Chapter 12
A/N We apologise for the delay in posting this update but trust that it is worth the wait!
Caroline had often felt that the know-it-all attitude of her teenage son was the most infuriating part of being his mum. Indeed there were many times when she thought that they would both be happier if he went to boarding school. Whatever patience she needed with the students at school paled into insignificance when compared to the amount required for her contact with Lawrence. Nevertheless, that evening she was quite happy for Lawrence to take centre stage with his outlandish, egotistical opinions and thereby occupy the time and attention of his Grandmother as it prevented Celia from resuming her questioning about 'the clinic'.
The visit drew to an abrupt close when Alan fell asleep and Celia was persuaded by his heavy nasal breathing and open mouth that they needed to head back to the flat. However, Celia's parting comment, whispered in Caroline's ear as she kissed her goodnight, made it clear that she had not been fooled.
"I will speak to you soon, lady. I am, as you well know, a dog with a bone when I think I'm being lied to or appeased."
Her comment was overheard by Alan and his mouth opened yet again; this time in astonishment at his wife's continued arrogance. His firm hand in the middle of her back steered her rapidly towards the door.
Kate was equally astounded and anxious to see them leave, to reduce the risk that Celia would learn anything, and she voiced her worries when she had Caroline to herself.
"Caroline, please do not tell your mum about our hopes for a baby. I don't yet have the wherewithal to have conversations with her about this. It will be different if, no, when I get pregnant. Please, promise me."
"I won't tell her. I've been thinking about this and I think we could lead her to think that it's a medical connected with the insurance taken out for the joint mortgage. She's sharp but I think that will be enough. Don't worry, I'm my mother's daughter and I'll make sure we stay one step ahead!"
The meticulous attention to detail of the headmistress was in full flow the next morning and Kate smiled when she saw the time-table for the preparation for, and journey to, the appointment. If nothing else, this again showed how much importance her wife was giving to this venture and it warmed her heart. They had managed to juggle their work commitments to get the morning off without too many questions being asked and they dropped Lawrence at the bus stop before heading to Manchester. Both women were beset by nerves and even listening to the dulcet tones of Andrew Castle's Smooth radio programme did nothing to reduce their respective blood pressures. During the drive they communicated through clasped hands whenever it was safe to do so as conversation was in short supply, both women lost in overwhelming depths of concentration and apprehension. Their connection was intense and both women felt that they had never been closer.
Just after midday Caroline was back behind her desk. Absent-mindedly chewing the end of her pen she realised that her bite had been too intense and she spent the next few moments carefully removing plastic fragments from the inside of her mouth. She held her head in her hands and wondered why she was so incompetent, although she was not thinking of the wound to her lip as she did so. Despite her confidence in work situations she was never at ease with social contact in the way which others seem to be. Neither was she stupid and she recognised that there would always be ups and downs in any form of relationship but she could not fathom how she could be so inept, as she seemed to have been, in such dramatic form. A Bible verse from a recent school assembly came to mind: 'How can two walk together unless they are agreed?' She smiled despite herself and spoke aloud.
"Quoting the Bible at myself now. Goodness, that's a first."
She eventually gave in to the overwhelming emotions that had plagued her all morning and let out a faint sob as a tear splashed on her lilac cardigan. She replayed the events of the visit to the clinic over and over but couldn't see what she'd done wrong.
When they arrived at the clinic their happiness was palpable, it was the beginning of the making of their new family. They sat holding hands in the waiting room, marvelling at the pictures on the walls of the babies that the clinic had helped conceive. They imagined a picture of their child up on the wall and their hearts were full of joy and anticipation.
They were presented with a bill of nearly £1400 which would cover the initial and review consultation, the half a dozen extra counselling sessions they were advised to have, a fertility MOT, pre-treatment investigations and various other fees and add-ons. Caroline, being Caroline, had offered to pay or at least go halves but Kate insisted that she had savings and could manage. Then, when they were advised that each round of treatment could cost potentially £3000, that's when it all went wrong.
"Well, hopefully we won't need more than two attempts, as I'll have used all my savings by then," Kate fretted.
Caroline winced as she remembered Kate's reaction to her saying that she was quite happy to pay, or at least contribute half of the cost of the treatment.
"You know how much I wish I could get you pregnant, for us to conceive a child through our love. I want to feel like I've done my bit throughout all of this so please let me help, Kate."
Another tear fell as Caroline recalled Kate's curt reply. "Caroline, yes this will be our baby but I don't need you to buy it for me. How many times do I have to tell you?"
The tears flowed freely now, the journey back to Harrogate on what should have been one of the happiest days of their lives, turned out to be anything but. As usual Caroline had clammed up when faced with any sort of confrontation with Kate. That is, not so much clammed up as being lost for words.
"Kate, I, I, I'm not trying to buy you a baby but this is the only way I can be involved at this stage, why does that seem so unreasonable to you, it's cruel to suggest that my offer has come from anywhere apart from the love I..."
"... If you love me, you'd know why having a baby is so important to me and why when I say I don't need your money to make it happen, I'm not being cruel." Kate bellowed back.
"I do love you. How can you even question that! After everything we've been through, how dare you..."
Caroline glared at her wife in disbelief. Was that what Kate thought she was trying to do? A hundred different emotions were flooding her at the moment, ranging from disbelief to utter hopelessness, that the woman she loved more than life itself, didn't understand her. She felt overwhelmed by despair. The long and the short of it was that there were times when it seemed that she made things go wrong even when her motives were pure and her character beyond reproach. She had wanted to reach out and hold Kate's hand but the dark eyes that locked onto hers weren't loving or forgiving.
"I know you love me but this is my dream that I'm sharing with you, I wish you could get me pregnant too but you can't. I wish we had met years ago and already had two children of our own but we don't. For years I've had to live with feeling inadequate; each time I miscarried I felt less and less of a woman. Now aged 42, this is my last chance; I need to do this, I need to conceive, I need to feel in control. Call me selfish but this is about my need to feel whole, not about your ability to pay."
The journey continued in silence, both women lost in their thoughts and emotions. When they arrived at school Kate was running late for the lunchtime choir rehearsal and dashed off with a terse "See you later."
With the events of the morning replaying themselves in her mind, Caroline sobbed; Kate's words stinging now as they did then. She dabbed away at the tears that wouldn't stop and stared out of her office window.
'Why did it always have to be this way?' she thought. This being out of sync with one another was over now that they were reconciled, or so she had believed. She loved how they both dealt with Celia, Lawrence and Gillian; yet here they were again.
She remembered the occasion when she had opened herself up to Gillian. She had called herself inept and emotionally crippled and that was indeed how she was, then. Caroline had thought – no, believed – that she had achieved insight into her short-comings at that time and had amazed herself at her development. Her self-assessment at that moment was that not enough improvement had been made. Alone and feeling incredibly lonely she continued to stare through the window at the leaves being blow by the wind, watching their journeys as they were tossed and twirled upwards before falling again, at the mercy of the gusts and calm.
"I know how you feel," she sobbed aloud again. The ups and downs of her relationship with Kate were especially vivid. With John it had always been that she was in control, not just because he was so incompetent but, in all honesty, because that was how she liked it. Had Kate's love not helped her move away from that mind-set?
With this in mind, she resolved to find Kate and suggest that they go out for a meal tonight and sort things out once and for all. It was as she was beginning to feel a bit more confident about her ability to pull them back together again that, right on cue, Bev came in with a pot of tea and an assortment of biscuits.
"You'll need this before your 2 o'clock meeting with the heads of department," the faithful secretary announced. Caroline managed a half smile. Bev had a knack of knowing when she was upset or troubled with matters at home, as opposed to work. Caroline loved that she didn't pry, her coming in with a cup of tea seemed to be her way of saying that she would be alright.
"Have I told you how much I appreciate you and to please never change?" the headmistress asked, tilting her head slightly.
"Yes and yes, a thousand times," the P.A smiled her reply. "And how many times have I told you that you try too hard when you don't need to and not hard enough when you should. Honestly, I can read you like an open book."
"Ok that's enough now; when I need advice I'll ask for it, thank you." Caroline's words were spoken kindly and she couldn't help but smile fondly at this woman who knew everything without asking and always had some pearl of wisdom tucked away ready to share.
"Will you put my 2 o'clock meeting back a quarter of an hour and..." before the blonde could finish her sentence, spot on as always, Bev finished her sentence for her by saying "and send for Mrs McKenzie-Dawson. Yes, right away".
"Alright smarty-pants, go on, be off with you!" Once again the headmistress tried to stifle a huge grin but couldn't.
The door had been closed for less than five minutes when there was a knock. Thinking it was Kate, Caroline jumped up, smartened her cardigan and smiled as she walked to greet her beloved, when her Lawrence bounded in, all hyper, and said animatedly "Mum, just to let you know, I've invited dad around tonight to play on the X-box with me. It'll only be for a couple of hours and I promise we won't trash the place or get too drunk!"
"Oh Lawrence, how many times do I have to remind you that inviting your father to the house is not like asking if a friend can come round for tea. He has his own flat now, can't you go to see him instead and stay over?"
"No I can't. Not only does he not have an X-box but he phoned me to say that he has a problem with the gas supply to the flat and I can't go there. Poor dad, he hasn't been able to have a bath all week. He's living on microwaved meals."
"Has he actually paid the bill? No, don't answer that. I don't want to know the details of your father's life."
"Please mum. Please let dad come round. I haven't seen him for nearly a week. Could he have a bath or shower at our house? Couldn't he stay for dinner too?"
Caroline's emotional energy was spent and she felt that she did not have the wherewithal to argue or object. She was also thinking on her feet and realised that she would have greater freedom to take Kate out for the evening if Lawrence was with his dad.
"Right then Lawrence. That's settled. Your dad can come round for dinner and as long as one of you promises to clean up afterwards, he can use the bath before he goes home."
Kate was just about to enter the office when she heard Caroline's promise to Lawrence. She turned abruptly and careered off down the corridor, muttering to herself as she did so.