Thank you so, so much for all your kind words! And I don't want to keep you in suspense any longer. Now is the time for the truth...

Chapter 29

Somehow, Clara had known that he would show up sooner rather than later, so she wasn't exactly surprised when the doorbell rang and John was standing on her doorstep, an apologetic look on his face and Odin in tow. The dog was happily wagging his tail at her. How could she say no to them like that?

A few minutes later, John was sitting on the sofa next to her, stirring his tea and Odin was licking the remaining crumbs off the floor where Clara had laid out some treats. In her heart, she knew that she had overreacted earlier by storming out of the interview room and she knew that she could trust John with her story. Who could she trust with it if not him when he had gone through a very similar thing? John, too, had lost someone and Clara could feel that the time had come to tell him.

"I know you've come here to ask about Danny Pink," she remarked after a while, her eyes on Odin who was now licking his muzzle instead of the floor.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," John replied almost instantly, but she could tell from his voice that he would very much like to hear her story.

Clara exhaled sharply and lifted her head. It was strange to think about Danny. It had been over a year now and some days, Clara felt almost ready to move on until she remembered why she couldn't. His death still made her sad and it still made her angry and it would continue to do so. She couldn't leave it behind just yet. "Danny was my partner… my fiancé," she explained carefully and glanced towards John who looked as if he had suspected as much. "He died about a year ago."

There was a brief moment of silence and Clara assumed he was thinking about his dead wife before he reached across the sofa and took her hand. For such a tall, strong man his touch was surprisingly gentle and his skin was warm even though the way he held her hand was somewhat awkward. It would have made her smile if it hadn't been for the story she was about to tell him.

"I'm sorry," John said sincerely. "You know I am."

Clara nodded. "That's why I'm telling you. Because you understand," she explained. The memories of the period right after Danny's death came back. The memories of her family and her former friends back in London. "I hate talking about it, I hate people knowing about it. On this island, I've only ever told Amy."

In response, a small frown appeared on John's face. "Why? He died, it wasn't your fault. I mean, I assume it wasn't."

No, it wasn't. Someone else was responsible for that.

"It's the way people look at you," Clara replied sadly. "Like you're made of glass, like you're about to break just because you've lost someone. All of my friends, everyone at work, they all treated me differently after the accident. Well, I'm not some fragile piece of china you have to wrap up in bubble wrap, I'm still Clara."

"That's why you left London," he concluded. "To start a new life, leave everything behind."

Once again, she nodded. Clara had known he would understand. "I still miss him, that hasn't changed, but at least people don't give me those looks anymore."

To her surprise, John started to chuckle. She felt him squeeze her hand a little bit more tightly. "You know what?" he said, smiling at her. "You're an incredibly strong woman. You've lost your mother, your grandmother, your fiancé and now this."

He didn't have to elaborate. Clara knew that he was talking about Bonnie.

"I know it's hard for people like us," John went on, "but it's okay to show a little weakness from time to time. Trust me, I learned that the hard way."

Even though Clara knew that he was right, she still squinted her eyes at him as if in doubt. "I hate showing weakness," she confessed. "I'd much rather have it all under control."

That made John laugh. "I get that," he replied, but then, the smile slowly faded from his lips until it was gone completely. It was replaced by a sombre, thoughtful expression and Clara became increasingly aware that he was still holding her hand. Right now, with him, she didn't mind at all. John was different somehow. He was like her. "How did he die?"

Clara swallowed. "It was a hit and run," she told him truthfully. "It happened when he was crossing the road. They never caught the driver. Apparently, Danny was trying to push someone else out of the way."

John shook his head, as if he couldn't believe the ineptitude of the police who had tried and failed to catch Danny's killer or as if he was thinking that it was unfair how her boyfriend had died to save someone else. "Were you angry?"

His question provoked a frown from her. "Of course I was angry," she replied and right now, his touch was beginning to bother her. Clara pulled her hand back. "I think I have every right to be."

"You do," John confirmed, "but that doesn't mean you should let it consume you. I know what I'm talking about. I've lived through it and what you're doing, the running away, the hiding, the avoiding-"

"I'm just trying to live my life!" Clara hissed a little more defensively than she had intended.

Yet in response, John merely cocked his eyebrows at her and she knew that he saw right through her. She couldn't tell him her real story, not all of it, not yet. John wasn't ready to hear it. But Clara realised that she couldn't lie to him either.

"I never told you the whole story about how my wife died," John went on, sighing deeply. It was a sad sound even after so much time had passed and right now, Clara wasn't sure whether he regretted her death or what had happened after. "Because the truth is, she didn't just die. She disappeared in Egypt."

"Disappeared?" Clara enquired. "Disappeared how?"

John shrugged. "I don't know. One day, the excavation site was raided and she was gone."

For a moment, Clara felt a little confused. The last time they had talked about it, John had told her that his wife had died in Egypt. Or rather, he had said that she had never come home. Now that she thought about it, John hadn't actually told her what had happened to his wife at all.

"Did you look for her?" she wanted to know.

Again, John scoffed. "I looked everywhere," he admitted. "I travelled to Egypt and the surrounding countries many times. I questioned people. I turned over every single stone for just a hint. I didn't want to believe it and my… inability to accept that she was gone almost cost me everything. My job, my friends, my savings… everything."

Clara hadn't known John for that long, but she could tell that he was determined and she could very well imagine what he must have been like after his wife's disappearance. Someone like John wouldn't just give up. He was right. They were more alike than Clara had realised because she wouldn't have given up either and if there was a chance that Danny was still alive, that there was a chance he could come home – Clara wouldn't rest until she had him back.

"Because I couldn't let go, I let a lot of people down," John went on. There were traces of anger in his voice, but this time, it seemed directed at himself. "People who needed my help. And I realised that I was the failure my father had always expected me to be, but that didn't stop me."

"What made you stop?"

At last, John started to laugh again. "I ran out of money," he admitted and for a second, Clara laughed with him. "I had to go back home. I had to grovel at my boss' feet so he would take me back, but he didn't want an apology or a promise that I would change. He said he would only take me back if I admitted, openly admitted, that River was dead."

Clara raised her eyebrows at him. "And you did?"

John shook his head. "I told him to stick his truncheon where the sun doesn't shine," he deadpanned.

"No, you didn't," she gasped.

"Oh, I did," John said with a sigh. "It wasn't until I got home that I realised he was right. That all that was keeping me from living my life was the fact that I couldn't accept what had happened. And then I did."

"What? Just like that?" It sounded too easy, too good to be true. And yet John nodded as if it was exactly just that easy. Clara lowered her eyes and looked at her own two feet. "I don't know if I've actually accepted Danny's death. I don't think so."

"You will. In time," John replied and it sounded as if he believed it.

"Thank you," Clara whispered and at the spur of the moment, she leaned forward and closed her arms around his neck in a hug. John uttered a sound of surprise, but he didn't fight the embrace and Clara was grateful for it. There was something warm about him, something that made her feel safe and it was a feeling she hadn't known for a long time. "I knew you'd understand."

In response, John awkwardly patted her back and Clara had to refrain from laughing as he did so until she decided to release him from the surprise hug. As she let go, it felt a little as if at least a small amount of the weight had dropped off her shoulders. It felt better than it had before because it was a burden they both shared.

"It's true what I said," John said and for a moment, Clara had no idea what he was talking about. "While I was busy with my own grief, I let many people down, but I'm trying to make up for that. I'm going to find out what happened to your sister and I hope that it'll bring you a little peace."

She had already thanked him, so Clara decided that this time, she was just going to give him a grateful smile because that was what she was – grateful.