School was relatively uneventful. Lincoln went about his day like he usually did – trying to get as much homework done at school as possible, hanging out with his friends during lunch and recess, and ducking bullies. If there was one thing that could be said to have been unusual about the day, it's that no matter where he went, Lincoln felt like he was being watched. In the classroom, he caught some of his female classmates – and even his teacher, Mrs. Johnson – staring at him more than once; and during recess, he often felt eyes on him, too, but whenever he turned around to look, he couldn't see anyone. It was creepy, but it didn't do much to detract from Lincoln's good mood.
As the school day ended, and they walked home together, Lincoln's best friend and closest confidant (besides you, of course), Clyde McBride, decided to ask him about his unusually high spirits that he had been picking up on all day. Lincoln, for his part, was happy to oblige, if only to get Clyde's opinion on the matter.
"…and that's it. So, what do you think, Clyde?"
Clyde picked up his pace, to walk right by Lincoln's side. "Hmmm… What did you say you wished for, again?" he asked.
"That my sisters would love me," Lincoln said.
Clyde sighed dreamily. "Ahhh… I wish your sister would love me, too." His eyes glazed over.
"Riiight…" Lincoln remembered that his friend had a huge crush on his eldest sister. "Anyway, what do you think?"
Clyde blinked, and looked askance at Lincoln. "So, you really believe your wish actually came true, huh? What, you think some big-headed fairy or some genie ghost lady overheard you and granted your wish?"
"I'm serious, Clyde!" Lincoln said. "I mean, sure, at first I had my doubts, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was the only explanation that even remotely made any sense!" His excitement started to take over his speech. "I mean, sure, I can accept that maybe they just wanted to apologize, but if they did, then they probably would have just said 'sorry' – no need for that big display! I mean, I appreciate the display and all but, but…" Lincoln took a deep breath, trying to relax. "Sorry, I'm rambling. You see the point, though, don't you?"
Clyde nodded. "Yeah, it's weird," he said. "But then, 'weird' is kind of the norm in your family, isn't it?"
Lincoln had to laugh. "Yeah, it is."
Clyde walked even faster, overtaking Lincoln and turning around to face him, stopping him in his tracks. "That extends to you, too, Lincoln."
"Huh? M-Me? What do you mean?" Lincoln asked.
Clyde scratched his chin, squinting at Lincoln. "I just can't explain it," he said. "I don't know what it is, but… there's something different about you today."
"Huh?! Different how?" Lincoln said, looking at himself up and down.
"Well, that's just it," Clyde continued, "I can't place my finger on it. I just know there's something." He paused. "…You know there were some other people staring at you today, right?"
Lincoln started to feel uncomfortable. "Yeah. I noticed," he said.
"They probably noticed it, too." Clyde shook his head. "Just… I don't know, man. Something about all this just rubs me the wrong way. Watch yourself, okay?"
"Alright, Clyde, you have officially creeped me out, now," Lincoln said, raising his hands and laughing nervously.
"Sorry, man, I didn't mean to. But you wanted my opinion, and you got it." Clyde sighed. "Well, anyways, enough about the creepy stuff. You got any plans for this weekend?"
"Meh, not really," Lincoln shrugged. "Unless you call sitting in my room reading comics a 'plan'," he said as they came up to his house.
"Well, you wanna come over to my house tomorrow for a game of Swords & Cyborgs? I've been planning to raid the Clockpunk Tower, but I might need some help," Clyde said.
"That sounds good! See you at 3?" Lincoln said.
"Sounds like we've got a plan, then!" Clyde and Lincoln bumped fists good-bye. "Catch you later, Linc."
"See ya, Clyde!" Lincoln waved his best friend off, then chuckled quietly to himself. "'Watch myself'… Why? What's there to worry about?"
Lincoln opened the door… and his sisters were all waiting for him by the doorway.
And they were very happy to see him.
"Welcome home, Lincoln!" they all said together.
Lincoln jumped back and yelped, taken by surprise. His sisters grabbed him and pulled him inside, swarming him.
"How was your day?"
"Did you get good grades? I usually don't…"
"Was class boring? I bet it was…"
"Hear any good jokes?"
"No-one's been picking on you, right?"
"Did anyone die?"
"Did you enjoy your lunch?"
"Hey, listen –"
"Listen, Linc, could you –"
"I need you for something –"
"Hey! I need him for something!"
"So do I!"
"Well, I asked first!"
"No, you didn't!"
"Because you wouldn't let me finish!"
"We're not bothering you, are we, Lincoln?"
"Do you want a snack?"
"Lincoln, there's something I need to tell you –"
"I need to tell him something, too!"
"Well, get in line!"
"Lincoln, I require your asshisshtanche…"
"Stop butting in!"
FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTT!
A very loud whistle blow had the Loud siblings reflexively standing at attention. Lori was in "Queen of 'No'" mode.
"Alright, everyone," she said in an authoritative tone of voice, "clearly, we all have something we want to say to or do with Lincoln. So, here's what we're going to do. We are each going to take turns with him. Five minutes per turn to do or say what we need – and that's it. We go in descending order of age – so I go first."
A chorus of groans and protests rang out from the throng. Lynn stepped up. "Aw, come on, Lori, no fair! How come you get to go first?"
"Because I was born first, and because Mom and Dad left me in charge while they're gone," Lori answered smugly. Her icy glare pierced through each sister. "If you don't like it… then you can take it up with Mom and Dad when they get back. I'll make sure that they know all about your disobedience…"
The Loud sisters shuddered. As rowdy and rambunctious as they were, they still respected and feared their parents. Lynn fell silent, seething.
"Well… I need to get some stuff ready, anyways," Luna said.
"Yeah, me too!" Luan chimed in.
"Me three…" said Lola, grumbling.
"Alright, then. Everyone to your rooms – and wait your turn," Lori commanded.
One by one, the girls reluctantly obeyed. Each of them whispered to Lincoln as they passed him by – always something like "I'll see you soon, Lincoln", or "See you in a bit, Linc", or "I'll be waiting for you…" – something that struck Lincoln as rather odd, and unnecessary. Lisa did not whisper to him as she left, though, instead looking at him curiously, the same way she did that morning.
Lincoln didn't have much time to think about this, however, as he soon found himself being dragged upstairs by the hand, as Lori took him to her room. When they got there, they found Leni sitting on her bed.
"Leni, get out of my room!" Lori snapped.
Leni looked around, confused. "But… this is my room, too…" she said.
"Then get out of our room!"
And with that, Lori shoved Leni out into the hallway and slammed the door in her face. She sat Lincoln down on Leni's bed, and sat down on hers across from him.
And they sat there, as one minute passed.
…And as two minutes passed.
…And as three minutes passed.
Lincoln rocked side-to-side in his seat awkwardly, as he continued to watch Lori sit on her bed, face turned away, and drum her fingers on her thigh. The tension was starting to become unbearable. Finally, Lincoln breathed deep, and prepared to break the ice.
"So…" he said tentatively.
Lori jumped. "Wh-What?!"
"What… did you want to talk about, exactly?"
"O-Oh! Right, so, umm…" She trailed off into silence again. Lincoln was getting impatient.
"Well?"
"Just… Would you literally shut up?!" Lori said defensively. "I'm… I'm getting ready!"
"'Getting ready' for what?"
"Getting ready mentally!" Lori huffed and puffed, very emotional. Finally, she took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and said, "Okay… now or never, I guess…" She gulped audibly, and looked Lincoln straight in the eyes.
"I… broke up with Bobby."
More than a few moments of stunned silence followed. Finally, Lincoln found his voice.
"You… WHAT?!" he bellowed.
"Shhh! Not so loud, you idiot!" Lori shushed.
"But-But-But-But –" Lincoln sputtered, still reeling from the news. "But… But… why?! You love Bobby! I mean, you REALLY love him!"
"Yeah – I did," Lori said. "But I thought it over, and I decided that a long-distance relationship between us just isn't going to work. Besides…" She averted her gaze again.
"What?!" Lincoln demanded.
She continued to face away, but sent quick glances his way now and again. "There's… someone else."
Lincoln stared at her, mouth agape. "Someone other than Bobby? Well… who?! Is it Hugh?" he asked.
"No, it's not Hugh," Lori said.
"It couldn't possibly be Clyde, could it?!"
"Ew! No, it's not Clyde!"
"Then who could it possibly be?!"
Lori glared at him, blushing furiously. Then she shook her head angrily. "Ugh! As if I would ever tell you!" she said, getting up and grabbing Lincoln by the collar. "Alright, I've said what I wanted to say – now get out of my room, you weirdo!"
Lori hoisted Lincoln off the bed and dragged him to the door. Just before the exit, she stopped. "Oh, by the way, you're coming with me to the mall later," she told him.
"What? Why?" he asked.
"To carry my bags, of course! Now, go! Out!" Lori shoved Lincoln out the rest of the way and shut the door. Lincoln just stood there, dumbfounded.
What… just happened? he wondered.
He felt a tap on the shoulder. It was Leni, still standing in the hallway.
"Hey, Linc!" she said, still as peppy as ever. "So, like, does this mean you're done talking to Lori?"
"Uh… I guess?" Lincoln answered.
"Yay! That means it's my turn now, right?" Leni bounced her fists together excitedly.
Lincoln composed himself, ready to help his dull-witted sister. "Right. So, what do you need help with, Leni?" he asked.
"Oh! Right…" Leni looked away, twiddling her fingers and blushing. "Um… There's, like, something I want to say, Lincoln, but I don't know how to say it…"
Lincoln sighed. She must have forgotten a word again, he thought. "Okay, well, describe it, then!" he said, like he always did when Leni forgot a word.
"Describe it…?" Leni was a little lost. How was she supposed to describe her feelings? "Well, it's, like… my chest, you know…?"
"Your… chest?" Now it was Lincoln's turn to be embarrassed.
"Yeah, it's all… tight, and stuff…"
"Ohh… Your… bra…" Lincoln forced the word out.
But Leni shook her head. "No, no, not my bra! It's, like, inside…"
"Oh – Oh, your heart!"
"Yes! That's it…"
"Well, okay then, Leni! The word you were looking for is 'heart'!" Lincoln said confidently (while breathing a sigh of relief on the inside), and turned to leave.
"Where are you going…?" asked Leni.
Lincoln turned back around. "Um… was there more?"
"Yes! You, like, didn't tell me how you feel…"
"Feel about what?"
"What I said!"
"What is there to say…?"
"Like, lots of things!"
"Like what?"
"What?"
"Huh?"
"Huh?"
"What?"
"Who?"
"Huh?!"
"Huh?!"
"What?!"
"AHHHH! STOP, STOP, I'M REALLY CONFUSED, NOW!" Leni cried, holding her head as if it were in pain.
Lincoln massaged his temples in frustration. Oh, Savino give me strength, he thought. "Okay, Leni, okay…" he said, crossing over to the sobbing Leni, "there, there, it's okay. We'll get through this. Let's just start from the beginning, alright?"
Leni lifted her head up and looked at her brother smiling down at her. All of her troubles seemed to wash away. She got up off the floor and wiped away her tears. "Okay," she nodded.
"All right. Now, what is the problem?"
"I want to say something to you...!"
Suddenly, Lincoln recognized the problem. "Ohhh, you wanted to tell me something! Okay, alright, my mistake, Leni. My bad. Alright, so, what is it?"
"I… I kinda, like, don't want to say… I don't know if you'll like it…"
"Oh, it's okay, Leni, just come right out and say it! I can take it – I've got a thick skin, you know!" Lincoln said, smiling.
That smile gave Leni all the reassurance she needed. "Okay, then… here goes…" She took a deep breath, mustered up all her courage… and wrapped her arms around Lincoln, pulling him in for a hug.
"I love you, Lincoln!"
…That was it? Lincoln thought. He sighed, still smiling. Classic Leni. He returned his sister's hug. "I love you too, Leni," he said.
Leni gasped. "Really?! EEEEEEEE!" She released Lincoln, and whipped out her cellphone. "O! M! Gosh! I have GOT to tell my friends!" she squealed. She then ran into the bathroom, presumably to both text in privacy and re-apply her makeup.
"…Ohhh-kay. So, that was weird, too," Lincoln said aloud, to no-one really (no, not even YOU). "So then, next is –"
"Oi, luv!" Luna shouted from her room, in that stupid British accent of hers. Without warning, she kicked her door open (from the inside, somehow). "I'ss moi turn, innit? Come on in 'ere, an' 'ave a listen to moi sweet jams!" Luna jumped out, grabbed Lincoln by the sleeve, and yanked him into her room – all while looking rockin'.
She seated Lincoln between two giant speakers with the volume turned up to 11, and grabbed her guitar. "Now, sit yerself down 'ere, luv," she said, "an' le'ss git ready to ROCK!" She raised her pick dramatically over her head.
"Uh-oh," Lincoln said (to you this time).
He plugged his ears – and Luna proceeded to rock the house.
…Quite literally, actually. Among other things, Lucy's bust of Edwin fell and broke off its head (though strangely, Lucy did not seem to mind); Lola's favorite porcelain cup shattered (and Lola DID mind that); and Lisa nonchalantly stopped a beaker full of volatile chemicals from falling off the table with one hand, while writing notes with the other.
After three minutes of ear-blisteringly loud music blaring right into Lincoln's ears, the song stopped – although Lincoln could not be sure of that, given that there was still a loud ringing in his ears. He saw Luna's mouth moving, and figured she was asking him something.
He said, "WHAT?!", or at least, he thought he did.
Luna repeated the question.
Lincoln shook his head hard, and stretched his jaw, to get the ringing out.
"WHAT?!" he yelled again. This time, he could hear himself talking.
"I SAID, 'WHAT DID YOU THINK?'?!" Luna yelled back at him.
"OH! IT WAS COOL!" Lincoln gave two thumbs up. "I REALLY LIKED THE MELODY! VERY PASSIONATE!"
"WELL, OF COURSE I KNOW MY MELODIES, BRO! BUT WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE LYRICS?"
"THE –" Lincoln blinked. His hearing was almost completely back. "The lyrics?"
"YEAH!" Luna shouted, before she realized that Lincoln was back to using his indoor voice. She cleared her throat. "Yeah, bro, the lyrics. What do you, y'know… think?" She started playing with her paperclip earring.
"Oh, I…" Lincoln rubbed his head sheepishly. "Actually, I… couldn't make out the lyrics over the music."
Luna visibly sagged. "Oh…"
"Sorry, Luna. B-But I still liked the song! You really know how to play the guitar!"
Luna blushed. "Aw, thanks, bro!" she said, tousling his white hair. "Hey, tell you what – in that case, why don't we turn down the volume…" She cranked the dial down to 6, "…and I play you another one?"
"You have another song?" Lincoln said.
"Hey, what can I say? I've got a lot of… inspiration… around me." Luna stole a quick glance in his direction.
"Well, okay!" Lincoln nodded.
"Cool! Alright, here we go…!"
Luna raised her pick dramatically again… but when she strummed her guitar, the sounds were barely audible.
"What the –?!" Luna held up her guitar, then turned to her amp.
Luan strolled out from behind one of the giant speakers, smugly twirling the plug to the amp by the power cord. "Sorry to 'pull the plug' on your performance, Luna," she joked, "but your five minutes are up."
"Wha –?! No, they're not!" Luna protested.
"Yes, they are. I've been counting. 'AC/DC' you later! Hahahahaha!"
Infuriated, Luna removed her guitar, unplugged it, and returned it to the stand. As she walked past Luan, she growled, "I'll remember this." Luan just flashed her braces and waved good-bye.
As Luna stormed out of the room, Luan stood Lincoln up and sat him back down over on her bed. "You'll thank me for this seat," she said, "because my new material is gonna knock you down!"
Oh, boy, Lincoln thought.
"Okay, so…" Luan began, "there's a brother and a sister, see? And the sister says to the brother, 'You can sleep with me in my bed, tonight!' And the brother says, 'Are you sure?', and the sister says, 'I 'incest''!" Luan doubled over in a fit of laughter, clearly appreciating the joke.
Lincoln, on the other hand, was appalled. "Whoa, Luan! That's a bit, uh… mature, don't you think?"
Luan came down from her laughing fit. "Heh, heh… Yeah, well… I don't know. I can't explain it, Linc, but…" She sat down on the bed, next to him. "Well, it's like you're my muse, you know?"
Lincoln looked at her. "Your… muse?"
"Yeah! You know, you fill me with inspiration, Linc! When I'm with you, I feel like I could come up with a killer stand-up routine in one sitting! And you… you…" Luan started playing with her ponytail. "You make me feel so… mature."
"I… what?"
Luan scooted closer to him. "Lincoln… you know that I'm still a girl, right?"
"Uh… of course I do…"
She scooted closer. "In fact… I'm almost a woman, you know?"
"A woman…?"
Closer. "And I'm more than just a comedian, too…"
"Luan…?"
Closer. "Much more."
"Um…"
Lincoln tried to scoot away, but Luan entwined her hand with his. "I have feelings too, Lincoln. I care about you. I really do." She blushed. "I don't just want to make you laugh, Lincoln. I want to make you happy. I want to make us both very… very… happy…"
Luan leaned her face uncomfortably close to Lincoln's as she said those words. Lincoln pulled back, apprehensive, but Luan caressed his face, putting him at ease…
And then Lynn, being Lynn, jumped in and spoiled the moment.
"Hey, guys!" she shouted.
Luan started and bumped heads with Lincoln. "OWWW!" she cried, cupping her forehead and wincing, like Lincoln. "Lynn! What the HECK?!"
"Sorry, sis," Lynn said, pointing at a non-existent wristwatch. "Your five minutes are up."
"Wha –?! No, they're not!" Luan protested.
"Yes, they are. I've been counting. I guess 'time flies when you're having fun', huh? HA! See, Luan? I can crack jokes, too!"
Luan stared at her younger sister dryly. "That wasn't a joke, it was an idiom – HEY!"
Not listening, Lynn had caught Lincoln's head in a chokehold, and was dragging him over to her room. "See you later!" she called from the doorway.
"I'LL REMEMBER THIS!" Luan declared.
Lincoln Loud blinked, somewhat dazed. His brain was still somewhat starved of oxygen from Lynn's cast-iron grip, but now it fully recognized what was happening. He was laying on the floor in Lynn and Lucy's room, and Lynn had him pinned down – but not in the way he expected.
"Ummm… Lynn?" Lincoln asked. "What are you doing?"
Lynn lifted her head up. "I told you – I picked up some new wrestling moves, and I'm trying them out on you," she said, and buried her face back into his collarbone.
"Really? Because this feels less like 'wrestling', and more like… 'cuddling'."
Lynn had her arms wrapped around his neck – firmly, but not tightly. She was nuzzling his collarbone, and she had her legs wrapped around his right thigh.
"Well, this is how they did it on TV…" Lynn responded.
"Really? Because I think, even with kayfabe, this would be considered as…" Lincoln stopped short. Some sort of friction was making his thigh very hot. "Uh… Lynn…"
Lynn looked up at him coquettishly. "Hmmm…?"
"What is that…?"
"What is what…?"
"That. What you're doing with your…"
"My… what?" Lynn suppressed a giggle.
"Your –" Lincoln froze as a strange new sensation creeped up his thigh.
A strange… moist sensation.
"Okay, Lynn, you win! Match over! Ding-ding-ding! Now please get off!" Lincoln cried.
Lynn just smiled at him. "Why should I?"
"Because it's my turn."
A spooky voice startled Lynn – and accidentally made her knee Lincoln in the place that boys do not like to be kneed in. Lynn hopped off of Lincoln, who was now writhing on the floor in agony, in a panic.
"O-Oh my gosh! S-Sorry, Lincoln! H-Hang on, I-I'll go get an ice pack!" Lynn said, and darted out the room to the kitchen. Lucy, meanwhile, stood over Lincoln.
"Are you okay, Lincoln?" she asked.
Lincoln sobbed, "Where is Lynn's hand-me-down when I NEED it?!"
After receiving cold ice to apply to his bruised boy parts, Lincoln sat down on Lucy's bed. He felt up his now-dry pant leg, sniffed his hand, and sighed in relief.
Thank goodness, he thought. She didn't really pee on me.
"Lincoln?"
"Hm? Oh, right, sorry, Lucy. What did you want, again?" Lincoln asked.
The young goth pulled out a piece of paper. "I wrote you a poem. It's called 'Forbidden'."
He is so close, and yet so far/
The apple of my eye.
I know it's wrong, but it feels right/
I often wonder why.
The more I see him, the more I yearn/
To pluck that forbidden fruit.
If I follow my heart, I know/
My mind will follow suit.
A serpent slithers in my soul/
Telling me to bite it.
It tempts me sorely, day and night/
No matter how I fight it.
I know that he, and all the world/
Will know, and disapprove.
But I will soon be conquered, lost/
I'll have to make my move."
Lucy looked up at Lincoln. "Well?" she asked in her monotone voice. "Did you like it?"
Lincoln didn't answer. His eyes were shut, deep in contemplation. "Wow, Lucy," he said after a while. "Biblical references?"
Lucy nodded. "It's a great source of dark material."
"Very deep."
Lucy clasped her hands together and squeezed. "So… do you understand?"
"The poem?"
"Yes."
Lincoln went over the poem again in his mind. He carefully scrutinized each stanza for its meaning. He opened his eyes, as revelation dawned on him.
"You're in love with a boy," he said.
Lucy took one step towards him. "Yes."
"But you're afraid of what he will think?"
She took another step closer. "Yes."
"But you love him, so you're gonna tell him anyway?"
Another step. "Yes…"
Lincoln understood. He reached out to his little sister…
…and gave her a hearty clap on the shoulder. "Well, good on you, Lucy! Way to be brave! I'm proud of you, little sis!" He gave her a brotherly hug.
Lucy did not hug him back. Instead, she hung her head, and said, "Sigh."
Just then, Lincoln heard a commotion in the hallway. It was time for him to play peacemaker once again. "Uh-oh," he said. "That can't be good. Gotta go, Lucy! Good luck with your crush!"
"Thanks," Lucy said – and after Lincoln left, added, "I'm gonna need it."
Lincoln ran out into the hallway, and saw that it was the twins, Lola and Lana, bickering as usual.
"I'm older than you, so I should go next!" Lana shouted.
"Older by a few minutes, maybe, but I'm more mature than you, so I should be the one to go next!" Lola shouted back.
"'More mature'? You? You play dress-up, host tea parties, and to top it all off, you're a spoiled brat!"
"And I suppose you're any better? You dig through the trash, like to play in the mud, and you'll eat anything that even looks edible!"
"I'M NEXT!"
"NO, I AM!"
"What's going on out here?" Lincoln sighed, the shouting starting to aggravate the oncoming headache.
Lola and Lana turned to him, and simultaneously said, "Lincoln, you're going to play with ME next, right?!"
"Uh…" Lincoln scratched his head. He recognized the problem with the twins, but couldn't come up with a solution.
He turned to Lana, who gave him the puppy-dog eyes. "Come on, Lincoln – I'm the older one, remember?"
She made a fair point. He then turned to Lola, who smiled deviously. "Lincoln…" she said in a sugary sweet voice, before dropping both for a frown and a low growl. "You wouldn't want to make me mad, would you?"
That settled it. "Alright, Lola," Lincoln said, "you're first."
"Yay!"
"What?!"
Lana could only shake her head at Lincoln as Lola stole him away from her. "You have no idea what you're getting into, Lincoln," she warned.
"Quiet, you! You're just jealous because I'm more resourceful than you," Lola boasted. She tugged on the hem of Lincoln's polo. "Come along now, dear brother!"
Lola led him into her room, sticking out her head for an important announcement. "We're having a tea party… AND NONE OF YOU ARE INVITED!" She shook her fist angrily for emphasis, and slammed the door.
Lola turned back to her brother with a large, gap-toothed smile on her face. "Please, sit, Sir Linkington," she said, gesturing to a small table behind him.
"Sir Linkington?" Lincoln looked at the table, and saw that it was decorated with a miniature porcelain tea set, and had small plush animals sitting around it, save for two vacant seats.
A tea party? Lincoln thought. THAT'S the important thing Lola wanted to do with me? He shook his head again – he'd been doing that a lot, recently. Classic Lola. Lincoln seated himself at the near end of the table, in a chair much too small for him, while Lola took the seat at the far end.
Lola daintily picked up the teapot. "Would you care for some tea, Sir Linkington?"
Lincoln didn't like it, but he figured he had to play along, lest he invite Lola's wrath. "Why, thank you, uh… Princess Lola, that is most gracious of you," he said, affecting a posh British accent.
"Ah ha ha ha… Oh, please, Sir Linkington, it's only part of the duties of a hostess," Lola said, "pouring" "tea" for the both of them. She gracefully returned the teapot to its resting place, then picked up the "sugar" bowl. "Any sugar for your tea?"
"Oh, no sugar for me, thank you very much, kind princess. I'm afraid I have a most dreadful cavity," Lincoln replied.
Lola nodded, and placed one… two… three… four… five "sugar cubes" in her cup. As she stirred the "sugar" into the "tea", she asked Lincoln, "Do tell, Sir Linkington, what ever do you think of me?"
Lincoln picked up his cup, careful to extend his pinky. "Of you, your highness? How do you mean?" he asked, taking a sip of "tea".
Lola fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Do you find me… ravishing?"
There was no tea in Lincoln's cup. He still choked. After a coughing fit, Lincoln sputtered, "Um… Er, uh… w-well, I…" He cleared his throat. "While such is not precisely the… appropriate term for such a handsome young lady, if that is the word that you deem appropriate… then yes, I do find you… 'ravishing'."
Lola was very pleased with his response. "Oh ho ho ho… you truly are a perfect gentleman, Sir Linkington. If… if that is truly the way you feel about me... then perhaps you would grant this fair lady the only gift that she desires from such a perfect gentleman as yourself…" She leaned in close.
"A noble kiss."
Lincoln mentally rolled his eyes. "Why, my princess, it would be my honor." He leaned over and pecked Lola on her cheek.
But this was not what Lola had in mind. "Mm hm hm hm… Oh, Sir Linkington, there is no need to be so bashful," she said. "We may do it the way our American cousins do it – on the lips."
That was enough to make Lincoln break character. "O-O-On the lips?!"
"Indeed. In fact, if we are both feeling so bold…" Lola smiled. "We may do it the way our French cousins do it."
Lincoln tugged on his collar, laughing nervously. "Uh, Lola…? I-I-I think your five minutes are up now…"
"I'm waiting, Lincoln." Lola closed her eyes, and puckered her lips.
Lincoln's heart was pounding, and he was starting to sweat. If he didn't do it, who knows what Lola would do to him? But if he did…
He gulped. Well, he thought, it's just make-believe, right?
…Right?
Lincoln reluctantly closed his eyes, and puckered his lips. He was prepared to just get it over with, and never speak of it again.
…He was, that is, until Lola was pelted by a well-timed mud pie.
Shocked, Lola turned around to see Lana standing there, cackling.
"LANA!" she screamed. "What have you done?! My HAIR! My CLOTHES!"
Lana stuck her big, fat tongue out through the gaps in her front teeth. "Mmneh…!"
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Like a pink blur, Lola bolted out the room, making a beeline for the bathroom.
As Lana finished laughing her head off, she noticed Lincoln staring at her, horrified. "Lana…" he said. "Do you have any idea what you have just done?!"
Lana shrugged. "Um, yeah! Spent a perfectly good mud pie to save your sorry hindquarters. You're welcome, by the way."
"But… But Lola is going to kill you for that!"
"Nah, I can handle her. I'm her twin sister, after all."
"I hope so, for your sake," Lincoln said. "Hey… how did you get in here, anyways? I'm pretty sure Lola would have seen you if you came in through the door, and I didn't see you come in through the window…"
"This is my room, Lincoln. I know it like the back of my hand," Lana replied. "I have ways of slipping in and out of here that Lola has no idea about."
Creepy, Lincoln thought. He sighed. "Well, if you're here, Lana, then I guess it has something to do with what you want to do with me, huh? Well, it had better be pretty important to be worth angering Lola over."
Lana went wide-eyed. "O-Oh! Right, um… Uh…" She averted her gaze, holding her hands behind her back and using what few front teeth she had to bite her lip.
Lincoln crossed his arms. "Well, Lana?"
"Umm… Ah… F…"
"'F…'?"
"F… Fl… Flow-Flowers!"
Lincoln was unimpressed. "…'Flowers'? That's what you wanted to talk to me about? Flowers?"
"No, no! I-I mean, yeah, but –!" Lana shook her head, flustered. "I… I mean, I… wanted… to… give… some… flowers… to… you…" she choked out.
Now that was something Lincoln never would have expected from her. "You… did?"
"Y…Yeah! See, um, I was, you know, playing in the mud, like I always do, and, and I saw these wildflowers, see? And, and they were so colorful, and p-pretty, and… and they reminded me of y…" Lana froze on the last word.
"Reminded you of what?" Lincoln asked.
"Y… Y… Yo… semite! Yeah, Yosemite National Park!" Lana said, flashing a grin that was much too wide, and sweating even more than usual.
Lincoln thought it was rather odd, but after some thought, he found that it made sense. "Hmm, yeah, I guess they would," he said.
"So… I thought you might… like them, so… I… picked them for you!"
"Oh, really?" Lincoln paused, looking at Lana. "So… where are they?" he asked.
"Where –? O-Oh, right! Um, they're, uh, somewhere here…" She searched through the many, many pockets of her overalls, dropping tools of every shape and size. Then she looked in the big front pocket, and gasped. "Ah! Here they are!"
Lana reached in and pulled out a bouquet of hand-picked wildflowers. She wasn't kidding when she said they were colorful – Lincoln was blown away by the vibrant natural colors.
"Wow…!"
"D-Do you like them…?"
"'Like' them? I love them!" Lincoln happily took the handful from Lana. "Thank you, Lana!"
Lana chuckled. "Aw… it's nothing…" she said. Under all the dirt and grime, Lincoln swore he could see her blushing.
Lincoln playfully tousled his younger sibling's… er, hat. "You're a good kid, Lana," he said. He took a deep smell of the flowers, and sighed contentedly. "I'm going to take these, and put them in a nice, stylish vase!"
As he left the room, he heard Lana call, "I… I just wanted to show you…!"
Lincoln turned his head. "Hmm?"
Lana took a deep breath. "I… wanted to show you… that I'm a girl, too!"
Lincoln cocked his eyebrow. "Uhhh… I knew that, Lana." Still feeling confused, he left. As he put the flowers in a vase in the kitchen, he thought about the way his rough-and-tumble little sister was acting. She had never acted that girly in her entire life. (Well, she did once, but she was pretending to be someone else.)
Lincoln headed back upstairs. There was only one sister left to take care of – the one who had been acting strange – well, even stranger than usual. He walked up to Lisa's door, and knocked.
The door opened a crack. He recognized his little sister's huge glasses immediately. She was staring at him the same way she had been all day.
Well, Lincoln thought. This is going to be awkward. "Hey… Lisa?"
"What do you want?" she asked.
"Um… it's your turn, now, so… what did you need my 'assistance' for?"
Lisa stared at her brother for a little while longer, then shut the door. Inside the room, Lincoln could hear the rustling and clattering of lab supplies. After a few moments, Lisa reopened the door.
"I will require a shmall shampleof your bodily pershpiration," she said.
"Huh?" Once again, Lincoln could not understand what his genius sister was saying.
Lisa stepped outside. She was holding a small sponge and a test tube. "I need shome of your shweat." Immediately, she started dabbing him with the sponge all over.
This took Lincoln by surprise. "Ah, hey! What the –?! Lisa! What is this all ab – HEY! What are you doing?! AH! Careful! Those are still tender… Okay, now – hey! Wait! Ahahahaha, that tickles! Hahahahaha… Okay, stop, stop! LISA! Don't you think you've got enough?!"
Lisa ceased her spongy assault, and squeezed the sponge's collected fluids into the test tube. There was more than Lincoln expected. He guessed he was still sweaty from his near-kiss experience with Lola.
Lisa examined the sample, and nodded. "Thish will be more than shuffichient. Your asshishtanche wash much appreciated, Lincoln." She stepped back inside the room and tried to close the door, but Lincoln jammed his foot between it and the frame.
"Lisa, wait!" Lincoln said. Lisa stared at him again, then huffed and opened the door.
"Why have you been acting so weird, lately?" Lincoln asked her.
"That'sh what I'm trying to figure out."
Lisa shut the door. Lincoln was prepared to knock again, but he slumped his shoulders. I guess that's the closest thing to an answer I'm ever going to get, he thought. Shrugging, he turned away. "Well, it was weird most of the way through," he said to himself, "but that's it. That's everyone. Well, everyone except Lily. But what could she possibly need me for?"
…Five minutes later, a nauseated Lincoln dropped yet another soiled diaper into the diaper genie.
"Why did I even ask?" he asked you. (And I'm guessing you don't know.)
After dropping off Lily downstairs, Lincoln headed back up to his room. "Okay, now that's everyone. I'm finished." He pulled a rolled-up edition of Ace Savvy out of his back pocket. "Which means that from now on, it's just you, me, and my underwear." He paused, mulling over his words. "…That didn't sound right. Oh well."
But just as Lincoln reached for the doorknob, he felt a deathly shiver flow down his spine. He froze in place, afraid to move.
Because, right behind him, was a very angry sister.
"Where do you think YOU'RE going?!"