, staring at the chalkboard with empty eyes. The classroom, the high school, everything changed. Nothing is the same anymore without him here.
...And nothing is the same, without our memories together...
Everything are good as dead, nothing but fragments of the past, and the light of hope extinguished, leaving me here in the cold nothingness.
Why I'm still here, just to suffer?
Why can't I turn back time to that day, so we can prevent this? None of this need to happen if not for my carelessness. We don't need to suffer like this if only that stupid truck driver pay better attention to the road.
But time would never turn back, and what happened is irreversible...
The least that I have now is to only pray, hoping that one day, his memory will return.
"So, uhh... You know what happened to our friend, Hyakuya Yuuichiro, right?" Our homeroom teacher, Shinya, trying to explain the situation carefully to the whole class.
"So, please be kind to him, alright? He's still in recovery." The white-haired guy walk to the front door, and whispered outside. Two person with black hair seen from here. The older one must be Guren.
With the same style, the same way like the way he moved, the same messy hair, the same emerald eyes looking on to the whole class.
"I heard that you guys knows me, but my memory wiped off because of a stupid accident. So yeah, nice to meet everyone again! Hyakuya Yuuichiro, just call me Yuu!"
And there you go, he introduce himself with the same whimsical manner like how he always bust it off.
"I know it sucks, and you guys probably will hate me for saying that I forgot all of you, unless one! There he is, my best friend! Am I right?"
He looking at me with a smile, and I smiled back, trying to hold on the aching pain. As if being forgotten isn't enough, he need to always emphasis on the "friend" status.
Gossip heard on the class, and some of those who knew about our relationship turn their face to me with confused look. Some realize it, and I can see it in their eyes. Their looks are pure sympathy.
I just shrug on them with the same bitter smile, gesturing that it can't be helped.
After that awkward introduction, he sit on the vacant spot beside me, like how he always be, and I did my best to guide him. He never pay attention to his class, but now that he lose his memory, he strangely seems excited to attend his first class. Maybe it's like his first experience, not remembering how much he find his classes to be boring.
Time passed, the ring of the bell mark the end of the lesson, the teacher leaved, and we start chatting around, going here and there, but as I figured, many will swarm around Yuu due to his condition. Not just out of curiosity, but because many of them was his close friends. Other than me and Shinoa, there's Yoichi, Kimizuki, Mitsuba, Narumi, and several more from the other classes.
"Ummm... Yuu, did you really didn't remember about us?" Yoichi asked first, trying to be as polite, soft spoken as ever, more even more hesitate now, especially considering that his close friend is still recovering.
"Well, yeah... Sorry." The ravenette just scratched the back his head, probably feeling bad for saying such thing.
The other two looking at each other, seemingly contemplate on how to respond. They would usually respond in prude, brunt way, but right now isn't the right time of it.
"Don't sweat it, dude. It's not your fault." Kimizuki try to ease him.
"Yeah, surely the doctors will figure out how to help you." Mitsuba added.
"And we'll still be your friends regardless!" Yoichi said with a smile, holding on to the arm of the ravenette.
I'm happy that everyone are taking this so well, there's nothing for me to worry about. Our friendship will remain, regardless of what happened.
...Friendship... Well, yeah... At least we got the friendship...
Throughout the next classes, I wondered... All of those memories that he lose, all of those moments that we shared... From the time when we're still a childhood friend, for every years as we grow up, until we begin to fall in love, until we're together...
...Is there really nothing that I can do...?
"Ashera. Hey, Ashera?"
Uhh...?
I seems to be spaced out, not realizing that the class is already over, and it's time to return home.
"Yes?" I turn to the voice that calls for me. It's Yuu again.
"I don't understand the assignment. Can you help me?" He shows me his notebook with a clumsy smile. He didn't change.
"Yeah, sure. You're still recovering, so it must be hard for you. Which part that you didn't understand?" I put my elbow on the desk, supporting my cheek as I speak with an empty eyes.
"Well... Everything." I scratches his hair, giving me a pretty goofy face.
"Ahh, as expected... Well if you want, we can study together." I said with a faint smile, my mind still can't shake the grief away.
"Really? Can I go to your house?" He said with an uncanny excitement, as if it's his birthday present.
"Mhmm, sure. You seems to be really happy about it."
"Of course! I wanna know more about you, because you're my best friend, right? Maybe if I show me more about yourself, I can start remembering our times together!" He smiled as bright as the sunrise, as he ever be. Never realizing that we moved past the "best friend" phase long ago.
I nod, trying to be happy and supportive on his decision. Perhaps I should be genuinely happy, because he still shows an interest in me. Perhaps, there's still hope.
"Glad to hear that. Then let's go home together!" I smiled as cheerfully as possible for his sake. Perhaps this could be a small step for his recovery?
With such wishful thinking, I await at the school gate. He should be here in any minute, but all that passed are anyone else, not him. I wait patiently, wondering if he's alright? ! Perhaps he talked to the teacher first? Or did he stumble on a trouble with someone?
My shoes tapping down the ground, leaning against the gate. This place brings me a certain memory... The day when we first go to the high school, two years ago. At that time, we're still a friend, although we knew better that we hide the feeling, secretly liking each other since many years prior.
Ahh... Now it became a bittersweet memories, when both of us still had the mutual feeling, when both of us still laughed, having so much fun together everyday. The day when we still look on each other with that kind of eyes...
A deep sigh comes from me. My chest felt hurt, and my arm rubs it down, trying to calm myself and keep it under control. Let's not lose hope yet. We can still fix this...
...Ahh, there he is! He finally appeared, walking here with someone that I never seen before... Oh wait, that's the senior, Mikaela. Weird, I never seen them being together.
Mika is the kind of person that every girl likes, but Yuu isn't particularly fond of him. Strange how losing a memory changes someone to be so friendly to everyone, even to those that they disliked before.
"Okay bye, my bestie is waiting! Bye Mika!" Yuu rush in to me, still waving to the blonde senior.
"Sorry, did I made you waiting?" He gave me an apologetic gesture, and I shook my head.
"All good and no problem. What takes you so long, though?" We walk past the gate, finally start going.
"I was talking to that Mika guy, he's being so nice and polite about my condition. Do I know him before the accident?"
"Hmmm... As far I know, you never get along with him."
"I wonder why..."
Well, Yuu... That's because you said that Mika annoys you with how popular he is, and that everyone always focus their attention on him. Not sure if I should told that to him or not.
"He seems like really nice, and everyone liked him too. He's pretty cool too."
I shrugged, not sure why losing a memory makes him change his view. Perhaps because he no longer have the memory of him being irritated by the "Mika fangirls", something that bother even myself.
We can't help but talking more about Mika as we walk together, because I never knew much about him, and Yuu suddenly get along with him. When they actually befriend each other, it's an unexpected change of pace.
In about twenty minutes, we reached the place... My home, where me and my sister lived together, with no one else.
It's a simple and small home, nothing exceptional. There's only three bedrooms here, with one belong to me, one to my sister, and one for our parents that almost never return home. They just send us money once a month, enough for us to fill our stomach. Thanks to this, I'm good at cooking, because I can't afford restaurants.
Ahh, that brings me the memory on how I always ask Yuu to buy me cakes and such tasty treats whenever we're doing our date... It brings me a little smile, but only a little, because it wouldn't happen anymore.
"I'm home! Krul, we have a guest!" I opened the door and walks in with Yuu. Her light but fast footsteps soon heard from the upstairs.
"You got a little sister?" Yuu asked, and I nod.
"A cute one too."
When she comes downstairs, her long pink hair can be spotted so easily, especially with her ruby red eyes as well. Something we inherit from our parents. Unlike me, she always dressed in a dress, and prefer lighter colors.
"Ahh! Your boyfriend is here!" She opened her arms, awaiting for a hug. I walk in first, patting her head.
"Boyfriend?" Yuu look at me, terribly confused.
"Ahh don't mind her, she said that to everyone." I try my best to pretend like she's just messing around, even if she's actually very smart for her age and she knew what she's talking about.
"Hey, what do you mean by that? You know I won't just-" She asked, but I silently gestured my finger to my lips. Then whisper as soft as possible.
"Pretend like he's not my boyfriend. I'll explain later."
Then I turn to Yuu, and pointing to the upstairs. "My room is in the second floor, let me show you."
So, we leave the pink-haired girl there, having no clue what in earth just happened.
Second room from the staircases, on the left side, that's my bedroom. Right in the front, it's my sister's bedroom. On both door, there's many cute stickers, with each door having one wooden placard showing our names in our own color scheme.
My room isn't as flashy as my sister's bedroom, I didn't just put colorful toys everywhere. With a neatly tidied bed at the left corner, studying desk on the right corner, a windows beside it, small bookshelves in another side, then a carpet and a round desk on it, with pillows, so we can use the table without a chair.
What makes my room different is the way I decorate it. There's many photograph on the walls, few on the tables, and many assorted memento from the past can be seen here and there.
"So, this is your room..." He look around, realizing that there's so much photos about us together. "Seems like I was right after all. We're best friend, and we're very close long ago."
I nod and walk into the room along with him. "Yeah, we used to be a really close... Friend."
That kind of sting, but I keep faking a smile as I walk into the room, looking at the photos myself. I don't know if I should be grateful that I didn't put our romantic photos there, or should I regret it.
...Perhaps if I shows him, it will help him recover his memory?
...No, it's too soon. That's why I didn't show him my ring... And his own ring, that I recover from the hospital.
The most precious memento that I ever received, my treasure, and possibly the key to recover his memory.
I need to be patient. Take it slow. It hurt him when he start recovering his memory, so I can't rush it. I'll wait, even if it will took years.
Now, it's time to do what we must do, and the reason why we're here to begin with, that is studying together. Although my mind keep on being plagued by my memories that demand me, that beg to me to tell him the truth.
...Perhaps, a little question wouldn't hurt...
"Hey, Yuu... Do you still have our photos in your phone?"
Unlike me, he keep all those moments in digital form, and I confirm it because I often visit his house when we're still in a relationship. He doesn't have photos in physical form, unless just one or two, and they're just group photos. He doesn't do diary either, so the only record of our moments should be in his phone.
"Huh? Phone? Uhh... I think Guren told me that my phone was broken during the traffic accident."
Oh yeah, right. Never mind then.
"What's the matter though? Is there anything important there?"
"Uhh, well... Just thinking that maybe seeing your our photos will help you recover your memory?" I try to avoid being suspicious, but not like I'm lying there.
"Ohh, that's smart! Do you still have more photos of us together?" He said with one of those bright excitement.
"Of course, but finish your assignment first."
"Yes, sir!" He said with a joking manner.
I need to filter the photos first. Many of them are romantic, some even including kissing. That's the one that I need to hide.
After the study, we go down to the memory lane. It's hard to retell everything without telling him about our relationship. For now, I'll let him believe that all our dates are merely buddies hanging together.
Honestly, I can't help but wonder... What if I just told him here that we're in romantic relationship? Would it change anything?
Nothing will change if he doesn't have the same feeling to me anymore...
Yuu... Do you still love me?
Do you even have any interest in me anymore?
"Oh yea, I almost forgot to ask... All this time, have I ever been in a relationship?"
My eyes opens and I turn to him, can't believing on what he just said.
Wait, calm down... I should not go straight to the point...
"Well, what do you think? You might have lose your memory, but how about your feeling? Do you have some kind of interest on anyone right now?" I go as soft as possible with this, trying my best on not to be too obvious.
"Hmmm... Feeling... Interest... I wonder..." He scratches his head, seems like trying to recall something.
"Well, I guess... I liked everyone? Everyone told me that I'm those that consider everyone as one big family!" He gave me a big, innocent smile.
Ughh, he didn't get it... Well he have been kinda clueless since long ago anyway.
"No one's special? Something that you hold dear more than the rest?"
Come on, Yuu!
Is it really that hard?
"Well... I do feel like I care about you more than anyone else in the world, but that's because you're my best friend forever! Am I right?"
...Christ, you kidding me...
I'm trying really hard on not to smack the table with my own face right now. Be patience.
"I mean, no one that you romantically interested with?"
This time, he's thinking harder. Actually, it almost feel like he's remembering something...
"As weird as it sounds like, it's actually you... and maybe Mika? Maybe even Shinoa?"
...WHAT...!?
You're seriously kidding me. Why Mika is there? You never liked him long ago!
And SHINOA!?
"...Why though? I mean, I can just gives you a hint, but I rather hear you telling me about your feeling." I try to speak nicely, trying not to show the inner rage in me.
"Well... As for you, I don't know. I just feel like you're the most precious person in this world."
The warmth in my heart sparks again, just slightly, but there's a hope!
"As for Mika, I think I have crush on him."
...Hold on...
Hold the...
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAID!?
...I... I almost going to scream, but I mentally restrain myself in the neck, figuratively choking my lungs dry so no air escaped. My chest felt like hell, there's burning charcoal dumped into my heart that makes my blood boils.
Calm... Keep listening...
"And for Shinoa, I just... Don't know? I mean, what is my sexual preference? Do I like girls or boys better? I dunno, I lose my memories so it's like asking my favorite food. I can't decide until I eaten the foods again."
...I mean... Well... That makes sense, but still, I can't help but getting upset...
Take a deep breath, take a DEEP breath...
"So... How about this? Try to guess your type. There must be SOMETHING that makes you had interest in us."
I'm waiting, Yuu. Don't give me another stupid answer.
"Hmmm, give me a minute..." He took his time, more than a minute actually. Then he smack his hands together, seems like having an epiphany!
"The eyes! Both you and Mika havr the same red ruby eyes, and Shinoa have a darker red, like the color of wine!"
Oh, that actually makes sense. He do liked my eyes!
"Then I think, I like cute boys, or girls. Like I said, I'm not sure about my orientation."
That one is right too! He liked me because he think I'm way too cute for a boy!
"So? Which one among us that you liked best?" I start to push the pedal, it's time to settle this!
"Well, it's between you and Mika. I actually liked you better, but we're best friend, right? Would felt wrong to go after you."
Oh god, for heaven's sake...!
I just... Sheesh, he's as insufferable as ever...
Then again, it took YEARS for him to confess to me years ago, so not like this is something new.
"Ahh, I see... I guess." I try to laugh it out, as if I'm totally alright with it.
"Hope you don't mind what I said. I mean, I don't even know if you liked boys or girls."
Yuu, I never once dated any girl. You're my only boyfriend in my whole life. So I don't think I ever doubt about my preference.
"You'll figure that out later." I giggled and try to take this easy, instead on taking it as personal offense. It's not his fault that he don't know anything and getting it wrong.
That's all that I can get for now, and it's time for him to go.
...However, before he go, he need to deliver the one last nail to the coffin.
"So, you think I should go after him?" He said as he tidy up his school utensil.
I stopped on my track, freezing down, sitting there and staring down at the table.
"Him? W-what do you mean?"
"Mika. You told me that before I lose my memory, he's not my friend, right? Then I don't need to feel bad for liking him, right?"
...Oh god, no...
"Well... it's your choice. It's your life, your freedom."
That's all that I can bring myself to voice. My body, joint, muscles, everything became rigid, shaking.
"B-but... Are you sure about this?"
I need to ask him about it. I MUST!
I can't just outright tell him that he's in a relationship, I can't restrain his freedom. I need to know what his heart, what his free will truly desire.
"I... I actually don't know, but I feel like... AGHH!"
Oh no... His memory!
He's holding on his head, and I try to hold him on my hands, so he wouldn't fall down. He's much taller and heavier than me, so he still knocked the bookshelves by a little.
"C... Christmas... I feel like... There's a confession that I must do on Christmas... That's why... I ask you..."
Ahh, so that's why...
It's the yearly anniversary, when he gave me the ring...
"I... I see... There's still sometime before Christmas, so take your time. Please take care, relax..." I said, comforting on stroking his head as he kneel down on me.
He smiled, shaking his head a little before he fix his clothes. "I'm alright now. Thank you for the help. I'll figure this myself."
Both of us smiled and we're heading downstairs again. We wave on each other as he depart through the front door. But as soon as his figure vanished, my smile vanished too.
God, all of that was painful...
It's like I'm trying to swallow a bitter pill, and it's nothing pleasing. However, it's needed. It's for his sake.
...Christmas...
That's the time...
Perhaps, that's the time.
I opens the drawer, where I hid the rings. Our rings.
The promise that we made, the confession of that Christmas...
Perhaps soon, it's the time to show him the truth.