*group hug for the sweet review leavers* :) I'm glad you enjoyed John and Clara's very first date (we all know it is one), so let's see how things unfold there...

Chapter 22

"So, what did you think?" John asked excitedly as he sank back into his seat. He was beaming at her, looking utterly exuberant.

Not knowing what else to do, Clara laughed. "I don't know you and I'm certainly not here with you. What are you doing at my table?"

"Come on," John replied, smiling at her. "It was funny. Admit it."

She chuckled because, yes, it had been funny but completely overdone. "The beginning was," Clara admitted. "Until you told the tank story."

"Hey, it's a true story," he insisted and all of a sudden, he looked terribly insulted that she didn't believe him.

"Never."

"I have the pictures to prove it."

Clara looked at him for a long moment, trying to determine whether he was telling her the truth. Even though she wasn't quite convinced, even though the entire situation was utterly ridiculous, she suddenly burst into laughter. Whether or not the story was true, the fact that John had made a fool of himself in front of everyone just seemed incredibly hilarious to her. It took him a moment, but eventually, he joined in and laughed with her until Clara's cheeks started to hurt.

"What happened to it?" she wanted to know.

He reached for his pint and took a sip. "To what?"

"To the tank."

"Oh, that," he said and then shrugged. "I donated it to a museum. Got an actual fish tank later."

Clara chuckled, shaking her head in the process. Somehow, she couldn't help but think that she had completely misjudged John. She had already seen that he was kind, but Clara hadn't bothered to look beyond that so far because her main concern had been the fact that he was the detective working on Bonnie's case. Right now, however, she was overcome by the urge to get to know him better. Their laughter died down eventually, and as the pub grew quieter after no one else volunteered to pick up the mic after John's performance, Clara considered her next move.

"John, can I ask you a personal question?" she enquired cautiously.

"Um," he hesitated. She had obviously taken him by surprise. "That depends, I suppose. How personal?"

Clara raised her head and looked straight at him and for the first time, she noticed how interesting his face really was. John was rather handsome, but not in the usual sense. She could tell his age by the lines on his forehead and around his eyes and she wasn't quite sure whether they had been the result of frowning or laughter. His grey eyes, which seemed so boyish at times, were now boring into her and he was knitting his impressive eyebrows together in her direction.

"You said you were a widower," Clara began after a moment. "I know it's none of my business, but I'm curious. What happened?"

It was clear that John hadn't expected that kind of question and in response, he blew the air out between his teeth and leaned back in his chair. His gaze wandered around the room and Clara got the impression that he was looking for an excuse or a distraction so he wouldn't have to talk about it. It was something she understood all too well; after all, she didn't like talking about Danny either.

"That was a long time ago," John said eventually. He still didn't look at her; instead, he seemed to focus on a random spot behind her as he cast his mind back to the past. "I don't really like to dwell on it, to be honest."

"I get that," Clara replied at once, "and you don't have to tell me. Like I said, I was just curious."

To her surprise, John chuckled softly and leaned forward again, resting his elbows on the table while his hands folded around his pint. "I married River in the sixties. I don't even really know why," he said, scoffing. "I mean, I loved her and we had been together for a while, but if you asked me now whose idea it was or who suggested it in the first place, I couldn't even tell you. Fact is, we got married and we were happy together and all that time, it felt like a happy accident to me. There was this great woman and she loved me and we were going to be together until death do us part."

Clara smiled at the thought of it. It was how she had felt about Danny. Meeting him, going on a first date, going on a second – in hindsight, it seemed more like a happy accident had brought them together than anything else.

"What happened to her?" Clara wanted to know, hoping that his story would take her mind off Danny.

John shrugged. "She was… special. Very brave, very determined, always craving an adventure. You looked at her and you thought that there was nothing she couldn't do," he explained, smiling. "River was an archaeologist and she often went abroad when there was an exciting dig somewhere. When I could take time off work, I sometimes travelled with her. One day, she announced that she was going off on another trip, this time to Egypt. She'd been before, but they'd uncovered some new artefact or tomb; something of that ilk."

Clara listened intently, wondering where his story would lead even though she already knew that it wasn't going to have a happy ending. And yet… she couldn't bring herself to tell him to stop. She had to know.

"I was…. a little annoyed," John went on, now lowering his gaze to the beer in his hands. "It was coming up to our tenth wedding anniversary and I had made plans, plans I hadn't told her about because it was going to be a surprise. So, I was annoyed because I knew she'd be gone for the big day."

"What did you do?" Clara asked curiously.

John shrugged and when he uttered a laugh, it was still a sad one, even though what he was telling her about had happened decades before. "We fought," he explained. "We often did that, but we always made up eventually. As soon as her plane took off, I felt so guilty because I knew she was passionate about her work and I knew that we could still celebrate our anniversary later and I vowed to myself that I would apologise for making a scene as soon as she got back."

John paused and there was no need for him to continue the story because Clara knew. Just by looking at him, she could tell what had happened next.

"She never came back," Clara finished his sentence for him.

Without looking up, John shook his head. "It's one thing to lose your wife," he said. "It's another to lose someone and have so much left to say, so much to apologise for, and you know that the other person is never going to hear it."

Clara wasn't quite sure why she was doing it, but on the spur of the moment, she reached over and placed her hand on his wrist in an attempt to comfort him. "I get that," Clara said sincerely. That was something she understood all too well.

Finally, John lifted his head and when he looked at her, Clara felt as if he was looking into her soul her with his gaze. "Why?" he wanted to know. "Have you lost someone?"

In response, she opened her mouth and she was about to tell him: she was about to tell him all of it. Danny. The accident. Everything she had worked out after. And yet… something stopped her before she could get the words out, and she knew that she would never get a chance to put things right if she told John now. "My mum," she said instead. "I told you about her."

For a moment, it seemed as if John didn't quite believe her and Clara quickly withdrew her hand and looked away.

"Right," he said, smiling softly. "Yeah, you told me."

There was an awkwardly long moment of silence before Clara exhaled sharply and leaned back. "I'm sorry I brought this up," she apologised. "I feel like I completely ruined the good mood."

John chuckled. "It's okay," he reassured her. "I mean, it's been twenty years. At some point, you just get over it. I admit, it took me a long time, but I've accepted the fact that I'll never be able to apologise and I don't think River would hold it against me."

Cautiously, Clara lifted her head and smiled at him even though she had to force herself to do so. A part of her envied John for his ability to move on and she wished that she could do the same thing: move on, forget about it, accept that Danny wouldn't want her to grieve forever. But to do that would mean abandoning her plan and that would mean that some sacrifices would have been made in vain.

"Now that we've completely ruined the evening," John went on and his voice sounded a lot lighter than it had before, "would you like to take a depressing walk along the harbour and talk about how the world is going to the dogs?"

Clara chuckled in response, but the idea of fresh air greatly appealed to her right now. "You know what? Let's do just that," she agreed, smiling at him. And even though the evening hadn't gone exactly as planned, Clara still felt her spirits lift a little and it was because of John. Looking at him, she felt as if somehow, at some point, life was going to get better. It just had to.