Was anything of the stuff that you've told me true?" Elsa asks me, her voice sounding hoarse from the crying. My own throat is sore, my eyes burning from the smeared mascara and eyeliner but apart from that I feel numb. I had been so scared of this moment and now that it was there it seemed even worse to me than I could imagine it.
"Why did you lie to me?" she croaks out, wiping her reddened nose on the wrinkled tissue between her hands.
"I was scared." I whisper. "I was so terribly scared."
Elsa sniffs again and starts rubbing up and down her forearms with her fingertips. I take a deep breath and hand her a blanket from the bed, carefully making sure not to startle her by touching her directly.
"Here, I don't want you to be cold."
"Thanks."
She wraps the blanket around her shoulders and for an awkward long time she doesn't speak at all. Her eyes move down from my face to my chest and eventually down to my crotch. I grab a pillow and place it on my lap, trying to hide the rising blush in my cheeks by using my long hair as some sort of shield.
"You were scared about how I was going to react." she stats, speaking so low that it's barely audible. "You were scared I would react badly, weren't you?"
"Yes, I was. I still wanted to tell you today. They all thought it would be the right thing to tell you."
"Who are they?"
"The people from my self-support group; we had a meeting today."
"I knew you weren't boring enough for a book club. Are the people in that group, are they all like you?"
"We're all a bunch of freaks that were born in the wrong body. Remember the red-head from the movie theatre – Vicky? She's also in it."
"Hmm, I still don't like it when someone lies to me. It makes me angry, especially if it's something important."
"Yeah, that was a stupid idea. I should have told you right away, but I couldn't. You were so utterly convinced I was female. It made me feel so…normal. I'm sorry for lying to you and also about how you found out about my secret."
"I'm sorry too." she whispers, standing up from the ground again. When she sits down on the bed and pets the place next to her, I hesitate.
"I'm sorry for how I yelled at you when I noticed…well, when I noticed thatthing. I'm not a really a member of the penis fan club."
"Neither am I. And I'm the one who has to live with such a thing, every fucking day of my life." I mumble, slowly sitting down next to Elsa on the bed. A dry sob leaves my mouth and when I gasp for air I taste a bitter mixture of make-up and tears on the tip of my tongue.
Then, suddenly I'm in Elsa's dainty arms, the blanket around both of us like a tight cocoon. She hums against my ear and I cry and cry until I'm completely exhausted.
"I'm sorry, Anna. I probably made everything worse for you with how I reacted. I'm really sorry."
"I've had worse." I mumble. "Tanya made a pretty ugly scene when Keistoff told her I'm transgender."
"Did you kiss his wife too?"
"That witch? No, of course not. She isn't even my type."
"Am I your type?"
"I don't think that matters anymore." I tell her, standing up from the bed. I walk into the kitchen and splash some water into my face before pulling a carton of milk out of the fridge. My eyes catch my reflection in the window above the sink and I shrug back. Crap, I look like trash.
"I hate that you always drink the milk from the box. That's totally unhygienic."
I turn around and nod my head before grabbing two glasses from the cupboard. When I hand Elsa hers, my hands are trembling again. God, I'm so nervous around her. I can't handle this.
"You are wrong." she stats, taking a first sip from the milk. "It does matter if I'm your type or not. It matters to me."
I nod my head, drinking down the entire content of my glass in one thirsty gulp.
"When you told me you think me pretty was that also a lie?"
"No, that was the truth." My dry lips curl up into a weak smile and when Elsa smiles back at me, a wave of calming warmth spreads through my body. She wouldn't smile at me like that if she truly hated me.
"Can I ask you something? Why do you look so much like a woman? You don't even have an Adam's apple."
Automatically my hand reaches up to my throat. "Surgery," I whisper nervously. "And I'm on a hormone treatment. Remember my insulin injections? In truth they are testosterone blockers."
"Testosterone blockers? Don't you need to take estrogen if you want to become a woman?"
"It's complicated. I'm on some estrogen pills too. The testo blockers are supposed to help them work better and prevent reactions…well, like the one that happened when you kissed me."
"Oh," she gasps, her face turning into a dark crimson color. "So, that was because of me?"
There is a slight hint of pride in her voice but I'm not completely sure about it. Maybe she just doesn't know what to say. This situation is so awkward. Should I ask her to move out? No, I don't want her to.
"Anna?
"I can't control my dick. It's a bit as if it has a brain of its own. But to answer your question; yes, it was because of you. Feeling you so close that was…a bit much. You are very attractive…physically I mean."
She leans back against the wall behind her, another smile, this time a shy one hushes over her pretty face. Her mascara is smeared all over her cheeks and still. Elsa is so incredibly beautiful to me.
It's in this moment that I realize how much she already means to me.
Was anything of the stuff that you've told me true?" Elsa asks me, her voice sounding hoarse from the crying. My own throat is sore, my eyes burning from the smeared mascara and eyeliner but apart from that I feel numb. I had been so scared of this moment and now that it was there it seemed even worse to me than I could imagine it.
"Why did you lie to me?" she croaks out, wiping her reddened nose on the wrinkled tissue between her hands.
"I was scared." I whisper. "I was so terribly scared."
Elsa sniffs again and starts rubbing up and down her forearms with her fingertips. I take a deep breath and hand her a blanket from the bed, carefully making sure not to startle her by touching her directly.
"Here, I don't want you to be cold."
"Thanks."
She wraps the blanket around her shoulders and for an awkward long time she doesn't speak at all. Her eyes move down from my face to my chest and eventually down to my crotch. I grab a pillow and place it on my lap, trying to hide the rising blush in my cheeks by using my long hair as some sort of shield.
"You were scared about how I was going to react." she stats, speaking so low that it's barely audible. "You were scared I would react badly, weren't you?"
"Yes, I was. I still wanted to tell you today. They all thought it would be the right thing to tell you."
"Who are they?"
"The people from my self-support group; we had a meeting today."
"I knew you weren't boring enough for a book club. Are the people in that group, are they all like you?"
"We're all a bunch of freaks that were born in the wrong body. Remember the red-head from the movie theatre – Vicky? She's also in it."
"Hmm, I still don't like it when someone lies to me. It makes me angry, especially if it's something important."
"Yeah, that was a stupid idea. I should have told you right away, but I couldn't. You were so utterly convinced I was female. It made me feel so…normal. I'm sorry for lying to you and also about how you found out about my secret."
"I'm sorry too." she whispers, standing up from the ground again. When she sits down on the bed and pets the place next to her, I hesitate.
"I'm sorry for how I yelled at you when I noticed…well, when I noticed thatthing. I'm not a really a member of the penis fan club."
"Neither am I. And I'm the one who has to live with such a thing, every fucking day of my life." I mumble, slowly sitting down next to Elsa on the bed. A dry sob leaves my mouth and when I gasp for air I taste a bitter mixture of make-up and tears on the tip of my tongue.
Then, suddenly I'm in Elsa's dainty arms, the blanket around both of us like a tight cocoon. She hums against my ear and I cry and cry until I'm completely exhausted.
"I'm sorry, Anna. I probably made everything worse for you with how I reacted. I'm really sorry."
"I've had worse." I mumble. "Tanya made a pretty ugly scene when Kristoff told her I'm transgender."
"Did you kiss his wife too?"
"That witch? No, of course not. She isn't even my type."
"Am I your type?"
"I don't think that matters anymore." I tell her, standing up from the bed. I walk into the kitchen and splash some water into my face before pulling a carton of milk out of the fridge. My eyes catch my reflection in the window above the sink and I shrug back. Crap, I look like trash.
"I hate that you always drink the milk from the box. That's totally unhygienic."
I turn around and nod my head before grabbing two glasses from the cupboard. When I hand Elsa hers, my hands are trembling again. God, I'm so nervous around her. I can't handle this.
"You are wrong." she stats, taking a first sip from the milk. "It does matter if I'm your type or not. It matters to me."
I nod my head, drinking down the entire content of my glass in one thirsty gulp.
"When you told me you think I'm pretty was that also a lie?"
"No, that was the truth." My dry lips curl up into a weak smile and when Elsa smiles back at me, a wave of calming warmth spreads through my body. She wouldn't smile at me like that if she truly hated me.
"Can I ask you something? Why do you look so much like a woman? You don't even have an Adam's apple."
Automatically my hand reaches up to my throat. "Surgery," I whisper nervously. "And I'm on a hormone treatment. Remember my insulin injections? In truth they are testosterone blockers."
"Testosterone blockers? Don't you need to take estrogen if you want to become a woman?"
"It's complicated. I'm on some estrogen pills too. The testo blockers are supposed to help them work better and prevent reactions…well, like the one that happened when you kissed me."
"Oh," she gasps, her face turning into a dark crimson color. "So, that was because of me?"
There is a slight hint of pride in her voice but I'm not completely sure about it. Maybe she just doesn't know what to say. This situation is so awkward. Should I ask her to move out? No, I don't want her to.
"Anna?
"I can't control my dick. It's a bit as if it has a brain of its own. But to answer your question; yes, it was because of you. Feeling you so close that was…a bit much. You are very attractive…physically I mean."
She leans back against the wall behind her, another smile, this time a shy one hushes over her pretty face. Her mascara is smeared all over her cheeks and still. Elsa is so incredibly beautiful to me.
It's in this moment that I realize how much she already means to me.