Chapter 3: Despite the Faults
Life somehow went on, Kanan managing to avoid Ezra and Ezra still working with Tira. Things felt wrong, like a tilted picture frame missing the background. But it had felt wrong for so long that everyone had learned to ignore it. Zeb learned to smile in response to the brittle one's Ezra gave him and to pretend like Sabine wasn't as skittish as a rabbit. Or that Kanan was avoiding any and everyone. He also pretended like he wasn't trying to fix it all by encouraging his little family to be a kriffing family again.
Life went on until Zeb had a mission. He left hoping he would come back to everything better.
It had been a long away mission, three days and a constant struggle for survival. Bad luck had dogged them at every move with blood and tears the only thing allowing them to get the Intel they'd gone in for and get out.
To make it better, Zeb had barely finished showering and checking out of the med bay for a minor injury when Tira Prim, the old mechanic lady who worked with Ezra, had come to him expressing worry over the boy. Apparently Ezra hadn't come by the last two days and he'd missed both meals today.
Zeb wished he could get mad or annoyed, it would be easier than the fear which struck him. For some reason the image of Ezra perched at the very edge of the coral leaf, head bent down and body leaned over like he meant to- Zeb shook his head. It haunted him, just as much as his inability to respond to Ezra's question in such a way to lift the despair and hopelessness which lay in the boy's now clouded eyes.
So instead of getting dinner and passing out in his bunk, he headed down the hall towards Ezra's room. He didn't knock on the door, opening it silently.
He frowned as he took in the scene before him.
Ezra was seated on the bed, toes almost brushing the floor. His whole posture was sunk and turned in, a slumped sitting position of misery. In his hands he held his lightsaber, the end the blade projected from pointed at himself. It wasn't on, but the boy's finger was tracing the button with an intense reverence.
Zeb blanched, he took a faltering step forward. Ezra hadn't heard him, but, if he startled the boy. An image of Ezra's corpse pierced by the blue blade came to mind.
"Ezra?" Zeb said softly.
The boy jumped, the lightsaber clattered to the floor and Zeb was met with the spooked and guilty gaze of milky white eyes. Ezra's face burned red as if he'd been caught doing something embarrassing or shameful. Zeb feared the reason for that.
"Z-zeb," Ezra said breathlessly.
"What were you doing?" Zeb's initial shock was fading and fear and anger were clouding everything.
"No-nothing," Ezra said, voice trembling and utterly unbelievable.
Zeb stormed forward. He was exhausted, emotionally drained, he'd just seen a half of his mission party die and the thought of losing anyone else, especially someone he considered family, was too much.
His hands were on Ezra's shoulders, grip tight.
"Don't lie to me," Zeb growled.
Ezra seemed duly terrified and Zeb could feel him shaking under his grasp.
"Nothing, nothing," Ezra gasped out, shaking his head as tears filled his eyes.
"I said don't lie!" Zeb roared, shaking Ezra.
Ezra dissolved into tears, shaking and sobbing. Zeb barely caught what the boy said.
'It'd be better.'
Zeb's heart sank.
"Karabast," Zeb's voice was low and broken.
Tugging Ezra into a hug, Zeb clutched the boy to him feeling like he was dying inside along with the kid. What had happened to their little, broken, but happy family?
After Ezra fell asleep, crying all the while. Zeb took the lightsaber and quickly searched the room for other possibly dangerous items. Everything removed, Zeb tucked the teenager in and stepped out feeling like he'd been hit by a star destroyer.
Zeb was done. He was fed up with Kanan ducking him and Hera looking at him with an exhausted expression and with Sabine brushing him off. Most especially he was done with watching the slow spiralling crash that their youngest crew member was currently on. Kriff the rebellion, kriff the Empire, he'd already lost his family one time and he had no intentions of losing it a second.
Marching down the hall, Zeb intended on making this right.
He called Hera first. The Twi'lek looked exhausted.
"Zeb? What are you doing calling me?" She sounded thoroughly confused.
Zeb didn't care. Their family was imploding and he wasn't going to let that happen.
"Get here, Atollon, we need you bad, Hera," Zeb was staring at the holocommunicator, praying Hera listened.
"Wait, what? What do you mean? What happened? Was Atollon attacked?" Hera was panicking, spitting out rapid fire questions.
"It's Ezra, and it's our family, and we need you," Zeb replied, voice low with emotion.
Hera was quiet, confusion warping into a meagre understanding.
"Okay," she said quietly, "I'll be there, just let me talk to General Sato."
Zeb gave a nod, too exhausted to do anything other than hang up. That dealt with that one. Now for the next one.
Finding Kanan's room wasn't too difficult. He'd just avoided it before this to offer the man privacy. Now wasn't the time. Slamming a fist against the door, Zeb waited for Kanan to answer. Seconds later the door slid open.
Kanan's eyes flashed through a series of emotions before finally settling in a furtive, uncomfortable expression.
"Zeb, look, I'm busy-" Kanan started spitting out some half assed excuse.
Zeb roughly shoved past Kanan.
"Don't care," Zeb bit out.
"Zeb, what the kriff!?" Kanan barked out, glaring at Zeb as the Last planted himself in Kanan's room.
Zeb said nothing at first, arms folded, shoulders et back and stance wide. He was trying to control his anger.
"It's Ezra you piece of bantha fodder," Zeb spit out.
Kanan's mouth went dry and his anger seeped away like a lanced wound.
"I'm losing him Kanan," Zeb's voice broke a little. "We all are and if you don't start giving a drum we're all going to lose him."
"I-" Kanan started, voice paper thin.
"No, alright, you fix this, you talk to him you say sorry you accept his apology you meditate or whatever, just do something to fix it. I lost my family once, all of it, and I'm not letting it happen again."
Zeb shoved a finger into Kanan's chest, emphasizing his point. Then Zeb turned on his heel and started to storm out.
"Where are you going?" Kanan called.
"To talk to Sabine and help her get her head out of her she's. Then I'm gonna check on Ezra."
The door slid shut and Zeb disappeared from view.
Kanan blinked a couple of times, sitting heavily on his bed. Looking out his small box window he saw a storm lashing the outside world.
Zeb had never talked to him like that, sure the Last had his moments of anger, but he'd always deferred to Kanan with at least a modicum of respect.
He thought of meeting Ezra in the parts room. Ezra had looked desperate and devastated. Guilt roared in him, threatening to swallow him whole.
His datatpad buzzed. In a daze he reached over and looked at it. It was a call from Hera.
He answered.
"Did Zeb talk to you?" Was Hera's first words.
"Yeah," Kanan said quietly in response.
"That bad?" Hera asked.
Kanan said nothing. The line was silent for a few moments.
"This has to do with Ezra doesn't it?" Hera sounded so sad, a grief riddled understanding just now dawning on her.
"Yeah," Kanan's voice cracked.
"You've left him alone, haven't you?" Hera replied, sounding scared of the truth.
"Yeah," Kanan repeated in the same tone.
"He needed you," she said. "We all saw that, right after it happened."
Regret stung and bile rose in Kanan's throat. He closed his eyes.
"I know, but I'm bad for him Hera, I've taught him things that put a target on his back, I've failed him when he deserved more. I haven't-I can't protect him."
Unwanted tears were in Kanan's eyes.
"If that's what you believe then I don't think you know how much you are needed by Ezra.'
"That's not true," Kanan countered.
"He needs all of us, just like we all need each other. There's no lone rebel, we're a family."
Kanan said nothing in reply, throat thick.
"I think we've all forgotten that recently. But we're going to fix it. No matter what you think, you've made a positive difference in Ezra's life, given him purpose, meaning and helped him to understand powers he would be hunted for with or without you. So help him."
Kanan nodded his head.
"Okay," he replied.
"That's my Jedi," Hera said softly.
The line disconnected. Kanan wiped a hand over his face, the despair which had clung to him partially lifted. Hera was right, Ezra needed him. He wasn't going to let his Padawan down. He stood up and went to his door.
The storm had calmed somewhat, a light sprinkling of rain casting down on the planet. Kanan was trying to muster the courage to face his padawan. It had been months and like a coward he had hid away. Hera was right, he needed to face this before things got worse. It didn't make it any easier though. Kanan reached the living quarters, staring at the door before him. Not yet.
Kanan decided that he was going to loop around the giant coral, just one more time, in case Ezra wasn't there. He knew the real reason was cowardice. Walking along, he was surprised to see a couple men jogging past him.
"Hey, what's going on?" Kanan called.
The men turned, impatient and obviously having no desire to converse.
"Didn't you hear? The blind kid is out on one of the leafs, he's going to jump or something."
Kanan's heart dropped, his whole body froze and he felt his vision lose focus. No, no no no no, not Ezra, never Ezra. His kid wouldn't do that, no way.
"Where?" He asked.
"Just a little farther on."
Kanan was running as fast as he could, heart pounding with adrenaline. Looking out, he saw a figure perched at the tip of one of the leaves of coral. It was Ezra. As Kanan drew closer he saw a small crowd of people congregated at the base of the leaf. A couple had walked farther out, but the only figure out near the edge other than Ezra was Zeb. Kanan froze again, the reality of the situation too much to process.
Then he was running out, coming up to Zeb's elbow. Zeb didn't see him, whole attention on Ezra who was faced in their direction, face cover gone to reveal white eyes and a red scar. Ezra was less than a foot from the edge, hands clenched and his body shaking.
"C'mon kid, just come back, we can talk about this," Zeb's voice was unnaturally soft, a pleading in it that Kanan had never heard before.
"I-I can't," Ezra stuttered out.
Kanan took a step closer and Zeb glanced at him, surprise registering on his face followed by a desperate imploring.
"Why not?" Kanan called out.
Ezra startled, and Kanan felt his throat close up as the boy nearly fell backwards. Zeb half lunged forward, moving as if to catch Ezra.
"Kanan?" Ezra looked shocked.
"Ezra, step away from the edge," Kanan said, voice commanding as he just desperately wanted Ezra to be away from the edge.
He watched his padawan hesitate, looking like he was going to listen and step forward.
"W-why? This, this is better."
Kanan could see Ezra shift back and he tensed.
"No, it's not, Ezra," Kanan tried to sound sure.
Ezra shook his head and Kanan saw for the first time the tear tracks on the boy's face. Kanan moved slowly forward, not wanting to alarm the boy if he could hear the movement.
"You don't mean that, I'm useless, a burden!" Ezra cried, a twist of anger on his face.
He shifted back another inch and his heel met air. Kanan edged closer.
"No, Ezra, you're not useless or a burden," Kanan was saying whatever came to mind, his intent to get close enough to pull the boy to safety.
"Then why'd you leave? Why'd everybody leave?" Ezra cried, voice low and broken, "I killed Ahoska and failed you."
Kanan halted his forward movement, staring in pain at his padawan. He'd hurt the boy with his distance, had left him alone to face an impossible situation. He was speechless, voice stolen by guilt.
Ezra's gaze fell somber, a deep sadness entering it.
"That's what I thought," he said quietly.
Kanan lurched forward just as Ezra took a step back. Kanan caught hold of the boy's hand and pulled. They fell in heap, Ezra struggling to get free. Kanan tried to hold the boy to his chest, arms locked around Ezra. In a few moments, Ezra's efforts to free himself, his screams, fell silent and he went limp. Zeb had approached and with quick movements seized Ezra and hefted him into a cradled position. The boy's gaze was blank and Kanan hated to see it, but not as much as watching him step off that edge.