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Chapter 53

"Where is it?!" O'Neill shouted and only then, as he pressed the gun harder against John's temple, did Clara remember what had happened the evening before.

That night, that wonderful night she had spent with John and the moments before that when he had taken the box out of the safe to read the contents… until she had convinced him otherwise. She tried to suppress her thoughts about John, her memories of that evening, because she knew that it was over. Clara had seen the anger in his eyes when she had admitted it all, when she had confessed to having known Bonnie, when she had confessed to having lied to him. He was never going to forgive her for that. And for what? Only to have her last hope at revenge fall into O'Neill's hands. Clara wanted to sink down to the floor and cry. Sure enough, the tears were flowing down her cheeks and she couldn't stop them because everything was falling to pieces. Bonnie's dream, her revenge, the plan they had made together – it had all been for nothing.

"It's here," Clara replied and she was shocked by how broken her voice really sounded. She hadn't expected the words to come out like that. To show O'Neill that she meant to cooperate, she reached behind the sofa cushion and drew out the box. It had been there since last night because neither she nor John had bothered to put it back. It just hadn't mattered to either of them.

To her surprise, Ciaran O'Neill burst into laughter. "You're telling me I've been sitting on that the whole time?" he asked, obviously amused by the turn of events. Clara wished he had just noticed and taken it because John would have never known the truth, but it was too late for regrets. She should have told him the truth from the beginning and she should have trusted him to do the right thing. It was her own craving for revenge that had ruined everything.

Wordlessly, she stepped forward and handed over the box. Once O'Neill's hand had a tight grip on it, he pushed John away and he stumbled straight into her arms where Clara caught him.

"Are you okay?" she asked him, her voice almost a whisper. The barrel of the gun had left an imprint on his skin.

John nodded but quickly averted his eyes to stare at O'Neill who was making his way towards the door. He had lowered his gun now and he even seemed a little relieved – a strange look on the face of the man who had killed Danny. "I'm a man of my word," he promised. "If this box contains everything, you'll never see me again."

Odin walked through the door and O'Neill's eyes shifted towards the dog. He smiled. "You have a lousy guard dog, DI Smith," he chuckled and before either John or Clara could say anything else, O'Neill left.

A silence settled over the house when the front door closed and Odin plopped down in his usual spot. Clara didn't know what to say, because the shock still gripped her to the core. Slowly but surely the gravity of the situation was beginning to dawn on her and everything she had lost was becoming apparent. Her promise, her revenge… John. If she could turn back time, she would just tell John the truth right from the start. It was at that moment that Clara realised she could live with a promise she hadn't been able to keep, she could live with Danny's killer not receiving his just punishment, but she didn't want to live without John. That was the loss that hurt the most and right now, she had to cling to the last bit of hope and try to fix it.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered and turned her head to look at him. His kind, boyish eyes were now cold and stern. "I didn't want this to happen."

When John didn't reply, Clara noticed for the first time that she was shaking. She hadn't been scared earlier, but she was scared now; scared of what he was going to say to her now that he knew.

"I'm sorry that I lied," Clara added meekly, but from his face, she could tell that it didn't make a difference. John had already closed his heart to her.

"Why?" That was all he said and he spat the word at her.

Clara inhaled deeply, her chest trembling and even though the tears had stopped, she could feel them well up again. She swallowed hard and realised that there was no point in lying any longer. From now on, she was going to tell him the truth. The whole truth. "Revenge," she said and then shrugged. "I wanted O'Neill to suffer for what he did to Danny."

And now he never would. The tears returned and Clara began to sob. There was no stopping them, there was no way to contain her sadness, her anger, or her defeat. She sank down on the sofa and buried her face in her hands, crying until she couldn't bear it anymore. Maybe it had been building up, maybe she had been bottling things up for the past year, but suddenly, everything felt like a cage around her and all she could do to free herself was to scream.

"He killed Danny! He killed my boyfriend and I blame him every second of every day and I blame Bonnie because she was the reason and I want to take him down and his entire organisation with him!" Clara yelled into the air, screaming until at last, her pain abated a little.

John was staring at her, completely and utterly unaware of what was going on. He had pieced it together pretty well, but he only knew one half of the story. He was about to find out the rest. Slowly, John sat down next to her, but he was careful to keep a distance between them. Right now, Clara wished that he would just touch her. Take her into his arms, hold her hand, kiss her cheek, anything but the unbearable space that he left between them. He was never going to forgive her, was he?

"I need to know what happened," John said, his voice surprisingly calm.

Clara nodded.

"No, don't nod at me like that," he barked. "I want the truth! The whole truth! You owe me that after everything that's happened!"

She inhaled sharply and was on the verge of nodding again until she remembered his harsh voice. "Yes," Clara confirmed. "You're right."

"We don't have time for your crying or your grief. That man just broke into my home and held a gun to my head," John said determinedly. "I need to know what he took and why, and I need to know it now."

Even if she still had a choice, Clara would have told him anyway. There was no reason to keep lying, no reason to hold back when all was lost anyway. And John was right. She owed him that at least, so Clara opened her mouth and started from the beginning.