Lincoln turned his head slowly to see the source of the voice, although he had a good idea who it was.

Sure enough, it was Lori. She stood there with her hands on her hips, glaring holes through him.

"Uh… to my room?" Lincoln answered.

Lori's expression didn't change. "Don't you remember what you promised me?"

Lincoln tried to recall whether he had promised her anything. "What…? What, to go to the mall with you?" he said. "I thought you said we would do that later!"

"It IS later!" Lori snapped, tapping her wristwatch. "It's over half an hour later! Now come on!"

"But I'm tired, Lori!" Lincoln whined.

"Oh, and you think I'm not tired, keeping this house from falling apart while Mom and Dad are gone? I deserve this, you have to help me, now let's GO!"

Lori grabbed Lincoln by the shirt and started dragging him to the stairs. Lincoln briefly lost his footing, dropping his Ace Savvy comic, and began to struggle.

"Lori, wait…!" he said. "Ugh…! Why do I have to come with you, anyways?!"

"I told you – I need you to help me pick out clothes so that I'll know what to wear for y – for the 'someone else'!" she replied.

That only confused Lincoln. "But… wait, I thought you only wanted me to carry your bags?"

"W-Well… that too, but…!" Lori shook her head, blushing. "Ugh! Don't ask questions you already know the answers to, you weirdo!"

They reached the head of the stairs – but Leni blocked their path.

"Leni, get out of the way, already!" Lori said.

"Okay, Lori! In a sec!" Leni replied, clueless as ever. She looked past her sister to Lincoln. "So, like, my friends said that because you're my brother, just because you said you love me, that kinda doesn't make you my boyfriend…?" It seemed as though she herself was unsure if that was meant to be a statement or a question.

In any case, Lori answered for Lincoln. "Yeah, and they're 'kinda' right! Now, move it!"

She rudely shoved Leni aside, but before she could drag Lincoln down the stairs, Leni grabbed his hand.

"But… You still feel the same way, right, Lincoln?" Leni asked hopefully.

Feel the same way about what? Lincoln thought. By now thoroughly frazzled, he didn't really think her question or his answer through. "Uh… sure?"

"Yay!" Leni wrapped her arms around Lincoln's neck and hugged him. "I love you, Lincoln!"

"Uh… I love you too, Leni," Lincoln said for the second time that day. Suddenly, Lori pried Leni's arms off of Lincoln, and got right up in his face.

"No. No, you don't," she snarled. That only confused Lincoln more. What did she mean by that?

Just as Lori was about to take him down the stairs again, Luna grabbed Lincoln by the sleeve – and it was at this point that Lincoln's much-abused polo began to tear.

"Yo, bro!" Luna said. "Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song – and I'll try not to sing out of key! It's a love ballad…"

"A… love ballad?" Why would Luna want to sing me a love ballad? Lincoln wondered.

Lori let go of her brother's shirt, marched over to Luna's amp, and twisted all the dials down to zero – just as she was beginning to jam.

"Aw, what?" Luna complained."Again?! Come on, dudes, be careful! This stuff is expensive…"

"Lincoln isn't going to listen to your loud, annoying music, Luna," Lori said.

"What?! Why not?!" Luna asked.

"Because he's going to the mall – with me."

"Well, why can't I just borrow him for, like, five more minutes?"

"Because I said so." Lori smirked, deciding to play her trump card. "If you take issue with that… then maybe I'll tell Mom and Dad about how you disobeyed me."

Luna narrowed her eyes. "Oh, so that's how it is, is it?" She took off her guitar, leaned it against the wall, and stared Lori down. "Fine. You do that… and maybe I'll tell them about how you abused your authority to do whatever you want."

Lori wasn't intimidated. "Ha! You think they'll believe you over me?"

"No, but they might believe me and Leni! Right, Leni?"

"Right!" Leni said confidently. Then she looked confused. "Wait… what are we talking about?"

Luna facepalmed.

Meanwhile, Lincoln tried to sneak back to his room, put off by how weird his sisters were acting. But Luan – who was hiding in Lola and Lana's room, for some reason – popped out and stopped him.

"Hey, Lincoln!" she said. "How do sibling marriages go?"

Sibling marriages…?! Lincoln thought. "…What?"

"Without a 'hitch'! Hahahahaha! Get it?"

Lori recognized Luan's annoying laughter as soon as she heard it. Seeing her with Lincoln, she immediately turned her attention from Luna to her.

"Luan!" she shouted.

"What?"

"What are you doing with Lincoln?"

"He looked a little tired, so I thought I'd tell him a joke to raise his spirits," Luan explained.

"He doesn't need his spirits raised – least of all by you," Lori said, clutching Lincoln possessively. "He's spending time with me, after all."

"Oh, right, because you're constantly thinking about his needs…"

Lori pushed Lincoln behind her. "What are you saying?"

Luan shrugged. "Oh, nothing… except that if you were an animal, you'd be 'a little shellfish'! Hahahahaha!"

"HEY! I care about Lincoln just as much as you do!"

"Oh, relax, Lori! Don't be so 'crabby'!"

As Luan laughed, Lori sputtered with incomprehensible rage, and Luna tried to convince Leni to help her overthrow Lori, Lynn snuck up on Lincoln and put him in another chokehold.

"Hey, Lincoln," she said, "how about another round of 'wrestling'? I've still got a lot of moves to show you…"

"Wrestling? Uhhh… You're not gonna pee on me, are you?" Lincoln asked.

"What? No!" Lynn scratched her cheek. "Well, maybe…"

"Lincoln."

Lucy's unexpected presence once again startled Lynn, who released Lincoln in the shock.

"I wrote you another poem, Lincoln," Lucy said. "It's called, 'Density'."

"Lucy!" Lynn said, incensed. "Would you stop sneaking up on me like that?!"

"It's not my fault I lack presence…"

"Um, yeah! It kind of is!"

"Oh, dear. Guys, please – huh?" Just as Lincoln was about to break up the argument, he felt a gloved hand holding his left one. Upon inspection, it turned out to be Lola.

"Hey, Lincoln, listen," she said, "I know I can be a mean girl, but… Even when I'm at my meanest, you're still nothing but nice to me. I just want you to know that… I really appreciate that." She smiled up at him.

"Wha…?" Before Lincoln could properly respond, he felt a grimy hand holding his right one. Of course, the only person it could have belonged to was Lana.

"Lincoln," she said, "I know I can be a dirty girl, but… Even when I'm at my dirtiest, you still love me for who I am. I… I really appreciate that, Lincoln." She looked up at him solemnly.

"Hey!" Lola said, tugging Lincoln towards her. "Lana, this is my emotional moment!"

"Come on, Lola!" Lana said, tugging Lincoln towards her. "How often do I get an emotional moment?!"

"Back off!"

"You back off!"

"Everyone back off!" Lori yelled. She grabbed Lincoln, pulling him out of the twins' clutches. "Come on, Lincoln, you're coming with me!"

"Hey!" Luna pulled him away from her. "He's coming with me!"

Lynn pulled him away from Luna. "No, he's coming with ME!"

Soon, all the sisters were arguing heatedly over who would get to spend the rest of the day with Lincoln - and Lincoln, caught in the middle of it all, was as confused as can be. He shouted "What is going on?!" out loud – but his sisters were too busy fighting over him to listen to him.

Lincoln backed away from the crowd. He couldn't say why, but he felt like the situation was somehow becoming dangerous for him. That's when he felt a crumpled-up ball of paper hit the back of his head. Turning around, he saw that Lisa, peeking out from behind her door, had thrown it. Lisa beckoned to him, inviting her into her room. Lincoln, not knowing her intentions but grateful for the chance to get away from his other sisters, quietly sneaked over and slipped inside. Lisa locked the door behind her.

(…)

"We should be shafe in here," Lisa said.

Finally, Lincoln had the chance to see what Lisa had been hiding from him. Looking around the room, though, he found that nothing much had changed. The only major change he could see was that Lily's crib had been moved, and there was a strange metal chair where it used to be, with a control panel with various switches and buttons on it across the room from it. How Lisa was able to build such a thing so quickly, and without anyone noticing, was beyond him, but he chalked it up to her genius mind.

Lisa pointed at the chair. "Pleashe shit there, Lincoln," she said.

Lincoln gasped. "What?!... Oh, you said 'sit'. Okay. All right."

Lisa adjusted her glasses. "Yesh. What did you think I shaid?"

"Um… Nothing. Never mind."

Lincoln didn't know where Lisa was going with this, but out of gratitude for sheltering him, he complied. Lisa walked over and adjusted his sitting position.

"Head back, armsh on the armreshtsh, legsh jusht sho… That'sh it…" After she was satisfied with her adjustments, she walked over to the control panel and pushed a button. Metal restraints shot out of the chair, wrapping around Lincoln's head, wrists, and ankles.

"Hey! What the –?!" Lincoln strained and struggled to free himself, to no avail. "Lisa! What is this?!"

"Apologiesh, Lincoln," Lisa said, "but I cannot have you shquirming for what I am about to do."

"…What? What are you going to do? …Lisa? What are you doing with that? Lisa?"

"Hold shtill…"

"Ah…!"

Lincoln winced as the needle pricked his skin, burrowed through his flesh, and buried itself in a vein. Lisa pulled the plunger, drawing blood into the syringe, and then removed the syringe, using a cotton ball to blot the small bead of blood forming. She then crossed over to her table, took an empty test tube, and emptied Lincoln's blood into it.

Lisa opened a small case on the table, and it was packed with pre-prepared pipettes, each filled with an unknown liquid. She took the first one, labeled "1", and turned to Lincoln.

"Now," she said, "the experiment can begin."

She squeezed the pipette gently, dropping a single drop of the liquid into the blood sample. She studied the blood carefully, looking for something, but nothing happened. The blood was much the same as it was before. She put the "1" pipette back, and dropped a droplet from the "2" pipette into the sample. Again, no change. Lisa went down the line of pipettes, carefully examining the blood each time, but nothing ever happened. After using all the pipettes, Lisa sighed and hung her head.

"I don't undershtand…" she whispered.

Lisa returned the test tube containing his blood to the holder, and took out another one – the one containing his sweat, from earlier. Once again, she went down the line, dropping droplet after droplet into the sweat and looking for any change. When the "13" pipette was used, the sweat suddenly turned pink, and started bubbling furiously.

Lisa blinked. Then, a jubilant smile appeared on her face. "Eureka."

"What…? What is it?" Lincoln asked.

Lisa folded her arms behind her back, and adopted a professional expression. "Lincoln," she said, "I believe I owe you an explanation."

You can say THAT again… Lincoln thought.

"Contrary to what I shaid thish morning, I did not go to shchool to prepare a preshentation on the color blue, ash you might have guesshed. In fact, I did not go to shchool at all, today."

"What?! Lisa, you can't just skip school like that!"

"Schienche musht come firsht, Lincoln. Ash I wash shaying, I inshtead went to the local library to shtudy the posshible caushesh of our shiblingsh' bizharre behavior. Through a combination of intenshive reshearch and obshervation of our shiblingsh' behavior thish morning, I narrowed the lisht of posshible caushesh down to a few candidatesh – and now, thanksh to your help, I have my anshwer."

"Really? What is it?" Lincoln asked.

"Androshtenone."

"Andro… what?"

"It'sh a human pheromone."

"A what?"

Lisa sighed, once again annoyed with her sibling's ignorance. "A pheromone," she explained, "ish a neurochemical deshigned to trigger a chertain reshponshe in an individual of the shame shpeciesh, though not nechessharily the shame gender. Are you shtill with me, Lincoln?"

"Yes…"

"Thish particular pheromone is called 'androshtenone', and it ish a male shex pheromone that caushesh femalesh to become shexually attracted to the male shecreting it – in thish cashe, you."

"Huh?! Me?!" Lincoln exclaimed.

"Thish particular shample ish highly conchentrated androshtenone. Very potent, but only preshent in shmall amountsh. It would take prolonged exposhure over an extended period of time to take effect – overnight, if my calculationsh are correct (and they alwaysh are). However, onche it doesh take effect, it ish strong enough to activate the shex drives of prepubeshcent females, and override the inchesht taboo."

"'Incest taboo'? 'Sex drives'? Lisa, what does this have to do with our sis –" Lincoln's eyes went wide, and his jaw dropped. Slowly, his mind began to put the pieces of the puzzle together, no matter how badly his heart didn't want to. "O-Oh… no…"

"Oh, yesh," Lisa said flatly.

"Are… are you saying… th-that they… want to have –"

Lisa cut him off. "Yesh, Lincoln."

"But – But they – B-But we – But – But – But I – W-We – We can't – I mean – We're – But – I – Th –" Lincoln spluttered rapidly, his mind a flurry of emotions – mostly shock and disgust. Every single strange thing each of his sisters had done all day suddenly started to make sense – in the worst way possible.

Finally, Lincoln shut his eyes, shook his head violently (or he would have, if he could have), and screamed:

"OH… THAT'S… GROSS!"

"Indeed…" Lisa said dryly. "And that'sh not all."

Lincoln reluctantly cracked one eye open. "There's more?"

Lisa held up the "13" pipette. "Thish ish a reagent shyntheshizhed by me, deshigned to react to androshtenone," she said. "It reacted to your shweat, but not your blood. The only logical explanationfor thish that occursh to me ish that, sheeing ash how the shudoriparoush, or shweat, glandsh are not a part of the endocrine shyshtem, the pheromone originated from an outshide shourche."

"An 'outside source'? What 'outside' –!" Lincoln gasped as he came to a realization. My wish! he thought. It's GOT to be! Ohh, WHY do these things always end up going so wrong, yet also so right at the same time?!

Lincoln sighed heavily. What sort of mess had he gotten himself into this time? "Well… thanks for telling me all that, Lisa," he said. "It's a good thing you're not affected, huh?"

"I'm afraid you're quite mishtaken," Lisa said, as she walked over to the control panel. "I merely wished to shatishfy my curioshity." She pulled a switch, which caused the chair to convert to a table, stretching Lincoln out flat.

"I've been affected the entire time."

Lincoln's heart nearly stopped. "…What, now?"

Lisa climbed up onto the table, straddling Lincoln's chest and bringing her bespectacled blushing face close to his.

"Kissh me, Lincoln."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

(…)

Lincoln's screaming was loud enough to reach the ears of his other sisters, who had ceased their arguing when they realized he was gone and were looking for him around the house. They heard his voice coming from Lisa's room, and they immediately realized what was happening. Regrouping outside the door, they burst through just as Lisa was about to kiss a very unwilling Lincoln on the lips.

"LISA!" they all shouted angrily.

Lisa recoiled. "Gah…!"

"What do you think you're doing?" Lori growled.

Lincoln smiled. "Oh, good – my other sisters are here!" he said to you.

"I love you, Lincoln!" Leni shouted, waving.

Lincoln's smile fell. "Oh, no – my other sisters are here!"

"I want him first!"

"No, I do!"

"Me!"

"MOVE IT!"

Lincoln's sisters piled into the room and surrounded him, pushing Lisa off of him and yanking him off the table… or rather, they tried to, but his metal restraints were too strong.

"Ugh. How do we get him out of this thing?" Lori said.

"I got this!" Leni walked over to the control panel and started pulling switches and pushing buttons in rapid succession, completely at random. The result was that the chair ended up spazzing out, stretching, squeezing, crushing, twisting, and bending Lincoln's body and limbs in ways that they were not supposed to while the sisters could only watch and wince.

"Oh, for Pete'sh shake!" Lisa pushed Leni away and pressed a big red button that Leni had somehow missed. The chair returned to its original position and retracted the restraints. Lincoln's relief was short-lived – as soon as he was free, his sisters grabbed him and started pulling him in all different directions, each trying to take him all to herself.

Lucy was the first to get him away from the others as they fought amongst themselves. "Lincoln," she said, "you are the fire that brings light to my dark soul."

But Lynn grabbed Lincoln from behind, and although Lucy held on as tightly as she could, Lincoln's shirt gave way – leaving Lucy holding two scraps of orange cloth. "Oh, lay off, Luce!" Lynn said. She pulled Lincoln in close. "Lincoln wants to be with a normal girl – like me." Just then, she accidentally broke wind. "Uh, heh heh… excuse me," she said, blushing and trying to fan the stench away.

Luna then grabbed Lincoln's sleeve and started pulling. Lynn grabbed the other one and held on tight, but it tore off, sending her flying backwards and Lincoln flying into Luna's arms.

"Ooh, powdered sugar!" Luna said, running her finger under Lincoln's chin, turning his head upwards to face her. "How come you taste so good?"

Freaked out, Lincoln struggled to free himself from Luna's grip. His other sleeve came off in Luna's hand, and he stumbled backwards… into Luan's waiting arms.

Luan hugged Lincoln tightly. "Oh, 'brother'… Hahahahaha! Get it?"

Then Lori grabbed Lincoln by the collar and tugged him away from Luan, who was left holding most of his shirt's backside. Lori hoisted her brother in the air, kicking and struggling, and brought him up to her level.

"Grr... It's you, alright?!" Lori confessed. "The 'someone else' is you! N-now, give your big sister a kiss…"

Lori closed her eyes and puckered her lips, and Lincoln closed and pursed his, whimpering. As she planted a kiss on his unwilling lips, Lana jumped up and grabbed Lincoln by the legs. Gravity did the rest of the work for her, and Lincoln dropped back down to the ground as the tattered remains of his shirt completely fell apart in Lori's hands.

What followed was a free-for-all, as each sister kissed Lincoln and/or fought the other sisters for the right to kiss him. It was a flurry of kicks, kisses, and punches, but as the dust settled, Luna realized that someone very important had disappeared.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dudes! DUDES! COOL IT!" she shouted. The girls briefly stopped fighting each other, and as they caught their breath, saw that Lincoln was nowhere to be seen.

"Where did he go?" Luna asked.

The answer: During the chaos, Lincoln had managed to slip out while all of his sisters were distracted fighting each other and run down the stairs. He was now standing in the dining room, his back pressed against the wall bordering the staircase. Lincoln's face was covered in kissy marks, and he had been stripped down to his underwear.

Lincoln gasped for breath. "… I wanted my sisters to love me," he told you, "but not like THIS!"

He heard his sisters calling for him upstairs, and he tried to stay quiet. Suddenly, he heard babbling, and something hugging his leg. It was Lily; she was asking to be carried. Lincoln picked up his baby sister, shushing her. As he tried to listen for his other sisters, he felt Lily plant a wet, sloppy kiss on his cheek.

Lincoln held his baby sister at arm's length. "Oh, Lily," he moaned, "not you, too!"

Lily cooed and giggled.

"Hey, did you hear that?" someone upstairs said. Lincoln quickly covered his mouth, but the damage was already done.

"It came from downstairs!"

"Let's go!"

Lincoln put Lily back down, and decided he could try to slip out the back door and escape. He tiptoed into the kitchen…

…and nearly jumped out of his skin when found his sisters there, having somehow materialized behind him.

Lincoln gulped. All of them were leering at him. He laughed nervously.

They laughed slyly.

He took one step backwards.

They took two steps forwards.

There was an awkward pause…

… and then Lincoln turned and ran out the front door as fast as his legs could carry him, screaming at the top of his lungs. Lynn shouted "GET HIM!", and all of Lincoln's sisters chased after him with amorous intentions.

Except Lily.

Because Lily was just a baby.

(…)

As Lincoln ran by Mr. Grouse's house in his underwear, his curmudgeonly old neighbor stuck his head out the window.

"Hey, Loud!" he yelled. "You makin' a fashion statement, or somethin'?"

"I so do not have time for this!" Lincoln yelled back as he ran down the street, his sisters not far behind. Mr. Grouse watched them go, then shook his head and went back inside, shutting the window. Whatever crazy shenanigans the Louds were involved in this time, it wasn't his problem.

Lincoln kept running down the street, but his sisters were hot on his tail.

"Lincoln, come back!"

"Where are you going?"

"I just want to hold you, Lincoln!"

"Don't you love your big sis?"

"Come here, Lincoln…"

"Come to me, my dashing prince!"

"C'mon, Linc, it'll be fun!"

"Just let me kiss you one more time!"

"Lincoln, I love you!"

"Lincoln!"

"Lincoln!"

"LINCOLN!"

Lincoln started panting. He had a head start on them, but he couldn't keep running forever, and he doubted his sisters would give up on him anytime soon. If he didn't do anything, sooner or later, they were going to catch him.

Oh, why did I ever make that stupid wish?! Lincoln thought. And then it hit him. The wish! Of course! If I can get back to the park, then I can wish all of this back to normal!"

Lincoln looked at the street signs, and knew which way to go. He turned a corner, then jumped a fence, let his frenzied sisters pass him by, then backtracked to the corner and ran in the opposite direction. That should buy me some time, he thought. After a few blocks, however, Lincoln suddenly felt an intense burning sensation in his calf, and he tripped and fell.

"OW! Charley horse!" he cried, clutching his leg in pain. As he massaged his leg, trying to get it working again, an old lady walked up to him and grabbed him by the earlobe, painfully pulling him to his knees.

"Young man," the old lady said, "where are your clothes? And for that matter, where are your manners? Have you no sense of decency? Honestly, kids these days! So wild and loose and uninhibited…"

As the old lady rambled on, Lincoln saw a cloud of dust being kicked up in the distance – and knew right away that it was his sisters. "U-Um, ma'am?" he said. "Could you please scold me later? I really have to get going…"

But as Lincoln tried to slip away, the old lady grabbed his arm. "Oh, no you don't, you little whippersnapper! I'm not through with you yet! Honestly, you young'uns have no respect – for your elders, or for yourselves! What with all your premarital, free-lovin' ways… Why, if I had shown even half as much skin in public as you are now when I was your age, I'd have been called a –"

"Hussy!"

"Yes, that's right – Huh?"

The old lady turned around to see Lincoln's sisters glaring daggers at her. "You heard me," said Lori, seething. "Get your hands off of him – that's MY man!"

The other sisters, sharing the same sentiments, jumped on the old lady and began beating the tar out of her. Although Lincoln was horrified by the scene, he dared not intervene. Instead, he started running again, and seeing him go, Lola shouted, "HEY! He's getting away!" Everyone decided that catching Lincoln was the top priority, and ran after him, although Lynn lingered to crouch over the broken old lady on the ground and point at her.

"This isn't over," she said through gritted teeth, and ran to catch up with her sisters.

Lincoln jumped fences and threw down obstacles, desperately trying to gain distance on his sisters as he began to run out of stamina. As he ran, he went over his plan again. Alright, he thought, all I have to do is make a wish for – Lincoln's train of thought stopped, as he realized a glaring oversight in his plan. A coin! I need a coin! Why did they have to take off my pants…?

He was coming up to a familiar-looking house, and realized it was the McBride residence. Clyde was outside, watering the lawn.

"Clyde!" Lincoln shouted.

Clyde looked up. "Oh, hey Linc –" He went wide-eyed as Lincoln ran up to him. "Uh… why are you naked?"

"No time! I need to borrow a coin!" Lincoln said, hopping back and forth.

"A coin?"

"NOW, CLYDE!"

"Ah…! O-Okay, here!" Clyde reached into his pocket and handed his best friend a nickel.

"Thanks!" Lincoln called as he ran away. "I'll pay you back!"

"There he goes!" yelled a voice that was very near and dear to young Clyde's heart.

"L-L-L-LoriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Clyde turned around just in time to see his crush run towards him… and trample him, along with eight of her sisters. As he lay on the ground, he started bleeding from his nose.

And several other places.

Lincoln was starting to get really tired – but he couldn't give up just yet, as his sisters were closing in on him, and he was almost at his destination. He was coming up to an intersection – and the walking signal was starting to flash red. He used the last reserves of his energy for one final boost, pushing his legs to the limit and crossing the street – just in time. His sisters were not so lucky, and groaned in frustration and disappointment as they screeched to a halt on the curb.

"He's getting away!" Leni said.

"Thank you for your obshervation, dear shishter. Now, do you have anything helpful to add?" Lisa asked sarcastically.

"Hey, girls. Why did the Lincoln cross the road?" Luan asked.

"Huh?" and "What?" were the general responses.

"To get to the other side! Hahahahahaha! Get it? Get it?!"

No-one even graced that joke with a groan. "That was weak – even by your standards," Lucy said.

"Aaaaah!" Luan screamed. "I NEED MY MUSE! Forget traffic laws, just GO!"

And so the Loud sisters crossed the road to get to the other side – ignoring all the swerving cars, squealing brakes, honking horns, and profane drivers.

Lincoln's muscles were on fire, and he was starting to see bright colors exploding in his head. He was nearly about to give out… when he saw the entrance to the park just up ahead. I made it! he thought, as he checked to make sure he still had the nickel. Holding it to his chest, he told himself, Okay – I have to be as specific as possible!

As soon as he reached the fountain, he sat on the lip and started sucking in air for several precious seconds – he had to catch his breath, or he would faint. When he stopped feeling dizzy, Lincoln stood up, faced the rushing water, and prepared to make his wish.

"Lincoln!"

A chorus of voices made Lincoln's blood run cold. He didn't even bother to look – he just ran as far as the adrenaline boost allowed him, then evaded his sisters by burying himself in the sandbox. He sneaked back to the fountain, then prepared to make his wish again.

"I –"

"LINCOLN!"

His sisters had found him again. Using energy that he didn't have, Lincoln managed to outmaneuver them again – this time by hiding in a baby pram (although the baby's mother didn't appreciate it very much, showing her displeasure by walloping Lincoln with her handbag). Lincoln stumbled back to the fountain, and prepared to make his wish again.

"I wish –"

"LINCOLN!"

His sisters were relentless. Lincoln was forced to run on empty again, but this time, he was saved by an act of serendipity. As he desperately tried to hide behind the trunk of a tree, he heard Lori shriek. She had stopped the entire group dead in their tracks because she stepped in dog poop, getting it all over her new shoes. As Lori screamed "DOES ANYBODY PICK UP AFTER THEIR DOGS, ANYMORE?!", Lincoln took the opportunity to slink away.

He reached the fountain a fourth time, practically crawling. He was at the end of his rope, and he couldn't count on any more strokes of luck. It was now, or never. Lincoln gulped down one last breath of air, stood with shaking knees on the lip of the fountain, and shouted:

"IWISHMYSISTERSLOVEDMEINANON-ROMANTICANDNON-SEXUALWAY!"

"LINCOLN!"

Lincoln flicked the coin into the shimmering waters, and turned to see his sisters charging at him en masse. He stumbled, lost his footing, and fell backwards into the fountain – inches from his sisters' clutches.

He quickly resurfaced, coughing and sputtering, ready to start running again… only to find his sisters standing by the fountain, confused.

"Wha… What just happened?"

"Where are we?"

"What's going on?"

"What's that smell?"

"Lincoln?" Lori said. "What are you doing in there?"

"Going for a swim?" Lynn joked.

Lincoln sighed. "Guys," he said, "I have a confession to make. Last night, after… the 'incident', I was walking out here, and… and I was so angry and hurt that… I started to think… you didn't love me." He hung his head in shame.

"Aww, what are you saying, Lincoln?" Luan said.

"Of course we love you, bro!" Luna said. "I mean, you're our bro!"

"Yeah! I mean, we just have a weird way of showing it sometimes!" Lana said.

"We might tease and pick on you sometimes, but at the end of the day, you're our brother," Lynn said.

"Our one and only brother," Lola finished.

Lincoln sighed again. "Thanks, guys. I know that, now. I wish I'd known it last night. But I was feeling so torn up inside that… I came here… and I wished that you would love me."

"…What?" Lori said. "You 'wished'? You made a wish?"

All at once, the sisters burst out laughing at Lincoln, who – considering the alternative – actually welcomed the mockery. As the laughter died down, Leni wiped a tear out of her eye. "Ah… Lincoln, I know I'm kinda dumb," she said, "but even I know wishes aren't real!"

"So do I," Lola said, "and I'm only six! I mean, come on, Lincoln – if wishes came true, don't you think I'd be queen of the world by now?" She flipped her long, blonde hair.

All of Lincoln's reasoning suddenly fell apart. "B…But…" he stammered. "But… then what was all that about, earlier? W-When you were trying to hug me, and kiss me, and – wait, where did the pheromone come from, if not from my wish?!" He shook his head. "Seriously, I don't get it…!"

"I think I can explain."

Stepping up onto the lip of the fountain, Lisa took a test tube labelled "13" out of her pocket, uncorked it, and poured it into the fountain. The water turned pink, and started bubbling. (Lincoln, still sitting in the fountain, felt that it kind of tickled.) "Jusht ash I shushpected…" she said. "The pheromone originated from thish fountain'sh water."

"'Ferro-moan'? What's a 'ferro-moan'?" Leni asked.

"Shimply put, it'sh what made ush fall in love with Lincoln," Lisa explained. She turned to Lincoln. "Lincoln, did you, at any point in time lasht night, come into physhical contact with thish fountain water?"

"Uh…" Lincoln thought back to the night before. "Hey, yeah… Yeah, I did!"

"Then that explainsh everything. Without an individual shecreting it, the pheromone wash inert. When you came into contact with it, Lincoln, and it wash abshorbed into your shkin, our bodiesh were tricked into believing that you were shecreting it naturally, caushing ush to become attracted to you."

"Ohhh, I get it!" Leni said, smiling. "Except, like, not really…"

"She's saying, Leni," Luan said, "that 'love is in the air'! Hahahahaha! Get it?"

Lynn smiled at Luan. "That was an idiom, not a pun. Wait… how did the pheromone get into the fountain water in the first place?" she wondered.

"I believe I can explain that ash well," Lisa said. "There ish a chemical factory downtown owned by EROSh Indushtriesh. I often vishit it to purchashe chemicalsh for my experimentsh. The effluenche from the factory flowsh through a shewer line that intershectsh the pipeline that pumpsh water to thish fountain. Until it can be aschertained whether or not there ish a leak in the pipeline, I would hazhard to guessh that that ish where the pheromone contaminated the water."

"How do you know all this?" Lynn asked.

"I've memorizhed the entire Royal Woodsh shewer shyshtem, ash part of my reshearch for my fecal shtudy," Lisa said proudly.

"…Wow. You have a really unhealthy fascination with poop, don't you?"

"Oh… I get it, now!" Lincoln exclaimed. "It wasn't the wish; it was the water!" And as the revelation slowly began to creep up on him, his expression turned to one of horror.

"And I… just… dunked my… whole body… in it…"

Lincoln gulped as he took another look at his sisters. Their faces began to flush, they began breathing heavily, and they all crossed their legs, as though they had an itch. Some of them began to drool. One by one, a smile crept across each of their faces, and they all turned their eyes to their brother. Lincoln shuddered. At first, they had looked at him lovingly, and over time, longingly. But now, there was something fearsome in their eyes – something predatory.

"Heh… heh heh heh…" Lincoln nervously began to back away from his looming sisters, slowly gained his footing in the water, and suddenly, pushed himself up and ran for the southeast-facing side of the fountain – but Luna, Lucy, and Lisa cut him off.

"Where you goin', bro…?" Luna asked.

Frightened, Lincoln backed away, then turned to try to escape by the southwest-facing side of the fountain – but Lynn, Lana, and Lola got there first.

"You're not getting away THIS time…" Lola said.

Lincoln began to panic. He knew he had next to no chance, but it was the only chance he had left. He turned and ran to the north-facing side of the fountain – and sure enough, Lori, Leni, and Luan were waiting for him.

"I REALLY love you, Lincoln…" Leni whispered.

They started to advance on him. In utter desperation, Lincoln looked all around for an opening, but his sisters had the fountain completely surrounded. There was no way out. He was out of options, out of luck, and out of time.

Quivering, Lincoln looked at you despairingly, and whimpered:

"Help me."

And then his sisters pounced on him.

"No –! W-Wait! Stop, PLEASE! Don't – W…What are you doing? Oh, no – no, no, NO! We CAN'T! Please…! Please stop! Please! PLEASE! STOP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!..."