Chapter 27
Kate and Caroline had stayed up late into the evening, firstly playing Rummikub until they could no longer concentrate and then just snuggling on the settee until they realised the time. Both distracted at the thought of what news the morning might bring, and purposefully discussing any subject but the one that was upmost on their minds, they prepared for bed on auto-pilot.
'Sweet dreams, Kate.' Caroline whispered as she twirled some stray strands of her wife's hair around her forefinger as they lay spooned together.
'Just one dream, Caroline, just the one.'
The sun rose soon after four o'clock and peeked between the curtains where they had not been fully closed. Kate was already awake and about to write in her diary, a habit that she had started as a teenager with occasional breaks in between. She used a leather journal rather than a printed diary, having found out early on that she liked the flexibility that the space gave her when her satisfaction with life was at either end of the two extremes. She flicked back to almost two years previously to find the entry for 1st September.
'Started at Sulgrave today. Two more days of induction, prep work before I'm faced with first pupils. What have I done?! School reputation, excellent. Language exam results some of the best in country, certainly the best in county! The library, the resources. Wow! All gives impression that money no object but bursar made it crystal clear that this is far from the truth. Poor results = reduced income. No pressure! Bursar is a pussy cat compared with the head. The formidable Doctor Elliot. What a stunning woman. Shame, I hear she's married with two children at the school…'
Kate could not stop her broad smile as she looked down at the blonde asleep beside her then turned her attention to a fresh page for the first entry of the day.
'What will today bring? Will this page and those that follow be marked by tears of pain or joy? I've been at this place too many times to not know how stupendously wrong this could go. The hope, the plans and joy can so quickly be turned to despair whatever the results of today. Caroline was anxious before we started the treatment, and still is, although she doesn't express it, fearing that I wouldn't cope with the disappointment. I don't think I will ever be able to express to her how much it means to me to at least have this semblance of hope. To be so loved on the journey. If only love and devotion could guarantee a happy outcome.'
As Kate closed the journal and tucked the pen underneath the clasp she felt Caroline's eyes on her.
'Caught me red-handed!' Kate laughed.
'You make it sound as if it's a shameful pastime, Kate. I find it fascinating. I kept a diary very briefly in my Uni days but my entries were so superficial I soon realised that it was nothing more than a list of tasks and appointments. I guess I wasn't prepared to risk declaring my emotions in case someone else saw what I had written. Especially my mother!' Caroline's jovial words were at odds with the expression on her face.
Kate could sense that Caroline was not quite finished with her thoughts and placed her journal on the bedside cabinet to free up her hands to snuggle down against her wife.
Encouraged as always by the silently expressed support from Kate, Caroline continued to speak.
'Actually, that statement wasn't 100% true. My diary would have been full of angst and debate as I wasn't brave enough to fully admit to myself that I was attracted to other women, let alone see it in writing, blatantly confronting my cowardice. Yes, I'd been brave enough to admit that I'd fallen in love with Lyndsay – gosh, that's the first time I've spoken her name in getting on for, what, twenty-five years. But, let's face it, my feelings soon evaporated once my mother made her feelings known.'
This was a subject that they had touched upon before but this was different. Kate hadn't had to tease this information, it was being given freely.
'You were a teenager. Your mother was, IS, a woman determined to exert control. Your capitulation doesn't prove anything, least of all that your feelings weren't real.'
'While I admit that there's some truth in what you say, the long and the short of it is that you and I both know that there's more to it than that. The need to conform, to be accepted, to be respected. I would have been worried about any possible restrictions on my future career choices, even if my mother aka she-who-must-be-obeyed hadn't put her opinion in the mix.'
Kate listened in amazement as Caroline spoke from her heart. Her arms surrounded her wife, as she replied to give further reassurance.
'We can all beat ourselves up with regrets but we are all subject to pressures, from within and without. That was then, this is now.' She stopped to kiss Caroline's neck before resuming. 'I would prefer to look on this as a positive for you, for us. Have you not thought that if you had made different decisions then, almost certainly you and I would not be here, now? You wouldn't have the boys, at least not the boys you have. We can't undo the past so there's no point trying. That's wasted energy and emotionally draining.'
'You're right. And it's way too early in the morning to be so heavy,' Caroline yawned. 'It's going to be a long day and we can still get another hour or two's sleep before we have to get up for the clinic. So yes, let the past go, it's all about me and you and the future.' With that she pulled Kate in towards her and both slept contentedly until the alarm went off at seven o'clock.
Caroline was again too nervous to eat any breakfast but Kate was always ready to enjoy a bacon sandwich. It wasn't long before the smell of the grilled rashers raised Lawrence from his bed and he joined Kate at the dark-oak breakfast island while Caroline paced up and down with a coffee mug in her hand. Stopping briefly behind Lawrence she placed her hand on his shoulder while she spoke.
'So, am I right in saying that you don't want to come with us this morning, Lawrence? We'll have to head out soon.'
'It's not that I don't want to know or that I don't care,' he replied, choosing his words carefully. 'But I think this morning is just for you two. I'll be here when you get back.'
The response from her son filled Caroline with pride. Not only was he growing physically but he was maturing into a considerate young man like William. She kissed the top of his head.
'Alright, mum. Don't go overboard!' he said playfully.
With breakfast and shower complete, Caroline chose her clothes with care, deciding on dark blue jeans and a pale blue shirt, topped with a navy blazer. Bending down to pull on her suede camel-coloured boots she glanced up through her fringe just as Kate was straightening the seams of her fitted blue retro-style dress. With her hair pinned at the nape of her neck she looked, quite simply, stunning. After swapping approving looks and exchanging a quick peck on the cheek the women left the house holding hands, ready for whatever fate the day had in store for them.
oOo
Two hours later and much to Kate's amusement, Caroline helped her into the passenger seat of the Jeep. She smiled quietly to herself while her self-appointed protector walked round the front of the car and climbed in behind the steering wheel.
'Have we got everything?' Caroline asked nervously, checking the rear-view mirror as she manoeuvred the car out of the parking bay.
'You're here. I'm here and we have diesel in the tank, so home James and don't spare the horses. Let's go home and tell Lawrence our good news.'
The last few miles of the road home had a speed limit of 30mph but a normally confident-behind-the-wheel Caroline was crawling along at 20mph and there was a long line of traffic building behind them.
After looking at the speedometer for the third time, Kate couldn't hold her frustration in any longer. 'Caroline what are you doing, why are you driving so slowly? Put your foot down and let's get home.'
'I'm only a couple of miles under the speed limit and I'm not taking any chances with you or the baby. No way Jose. No more Speedy Gonzales here.'
'As much as I welcome the sentiment, it's going to be a long 9 months if this is how it's going to be. I'm not made of glass; you driving like Miss Daisy will stress me out more than being pregnant, so will you drive a bit faster and let's not cause a longer tailback than we already are.' Kate's right hand reached over and stroked Caroline's left which was gripping the steering wheel tighter than normal. Kate's words had the desired effect and the Jeep upped its revs as Caroline relaxed and decided not to let the enormity of their news get to her any more.
As the twenty inch wheels of the Jeep pulled up on the gravel driveway, Lawrence opened the big green front door. He had been watching from the hallway window, anticipating their return home. The two women were soon out of the car and climbed the stone steps to meet him; their beaming smiles spoke volumes and words were superfluous.
'Ladies, I take it we have good news and Kate's preggers? Congratulations! Not that I'll be changing any nappies, but I'd like to clarify what I'll be paid for babysitting duties?' The transformed teenager grinned impishly.
Caroline and Kate raised eyebrows and smiled again.
'I think you'll find that any babysitting you do will be done for love!' his mum replied with a chuckle as he went through to the kitchen.
Caroline put her hand to the small of Kate's back and stepped aside to let her newly pregnant wife enter the house ahead of her.
Over a cup of tea and toasted Welsh cakes they discussed plans for informing the rest of the family. The expectant parents agreed that a family lunch would be the ideal way to let everyone know and Lawrence was sworn to secrecy until the following Sunday. Caroline rang the farm and spoke to Gillian, who confirmed that her and Robbie would be there and Lawrence texted William, making sure that he knew to invite Roxy.
'What about Angus? Would you like to invite him too?' asked Caroline.
'Or Sarah?' Kate interrupted, knowing that Lawrence was not yet comfortable with talking to his mum about his girlfriend.
'Yes, I'd rather invite Sarah, if that's ok, mum? I, um, I really lo..like her and it would be a good way for her to meet everyone and the two of you out of school.'
'That's fine. As long as you're sure that your girlfriend meeting your Grandmother and Gillian won't send her running for the hills!'
Later that afternoon Lawrence made himself scarce and the women snuggled down together in front of the TV.
'What about the rest of your family, sweetheart? Anyone apart from your mum that you want to tell at this stage?'
'Just my dad's cousins who live in Buckinghamshire. They knew the problems I had with my other pregnancies and I know they'll be delighted to hear our news. I'd really like to tell them in person. They're no longer up to travelling, so I was thinking and hoping we could make the trip to them instead.'
'Need you ask? Of course we can. Anything else that I can do for you and the baby?'
'Just one thing, that I'd love to do and actually we can tie that in to the trip south.'
'Name it. Anything.'
'Well, there's this little village called Wollaston near where they live and it's where the Dr Marten's factory shop is. I always said I'd like to get some matching DMs for me and my first born. I know it sounds cheesy but while at Uni I owned a pair and always said I would. Richard thought I was mad but it's just something I'd like to do.'
'Dr Martens, eh? I've been fantasising about you being bare foot and pregnant in a dress but I guess I'll have to settle for my wife looking sexy in a pair of Docs and dungarees.'