*.*.*
I must have fallen asleep at my console again.
Bleary eyed and wooly-headed, I pushed my cheek off the keyboard and struggled through the fog of exhaustion that gripped me in its teeth to sit up.
"Hell," I swore while rubbing at my face, feeling a million shades of misery. "What hit me?"
The computer activated at my voice, turning on. The screen in front of me flashed, 'GOOD MORNING, DOCTOR' in big happy letters as the A.I. logged my voice print and recognised me, wagging its digital tail like an overly-excited puppy.
"Yeah, morning," I mumbled, getting my elbows under me and pushing myself into a vertical position.
The room spun. I groaned and sat back in my chair, rubbing the sides of my head, trying to remember why I'd felt like Horta poo and why I hadn't just taken my bum to bed last night, rather than hide out here in the science lab's office. I couldn't recall.
That was never a good thing.
I wouldn't have been drinking, that much I knew. Had I pulled an all-night work bender again? A distinct possibility.
I checked the clock on the wall.
2:24 a.m.
We went by Command's time here on the ship, which was set to Earth-Pacific Standard.
"It's the middle of the night," I growled at the computer.
"TECHNICALLY, IT IS MORNING, DOCTOR" it wrote back.
"Don't get cheeky."
It had nothing to say to that. Colloquialisms weren't the computer's strong point.
"What star system are we in right now?" I asked it.
"SOL, DOCTOR."
Ah, so we were almost home. Thank the Maker. I desperately needed some time away…from him.
"PASSING JUPITER, STARBOARD SIDE, DOCTOR."
I opened the blast shield over the small window in the office to take in the view of the largest planet in my home system. The lab had an even better view, as its window took up practically an entire wall, but I wasn't ready yet to face the staff that might be out there, working the graveyard shift tonight. My hands were still a little unsteady and it felt like cotton had been packed in tight between my ears.
My favourite planet was as awe-inspiring as usual as the ship moved past it on impulse power. Giant bands of cyclonic-tossed colour streaked its surface as several million years of angry storms rolled on through its atmosphere. Its gossamer rings—not as impressive as those belonging to Saturn, but inspiring nonetheless—were all that remained of its former moons Thebe and Amalthea, which were finally exploded a hundred years before by a massive, rogue comet entering the system and colliding with first one, then the other.
To my disappointment, we were past the dramatic giant in a matter of minutes, and moving on towards the centre of the system, towards the Terran home world. Towards the Spacedock that orbited it, where we'd park the ship until we had new orders.
Just like that, I suddenly remembered why I was eager to arrive at our destination: Draco…the breakup a month ago…the recent test results…
Dashing a round of tears from my eyes, I closed the metal window shade and turned back to the computer.
"Mirror, please."
The screen changed to a reflective surface.
Good lord, I looked like I'd been through one of Jupiter's tempests right then!
Reaching into the desk drawer, I pulled out a brush and ran it through my hair. Then, I grabbed a tube of lip colour from that same drawer and applied a little to my thin mouth. I pinched my cheeks.
A little better, at least.
As I got up to make my way through the lab to head for my quarters, I straightened my spine and steadied my resolve. Admiral Zabini had to approve my transfer request. He had no discernable reason not to, as my record had been exemplary and my ambitions clearly defined. It would benefit Command for me to be on a vessel or station or planet dedicated strictly to research.
And truthfully, I didn't think I could stand another year here aboard his ship.
I pressed a hand over my flat belly.
More importantly, I didn't have that kind of time.
*.*.*
I watched the Earth get smaller as we headed back out of the system and struggled not to feel so terribly disappointed.
My transfer had been denied.
Worse, I was going to be required to work not only on a new project for Command while on board for the next few weeks, but to aid the ship's crew once we reached our destination: Deneva Prime. Apparently, the colony was suffering from an infestation of deadly neural parasites and Command could spare no one else at the moment to deliver the vaccine. So, we'd turned around almost immediately after reaching Spacedock and headed back out into deep space.
Shore leave effectively cancelled. All hands on deck.
I tried hard not to feel so bitter about the fact that the Admiral hadn't even seen fit to review my petition, and not to sound so terribly selfish overall. I mean, of course, the possibility of a colony-wide plague took precedence over my personal issues. People's lives were at risk. In comparison, what was a little experimenting with variants of the vaccine we were carrying, and an unexpected pregnancy?
Sighing as I watched us pass by Jupiter once more—its angry red eye glaring at me this time, as if censuring me for my thoughts—I knew there was no more time for denials. My petition to be reassigned had been rejected, and so I was stuck here, facing him every day for the next few weeks until we got to Deneva Prime, keenly aware that what Draco and I had was over on one level, but would never be on another. I'd been avoiding that ugly truth for weeks, and the repercussions had been steep: trouble sleeping, difficulty focusing, and subpar work results.
I was going to have to face the big pink elephant in the room, even if it was now the straw that broke the camel's back: I was in love with our Captain.
Still.
Always.
And I was eight weeks pregnant with his child.
He didn't know about either awkward situation, thankfully, and I was still very much on the fence about telling him the latter, truthfully, as I wasn't sure how he'd take it. He'd been the one doing the breaking-up in our relationship, after all.
"We can't see each other anymore."
"Why not?"
"Command has heard the rumours about us, and they reiterated that no fraternization between unmarried officers of our rank was allowed while on board."
"No fraternization? For the Maker's sake, Draco, we've already done that and more! For the past three months, we've 'fraternized' enough to shake your bed right off the bloody ship! You can't be serious!"
"Hermione… Look, this is better, isn't it? We both have the careers we always wanted. Would you really risk losing your chance to someday be a Chief Scientist at Command Headquarters? Besides, you belong with the brainy-types and I'm meant for the endless dark of space, and we both know it. That's…that's always been our fate."
Just like that, it had ended. He'd returned to his duties as Captain, and I'd gone back to being the Mission Specialist on the ship.
He'd handled the end of our whirlwind romance better than I had, I could admit. I'd found it increasingly difficult to be so constantly near Draco and to know he didn't want me anymore, while he'd given me passing smiles and friendly nods. He'd treated me with cool, respectful professionalism.
And now I was pregnant, and he didn't know…and frankly, I was beginning to think I didn't want him to.
Maybe once the mission at Deneva Prime was done, I could find an excuse to stay there. I would be showing in another three months, so it would be best if I took a sabbatical for a while…
I turned from the bay window back to my desk and sat down at it to read over the data reports, determined not to give in to my tears again. The numbers blurred before me until the twos and fours looked like they were one meshed symbol blending together, though, and I set the briefing down knowing what would come next.
I slapped my hands over my eyes, embarrassed by the depth of my despair. "I want to go home," I quietly sobbed. The glass in my office was soundproof, but this confession felt too raw even to share with the air. "I want this nightmare to end."
The computer beeped at me, and I peeked between my fingers at it.
"DO YOU REQUIRE TEA, DOCTOR? IT HELPS TO CALM ONE'S DELICATE NERVES."
Delicate.
As 'in a delicate way'.
Bloody hell, the computer knew.
I cried harder.
TO BE CONTINUED...