We don't go to sleep that night. Instead we sit in the kitchen and talk. I tell her everything about me and in a way it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. Elsa is very silent while she sits opposite of me but now and then another trail of tears trickle down her jaw.

"I hate your parents. I hate them for how they treated you."

"It's okay. This is just how things are. For them the situation is difficult too. They have lost their son."

"But they could have a daughter now, a wonderful, caring, warm-hearted daughter."

My face warms and I fight the instinctive urge to lean over the wooden kitchen table and kiss her again. She probably wouldn't like that.

"I'm still sorry." she whispers, pouring herself a glass of water.

"Don't have to be. I don't want anyone's pity. What I want is to be accepted as what I was always meant to be."

"Yes."

"I wished they wouldn't make it so difficult for me to get my surgery. If I'd get rid of my….well of that thing, everything would be so much easier."

Elsa starts biting off some purple nail polish from her fingernails and her cheeks turn from pink to a bright red before she speaks up again.

"And you will have like a real vagina down there once they are done with that surgery?"

"Well, that's what I hope for."

"And will you be able to feel with that…like normal? I mean like I do?"

"I don't know. But Erica says it was like an immense relief when she woke up again, as if she was reborn somehow."

"Erica is a woman from your group. Right?"

"Yes, she is."

I stand up from my chair and pull one of my testo blocker injections out of the fridge.

"I'll be right back." I mumble walking down to the bathroom. When I hear Elsa behind me, I turn around so abruptly that I drop my medication to the ground.

"Let me help you. I know how to give shots. Uncle Carter showed me how to do that."

Probably on an orange or something like that, I think, searching for some disinfectant spray in the bathroom cabinet.

I sit down on the edge of the bathtub and spray a bit of the disinfectant on my side. Elsa's fingers are warm against my hip and for a moment I'm so distracted by their gentle caress that I barely feel how the sharp needle breaks through my skin.

"See, already done. Do you want a band-aid?"

"Not necessary."

She pulls my shirt down again and for a split second it looks as if she's about to blow a kiss over the tiny wound in my skin. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

"You didn't have to do that." I whisper nervously.

"I know but I wanted to. I'm still so sorry for how I reacted. I probably made you feel bad when I did that. I hate narrow minded people so very much. But when I noticed that thing, it was just…just."

"A bit too much,"

"No, it's not like that. When I noticed that thing on you, it brought up some very unpleasant memories of something I thought I had already forgotten. I'm sorry for leashing that out on you."

"Can we just stop talking about it?"

"Sure, if that's what you want."

"Yes, I 'd prefer that. I think we should try to catch a bit of sleep now. Good night, Elsa."

"Can I stay in your room?"

"With me?" my voice cracks and comes out way too high and shrill.

"I don't want to be alone. But if you don't want my company, I totally understand."

We end up in my bed together, a thick layer of blankets between us. Elsa nuzzles her face against my shoulder from behind and I feel shivers running down my spine as her lips brush over the spot right underneath my earlobe.

"Don't,"

"Doesn't it feel good." she whispers, teasing the shell of my ear with the tip of her tongue.

I can already feel myself getting hard again. Damn it. This medication is completely useless. Try to think of something not sexy. God, this is not working when she's so close to me.

"Try to sleep, Elsa."

"I'm not tired."

"But I am. So, please stop making me nervous and let me sleep a bit."

"I'm making you nervous?"

I nod my head and press another pillow on my throbbing dick. I wished I had some ice to put on it. That would sure as hell help with my hard-on.

"Yes, you do."

"Do you like me, Anna? I mean like really like me?"

"Go to sleep."

"But I need to know."

"Elsa, I'm going to sleep on the couch if you don't stop talking. It doesn't matter how I feel about you. I know we can't be together."

"Why?" she asks, suckling my earlobe between her front teeth to nibble it.

"Because it would be so complicated. It's obvious that you are not really fond of my manly parts and as it might take another few months until my loser of a therapist signs my papers—"

"Maybe we could just ignore them."

Oh Elsa, you are so naïve. How can I ignore this painful erection?

I stand up, trying desperately to hide it when I walk towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Peeing,"

"You take your pillows with you when you go to pee? That's gross."

"Oh Elsa, please, you are embarrassing me with all your questions."

I rush to the bathroom and drop out of my sweats my and shirt. The water of the shower is so icy when I press it directly on my erection that I hiss though my teeth to keep me from screaming. The pain that hits me like a zillion of needle stitches is awful but still, I stay right where I am until my entire body is shivering from the cold