An odd little story that started out as a Halloween tale and exploded into a very long, kinda, sorta Christmas story with some strange humor….usual disclaimers apply!
Chapter 4
"Because I promised, that's why," the dark-haired paramedic muttered sulkily, looking down at the ground and scuffing his foot sideways. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, took a deep breath, and straightened up in determination. "It's for the little kids, see? And it will be fun!"
DeSoto scowled, thinking that it sounded like his partner was trying to convince himself that it would indeed be a barrel of laughs. "I'm just wondering how Captain Hammer is going to react to the fact that you volunteered him, as well as the rest of us, into dressing up like a giant bug and giving up one our days off."
"Caterpillars ARE NOT giant bugs; they're…...just what the heck are they?" Gage abandoned his stiff pose and relaxed into a more natural position, letting the brick apparatus wall behind him support his weight as he slouched against it and scratched at his jaw in thought.
"I don't know, just something that likes to eat a lot, especially in my garden. And just how did you get talked into doing this?"
Johnny snapped his fingers, still bugged about Roy's insult. "Insects, that's what they are!" He paused, and then sheepishly shrugged his shoulders. "It was, er, ah, Dixie that asked me; you know I can't ever say no to her."
"No, I didn't know that, and why is that exactly?" He really wanted to ask him why, or how, Gage knew Dixie so well that she had thrown him a birthday party, but it didn't seem like the time. Although depending how this question was answered, maybe he would find out.
Another shrug and Johnny just smiled. "It doesn't matter. She's a nice lady and I like to help her out."
"Ok, fine, but please tell me why we have to be a giant caterpillar?" Roy asked, disappointed in John's glib answer. He followed him into the kitchen and watched as the younger man pulled out the half gallon of milk and poured a glass. He shook his head when he was offered some and waited impatiently.
"Mm, that hits the spot!" Gage smacked his lips together and pulled out a chair, dropping into it with a sigh. "A couple of reasons really…. see, there's a group of kids up in the pediatric ward that are there for a week at least, some of them a lot longer. Dix goes up there and has like a story time thing, where she reads them books. When she can't make it, she arranges for someone else to do it, usually one of her nurses. You with me on this so far?"
"Yeah, I'm following you," DeSoto replied, joining him at the table with a cup of coffee. He poured some sugar into it, stirred it with a spoon, and leaned back in his chair, nodding to try and get the story moving along.
"So, they read this little book involving a hungry caterpillar and the kids, mostly the younger ones you know, like it so much they want her to read it every day. And Dixie decides to combine their love of the book with a little surprise with Christmas coming up and all, and voila, there's where we come in."
"Where exactly did she find a costume that involves six men to wear it?"
"No idea, I just know that someone had one and she's borrowing it. It's pretty simple really, we just go up to their ward and walk around the room a few times and we're done. A couple of hours max of everybody's time, and we're out of there."
"That doesn't sound too bad," Roy agreed, thinking that kids did indeed enjoy that book, his young son included.
"Well, there's only one thing though," Johnny hedged, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
Roy groaned and slapped at his forehead. "I should have known there was going to be a "but' to this. Go on, spill it Junior!"
A frown appeared at the use of the nickname, but Johnny valiantly continued. "Ah, it's not that bad really. It's just that Dixie wants us to wear pants that go with the costume. She has the material; they just need to be made. You think maybe the three wives would consider sewing them up?"
"Cap's wife, mine, and Mike Stoker's…I don't know, John. JoAnne likes to sew, but I don't know about the other two. I guess that's another thing that you're going to have to ask Hammer about." Roy's tone was thoughtful, but there was an evil gleam in his eye as he gazed across the table.
"Yeah, right," Gage murmured, wondering if maybe he should have thought this through a little more before volunteering their whole shift. The sound of the garage door going up caught his attention and he took a deep breath, firming up his resolve. "I sure hope they had an easy run…"
Eyebrows quirked up, DeSoto just smiled and watched his younger partner take several deep breaths. A gulp of milk and Gage rose to his feet, determination in his movements. He had made it to the door when the first of the engine crew stepped into the room, reeking of smoke.
"Nice of you guys to join us," Chet Kelly quipped, purposely bumping a dirty shoulder into the paramedic as he swaggered past.
"We just got back from our own run, Kelly," Johnny replied evenly. "Was yours a bad one?"
"Nah, just a lot of burning stuff," the lineman teased, grabbing the pot on the burner and pouring himself a cup of liquid tar. He sputtered as he tasted the vile brew and dumped the contents of both the mug and the pot into the sink. "Guess you weren't fibbing when you said you just got back; this stuff has been cooking for hours."
He looked pointedly at Roy's half-filled mug sitting on the table and grimaced before turning back around to start a fresh pot of coffee. Gage, his attention on the bay and the noises issuing from there, swung his head around and looked at Chet's back.
"Say Chet, what kind of mood is Captain Hammer in?"
"Geez, I don't know, perhaps a captain mood?"
"Real funny there, Kelly…" The dark-haired man looked over at his partner, who wiggled his fingers at him and motioned towards the door.
"Right, right," Johnny mouthed and strolled resolutely through the opening and disappeared from sight.
~eeeEEEeee~
"He said it was a good idea, and he actually volunteered his wife for the sewing?" Roy's tone of voice proclaimed disbelief and John simply nodded; his own incredulity at Hammer's easy acceptance was still fresh in his mind.
"He did, and said his wife would contact your lady and Mike's, and coordinate that part of the, uh...…. volunteering." He swung the wheel of the squad sharply, avoiding the unrecognizable thing in the road as they headed back to the station after a run.
"Okay, good, so Mrs. Hammer is going to take things in hand on that side, but what about telling the rest of the guys?"
Johnny didn't answer for a moment as he checked the traffic, and then commenced backing into the driveway. Once they were safely within the bay, he threw the gear shift into park and turned to Roy with a satisfied smile. "The Cap said he would handle that, catch the guys before they leave. We're going to set it up for the start of the next shift, the measuring part, if it works for the ladies."
DeSoto could only shake his head at Johnny's good fortune in securing their captain's blessing AND his help on this little venture, but it was for a good cause and he was happy to participate.
Which he reminded himself of several days later as the six men lounged in the day room, waiting for the three wives to coordinate their efforts. Mrs. Hammer had taken charge and was patiently explaining to Mike's wife on how to measure the men for the inseam. While Roy impatiently squirmed in his seat, Mike watched the proceedings with an amused smile.
"I don't think Connie has ever sewed," he confided in a low voice as his spouse dropped the yellow measuring tape and they watched the cloth roll unspool across the floor.
"Not even in those home economics classes?" Roy asked, thinking about the clothing that Jo had whipped up during her course. Of course, she had had plenty of experience before that; she had belonged to a sewing 4-H club.
Stoker rubbed his chin in thought. "Well, maybe there I suppose, but if she sews like she cooks..."
He snickered, hiding his burst of mirth behind his hand. Roy gave a little shake of his head to show that he understood but kept his own amusement contained. He wasn't about to laugh at the engineer's wife in any way, shape, or form. It was one thing to be tickled by your new spouse's antics, but it would be a whole different story if another guy laughed at her. He wasn't about to take that risk, especially with a man he really didn't know all that well.
"Mrs. Hammer really knows what she is doing, so I think it's safe to say that whatever Connie's shortcomings are the Captain's wife will make up for it," Mike mused. "Plus, it looks like your better half knows what she's doing…..."
This time DeSoto did smile; it was the most he had ever heard Mike say in one shot. "She does, and she enjoys it too. I have to admit, it was the one of the few good things she ever learned from her mother, well that and baking."
"Well, I guess it's true that everyone has at least one fine quality," Mike added with an even wider smile, standing up as the three women approached with tape measures in hand.
The measuring proceeded smoothly, at least with JoAnne and Mrs. Hammer. Roy's wife quickly took care of the paramedics while the boss's wife just as efficiently gathered the waist sizes and inseams for her husband and Chet. Connie Stoker, however, had an attack of the giggles while trying to get Mike's inseam; it took her several tries before she managed the deed and finally turned to Marco.
The Hispanic lineman nervously stepped backwards, his hands dropping instinctively to protect his sensitive parts. He wasn't sure if Mike had been fooling around or dead serious when he had let loose an unmanly screech while she had been measuring his inseam. "Uh, Mrs. Stoker, why don't I just get you my extra pair of uniform pants and let you measure them?"
"Nonsense! I practiced on Mike so I know exactly how to do it," the petite woman assured him, dropping down in front of him and stretching out the tape. A snicker of laughter floated across the space from Chet's direction; Stoker's narrow eyed glare instantly terminated the sound. A tiny whimper escaped Marco as Connie fumbled for a second with the measuring but then she rocked back on her heels in triumph, twirling the tape above her head like a lasso. "Got it!"
It was Johnny who laughed this time. Mike raised his eyebrows and shot the grinning paramedic a quizzical look. "Mike, you married yourself a great gal there, you know that?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" The lanky engineer asked, crossing his arms and leaning menacingly towards his shorter counterpart.
Now it was Gage's turn to be confused. "Just what I said, man. She's got an incredible sense of humor, for starters."
"Oh, he's in deep," Chet chortled in a whisper, as he joined Roy at the coffeepot. "I'm not even close to the blissful state of matrimony and I know Gage just screwed up big time!"
DeSoto regarded him over the lip of his mug, his blue eyes sparkling. "As I remember it, you started it with that little giggle. I think Johnny is actually being complimentary towards Mrs. Stoker; he's just being extremely dense in how he's expressing himself."
He also thought Gage was extremely naïve in some ways when it came to women, even though he seemed to exude some serious charm on occasion, but there was no way he was going to say that word in front of Kelly. Like John, Roy believed Chet was behind the juvenile pranks that had begun to plague his partner and he was sure that somehow the Irishman would find some way to torment Johnny with this new ammunition.
A snort came from Kelly but he wisely shut up. They had missed whatever comment or action had ended the dialogue between the two men, who joined them at the counter with wide grins. Marco, his face flushed a lovely shade of red, was apparently finished with his measurements as he also joined them. He shook his head at Chet and elbowed him in the ribs, effectively stopping the eager comment about to erupt from his opened mouth.
Muttering something in Spanish under his breath, he glanced at the stove. "I could really use some coffee right now," he suggested hopefully, unable to reach an arm around or through the line of bodies blocking access to the burner.
"Sure thing…looks like they're about done?" Roy asked, nodding towards the ladies before grabbing a mug and filling it. Lopez snatched it greedily and noisily slurped a mouthful while pointedly ignoring the amused look shared between Roy and Chet.
All eyes shifted to the wives. Mike made a noise that sounded suspiciously like "uh oh" as Connie broke away from the other women and strolled leisurely towards them. She stopped about six feet away and scanned the five crewmen with wide innocent eyes. She did it again, slower this time, eyes raking across them; feet started shuffling as they shifted under the bold and uncomfortable scrutiny.
"Well now, boys," she drawled, a mischievous smile playing about her lips. "Does this remind you of anything?"
More uneasy movements as they traded wary glances. It was Chet who broke from the formation and went to stand by her, rubbing a thoughtful finger down the side of his cheek. "Oh, hey, it looks different from this angle…..I see where you're coming from Mrs. Stoker."
"Oh brother," Marco groused, casting a questioning look at Mike and an annoyed one in his friend's direction. "Mrs. Stoker?"
"You're single, Marco Lopez, so you should know what I am referring to, as should you and you!" She stabbed a manicured finger towards Johnny and then swung it towards Kelly, who was smirking now.
"Man, Mike…" Johnny started to say, then clamped his lips together and shook his head with a sheepish smile. "You're right, Mrs. Stoker, I guess we know how it feels now."
Connie smiled and leaned into her husband affectionately as he skirted the table and pulled her against him with a long arm. "Sorry, honey, I just couldn't resist with the way you were all standing there."
Roy threw up his hands in confusion. "Apparently everybody but me understands what just happened, would someone care to enlighten me?"
Johnny nudged him with a shoulder and grinned even wider. "It's been awhile since you were single, right?"
"A few years," he admitted with a cheerful smile and wishing it was even more. Getting married had been one of the best things he had ever done in his entire life. "But I still don't…"
"It's like when you walk into a bar and check out the chicks; that's what Mrs. Stoker is talking about," Marco interrupted in a rapid, low pitched voice which drew a slow but understanding "oh" from DeSoto. "You know, like a meat…"
Another interruption, this time from John. "I think he gets it now, Marco."
"Uhhh, I guess it has been awhile," the older paramedic admitted and purposely sauntered away from the two single guys still lounging lazily against the cupboards.
Johnny's lopsided grin was in full force as he shook his head at the rapid departure and rubbed his hands together. "This is going to be something to see."
"You got that right," Lopez agreed with a growl, lifting his mug to bury his face in it and hoping that Connie Stoker sewed better than she measured.
~eeeEEEeee~
Saturday rolled around with astonishing speed. The "A" shift had met up at the station to change into their new pants; Roy, Mike, and Captain Hammer had brought them with them. There was silence in the locker room as four of the men easily changed into the black, silky pants and donned their highly polished black work boots. They gathered in front of the sinks to stare at each other's legs – the material snuggly encircled their waists, puffed out at the knees, and narrowed to tight bands around their ankles.
"We look like we're wearing parachutes," Chet stated dubiously, fingering the material.
"Sounds like it too," Johnny added, heading towards the door with exaggerated strides and accompanied by the swishing, swooshing noise of nylon. He turned back around and glided back, the laughter overriding the sound of his approach. "I think they look more like those things the women wear in a harem."
Chet snorted. "How would you know? You've never gotten within ten thousand miles of that many women together at one time, let alone ladies wearing clothes like that!"
"Ha-ha, Chet, I'll have you know that I've seen them in person!" John declared, splaying a hand across his dark green t-shirted chest. Roy couldn't resist an eye roll at the gesture. It was becoming very familiar to him, that move Gage made whenever he wanted to get a point across. He looked down at his own matching t-shirt, which they were all wearing, and then at his own weird pants. JoAnne and Mrs. Hammer had done a good job of following the pattern; he had to admit that even though they looked and sounded funny, they were comfortable.
On the verge of asking his partner where exactly he had seen women in harem pants in Los Angeles, Roy glanced around as the absence of two of their crew suddenly hit him. "Hey, where are Stoker and Lopez?"
Whatever words about to erupt from Chet's mouth were silenced when a second later an odd ripping sound came from the direction of the second row of lockers. This was followed by an explosive word from Marco and Stoker's short laugh. By the time Chet and the two rescue men reached the aisle Mike had contained his vocal mirth and had his back turned to the sputtering lineman.
"What's the problem Marco?" Captain Hammer asked, strolling leisurely around the corner and bestowing his somber stare on the flustered man.
Marco threw up his hands. "It's these pants, Sir, they're not sewn together, and they're…what is this stuff Stoker?"
"Umm, I believe it is called Velcro, or actually hook and loop fasteners is probably the correct term," the engineer choked out, his shoulders shaking as he tried to bite back his laughter. "Connie just couldn't get the sewing part down, so she used that instead."
"It's even on the ankle hems?" Roy asked incredulously, as he and Johnny gathered around Mike to inspect to inspect her sewing, or lack of; the captain and Chet casually pushed Lopez back against his locker to check out his pants.
"Well no, she actually borrowed some of my duct tape to finish off that part," Mike confided with a smirk, planting a foot on the bench so they could see the hem of his pants. They were indeed taped up on the bottoms with silver duct tape (on the insides thankfully) while the hook and loop tape ran up both the inner and outer seams of the legs. Neither paramedic was brave enough to inquire what was holding the pants together at the waist.
"Wait, now, what did she use to fasten this weird stuff to the material?" Gage asked, plucking the seam at Stoker's knee in curiosity.
Stoker snickered in embarrassment and jutted his knee out for closer inspection. "Ah, she used some sort of fabric glue."
That admission got the attention of Dick Hammer. "Glue, how did she do that?"
"Not really sure, all I know is that when I got home from shift she had them done."
"Knock it off Chet!" Marco snarled, knocking away his friend's hands from the pants. Kelly thrust out hands, palms out, in an innocent gesture but stepped back a cautious distance.
"I just wanted to see for myself how they came apart," Chet proclaimed, wiggling fingers and adopting a villainous expression.
"Cap, we need to get going. Dixie has a friend who 's going to meet us in the parking lot with the costume," Johnny said, interrupting the curly headed lineman's cackling noises as he advanced towards Marco once again.
"All right, knock it off Kelly," Hammer instructed sternly, passing a hand over his face to hide his smile. "Let's get going men…"
They trooped single file out of the locker room into the bay, laughter intermixing with the silky sound of material. The lineman from "C" shift intercepted them, casting puzzled looks at their outfits.
"Hey guys, some chick dropped these off for Gage," he explained, thrusting a plastic wrapped plate towards Johnny who accepted the proffered offering warily.
"What chick was that?" He asked as he lifted the edge of the wrap to see what was concealed underneath.
"Eh, Melissa, Mildred, something like that, her name started with an "M"? She said you really helped her out when their van went over an embankment. And let me tell ya that was one foxy chick! Long blonde hair and legs, uh….." Bailey stumbled to a verbal halt and dropped his hands that were sketching a shape in the air as he caught the narrow eyed stare the "A" shift captain was bestowing upon him. He shrugged and mumbled something before disappearing around the front of the Crown.
Chet purposely bumped into Johnny, trying to get a look at the plate now encircled with a protective arm. "What are those, brownies?"
"Yep, with what looks an inch of chocolate frosting, so back off Kelly…." he ordered, using his other arm to push the inquisitive man back; they ducked and then exited into the back parking lot out of the half opened garage door.
Having agreed beforehand that they would all be able to fit into John's van, they piled into the depths of the camper with Captain Hammer riding shotgun. The driver snatched a huge brownie and passed the plate off to their leader, who repeated the process and then offered the sweets to the back passengers. Roy, seated in the single seat, quickly stood up and snagged it. He grinned sheepishly as he took the largest treat left and handed the plate to Mike, who was lounging on the bench seat.
"My breakfast," he mumbled around a mouthful of gooey richness. Mike laughed and after taking a piece, offered the last chunk to Marco, who accepted it with eagerness.
"I need the sugar to make it through this," he explained; he rolled his eyes pointedly towards Stoker and slapped at his pants.
A curly head popped up from behind the seat. Chet, being the last one in, had obtained the dubious honor of having the small storage area all to himself, people wise anyways. He was sitting on a rolled up sleeping bag and his hand was resting on tent poles, and various pieces of camping gear were under his boots. He poked his head between the two men and stared at the empty plate. "Hey, what gives? You guys ate them all?"
Lopez leaned away as fingers reached for the brownie still untouched in his hand. "There was only five, amigo, so you lose."
"Not fair…you could have split one or left me some big crumbs," Chet complained, grabbing for balance as Gage barreled out of the station parking lot and accelerated, shifting through the gears rapidly. He blew out a frustrated breath and dropped back out of sight as the remaining brownie found its way into his partner's mouth.
Marco, cheeks puffed out like a squirrel storing nuts, decided that the younger paramedic was channeling some of his nervous energy into his right foot; he tilted sideways as they flew around a corner and barreled down the road. After a delay to assist an elderly couple with their flat tire, thirty minutes later they came to an abrupt stop in the visitor's parking lot of Rampart. With exaggerated care, Lopez inched out the bus and with an odd, stiff legged gait shuffled over to the side of the large cargo van Johnny had parked next to. The door was open, and the men were staring within the interior.
"Wow," was all that the usually talkative Kelly could muster as they took in the sight of the giant caterpillar stretched out in a circle, the huge head staring at them with oval green eyes.
"That's totally far out!" Johnny exclaimed, leaning forward and running a hand over the fabric of the long body.
"Glad you think so, you fellows must be the firefighters from Station 51." A tall, incredibly thin man strolled around the front bumper and introduced himself as Phil Hawkins, Dixie's friend. Handshakes and greetings followed and then instructions on how to operate the poles and walk within the snaking costume.
"It reminds me of those dragons in the Chinese New Year festivities," Mike observed, tilting his head and scrutinizing the caterpillar. "Since I'm tallest, I probably should be the leader."
"Sorry Stoker, the leader is going to be the leader. You be in the middle; that'll give our bug some height. Kelly, you stand between me and our giraffe of an engineer. Lopez, Gage, and DeSoto – fall in line after the Stokes."
Chet's mouth dropped open at the odd language their captain was using; was he the only one that had noticed the pretty much insulting nicknames casually bestowed on their engineer? He looked around him at his crewmates and scratched his curly mop in consternation.
Gage was busy blatantly arguing with Hammer about bugs versus insects, Marco was doing deep knee bends while pulling on the fabric of his pants, Mike was muttering under his breath about too many uneven humps in their costume and the ratio of something versus something, and Roy was…..
"Roy!" He poked the upward looking man in his ribs, waited a second and then repeated the gesture when he was ignored. The medic slowly turned and blinked at him.
"Yes? Did you need something?"
Kelly snagged him by the shirt when it appeared DeSoto was about to resume his cloud gazing. "What the heck are you doing? What's so interesting up there?"
Roy smiled lazily. "It's a beautiful day, Mr. Kelly, and I'm enjoying all the little animals running around up there."
"The wha….?" Kelly sputtered, chancing a fast look upwards just in case there were little animals gallivanting around. "Oh come on, now you've got me doing it!"
The medic bestowed a look on him that Kelly could only describe as placid; it was accompanied by a slow roll of the shoulders, a kind of half shrug. "People see things differently, Chester."
"Uh huh, sure they do," the lineman replied, fascinated but also concerned at the atypical behavior going on around him. Their captain and Johnny were now laughing hysterically at something, and as Kelly focused on the pair Hammer did a little jig, apparently demonstrating something.
"Jeepers creepers," Chet whispered, his hand furiously rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to remember the last time he had seen people, folks he knew well, acting similar to this. "Oh, no way, no way, no way, that can't be right!"
He dashed around the back of John's van and yanked open the door, searching for the plate that held the brownies. It held no crumbs however and he tipped it up in frustration, freezing when he saw the writing on the bottom. It read "Thanks for rescuing us, Johnny, enjoy the wild ride!"
"Ah crap, it is true, they're all…"
His revelation was interrupted by Stoker's commanding voice bellowing across the parking lot. "Kelly, fall in line! This caterpillar is moving!"
Chet slammed the door closed and sprinted back around the white van, heading for the huge head of the insect and the man who could stop the debacle before it got any worse.
"Captain Hammer!" He called out, sliding to a halt beside the first pair of legs, visible from the knees down, under the costume.
"Get in your position, Kelly, whatever it is it can wait." The muffled command of his captain filtered out from under the material; despite his anxiety Chet was impressed by Hammer's dexterity as he whipped the head around to stare at him. The thing was kinda big, but it was cute and not scary which would definitely be a hit with the kiddos.
"Cap, those brownies…." A hand grabbed him by the arm and towed him backwards; he couldn't help letting out an indignant squawk as his important flow of information was interrupted.
Hey!" He protested again as he was pushed into position behind Hammer; he ducked under the reinforced fabric to avoid getting tangled up. He gulped as a pole was shoved into each hand and he was given a repeat but condensed 30 second tutorial by their usually silent engineer on how to operate them, as well as how to walk and see.
His mouth hanging open in shock, Kelly felt Stoker slide by and switch places with whoever was holding up the bug behind him. Phil Hawkins, as it turned out, as he stepped to the side and instructed the men in a booming voice to head for the freight elevator.
Another voice rang out which sounded suspiciously like Gage's. "Giddy up there little cateeeepillllllllarrrrrr!"
Chester groaned as Dick Hammer whooped and started the forward movement of the many pairs of legs. He was grateful he was second in line as he was sure the zigging and zagging was far worse at the end of the line, similar to that stomach bending crack the whip game. As it was, it required all of his concentration to keep the poles moving and walk behind the rapidly moving captain without falling flat on his face.
He was grateful for the fact that they were winding their way through the wide empty hallway accessed through the service entrance. He couldn't even imagine having to navigate the busy hallways of the Emergency department with all its bustling people and obstacles, or trying to slink their way through the narrower halls that led from the hospital's main entrance. The one great advantage of the costume was that it allowed them almost complete anonymity, and with all the odd noises coming from behind him via his colleagues Chet was pretty sure once they entered the populated sections of the hospital they would have a captive audience trailing alongside. There was no way he wanted anyone to know who he was what with all the giggling, snorting, and creative sounds emitting from the human factor of Gage's giant insect.
Dixie's friend had moved ahead of them and called for the elevator. The long caterpillar snaked its way inside with Hammer positioning himself facing the back doors. They formed a tight serpentine circle behind him but still bumped up against the padded walls as they jostled to fit inside and not damage the caterpillar. Phil pulled the straps, closing the pair of doors they had entered, and slapped the button.
As the freight elevator slowly rose, Johnny's laughter cut across the noisy melee. "Marco, man, you're splitting your pants!"
A sudden silence filled the cramped space at the unexpected words. Marco let loose a colorful curse, trying to peer over his shoulder to see the damage without dropping the poles.
"Where, Gage, where?" He asked, contorting his body and feeling a slow burn crawl up his neck and travel up his face as he remembered the orange silk boxers he was wearing.
"Down both sides of your legs, I can see orange…wait, are you wearing orange shorts?" John was giggling now and Lopez gritted his teeth, hoping nothing else split to reveal the grinning jack-o'-lanterns adorning the fabric across his rear and, uh, front.
"My girl gave them to me for Halloween, a joke okay?" He explained, finally giving in to a wide, white teethed grin despite his embarrassment. The laughter was infectious and he felt an unexpected bubble of mirth welling up.
"Phil, can you cut the elevator for a moment and trade places with me?" Stoker's strong, authoritative voice rang out and the car jolted to a stop as Hawkins acquiesced without question.
Marco shifted uneasily as the engineer knelt down and inspected his pants.
"Oh yeah, whatever Connie used to hold the tape on….." Mike said, reaching into the sole pocket of his own pants and pulling out his wallet. His nimble fingers pulled out a tiny cellophane packet; the caterpillar jiggled than dropped in height as Johnny bent over to peer at the contents, amusement momentarily contained.
"You carry thread and a needle with you?" he queried in amazement as Mike held up the needle towards the overhead lighting and deftly threaded it.
"Oh sure, I have both white and thankfully black thread. You just never know when you're gonna need it. Hold still Marco while I put a few stitches in on both sides to keep the seams from splitting anymore. Good thing I carry the bigger needles with me."
The lineman froze, trying to control the nervous laughter that had finally escaped in the form of tiny snickers. He felt curiously light headed and euphoric; of course it didn't help that Gage had started in again with his annoying but still contagious cackling. The noise within the metal box was growing once again what with the elevator letting off shrill dings of protest at being stopped for so long, Chet practically shouting at Hammer who was completely ignoring whatever he was being told, and DeSoto, well, DeSoto singing a show tune about a few of his favorite things. His voice was actually pretty good and Marco involuntarily relaxed, humming a bit as he recognized the song. So relaxed, in fact, that when Mike stood up and clapped his hands sharply the Hispanic man jumped and almost lost his hold on the bamboo poles. He shook himself and added his lilting baritone to the chorus, mangling the words slightly but pleased with the on key rendition.
"That should do it quite nicely! Thank you very much, Mr. Hawkins, I think we're ready to get this show back on the road," Stoker declared, obviously pleased with his efforts. He switched places with the amused man and the elevator resumed its upward climb. Chet, looking back over his shoulder as the men moved around, wished he could throw his hands up in disgust.
Hammer had studiously ignored his pleas to abort the mission, unable to believe or perhaps comprehend the fact that the shift was under the influence of narcotic laced brownies. He had in fact, laughed at the idea to Chet's dismay. And now their poker faced, level headed, sometimes stern leader was exhibiting an enormous amount of glee in moving the caterpillar's head in different directions while doing some fancy footwork in his heavy boots. Kelly sincerely hoped he was simply familiarizing himself with the operation of the thing and not planning a major deviation from their instructions of entering the children's activity room, circling around once or twice, and then leaving. He could only imagine the chaos that would ensue, both with the caterpillar and their audience.
Shaking his curly haired head, Chet threw another glance backwards. Stoker had shut up for the moment; maybe he had reverted back to his usual silent self? Highly doubtful, in fact he was probably pondering his next order. He seemed to have appointed himself ringleader of the whole circus; he had casually and easily taken command after their dancing captain assigned him to the middle hump. Mmmmmmm, so old Mike there had leadership stars flashing in his eyes, did he? An interesting fact to be stowed away for later…
If he twisted just right, he could see Marco's boot clad feet. His buddy had finally stopped harmonizing with DeSoto, thank heavens, but was still shifting from one foot to the other. Still apparently uncomfortable with his pants, but if he wasn't careful with all that moving around he was going to rip out the engineer's handiwork. Kelly could hear some of the half mumbled dialog emitting from Lopez's mouth; it sounded like the other firefighter had turned off the happy trail and was now traveling down the paranoid path of the hallucinogenic rumbling through his body. Chet had to smile at the thought of the "pants police" arresting the Stoker family and hoped Mike wasn't paying any attention to Marco's ramblings.
He turned the other way and from this angle was able to catch sight of Gage's feet; curving beyond that he could just make out Desoto's slightly pigeon toed stance. He could no longer hear Johnny laughing, so either the medic was just being quiet or was possibly conversing in a low tone with his partner. Kelly couldn't believe John had been arguing with their captain, albeit a good natured, silly argument. He wondered how they had resolved it so quickly and how it had ended up with Hammer making like an Irish Fred Astaire. Probably never know the answer to that question, especially since it appeared that Johnny had gone from argumentative to finding everything incredibly funny.
And then there was Roy, who had stopped belting out that impossibly cute song. Chet hadn't pegged the man as a singer and it had never crossed his mind that DeSoto would know the words to a tune from a wildly popular musical. So that meant that Roy had either gone to see the musical or had watched the equally successful film version of it. From spacey cloud gazer to aspiring tenor, that had been quite a leap.
It was interesting how each of his crewmates was reacting to the marijuana laced brownies. Stoker had stepped into the leadership role like a natural, while their actual leader had swiftly leapt out of the position and was displaying his more artistic leanings. Marco had started out fretful, slid into giddiness, and was now becoming paranoid. Roy had gone from being kind of flakey to also demonstrating his artistic side. And Johnny was just too darn happy, exactly like he had been on one of their first shifts together when he was exposed to…..
"Melanie!" Chet exclaimed as realization struck him over the head like a sledge hammer. "That spaced out chick and her boyfriend from the van over the embankment that we rescued awhile back!* Holy smokes, Batman, that's who made the brownies and almost deprived Gage of his kid making abilities!"
The elevator lurched to a rough halt jolting Kelly back to the present. He heard Phil pulling the doors apart and felt the poles quiver slightly under his hands as everyone shifted their weight in anticipation of moving out. Hammer's calm voice took command once again as he casually instructed his men to "fall in line, march, and look smart about it". Chet snickered, not sure how that was possible since nobody was going to see them look like anything. He wasn't sure if he should be worried at what might occur in the next few minutes or just go with the flow; he decided on the latter as he followed their stalwart leader from the box.
The long caterpillar meandered down the hall towards the pediatric wing; Chet could hear complimentary comments being directed their way. So far so good as every pair of legs was marching in fairly good sync and the men were keeping quiet as directed. You couldn't say the same about their pants however – unless you walked bowlegged from too many hours in the saddle there was no way to avoid the swish, swish sound accompanying every step. He huffed softly and then grinned under the concealment of the silk as the odd but familiar sound brought back memories of elementary school. Each winter, their single file line of boys, across from the line of girls, would tread down the echoing hallways to the accompaniment of sharply creased corduroys. He hadn't thought about that in years, especially since he had never worn a pair of corduroys again after moving west at the age of twelve, but the recollections were pleasant.
The train of black pants and boots slowed and then stopped at a doorway, the slightly ajar double doors hiding them from the sight of the occupants. From inside came the rumble of children's voices, not the usual high pitched, excited voices of healthy children Chet associated with children at play, but subdued and hesitant. He grimaced as he remembered why they were here; hopefully this idea of Miss McCall's would give the kids inside something to brighten their day.
With his somewhat limited vision, Kelly saw Hawkins open the door a bit and peer inside. Dixie must have been watching as there was a sharp clap of hands and then the nurse's pleasing voice rang out.
"All right, children, we have a little surprise for you today for our reading time…..may I present a very hungry caterpillar!"
Phil, grinning like the Cheshire cat, shot out a long arm and pushed one door open while the other one was pulled from the inside. Captain Hammer began a sinuous crawl into the room, manipulating the poles like a pro. The insect's head bobbed up and down and side to side; Chet had a hard time keeping up with the nimble movements of his captain's feet that were as fast as the hands controlling the head.
A shocked silence was followed by excited squeals and giggles from the children as all six men entered the room and wove in and out of the small groupings of chairs, wheelchairs, and narrow beds on wheels for the nonambulatory children. Curious hands reached out to touch the silky fabric and Chet was unable to keep the silly smile off of his face as a tiny boy, head bandaged, latched onto his leg and clung tightly. The Irishman staggered, quickly righted himself, and tried to keep up with Hammer's now slower but steady pace. Luckily a candy striper noticed the clinging human barnacle and rescued the lineman before he tipped over and took the rest of the caterpillar with him.
Less than an hour later, the train of silk and men was heading for the elevator. In Chet's opinion, they had all behaved in a decorous manner, well, for five men under the influence. Of course, there had been that moment when Stoker had started singing what sounded like the words of the caterpillar story to the tune of the Itsy Bitsy Spider. The other guys had promptly joined in, making Chet wonder if they had rehearsed this and not bothered to tell him. There was no way, especially the single and childless guys, that they would know the words to a children's book. But the song had been well received by both the kiddos and their caregivers; Kelly had managed to hum along but didn't dare try and fudge the words.
They had also, with the encouragement of head nurse Dixie McCall, paraded through several of the spacious rooms that held twelve beds. That had simply involved entering and meandering down the center aisle and out the door on the other side. It would have been a speedy process except for the fact that their normally reserved leader had again done a little showing off, both with the wooden poles and his footwork. Chet could do nothing but curse himself for being positioned behind the improvising captain and mumble under his breath as he tried to stay upright and match or at least keep up with the insect head.
But Johnny had been right; the whole process had definitely taken less than two hours even with the Cap's added shenanigans. They entered the freight elevator and curled tightly into a circle while Phil repeated the earlier steps with the doors. As they began to descend, with Marco once again complaining about his pants and Johnny chastising him between snorts of laughter, Stoker cut across the conversations.
"I'm hungry," he declared loudly. "Let's get something to munch on, ok guys?"
Four voices agreed enthusiastically and Chet nodded sagely. The boys had just hit the munchie stage.
"Where should we go?" Marco asked as the elevator thunked to a rough stop.
"How about the cafeteria here at Rampart?" Roy suggested, and Johnny fervently seconded the idea.
Hammer stepped out the elevator and abruptly stopped, nearly causing a pileup behind him. "Where's this place at?"
"Let me lead the way, Cap, I know how to get there from these back hallways." Roy said.
"Good, very good, let's turn this baby around!"
The rest of the men wound out of the elevator. DeSoto lifted the silky side of his canopy and stuck his head out. "Are we switching places?"
"Heck no, just turn around where you stand. This big bug can go backwards," Dick instructed and his crew obediently shuffled around. "Let's go get some chow, boys!"
Roy struck off down the hall, the tail now leading. Chet followed the long legs of Mike and contemplated the logistics of winding their way thru the busy hallways to the cafeteria. Hawkins shared his concerns as he strolled alongside Hammer and brought up that problem as well as another one.
"Captain Hammer, just how do you propose to eat? You cannot set this caterpillar down in the cafeteria, and short of resting the top of the costume on your heads so that you can free up your hands…."
Hammer cleared his throat. "Of course we won't damage this fine specimen, Mr. Hawkins. We'll simply choose something sweet or salty out of the vending machines, and let you carry the loot back to the van for us, if that's ok with you of course."
"Right, I can do that for you and your men." Phil appeared to be somewhat mollified by the answer he received until they swayed around a corner. An exclamation and the sound of metal hitting the floor, along with the lead paramedic's hasty apology reached their ears. Phil's next question came out in a harsh whisper but Chet still heard it. "And just how do you propose making your way to the machines without wiping out half the staff of the hospital?"
Dick's reply was sheepish. "Would you mind running interference for us?"
A disgusted snort escaped Hawkins but he left Hammer's side and hastened towards DeSoto, who had slowed their pace down considerably. They picked up speed a bit as the man cleared a path for them.
Chet felt his ears burning as they wound their way through white uniform and green scrub clad legs; most of the comments were positive but there were a few…..
"Gage, I'm gonna get you," he promised under his breath as a group of nurses kept pace with them and offered up some suggestions concerning both the caterpillar and the black legs underneath it. He literally cringed as one outspoken member of the group let out a whoop.
"I recognize those boots! There are firemen under that costume ladies!" Little screams of glee met her announcement and now the white shod feet moved closer, hands reaching out to lift the sides to determine which station the distinctive boots belonged to.
DeSoto broke into an undignified trot, dragging the rest of them with him. Fleeing the hounds of hell no doubt, Chet thought, as he clutched his bamboo sticks a little tighter and tried to jerk away from the questing, outstretched fingers. His stomach was beginning to bounce, confirming his earlier suspicions about being at the end of the crack the whip line. Hammer was complaining sotto voice about Roy's actions while also trying to reason with the nurse that was trying to lift the garish green head up.
"Ladies, ladies!" A stern voice interrupted the noisy melee; fingers instantly disappeared as the head nurse's voice scattered the women and brought the caterpillar to a stumbling halt.
"John Gage, what has gotten into you fellows?"
Chet couldn't hear the sputtered reply, but since he was the only one who actually knew what was happening, he figured he had better speak up before Gage really got himself into trouble.
~eeeEEEeee~
Two hours later five very quiet men climbed into Johnny's van. Without a word of complaint, Chet crawled into the nest of camping gear and got comfortable. He peered over the seat and scrutinized his silent crewmates.
"Eh, sorry guys for ratting you out, but," he began in an apologetic tone.
Captain Hammer interrupted, leaning sideways in his seat so that he could view the firemen behind him. "It was a smart thing to do, Kelly, if anything you should be commended for your actions. Let's forget the whole thing, shall we? There was no harm done, so I don't see the need to track down the woman to press charges; the fire department doesn't need THIS kind of publicity."
Murmured agreement rose from his men. Johnny's hand hovered over the keys hanging from his ignition as he considered the words. "Yeah, and Dixie and Dr. Early sure won't be telling any tales. They were both cool about it."
"That's for sure, especially when they let us satisfy our munchie cravings," Marco agreed fervently, rubbing his stomach and stifling a belch as his chili settled. The bag of Fritos rustled under his hand as he moved it away from Stoker's keen gaze.
Mike smiled. "Don't worry, Marco, I'm stuffed. Plus I think my cravings have pretty much subsided."
"Geesh, I hope so. I think you cleaned the cafeteria out of those meatballs and the bread pudding," Roy teased gently, slipping his candy bar wrapper under his leg and thinking about what had transpired after his slightly panicked run down the hall and Chet's disclosure.
Under close supervision by Dixie, the men had returned the caterpillar back to Phil Hawkins's van. Phil, his earlier irritation about his creation walking backwards down the busy hallways already gone, had accepted the men's thanks and handshakes with an amused smirk. He had garnered a kiss from the nurse which had changed the smirk to a pleased smile; he drove off slowly, waving a hand in farewell through his open window.
Dixie, hands on hips, had whirled around in time to catch the Station 51 men slinking towards freedom via Gage's vehicle. It was the wordless glare piercing Johnny's back that made him turn around, his boyish smile in full wattage. She had advanced on them with a smile of her own and her hand outstretched.
"Keys, Mr. Gage. Until Joe checks you all out and the, um, brownies wear off you can lounge around the lounge and enjoy some food."
And that was what had happened. They had remained out of sight, sequestered really as no one was allowed to enter the room they were in. They ate and guzzled water until Dr. Early deemed them safe to leave. Now they were headed back to the station to retrieve vehicles and finish their day off.
"You know, I think the kids enjoyed the caterpillar," Marco mused.
"And the dancing….." Roy added, grinning.
"Don't forget the singing…" Johnny contributed with a chuckle, down shifting as they rolled to a red light.
"That's all that matters, right? The children were happy, and we all got out of there in one piece." Mike said.
"Mostly in one piece," Marco complained, pointing at his pants but refraining from touching them. "What I want to know is why didn't your pants rip apart?"
"Oh that's easy. I took a look at them last night after Connie went to bed and noticed they needed some reinforcement, so I got on the sewing machine and fixed them."
Lopez slapped a hand to his forehead. "Why didn't you fix mine, Stoker?"
"The noise woke up the wife and I kinda got distracted after that….." His voice was apologetic but his smile was sly as his admission was met with groans and laughs.
Roy slumped back in his seat shaking his head. He looked over his crewmates all relaxed and laughing, and wondered how he had ended up with such an odd but great group of guys. Only time would tell whether the camaraderie would continue to grow but he had a strong feeling that it would. And Marco was right; the young patients had enjoyed the visit from the crawly insect, Dixie had been pleased with the overall visit, and they hadn't embarrassed themselves too much, at least as far as he remembered! It may have lasted a little longer than it should have thanks to those pot laced brownies, but there was plenty of time left in the day to spend with his family and work on their Christmas plans.
He sighed in contentment and stretched out his legs as far as he was able. Closing his eyes, he let himself bask in the low key merriment going on about him while letting his mind wander ahead to his wife and children.
~Fini~
A/N: The story being read by Dixie is The Hungry Caterpillar, by Eric Carle.
*Chapter 5, B is For Beginning