Chapter Eleven
Lister tilted his head back and let the cold lager flood over his taste buds, his chin…his shirt. After years spent drinking JMC generic brews and fermented urine recyc, the taste and feel of the real thing was like fresh air to a sewage processing tech who'd lost his filter mask. If he could just find a legit, Earth-brand cigarette—
"Over here," came a deep, plummy voice. "This must be one of them."
"Hey, you – in the ratty jacket," said a second voice, quite similar to the first. "Is it true? Did you come here with Simon Fletcher?"
Lister reluctantly lowered his pint glass to the bar and turned, only to find himself staring into the narrow, frowning faces of two uniformed officers who could only be Rimmer's older brothers.
"What's it to you?" he asked.
"Well, I just happen to have ol' Fletch on the line," the taller of the two said, holding out a pocket viewer. "Tell him where you are, Cousin."
The man on the little screen crossed his arms and said, "Where's it look like? I'm right here on base, just as I have been for the past four weeks. Whoever's crashed your shindig has got to be some ruddy impostor."
"Thanks, old man," the taller man said. He broke the link and shoved the viewer back in his pocket.
"So, old chum," he challenged, the pair of them closing in on Lister. "Care to offer up an explanation?"
"Why? What do you need explained?" Lister retorted.
The brothers advanced and grabbed Lister by the arms.
"How about trespassing," the older one said. "Impersonating a—"
"Hey, stop, get off me, man!" Lister protested, clinging to the bar stool with all his might. "No one impersonated anyone. It's your brother Frank who mistook our shipmate for your cousin. Check the sign-in, if you don't believe me. You'll see we're here with someone completely different!"
"One of the Family?" the shorter brother demanded.
"Who else?" Lister shot back.
"All right," the taller brother said, leaning in without easing his grip. "His name."
Lister smirked.
"Rimmer," he said.
The taller man cocked an eyebrow.
"Lookie here, Howie," he said, and wrenched Lister's wrist up behind his back. "Seems we've got ourselves a comedian."
"I'm serious," Lister said, wincing through the pain. "His name's Rimmer! Arnie J. Friends call 'im 'Ace.'"
"Never heard of him," Howard said.
Lister snorted.
"Seriously? You're seriously tellin' me you've never heard of Arnold J. Rimmer? Tallish, beady eyes? Hair that looks like somethin' you'd find cloggin' the sink?"
Howard and John shared a horrified look. John released Lister's arm and stepped back in disgust, wiping his hands on his uniform trousers as if Lister were contaminated by association.
"You can't mean…" Howard choked.
"But, isn't he supposed to be on Titan?" John demanded.
Howard shook his head.
"I don't know, and I don't care. All I do know is, if he is here, we can't let Mother see him. How did he find out about today's event? Did he actually get an invitation?"
John frowned, his high forehead furrowing.
"Frank," he said accusingly. "It has to be. Ever since he took that hush-hush assignment, there's been something off about him."
"You're right," Howard said. "He has been distracted. But still, it's not like Frank to drop the ball like this. Especially when it comes to that ungrateful, boneheaded twat!"
Lister squinted at them.
"That boneheaded twat's your kid brother, isn't he?"
John and Howard seemed to shudder.
"Not by choice," John said.
"No, certainly not," Howard agreed. "Little weasel's been an embarrassment from day one."
"Poor Mother's still never forgiven herself for keeping him in the first place," John muttered.
"Keepin' him?" Lister repeated. "What do you mean, keepin' him?"
Howard raised his eyebrows.
"You mean, you don't know?" he snorted. "The Bonehead was a mistake. A cuckoo!"
"Wrong egg in the right nest," John explained in response to Lister's blank expression.
"Right enough," Howard said. "Seems the genetics company screwed up and implanted an unenhanced embryo along with the designer child Mother had paid for. Once they realized, they offered to fix the mistake, no extra charge, but by then the little creep was already sixteen months old, and dear Mother just didn't have the heart to nuke him."
"It's her one weakness," John said. "That soft streak."
"She was so convinced nurture would win out over nature, if she could just be diligent enough. She sacrificed so much to ensure he had the strictest upbringing, the best education…"
"We all know how that turned out," John said, and wrinkled his nose. "Failure after failure, from start to finish. Then, after all the hard work she put in, the strings she pulled and deals she cut just to keep him in that high-powered school, the little turd has the nerve to take her and Father to court – demand full emancipation!"
Howard nodded his sympathy.
"They should have shipped him off to Earth, or some mining colony. Let him be raised by other Nehbees…"
"Nehbees?" Lister repeated the unfamiliar term.
"Non-Enhanced Human Beings," John spelled out, shooting him an arch look down his nose. "Don't tell me you're one of them."
"Wouldn't know," Lister said. "I was adopted meself."
The brothers took another step back.
"Right, I've heard enough," John said, pulling out his viewer and tapping at the screen. "We can't have these Nehbee reprobates running about, ruining our parents' big day. You and the rest of your gate-crashing cronies have a date with our guard house, my lad. The authorities will be along soon enough to evict the lot of you from our property."
He scowled down at the little device, and tapped the screen again.
"Damnit, Frank, pick up," he muttered.
"Something wrong?" Howard asked, peering over his shoulder.
"I can't get hold of Frank," John snapped, and turned his glare back to the bar. "We'll just have to- Wait… Where's he gone?"
The brothers circled the bar, each blaming the other for losing their quarry, but Lister had already melted into the crowd. He had to find Rimmer, had to warn him…
But Rimmer was nowhere to be seen. Cat and Kochanski seemed to be making quite a spectacle of themselves, however, so Lister adjusted his course and made a beeline straight for them.
To Be Continued...
Next Time: Rimmer confronts Frank. What sort of top secret project did Frank sign up for? And what's going on with his arm? Stay Tuned!
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