Chapter 2
Fair warning -This chapter involves a fair amount of "grossness" so if you have a weak stomach, might want to skip this! (Especially if you're eating your Easter dinner of ham right now!)
Crouching flat footed next to his patient and trying hard not to breathe in too much of the dust swirling about, Roy DeSoto wondered if the day was going to just keep getting better and better. First of all, it was Saturday, and while he usually grumbled about working on a weekend day, today was an exception. He was seriously glad to be at work on this weekend day.
For today JoAnne's brother was getting married on very short notice. While he actually liked the guy pretty well and wouldn't have minded being in attendance at the fall nuptials, it obviously meant that the mother - in - law would be there. Since there had not been enough advance notice to get the day off or find a replacement, he had slid right past any of the usual family fireworks. So JoAnne and the kids, his wife and young daughter prettily garbed in dresses, white gloves, and some kind of matching colored hats, and his sulking son Christopher outfitted in a grey suit, would be making the short jaunt to the church without him.
He had to admit, though, that he felt sorry for his poor wife, who was going to have to bear the wrath of her mother when she realized her precious daughter was attending an important family event without an escort and had been abandoned by her good for nothing spouse. He had no doubts however, that Anne would stand up for both herself and her working husband with her usual stubbornness and keep her overbearing mother in line. He thought back to his shift start several hours ago….
~eeeEEEeee~
A good mood hovering about him, he strolled into the station with a good twenty minutes to spare. After changing and bragging to John about his good luck, he headed into the break room whistling. He snagged a rich cup of coffee and even partook of his second breakfast. The departing shift had left omelets laden with gooey cheese, mushrooms, bacon, and just enough jalapeños to give the food a delicious, spicy edge. Well, maybe more peppers then was necessary but the chaser of milk had cut down on the fieriness that threatened to overtake him during roll call; he absolutely had no regrets.
Even being assigned to hang hoses didn't dampen his high spirits in the slightest; he simply asked Johnny to climb the tower so that he could remain safely on the ground with easy access to the latrine in case his stomach rebelled. After all, the weather was beautiful, his smirking partner was helping him, and somewhere in a hotel room his mother - in - law was girding herself in the formidable armor of a matronly dress, white pearls, and sensible shoes; this time he wouldn't have to play the sacrificial dragon to keep peace within the family. Yes indeed, what a glorious day to be at work.
"How come your mother - in - law isn't staying with you?" John asked, peering down from his perch on top of the rack.
The grin, that hadn't left DeSoto's face since his alarm in the pleasing shape of his wife had went off several hours ago, stretched even wider at the question. "She wanted to stay at the hotel with the rest of the wedding party, no doubt to get to know her future daughter better."
"Huh," was the quick witted response from above. Roy paused a moment to see if any more questions were going to fly in his direction but only a hose being yanked upwards met his silence. Apparently Gage had dried up his curiosity, for the moment anyways.
Then again, maybe he hadn't, as another query plopped into the quiet. "So…..what's her name?"
Roy couldn't help his furtive glance about, as if an evil presence had entered the cement covered yard. "Um, that would be Ruth."
There was a thunk as Johnny dropped the last three feet of his descent from the tower instead of using the traditional method of feet and hands adhering to metal. He wiped his hands on his pants and grinned. "She sounds pretty benign."
An incredulous snort met the comment. "Her name doesn't do her justice, believe me. Once you meet her, you'll see what I mean."
"Roy, women of all ages like me, you just wait and see," he boasted, slapping his hand against his chest.
"John, you already have one strike against you; no, make that two strikes," Roy warned, rolling his eyes and shaking his head before heading into the garage with Johnny tagging after him like an eager puppy.
"What do you mean two strikes? I've never even met the woman, how could she dislike me already?"
Roy held up two fingers and bent one down. "Number one, you're my partner - so by association and the fact she knows what your name is - she already doesn't like you."
He folded down the second finger. "Number two is that you're a firefighter which tops her list as an attention getting, idiotic, lame brained career choice. Oh wait, she doesn't consider our job a career, just a little boy's dream being fulfilled."
Johnny's mouth gaped open in surprise; he recovered and shot his partner a sympathetic look. "Wow, you're right she does seem pretty ahhh…nasty?"
"That's one thing you could call her," DeSoto muttered, mentally trying to grab for the last shred of good mood that was rapidly slipping away. He gave an exaggerated shake of his upper body, inhaled a huge breath, and then let it out slowly as he cleared his mind.
"That work for ya?" Johnny queried in interest, leaning on the squad and watching with bright eyes.
"Yup, it sure does," Roy replied calmly, a smile twisting his lips upwards as he realized it had indeed. The klaxons rang calling out the paramedics to a call and the child was rescued from his perch within a neighbor's tree house with a minimum of fuss. He didn't even care when his partner slid behind the wheel of their truck and took over the driving; he was content to sit back and watch the world go by as they cruised back to the station.
Another call for both them and the engine this time diverted them from the path homewards. It was on the edge of their territory and Roy had to peruse their map book to find the road they needed. They had barely made the turn onto the dirt road when they came upon the accident scene. Both men shot astonished looks at the herd of cows milling about the barely discernible surface of the street before ejecting out of the cab and grabbing their gear.
There was only one car visible within the black and white mass of lowing animals; the right front fender of a brown Cadillac was jammed up against the metal post of a fence. They trudged quickly through the dusty surface, heading in the direction of the back of the finned car and towards the opened driver's door. As they hustled, they heard the comforting rumble of the Crown. Mike Stoker unerringly parted the sea of cows alongside of them, herded them ahead, and parked the red beast as close as he could to the back of the damaged vehicle.
"Wow, sure am glad to see you guys," a disembodied voice sighed, floating up from the front seat as they pushed past a curious cow and reached the door. Roy bent over and ducked his head to peer inside the car.
A middle aged man was slumped wearily over the steering wheel, holding a hand to the cut on the bridge of his nose and fumbling with his still attached seatbelt. Roy deftly unclicked it for him and after ascertaining that there were no other injuries, bandaged the cut and helped him out and to his feet. He walked him towards the side of the squad intent on getting him away from the cows, which appeared to be making the well-dressed man nervous.
They were about five feet away when the victim convulsively grabbed Roy's arm, tipped against him, and started a downward slide. DeSoto spun on his heel, shot his hands out, and heard the drop of boxes as Gage jumped to his assistance. Carefully they laid the man down on the well-trod, hoof churned surface of the road. As the paramedics' hands descended to obtain new vitals he opened his eyes and squinted blearily up at them.
"I passed out like a girl, didn't I?" He asked, trying to sit up but held in place by Roy's hand on his chest. "Well, it's not the first time. Usually the sight of blood will fell me instantly like a tree; I guess my brain just didn't make the connection until now."
He sheepishly held out his blood stained hand, averting his head so that he wouldn't see it again. DeSoto couldn't help the sigh of relief that it was nothing more serious and accepted the water soaked gauze Johnny handed over to him. He cleaned the businessman's face and then the hand and checked the vitals once more. Assured that his readings were all normal the relieved fellow refused treatment. Roy let the man slowly sit up, both of them closing their eyes to keep out the dust wafting over them as Gage lugged the equipment back to the squad.
And that was how wonderful the day had been going, Roy mused, not bothering to hide his smile of contentment as the dust settled without harm to their eyes. He lingered in his crouched position for several more minutes, making sure Mr. Harold Binging was indeed fine before allowing him to clamber to his feet. A flick of the wrist showed that it was almost eleven, which meant that his little family would no doubt be getting ready to pile into the station wagon. With small kids in tow, it was always wise to be ready early as inevitable delays always seemed to make the extra minutes a moot point. Both he and Jo had learned that little lesson very quickly.
The sound of a dirt bike heralded the return of the young man who had rode for help; flashing lights indicated both the arrival of a sheriff's deputy and a tow truck. The paramedic released Mr. Binging in the direction of the teenager with the usual caution of calling his own doctor if further problems arose. Hands on his hips, Roy watched him stride purposefully away, hopefully to thank the kid, and then turned his attention to the engine crew of Station 51. They were climbing aboard the Crown, apparently finished with whatever they had needed to do with the mangled Cadillac.
Satisfied, he swung back around. Noting Gage's black booted feet and blue uniformed legs hanging downwards from the driver's side of the squad, he changed direction and detoured in a diagonal line towards the passenger door.
Squish, squish…he stopped abruptly at the alien sound and looked down in dismay at the very fresh pile of cow manure he had just stepped in. And not just with one foot, either; both feet were firmly entrenched in several piles of the odorous stuff. Stifling a loud groan, he sucked each foot up out of the mess and purposely dragged and scuffed his feet through the questionable material of rocks, dirt, and something else that made up the road.
"Good grief, Roy, what the heck are you doing?" The youthful, laughing voice trumpeted over the roof of their Dodge and Roy scowled towards the source. John obviously had heard the noise he had tried to cover up for he was peering over the top of their truck with a hand balancing him on either side and grinning like an idiot; the little twerp must be standing on the running board.
"Johnny, put a cork in it," he muttered under his breath, feeling an unaccustomed flush of heat rolling up his neck.
He was pretty sure that the exaggerated voice had carried beyond the several cows that were off to the side of him and doing the endless chewing bit they all did; there was no doubt that the humans, at least some of them, had heard the innocent sounding question. There was no way he was going to turn around and check. A moment later peals of laughter wafting from the open cab from the rear facing linemen confirmed his suspicions; of course the throaty purr of the Engine coming to life happened several seconds after that and wasn't in time to cover up the jarring brays of enjoyment.
He finished his crab like walk to the side of the road, deciding to just ignore the juvenile antics of his crewmates, and looked hopefully at the sparse clumps of weeds and funny looking grass that were thriving despite the lack of water.
"Probably got roots a mile long and sucking up the irrigation water from the fields," he theorized absently, trying to scrape off the dung on the hardy greenery. Only partly satisfied with the results, he dragged his feet over to the door, opened it, sat down on the edge of the seat, and bumped his boots against each other and the red painted metal of the running board.
"There's no place like home, there's no place like home," Johnny teased in a high pitched voice, giggling around the words spoken by Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. He turned the key in the ignition and waited for his partner to draw his legs in.
""Very funny," Roy answered, gingerly letting only his heels touch the mats so that there would be less area to clean.
"You know," Gage began, with the pitch of his voice warning of a memory about to surface. Roy stubbornly crossed his arms across his chest and wouldn't give his reminiscing partner the satisfaction of any kind of reply.
John glanced over at him, lips twitching in gleeful anticipation. "I had this dog once…"
He waited for a second, in vain, as DeSoto still wouldn't rise to the bait. "Well, that's what you kinda reminded me of when you were dragging your feet across the road; that dog used to scoot his butt across the grass…"
He was unable to finish the sentence because his laughter choked off whatever else he was going to describe; Roy thought it was a rather good description but wasn't about to admit to anything right now. He turned his head away to gaze blankly out the window to hide his amused reaction as the still snickering Gage finally got their truck onto the paved road.
When he had finally composed himself to turn his head, Johnny was still grinning and lost in his own world. Roy tipped his head back to rest on the glass behind him and let his thoughts wander in the direction of the wedding that should be getting under way shortly. The cow excrement adorning his shoes was just a minor setback in this glorious day and really, it wasn't the first time he had stepped in something unpleasant and surely wouldn't be the last. He finally let his own smile escape as he visualized the dreaded Ruth riding up the aisle of the church on the back of one those chewing cows and leaving cow patties in her wake instead of rose petals, or whatever it was, that the pretty little flower girls tossed about. Oh yes, life was grand wasn't it?
The radio erupted to life; another MVA and he acknowledged the call as he stretched an arm behind his partner and grabbed his helmet, then unhooked Gage's and handed it to him. Professional masks in place, they roared their way to the accident with the Crown close behind.
It was Vince Howard on the scene of this accident, which involved two cars this time. As Gage slid the squad to a smooth stop, Roy assessed the scene quickly and realized it was another fender bender. Instead of a car and a fencepost, however, this one involved the cars at a perfect right angle. From the casual attitude and movements of both the deputy and the other helpful bystanders, it didn't appear to be serious.
Noting Johnny's trotting to the left and the pickup truck, Roy veered slightly to the right and around the back bumper of the Ford to reach the side of the red MG. It appeared to be a repeat of the earlier incident; a guy was slumped over the wheel and holding a hand to his face.
"Sir?" He questioned, tapping on the closed window to get his attention before trying to open the door. The man jerked upright and then pushed the door open; Roy had to jump back to miss getting whacked in the legs.
"Hey," the victim answered calmly. It was a younger man this time, in his early thirties or so, with long blond hair and scruffy facial hair trying its best to form a beard. "Sorry about that man, you scared me."
He unfolded himself out of the low slung sports car, towering over Roy by four inches but thinner by at least twenty pounds. The paramedic stayed him with a cautionary hand, intent on checking him over. He introduced himself and asked the usual questions.
"I'm Tom and nah, man, I'm fine, just cracked my wrist on the steering wheel." He belched loudly, causing Roy to involuntarily lean back away from the fumes enveloping him in a noxious cloud. "Uh, crap, ate too much at that buffet and now it's coming back up on me…"
He rubbed his stomach, grinned, and obligingly followed the medic over to the new, box type ambulance which had just arrived. He sat quietly while his vitals were taken and covered his mouth when he burped again, earning a thankful look from Roy as he checked his wrist and the rest of his body.
"Looks like you broke it, but everything else seems fine. You'll need to go to the hospital to have it x-rayed….."
"Oh sure, sure, may as well take advantage of the wheels since it looks like mine is out of commission," he agreed, and after Roy splinted the wrist, climbed up into the back of the ambulance and dropped down with another burp onto the bench.
"Hey, Roy!" Roy turned at the sound of his name, and spied John heading his way, juggling a crying baby in his arms.
"Can you take this thing while I get his mom out? Theresa, she somehow got her foot wedged under the petals and I kinda need both hands…" he trailed off and thrust the screaming infant against Roy's chest, not waiting for an answer. Desoto shot his hands out and encircled the baby in his arms before Gage dropped the kid; he opened his mouth to berate his younger partner but Johnny was already loping away.
"This thing," he grumbled, patting the wailing banshee gently on the back and making soothing noises. There was a sudden intake of breath from the tyke, the crying ceased, and a huge burp equal to that of the male victim erupted from the baby's mouth. DeSoto smiled in satisfaction, confident that he hadn't lost his touch; the smile disappeared when an eruption of formula followed the stomach relieving belch and splatted against his shoulder and oozed downwards.
He kept his mouth closed this time and turned his head slightly to avoid smelling the sour stench of milk soaking through his shirt. Shifting the now quiet child, he paused when his hand encountered an ominous wet of another sort. Looking down he noticed his hand was encountering a very wet diaper through the thin material of the dress covering the kid's bottom.
"Gage, I'm going to kill you," he mumbled, trying to reposition the kid and being met with a different odor of a worse kind. He thwarted the strong urge to thrust the sweetly smiling baby away from him and instead turned to see what was happening with the mother and his soon to be strangled partner.
Luckily the duo was approaching, although he had to squint to make out that it was indeed a woman, and not a child. For the lady was tiny, not even reaching the lanky Gage's shoulder; she probably didn't weigh a hundred pounds soaking wet and with heels on, it was doubtful that she would even reach the staggering height of five foot tall. He looked at her again, and then peered inside the narrow confines of the vehicle he was standing by. Something was seriously backwards, he thought with a tiny spark of amusement. Here was a long string bean of a man driving a tiny car that he barely fit into, and there was a woman navigating a huge truck and probably having to use blocks on the petals. The world was often a strange place indeed.
The lady made strange cooing sounds over the happy state of her baby and apologized profusely for the combination of smells that were emitting from his uniform.
"I still can't get the hang of those pins," she lamented, correctly interpreting the strange look both paramedics gave her – the baby had to be at least two or three months old and she still couldn't get the diaper on correctly? "Rob, my husband, well his mother has been staying with us and she always changes my darling Gertrude. She's been an absolute gem."
A snicker of amusement sounded from behind DeSoto and he knew that John was making the comparison between his stories of Ruth and the lady's obviously well liked in law. He had to admit the same thoughts were flying through his mind as well; he just wished Gage would quit rubbing salt into his wounds.
He helped the lady up into the back, careful of her shoulder which was swathed in a sling, and holding the IV aloft that Johnny passed to him. She perched next to their male victim, exchanging pleasantries with him; the guy reciprocated with equal good cheer, both of them conveniently forgetting about their disabled vehicles being hosed down in front of them.
"An IV?" Roy asked out of the side of his mouth, lifting an eyebrow in puzzlement as Johnny next passed up a huge bag bulging with diapers and other baby paraphernalia, then a low sided, long basket with a cushion that seemed to be the baby's mode of transportation. Johnny waited until the woman had awkwardly settled the basket in front of her on top of the secured gurney and his counterpart had settled the baby in it and hooked her IV bag onto a hook before answering.
"Yeah, that's what I thought, for a dislocated shoulder, but it was that intern Morton that ordered it. Plus, she didn't really want her shot of MS delivered IM."
"Mr. DeSoto, do you think you could ride with us?" She giggled, holding up a pre-folded diaper and awkwardly trying to move the baby in the basket. Roy stared blankly at her for a second before comprehension dawned; she was assuming he had experience with kids and needed help changing the baby.
The woman giggled again, her pain killer obviously kicking in. "Sorry Johnny, you just don't strike me as the kind of guy that can manage this task."
"Oh, no problem, no problem at all." Gage was backing up, hands held up and a toothy grin warning Roy to stay in place. "I'll get your jacket, Roy, and the boxes, Chet is bringing those…"
He disappeared towards the squad, missing Roy's muttered "coward"; Roy stepped out of the sight of the occupants in the ambulance and gingerly peeled off his destroyed shirt. He held it away from him with one finger, while trying to unpin his badge, nametag, and paramedic pin without touching anything else.
Kelly meandered up, the door between them, and set the boxes down within the ambulance. He peered around the door and drew back his head in disgust. Wisely he held his tongue, but didn't bother concealing the look of disgust as Roy handed the shirt to him and asked him to take it with him.
"You owe me big time, DeSoto," Chet groused, holding the offending garment in front of him as he strolled towards the engine and the hose that was being reeled in. "Hold up with that line, Marco!"
"Tell me about it," the paramedic said to the departing back, and accepted with a scowl his blue jacket from his still grinning partner, who had swaggered up beside him. "You owe ME big time, John."
"Tell me about it," Gage parroted, making a hasty escape.
Roy sighed, slid all of his pins in his front pants pocket, donned and zipped the jacket, pasted on a small smile, and clambered into the ambulance across from the two patients. He noticed that neither of the attendants joined him in the back; they closed the doors and both got into the front.
"I really appreciate the help, Mr. DeSoto; I just knew you were a family man by the way you held Gertie."
He listened with only half of his attention as she droned pleasantly on, regaling both men with stories of her husband, baby, and sainted mother - in – law. His hands somehow remembered how to change a diaper, although he was unable to keep his face impassive as he removed the stinking cloth, cleaned and powdered the child, and somehow managed to get the pins in place without sticking the baby or himself. He was just thankful that the baby was indeed a girl, no matter what Gage had thought; he'd diapered his son enough times to know what the air did to the boy babies when they were laid bare. He didn't need any more liquid splashing him today. When he was finished he slid down the bench to the opposite corner to get away from the still reeking, plastic wrapped package he had deposited by the back doors.
The man sitting opposite him was rocking slightly, cradling his wrist. His eyes were closed with lips drawn into a tight line and DeSoto watched him a second, wondering if the adrenaline had faded and the pain had finally kicked in. He rose to his feet and turned his head to see where he had deposited his stethoscope; the now groaning guy lurched upwards and emptied the contents of his stomach in a cascade of thick fluid across the narrow bed and all over the half bent medic.
Roy recoiled back, smacking his back against the equipment on the wall. Tom threw up several more times, decorating the crisp white sheet of the gurney in front of him but thankfully it was not the projectile vomit that had sprayed Roy the whole length of his clean jacket. Sitting half on the bench, dumbfounded, Desoto held his hands away from him and felt his own stomach threatening mutiny. He swallowed convulsively, trying to will down the volcano that was ready to erupt.
"It was the ham, had to be the ham," Tom moaned from across the reeking gurney. Theresa had slid next to him and was tenderly wiping his face with a pink flannel burp cloth, whispering sympathetic words.
The medic looked down at the gruesome mess soaking his jacket and realized that indeed, ham seemed to be playing the major role in the slop. The guy must have consumed at least 5 slices of it.
"Here, Mr. DeSoto," Theresa said, holding a paper towel towards him. "Maybe you can unzip your jacket with this so you don't, well, don't have to put your fingers in it."
He accepted the gift with a nod, not wanting to open his mouth and inhale any of the stenches wafting from the garment. Carefully, he unzipped it, using the towel as she had suggested. Casting a wary eye towards Tom, and satisfied that he wasn't going to decorate him anymore, he half rose from his uncomfortable sprawl and tugged off the offending clothing with one paper towel covered hand. He wadded it up inside out leaving the towel within it, looked outside to see how close they were to the hospital, and worked his way to the double doors. He gingerly laid the blue wad next to the diaper garbage, and started working his way back to the seat.
"Let me help you," Theresa volunteered, leaning precariously across the clean part of the sheeted gurney and holding out a wet washcloth. "You have some on the side of your face."
"Oh," was all he could think of to say as he met her halfway in the leaning department and let her clean his face and neck. He knew his face was red with embarrassment once again; he felt like a toddler having his juice stained face cleaned.
He steadied her with a hand as they turned onto the road leading to the emergency entrance. They both dropped down into their seats as the vehicle stopped, reversed and began backing up into the designated slot in front of the automatic doors.
Still smelling himself, Roy scrubbed furiously at his skin and hair with the washcloth, in no hurry to head over to the doors when they stopped. He heard the slamming of doors and a moment later the back doors whipped open. There was a collective exclamation as both bundles fell out; DeSoto was sure the white garbed attendants would be using more explicit language if the woman hadn't been sidling her way to the end.
He finally moved, keeping an eye on Tom, who still had the cloth over his lips as he stumbled towards the entrance. Roy saw the dark head of his partner coming into view as the man was helped out.
"Holy garbage dump, batman, you smell like poop and vomit!" Johnny exclaimed, his voice muffled from behind the hand that was up to his mouth.
"Tell me about it," Roy snarled, unable to say what he really wanted to say with the civilians hanging about. Theresa was already on her way down the corridor, flanked by two nurses carrying her baby, the assorted gear, and the IV bottle, while their male patient was being escorted within by the older of the two ambulance guys. The other one was standing upwind away from the paramedics, no doubt swallowing some curse words of his own; he was no doubt the man with the least experience on their crew and would be doing the bulk of the cleanup.
"Uh, did you…?" Gage choked out, indicating the soiled jacket with his free hand
"No, no I did not," DeSoto replied, a bit proud of himself for being to control his gag reflex. This was the first time he had been thrown up on, and hopefully it would be a long time before it happened again.
"You might want to head to the men's room and clean up a bit; you got some on your t-shirt and in your hair," Johnny supplied helpfully, pulling a strand of his own hair to indicate the spot. He backed up quickly and out of his partner's way, as Roy glared at him and then charged towards the entrance.
"Hey, what do you want to do with your jacket?" Gage called out, stepping on the squishy pad of the doors to keep them open.
Roy shot him another nasty look over his shoulder and replied while still walking. "Toss it out!"
Johnny took a tentative step towards the pungent garment, hesitated, and then looked over at the attendant. "You heard him, all yours now!"
He grabbed the boxes out of the back and high tailed it after the other medic, choosing to ignore the fiery words flying after him as he escaped inside. He turned the corner and stalked towards the nurse's desk; not spying anyone in attendance there or either one of their patients in the hallway he sauntered over to the water fountain. He was slaking his thirst when the HT blared, asking for their status.
"Squad 51 available," he replied, abandoning the coolness of the water and grabbing his pen and notebook out of his pocket. He jotted down the address, grabbed the boxes he had set on the floor, and went searching for his partner. He found him exiting the men's room, wet t-shirt adhering to his body and water still dripping from his hair.
"We got a call," he explained, and they both turned and moved quickly towards the squad outside. "You can borrow my jacket if you want, instead of wearing your turnout coat."
"Yeah, sure, thanks," Roy replied glumly, thinking that he had used too much water on his shirt; he looked more like he was going to enter a wet t-shirt contest then a fireman. "Where we heading?"
"Sounds like some kind of reception place; woman in labor is the call."
"Reception place," he echoed, feeling a nasty foreboding settle in his still rolling stomach. "Let me see that address!"
He snatched the notebook still clutched in John's fingers, neatly dislodging the trauma box being held with the same hand; he caught the black case before it hit the linoleum tiled floor and absently tucked it under his arm as he flipped the cover open on the notebook.
"Oh no," he groaned, catching up to Gage who was already at their vehicle, stowing the biophone within the compartment. He shoved his box inside, scraping Johnny's hand with the latch in his agitation.
"Sorry, sorry," he stammered as the other man jerked his hand back with an exclamation and peered at the scrape. Roy reached for it, Johnny neatly slapped the outstretched appendage away, and climbed into the squad. Sighing heavily, the older man gently shut and locked the compartment door, and went around the back of the truck to get in the other side.
After strapping on his helmet, he picked up the jacket that had been laid on the bench seat for him. Struggling into it, he wrinkled his nose at the still present odor of, well, bodily fluids clinging to him. His perfect day was evaporating as fast as his good mood.
"Let me guess, it's where your family is, right?" Johnny asked, risking a fast glance sideways at his brooding partner.
"Yes….sorry about your hand."
"Just a scratch, no big deal. It's not bleeding much…yet." He laughed, letting Roy know in his odd way that it had already been forgotten.
Silence reigned over the interior as they sped towards the address, each man lost in the logistics of the call ahead as well as the personal aspect of it. When they pulled into the spacious parking lot of the one story building, Roy made a little noise of recognition as he spied his wife's station wagon; a hiss of air escaping between his clenched teeth was the response to the sight of the Oldsmobile belonging to Jo's parents. The brief hope that the dreaded woman would not be in attendance was dashed as he viewed the mammoth piece of metal and chrome; he pushed the uncharitable thought to the deep recesses of his brain as he followed Gage up the winding sidewalk to the side entrance.
"Wonder who's having a baby?" Johnny asked curiously, opening the door and instantly sneezing as he was engulfed in swirls of tobacco smoke. "I betcha the poor ventilation in here brought the labor on…"
"Maybe….." Roy agreed somberly, hoping that the smell of the cigarette, cigar, and pipe smoke would cover up the various stinks emitting from his body and clothes. "I have no idea who's pregnant. I would say it's one of the guests."
"Geez, it's not JoAnne is it?" A wide eyed, innocent look followed the question, and DeSoto stumbled, nearly falling into a round, festively adorned table in his astonishment.
"Of course not!" He blurted out, dodging around another table and following the crooked path Gage was instinctively weaving towards the group of people gathered in a tight knot at the other side of the room. "Don't you think I would have told you something like that?"
"Dunno, we really haven't known each other that long, ya know."
"Well, she didn't look pregnant to you when you met her at your birthday party, did she?" Roy huffed out, not sure whether to be angry at Johnny for his insensitivity and ignorance, or thankful for the welcome distraction. "That was less than two months ago!"
"Oh yeah, right, so it was. Unless of course, she doesn't show until her last month or so?" The glance backwards this time included a wink, and the older paramedic realized with an abrupt but pleasing jolt that his single but apparently sensitive partner was purposely trying to distract him from the thought of the pending encounter with Ruth.
He snorted in feigned irritation and then smiled. "Nah, she isn't one of those women."
"Good to know." There was no more light hearted conversation as they were on the outskirts of the group of guests now and Johnny had to slow his rapid trot to a dignified walk. The nicely attired people began to part like the sea as they worked their way through.
A pair of high heeled white shoes, a bit of nylon clad legs, and some lacy cream colored fabric was Roy's first glimpse of the laboring woman; he blinked rapidly as the rest of her came into view and he came to the startling realization that the pregnant woman was the bride. She was lying on the floor, with her head and shoulders being supported upright by her new husband Todd; he was sitting behind her and whispering in her ear between her short bouts of screaming and panting.
"Uh, Roy, I think I better check her out, ok?" Johnny asked, subtly motioning towards her with his free hand while bumping the frozen medic forward with his shoulder.
"Good idea," Roy stammered, not relishing the idea of being introduced to the new sister-in-law with his hands and head buried beneath her dress. He politely pushed his way forward to Todd, purposely keeping his eyes focused on the bride and groom. A quick glance had shown him that Ruth was standing several feet away from her son on the other side, balancing a heaping plate of food in one ringed adorned hand and gesticulating wildly with the other.
"Roy!" A very welcoming voice jerked his attention to the right and he caught a glimpse of his wife before she was obscured by the form of a rather large woman he didn't recognize; he would certainly have remembered the riot of auburn curls piled high on her head and tumbling in different directions over her round shoulders. The bold geometric pattern of her dress made him dizzy for a moment before he collected himself and finally stumbled to a one kneed crouch beside the panting woman.
His name was said again, this time by Jo's brother, who was ecstatic to see him but also seemed a bit drunk. He introduced him to his bride, Kim, and then quieted down enough for the medic to do his job. He could feel Johnny's rather impatient gaze settling on him from where he knelt near her feet, opened and ready OB box off to the side.
"Don't let him cut the dress, it's borrowed!" Kim entreated, clutching at Roy's arm with bronze talons. Todd, apparently feeling left out, grabbed him also, almost tipping him over with the tugging.
"Right, that's no problem," Gage replied easily, leaping to his feet and disappearing for a moment. He came back with a white tablecloth, which he covered her with from the waist down, preserving her modesty as he began folding the voluminous skirt of the dress upwards.
The crowd of guests closing in on the bride and groom began to reluctantly disperse and once again Roy heard the stern but polite voice of JoAnne asking the people to go back to their seats or enjoy the buffet. Rather like a drill sergeant, he mused with pride, with impeccable manners. He could hear a band warming up on the other side of the hall over the fading sound of conversations and was finally able to talk with Kim without having to yell.
"Have you timed your contractions? How far about are they?" Silence and blank looks met his request and he smiled. "Don't worry; I'll do that for you."
As he stared at his watch, waiting for the next contraction, he was aware of a pair of shoes coming to stand directly opposite him; a pair of thick ankles led up from the square toed, sensible shoes and his eyes refused to go any further than the sagging nylons. He knew without a doubt that those sensible shoes belonged to his formidable mother- in-law and that something was about to occur that he wasn't going to like.
"Mr. DeSoto, so glad that you could make it to Todd's wedding," she purred, sarcasm dripping from every word. Her nostrils flared delicately. "And that smell, what is that smell?"
Swallowing hard, he resisted the urge to growl and bark; instead he just nodded once in acknowledgement as the next contraction was beginning and he didn't want to lose his time. As for the rancid odor wafting from his shoes and the rest of him, he wasn't about to reply to that question. When he finally lifted his head, the woman had adopted her battle stance; this usually involved her hands placed strategically on her hips, her body leaning forward, and her face set in a furious scowl. This time, because of the plate of food, she could only do the leaning and scowling.
With a reassuring smile at the expectant parents and a murmured "You're doing just fine" he rose to his feet, straightening the stethoscope around his neck. He felt a breeze stirring the cloying thickness of the air and felt rather than saw Gage go breezing by. He followed him around the couple, smirking inwardly as his astute partner forced Mother Ruth back a few steps by inserting himself between her and Kim.
"Hey, you've going to be able to enjoy your reception after all. It's just false labor," Johnny explained cheerily, sliding his inside out gloves deep within his pants pockets and shifting the bundle of bunched up tablecloth under his arm.
"You mean I'm not going to have the baby right now?" Kim asked incredulously, her heavily made up eyes blinking in disbelief. She glared up at her husband, and grabbed the lapel of his tux. "It's all your fault!"
"What do you mean, it's all my fault? It takes two to tangle, you know!" He slurred back, scooting out from behind her and taking his drink that had been hidden under his leg with him. Roy threw out a hand to keep her from falling backwards now that her support had departed; she grabbed it with both her hands and lumbered clumsily to her feet. She stood for a moment, smoothing down the front of her embroidered and lacey dress and breathing heavily through her mouth instead of her nose. Her contractions had ceased, at least for the moment.
She laced her fingers under the protruding bulge of her stomach and looked at Roy. "You're JoAnne's husband, right?"
At his affirmative nod she sighed and shifted her speculative look towards John. "Too bad, and you, whose husband are you?"
Johnny shifted uneasily and backed up a step. "I'm um..."
"Not your husband, young lady!" A sharp voice broke in and all heads turned towards Ruth, who had been momentarily forgotten and had inserted herself into the picture again. "False labor, indeed, are you even pregnant?"
There was a stunned silence while everyone stared at the self-imposed matriarch of the family; she wasn't quite done with her accusations. "You wanted to trap poor Todd, didn't you? A man with a wonderful job, climbing the ladder to success, while you, you probably have a pillow stuffed up there!"
"No ma'am, she's really pregnant," Johnny piped up, innocently stepping into the middle of her rant; the rest of the immediate family knew enough to let her continue until she ran out of steam. A soft sigh ran through the handful of adults clustered together and Roy moved over several feet to stand shoulder to shoulder with his brave but naïve partner.
"And who are you, young man? Who asked for your opinion?" The ringed fingers were waving wildly and then started jabbing towards Gage's chest as she steamed towards him. Johnny resolutely stood his ground but his crooked smile faltered as she ground to a halt an inch away, one finger now tapping his nameplate.
"J. Gage, I should have known. Oh, I have your number young man, I surely do! A paramedic, pah! Just a whelp masquerading as a doctor, just like that so called son-in-law of mine who thinks…"
Roy tuned out the rest of the tirade; he had heard it all before. What he was concerned about was the fact that Gage had started backing up, unwilling to lay a hand on the woman and unable to get a word in edgewise. Behind him was the table that held the wedding cake, a three tier concoction dripping with swirls and flowers of chocolate, the requisite plastic bride and groom perched on top.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw his wife and her sister approaching at a rapid pace, but not quick enough to stop what was inevitable. The wildly garbed woman was also closing ranks, shaking her head in disgust and also waving a hand. A jolt of recognition shot through him at the familiar and dreaded gesture; it had to be Ruth's sister. He could only hope that she was the opposite of her sister or else they were about to be besieged from both sides.
"Ok, Ruth, that's quite enough," he interrupted calmly, stepping forward so that he was once again next to his flustered partner. Somehow they had to remain professional; they were in uniform after all. This whole situation was new and awkward because he'd never had to deal with his own family before while on a run.
"Indeed it is!" She screeched, her free arm flinging towards Gage and her plate laden arm swinging towards Roy in wild abandonment. As if in slow motion, the food flowed towards him, ham the prominent ingredient in the hodgepodge of smells wafting under his flaring nostrils. His stomach, which had been threatening mutiny since the ambulance ride, finally gave up the battle and revolted. The spicy breakfast that had tasted so good going down, numerous cups of coffee and the last remnants of JoAnne's lovingly prepared meal made their second appearance in a flood of liquid and pieces – all over the outraged, heaving bosom of his mother-in-law.
The expression "die of embarrassment" or was it "die of shame" slithered through his brain cells even as he found himself going backwards, the plate of food sliding down his borrowed jacket in a beautiful trail of color as Mama Ruth completed the wide swinging arc of her hairy arm and shoved him. His last glimpse of her was a beet red face looking down at her equally brilliant colored dress; than he was staring up at ceiling tiles and feeling the welcoming softness of a pillow beneath his head and shoulders. His hand went back to see what a pillow was doing at a wedding reception and as his fingers trailed through the expensive, velvety texture of sugar and other mystery ingredients he didn't want to know about, all he could think about was that he was glad he wasn't alone in this little misadventure.
For somehow Johnny was next to him, cake splattered down the side of his face, and hand up to his lip feeling for damage. One of Ruth's ugly rings had apparently connected with skin, whether by accident or not they would probably never know. As if feeling his partner's look, Gage turned his head and stared back.
"You know, she was right about one thing….."
"What's that?"
"This is definitely an attention getting career choice, wouldn't you say?" Johnny snickered behind his cautiously probing fingers and Roy couldn't hide his own smile, ignoring for the moment the sour taste in his mouth, something metallic poking him in the back (silverware maybe?), and the nugget of cake that seemed to have lodged in his left ear.
He could hear the voices getting louder as the various relatives swarmed in; he hoped his wife was in the lead. He would never live this down, never in a million years, but somehow he knew that tomorrow morning when he returned home, his beautiful wife would be waiting with open arms and a smile as wide as the one Gage was displaying right now behind his swollen lip. Yep, he wouldn't trade this job for any other; life was indeed good.
~FINI~
A/N - this little one shot got out of hand and grew into a very long chapter - it was just amazingly easy writing about poor Roy and his misadventures leading up to the final encounter with the dreaded mother-in-law! Hope you enjoyed!