A/N: Well, we're finally here. The end. It took me longer than I would've wanted, but we got there in the end! I wanna thank everyone who's been sticking with this story and not giving up on me over the past year, I don't think I ever would've completed this without your support. I will be uploading an epilogue after this chapter though, hopefully before the end of the year, with glimpses of their life together after all this drama and shit. Imma put Heather in her place, let Duncan work on cars with his Uncle, have Courtney stress out over law school and maybe, down the line, they'll have a kid or two. Who knows? I know, mohahah.
I do not own Total Drama, all rights reserved to the respective owners.
"I don't know what's going on with you and Heather", DJ started as we got into his car, he turned the ignition and the engine slowly puttered to life.
"It's not a big deal", I said, cutting him off before he could start down the train of pity.
"Heather's always been… well, Heather. It hasn't bothered you before."
"Oh it's always bothered me", I muttered angrily at the memories of her viciousness throughout the years. It had started small, with mostly harmless comments thrown at the closets target, but it didn't take long for it to grow; the comments turning into insults, insults into rumors, rumors into actual physical acts of dominance. I figured in the beginning it had been a way for her to deal with something behind the scenes, and over the years the mask of cruelty and confidence had melted onto her face until she herself couldn't even distinguish the two personas. I knew I was well on that road myself before Bridgette inserted herself into my life, pulling me away from the supposedly perfect life my family was living, tearing my walls down brick by brick until the truth came spilling out. I still valued intelligence and hard work above most things, that would never change, but she helped me realize the comfort of true friendship and not having to uphold a façade only for the convenience of others. I loved her for that.
"You know what I mean", DJ said pointedly, his eyes, full of worry, flicking between me and the road.
"Yeah", I sighed, "I know." It wasn't long after that, that we stood parked outside Geoff's house.
"I ain't gonna force it out of you", he said, turning to me in his seat as he pocketed the car keys, "but just know that I'm here."
"You're a really good friend, DJ", I smiled and wrapped my arms loosely around him.
"I do what I can", he joked, chuckling heartily, the sound vibrating through my chest as he reciprocated the hug.
The air was chilly as we stepped out of the car, making me bury my hands in the pockets of my jacket. The grass had grown stiff and white, coated by a thin layer of frost, and the birds chirped lively as they flew huddled together in v-formations over the sky, aiming for the warmth of the south.
Bridgette smiled when she opened the door, ushering us inside in an effort to keep the cold out. She had the end of the arms of her thick hoodie bunched up in her hands, already noticeably freezing, and the dropping temperature outside did nothing to help.
"Geoff's mom ordered too much Chinese food yesterday", she said happily as she waited in the hall for DJ and I to put our coats and shoes away.
"How do you even order too much food for a family of eight?" I questioned with a laugh.
"Believe me when I say it ain't the first time", Geoff stated as he joined us by the front door before adding, "she's neurotic when it comes to me and my brothers", with a shake of his head.
But just as we turned around, taking aim for the kitchen, the door opened behind us again.
"'Sup, party people?" Duncan hollered, shrugging the jacket off his body before greeting DJ and Geoff with a high five each.
I dragged Bridgette a step back with me as we all followed Geoff into the kitchen, whispering in panic and shock, "I thought you said he wouldn't be here."
"I didn't think he would be", she whispered back, her eyes full of sympathy as they flicked between Duncan and I. I gathered myself with a sigh; I had known it would happen sooner or later; I couldn't avoid him forever.
We watched in silence as the three guys talked among themselves while stacking various boxes of food on the counter, my nails scratching subconsciously along my arm, leaving long, angry streaks of red on my skin.
Even with the food being leftovers, even with a family of eight satiating their hunger the night before, there was still enough left to feed all five of us and more. I quietly snatched an unheated box of wok as Geoff poured some, now warm, beef sloppily into a bowl, and I could feel Duncan watching me from the corner of his eye. I almost liked cold noodles and chicken more than hot, freshly cooked, it was just another thing he'd learned about me from the weeks we had spent together. Just like I knew he over-salted his fries to the point of them tasting like the sea and preferring his coffee black in the morning, but with just a tiny splotch of milk in the afternoon.
I didn't acknowledge him when we descended the basement stairs together, claiming the armchair Geoff and Bridgette usually sat on for myself, putting distance between Duncan and I as best I could without it being too obvious. I sank low into the chair and held the cool box close to my body in an attempt to hide the reddened skin on my arms. He didn't need proof I was thinking about what had happened; about us; about him.
But I knew he knew anyway.
With most of the food gone, a comfortable silence had filled the room. Or at least for three of us. Bridgette had snuggled up into Geoff's chest, his arm draped over her shoulders as he held her close and DJ watched the show on TV intently, like it wasn't the hundredth rerun. But every now and then my eyes would drift to the neon green in my peripheral and every time I would feel my stomach clench. He probably hated me by now; I know I would've.
"See, now that's hot", Duncan piped up suddenly, gesturing towards the screen, "A woman that knows what she wants." I didn't know if it was nothing more than a thought he let slip, or a deliberate jab at me - at the uncertainty I had let dictate our relationship to the point of implosion -, but it didn't matter; it still hurt. But then his eyes flitted over to me, to my crossed arms and grinding teeth. Something glinted in his eyes as he looked me over, something I couldn't quite put my finger on; anger? Regret? Longing?
"Yeah", I said and uncrossed my legs, leaning forward in the armchair, "I agree, confidence is sexy. You know, not having to be reminded every five minutes why someone is with you in the first place." It was a low blow, I knew it, but it was a blow that pushed the attack right back at him, shielding me from it.
Bridgette watched the exchange worriedly, completely abandoning the show still playing on the TV screen, ready to jump in between us at a moments notice. I didn't want her to have to, but arguing with him was the only thing I could do to stop myself from remembering; remembering the sweet words he had whispered into my neck in the darkness as he pulled me closer in bed, the way his eyes glossed over in lust when we'd make out, the soothing rhythm of his heart as I fell asleep with my head on top of his chest.
Duncan's eyes darkened as I spoke, my gaze holding his firmly, but instead of answering, he just turned his head back to the TV, as if I hadn't even spoken. Blowing me off like I was nothing. And I was not nothing! How dare he think he can ignore me?
It continued like that for the next few hours, jibes not-so-subtly directed at each other and anger and pain bubbling just underneath the surface. It continued until the sun outside had set and snow started drifting down from the sky; slowly, as if the flakes wanted to dance together in the wind before covering the ground.
DJ drove me back home, and even though I had noticed his questioning expressions and looks of deep thought and confusion in the basement, he didn't mention the poisonous glares and words I had exchanged with Duncan. Maybe he knew - he more than probably knew - what had happened between us over the last few months, but even then he kept quiet and respected my obvious discomfit around the subject.
Over the next three weeks I shoved everything to do with my relationship with Duncan away; packed it up in a box and pushed it into the furthest corner of my mind, tucked away, never to be opened again. His presence at school was sporadic at best and I became better at ignoring the locked box of emotions with every passing day, and the few times I had had to face him the rest of our friend group - or some variety of it - always functioned as a buffer.
Until one day they didn't.
English class had been let out early that day before lunch and I was walking outside to rest against my favorite tree as I waited for Bridgette. The last few days had been warm, letting the snow melt until the green of the grass was more or less visible again - even though we neared the end of November and the snow still fell freely from the sky on a daily basis -, and besides the uncharacteristic and worrying warmth, I needed the fresh air.
I stopped short as I spotted the neon green that used to cause a flutter in my stomach but now only made me sick to my bones. Duncan was leaning up against the tree with a cigarette between his teeth and a coat of white powder covered the tips of his mohawk, making an unbalanced contrast to his abnormal hair.
I decided to swallow the hurt and embarrassment I felt as I saw him standing there, alone, lost in thought, and walk over to the soon-to-be circle. I hoped that Bridgette and the others wouldn't take long so my one-on-one time with him - the man who had awakened so many things inside of me, the man who I had hurt, the man who had hurt me back -, would be as short as possible.
I took a seat on the slightly damp grass across from Duncan, making sure my jacket shielded me from the snow on the ground, and hugged my knees to my chest. It felt weird to be alone, yet so far apart. For the longest time I had positioned myself next to Duncan at every chance I got, but the tension between us now would probably explode into physical anger if either of us moved closer.
I heard Duncan mumble something with profanity linked to my name when he looked my way and saw me sitting there uncomfortably, but I decided to ignore it.
"You're not even going to acknowledge me?" he asked annoyed and spat on the ground over his shoulder, making the snow in his hair shake from its place and fall across his face. He swiped the cold away before exhaling a big sigh, smoke seeping through his lips.
"I'm waiting for Bridgette", I answered without looking at him, my gaze was glued at the opening to the schoolyard to my right where I knew - hoped - my friends would soon appear out of.
"So?" Duncan spat out, the annoyed tone slowly developing into anger, "I'm waiting for them too."
"Fine", I spat back and looked up at him, "I acknowledge you. Happy now?" Before he could answer I scoffed and turned my head away toward the opening again.
"What's your problem anyway? Ever since you broke things off you've been pissed at me!"
"My problem is that you act like you don't care about anything and then get offended when people actually believe your façade", I shook my head in anger, my voice rising in volume the longer I talked.
"Of course I get offended when you're embarrassed of me", Duncan shouted, making me face him with a harsh expression.
"You said you didn't care", I shouted back and let go of my legs. To hug my legs looked insecure and weak, and I was anything but at the moment; I felt angry, strong and ready to attack.
"Oh, so you admit you were embarrassed?" he said with poison dripping from his words, the question sounding more like a statement.
"What do you care? You have Heather now", I replied angrily and looked away again, my volume back to normal. Saying her name felt like a dagger being stabbed in my gut. "Again."
"I don't have Heather", Duncan spoke through gritted teeth, his volume mimicking mine.
"Really? Because the two of you have been looking real cozy lately", I scowled at him, wanting him to feel the same dagger I felt. Duncan sighed again and stomped his cigarette out on the cold, wet ground before sliding down the tree, plopping down on the ground with a grunt, running his hands over his face tiredly before leaning his forehead in his palms.
We sat in silence for a while, a few students were out on the quad but nowhere near the usual number thanks to the steadily falling snow.
"Erm, hi you guys", an awkward voice rang to my right. I interrupted my glaring at the ground, wishing for it to just open up and swallow Duncan whole so I didn't have to overthink every action and word coming from him and beat myself up for putting us in this situation in the first place, and turned my eyes to the voice. Geoff stood two meters away with one arm around a concerned and uncomfortably looking Bridgette, his other hand was nervously scratching the back of his neck.
"Finally", Duncan muttered and lowered his hands from covering his expression; he looked cold, hurt and guilty. Geoff and Bridgette sat down on my right side, on Duncan's left, creating a semicircle with the four of us. I knew the newly arrived couple could sense the tension and anger lingering in the air. Bridgette kept throwing glances full of concern my way and her nervous habit of picking and biting her nails went unnoticed by no one.
After a handful of aggravating minutes I stood up quickly, having had enough of the unpleasant small talk and worried looks. I brushed any lingering snow from my legs before making a lame excuse for my quick departure. I bumped into DJ on the way inside, I had looked nowhere else but my own shoes as I walked in a hasty pace.
"Whoa there", DJ said and stopped me from continuing my route by positioning a hand on my shoulder, "I could've knocked you over, Courtney." He sounded concerned, just like Bridgette and Geoff had, just like the tone I was trying to escape. "Hey, are you paying attention?" A big, dark hand waved in front of my face, snatching my gaze up from the floor onto the face attached to the arm and voice.
"Yeah", I answered with a nod and pressed my lips together, "just need to pee really badly", I lied.
"Okay, well be careful, don't want you getting hurt", DJ said before letting his hand fall of my shoulder. He didn't sound convinced and I was sure he was going to ask the other three about my strange behavior once he reached them outside.
"I will", I said and tried to smile, though it probably came out in a distorted expression.
The girls bathroom was lit with cold fluorescent lights, making the white tile walls appear slightly blue. One of the three mirrors were broken, like someone had punched it, the middle one was gone completely and the third was fortunately enough intact, though very dirty. I walked over to the mirror furthest away from the door, the dirty one, and stared at my complexion. I told myself to breath and rinsed my hands with cold water, the sensation stung but made me think clearer. I patted my heated cheeks with my now cold and wet hands, closing my eyes in the process. The rinsing and patting was repeated another two times before I dried any excess droplets off my skin.
"Just ignore him", I told myself as I stared into my own eyes in the reflection. I took one last deep breath before exiting the bathroom.
"We need to talk", a deep voice said as soon as the door closed shut behind me. Duncan stood leaning against the wall outside the bathroom, his expression was unlike anything I had ever seen on him; it made my heart ache, my stomach drop and my anger boil all at the same time.
"About what?" I scoffed and leaned against the door beside him, making sure my eyes did not meet his in the process.
"Us", he said silently and I could feel his stare burn a hole in the side of my head, "Heather."
"No", I said, raising my voice and pushed away from the door to face him, "I don't want to hear about it."
"I turned her down", Duncan said, his voice still low in volume. He didn't look at me though, as soon as I faced him he turned his head down to the floor. I looked at him in disbelief and we stayed silent for a long time. Neither of us moved and the only sound was of the occasional passing students and their chatter.
"Ever since Halloween she's been following you around like a puppy", I finally said and broke the silence as a pair of blonde, twin cheerleaders walked passed us; if I remembered correctly they were two grades below us.
"It's nice to feel wanted", Duncan shrugged, anger seeping through his tone. His words hit me like a fistpunch.
"I want you", I raised my voice and held a hand to my chest, trying to ease the pain.
"You don't even want to be seen with me", Duncan violently said through his teeth, completely ignoring my sudden confession of adoration. He met my gaze and scowled back at me, like some stupid contest.
"We made a deal", I cried and got closer to him. The scent of lavender hit my nose and months worth of memories flashed through my head, making it harder with every passing second, every flash in my mind of our time together, to keep my composure.
"You really think I was okay with your stupid arrangement?" he asked viciously, the silver metal ball on his tongue glistening in the cold light shining down on us from the ceiling.
"You never told me what you wanted", I shouted in his face, "so yeah, I thought you were okay with it." I crossed my arms, shot my hip out to the right and glared at him; if looks could kill he would've been long gone by that point.
"I didn't think I had to tell you", Duncan yelled and jabbed hard at his chest. He clenched his jaw shut tight, making the bone structure of his face sharper, more well defined than usual. Both his cheekbones and jawline looked perfectly pointed and I could feel my own anger fizzle out as a result; I hadn't lied when I told him he was beautiful, not even a little bit.
"I'm not a mind reader", I snapped back and rolled my eyes, trying my best to ignore the damn attractive face in front of me.
"No, you're not", Duncan sighed with surprisingly large force and crossed his own arms over his chest, taking on a stern position as I had earlier, "the only thing you are is a hypocrite."
"What?" I scoffed, the accusation was ridiculous.
"You show me how much you like me in private, you kiss me and spend entire nights with me, yet you claim with all your power you hate me as soon as someone's watching." Duncan's voice was low now, but filled with such anger and betrayal I couldn't help but stagger backwards in shock. My own anger left my body with a jolt and sadness replaced the empty spot quickly. His words had hit close to home, my stomach twisting in painful realization.
"I can't stop", I whispered and looked down at my shoes, the tips were soaked with the cold residue of snow, leaving my toes uncomfortably wet, but cold feet were the least of my problems right now, "I'm supposed to hate you, our worlds are completely different. If I let my guard down completely, if I let you in the way you want, I'll lose the already slipping grip I have of the life I grew up with." I looked up at him again, his expression hard to read, and continued pleadingly, begging for him to understand why I had done the things I had. "Love is the opposite of everything I've ever been around, ever since I was born I've been nothing but a pretty accessory to my parents. Something to make everyone believe they're actually happy when they're obviously just too proud to get a fucking divorce."
Duncan looked at me with a mixture of emotions in his eyes; anger, regret, compassion, guilt. He stayed quiet and still for a long time, just staring at me and occasionally opening his mouth as if to speak, but closed it quickly every time. I didn't move either, trying hard to control the tears that wanted to escape my eyes and calm my breathing. I was not to be weak, not now, not here.
"I-I didn't realize-I didn't think of it like that", he finally spoke, uncertainty and pain dripping from his words.
"I can't allow myself to let you in, not like that, because if I do I'll love you. And what if you don't reciprocate it?" My eyes drifted to the floor as I played with a tiny pile of melting snow with the tip of my foot and I held my breath for his response. Never had I been so open, so honest, with the risk of being completely ridiculed and shut down. Never had I put myself on the line like this. It felt terrifying. It felt freeing.
"Who said I wouldn't?" Duncan asked in a soft voice and stepped closer to me, his big hands each took a gentle grip around my arms and I leaned my head instinctively against his chest, letting myself be held by his comforting embrace, not caring who passed us and saw the situation unfold. I still had a long way to go to be with him truly, fully, but he had slipped through the cracks of the walls I'd built around me and I knew he would help me every step of the way to discovering who I was outside of my family's morals.
Neither of us were especially good with wording our feelings, but we both knew what had just happened, what we had exchanged without naming it.
We both knew we would be okay.