Not Afraid of Anything
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles"
Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Thinking about her life, she can't remember a time when fear wasn't a constant presence - mercilessly burrowing in her brain to the point she trusted almost no one, including herself, most of the time.
Fear plagued her youth - from her father's temper and his fists, her mother's rollercoaster depression, the possibility of getting buried in the foster care system if people knew about her home life, losing Tommy to his cruel family flaw, the threat of losing Jax to the endless parade of sluts determined to steal him from her and - worst of all - Jax choosing to stay in Charming instead of leaving for a better life with her.
But escaping Charming didn't mean leaving fear behind; incessant worry over failure drove her through college, med school and early career until Josh's terrorizing obsession chased her back to the one person who always made her feel safe.
However, ironically, in returning to home to Jax, she willingly embraced a life that ultimately scared her more than anything. For Jax, she'd thought life on the shady side of the law would be worth it - their love, their bond could withstand anything. However, despite the happiness she'd found in their reunion, fear won out again - this time not for herself, but for him and their sons; the nightmares that tortured her relentlessly had been visions of Abel and Thomas growing up with SAMCRO as their legacy…and their ruin - just like Opie, Piney, Half Sack, Kozik, Clay, JT and all the SAMCRO members before them.
When Jax took over as President, Tara thought she could manage those fears for her family - that once Clay was cast aside and rendered powerless, SAMCRO would deliver what the CIA needed to defeat that Mexican cartel and start moving towards John Teller's vision. Then Jax would lead her and the boys out of Charming for good, just like they'd planned.
But then the horrific tragedy of Opie's death sent them both spiraling at cross-purposes: it'd cemented Jax's resolve to stay and steer SAMCRO into a direction worthy of Opie's sacrifice, while she'd been even more desperate and determined to leave so that her boys would be saved from an outlaw's fate of prison and violent death.
For too long, that fear for Abel and Thomas blunted her usually rationale mind - steering her into decisions so ridiculous that she would've laughed her ass off if the outcomes hadn't been so goddamn devastating. She should've known that such deceitful machinations could never end well - Jax and Gemma, the master manipulators, bore evidence of that with their bloody history.
Now, miraculously there's a new chance to escape this toxic life for good, to give her sons the safe and happy life they deserved. But only if she can shove her fear aside and battle the man who scared the shit out of everyone.
After telling Jax of her intent to leave town with the boys, she stewed all night about all the possible repercussions that bombshell, which she'd lobbed at him in anger, could trigger. She'd managed to calm herself to sleep with the one positive truth about her husband: he loves his sons more than anything and wants the best for them; because of that, he wouldn't hurt the mother they need. Or so she hoped.
But such rational thoughts disappeared this morning as fear once again reared its ugly head when Jax stormed into the house - skewering her with an icy glare before cheerfully greeting both boys - then festered inside of her while the three Teller men ate their breakfast as if nothing had changed.
After breakfast, while Jax played with the boys in the backyard, Tara managed to distract herself by cleaning up and checking every room to ensure she didn't miss anything important when she packed their belongings last night; she even double-checked the directions to the hotel in Sacramento where they'd stay until she could find them longer term housing.
Finally, as a favor, Elyda arrived to pick up the boys for a trip to the park, leaving her alone with Jax so they could talk. And the fear came roaring back with a vengeance. In their long history together, Jax's always been her protector, her safe-haven; other people may have been afraid of him, but never her. Until now.
"You think you can just skip town with my kids to punish me, and I'll be okay with it?" Seated at the kitchen table, he glares at her as she sits down across from him. While his voice sounds deceptively mild, the frigid intensity in those blue eyes chills her blood.
Her gaze darts to the picture on the fridge that Abel drew of her last night. "Mommy" needs to do right by him and his little brother. Fuck fear. "It's not about 'punishing' you, Jax." Although she could cheerfully beat the shit out of him for fucking that whore. "I'm only following what you said your dad should've done with you and Tommy - getting my sons the hell away from here, away from the life we agreed that we didn't want for them."
"Don't throw my words back at me, Tara" he snaps. "That was a different time, Clay's gone. The Club's out of guns and…"
Tara shakes her head, both surprised and not surprised at his unwavering belief that a criminal motorcycle gang could shed its dark past and live happily-ever-after. "Guns weren't the only problem, and you know that. This outlaw life you love so much…there's always going to be risks to our lives, our freedom because we can't escape the consequences. You never expected to get involved in drugs, but it happened. I never expected to be part of a murder, but it happened. Awful shit will always happen when you leave yourself open to it."
Although he remains silent, fury radiates off him in scorching waves. Undaunted, she continues to poke the dangerous, raging bear. "You may not like me repeating your words, but you were right. Winding up in prison or winding up dead, that's life in SAMCRO - the life you've chosen for yourself. Please don't shackle Abel and Thomas to that. It's not fair to them - they're just little boys…your sons. Do you really want them to wind up like Opie? Because I sure as hell don't."
Shit, she may have gone too far as Jax slams his fist on the table, then shoots out of his chair so abruptly that it falls over and splinters. Bracing herself for his retaliatory attack, she eyes him warily as he stomps towards the counter and, with a violent swing of his arm, sends the dish rack filled with plates and cups she'd just washed crashing to the floor.
He runs a hand through his hair before turning those furious blue eyes back to her. "What happened to Opie…," he grits out through clenched teeth, "…is not going to happen to my sons. I won't let that happen."
Since they were kids, Jax always believed he could do anything (no doubt fueled by his psychotically doting mother), as if by sheer determination he could bend people and circumstance to his will. And for most of her life, Tara had loved that about him; she'd believed everything he'd promised her.
Until that blind faith in him blew up in her face. He's fucking crazy if he thinks she'll believe any of his goddamn promises ever again.
Crossing her arms, she narrows her eyes at him. "And it won't happen if I take them out of this hell hole; Abel and Thomas will not grow up to be criminals." She sucks in a breath then lets him have it. "We're leaving Charming today, Jax."
Despite the rage twisting his face and the shattered mess he'd caused at his feet, she could sense him fighting to control his temper - something he never bothers to do with anyone else. Which had to be a good sign that he still cared enough about her not to resort to the violence he inflicted on Wendy and Ima (yeah, she found out that he'd roughed up that porn slut after the bitch threatened them with a gun).
"That's not fucking happening…" he hisses. "You're not taking my sons from me."
Christ - like mother, like son - both Tellers instinctively process news based on how it affects them directly, then fight dirty and deadly to protect what they perceive to be their turf. However, Jax's always been a little more receptive to other people's reasoning than his rigid mother; Tara's betting her sons' future - and her life - on that.
"I'm not going to keep them from you. Abel and Thomas need their father, and I won't deny them that. But things have to change." She glances at rings on her left hand. "Now that the charges against me have been dropped, there's a small chance that I can get my license back. The boys and I are moving to Sacramento so I can challenge the medical board's decision."
His silence blisters her ears as she warily eyes his flexing jaw and clenched fists. A quiet Jax Teller could be lethal, like a killer cobra lying in wait. But she's had more experience and success than most at navigating his temper. "We'll be less than an hour away, so you'll be able see them - maybe as often as you do now. You and I can work out visitation once the boys and I are settled." Tara may be beyond pissed at him, but she'd meant it about never refusing her sons the father they love.
"It's what's best for them, Jax. It's what's best for all of us."
He steps closer, crunching broken glass beneath those pristine white sneakers. Planting his palms on the table, he leans towards her like a panther ready to attack his prey. "And then what? How long does it take to fight the medical board? How long are you going to be pissed at me before my family comes back home?" His ice blue gaze bores into her, as if trying to penetrate her brain for any unspoken schemes or intimidate her into capitulating to his will (most likely both).
But unlike so many of pathetic sheep in his life who've cowed into acquiescing to the Biker Prince-turned-King, Tara holds her ground and stares back unflinchingly. She's too fucking tired of secret plots, too fucking tired of his bullshit view of "family," too fucking tired of being afraid.
"We won't be coming back." Once again, her gaze drifts to her rings; she'd been so thrilled when he'd slid them on her finger. Without hesitation, she pulls them off and places them on the kitchen table before rising to her feet. "I'm done."
Unable to bear the hurt that twists his face before he could mask it, she whirls around to stalk out of the room. Ignoring him when he bellows her name, she marches down the hall - every cell in her body vibrating in terror that he'll either catch up to her and force an even uglier confrontation…or just kill her.
Pausing in front of their bedroom door, she closes her eyes at the sound of his heavy footsteps; pained regret stabbing through her that they'd come to this, that she and Jax were truly over, that she actually expected a bullet to tear through her body…that he'd murder her in the home where they'd once been so happy.
Instead she hears the front door open and then slam shut so violently that the walls shake. As her soon-to-be-ex-husband's Harley roars to life, Tara lifts her ringless fingers to her lips and bursts into tears.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"
Rolling her eyes, Tara sweeps up the rest of the broken shards of glass and stoneware. She'd thought of leaving Jax with the mess he'd made, but her somewhat meticulous nature wouldn't allow her to leave the dishes she'd bought with her first paycheck as a surgeon scattered on the kitchen floor. If she knew Gemma would be darkening her doorstep not ten minutes after Jax's departure, she would've got the hell out of there before the Harley was out of earshot.
"I would think that's obvious." Tara drawls, holding up the broom to her seething mother-in-law before dumping the dustpan's contents into the trash. "What do you want, Gemma?" She grits her teeth in annoyance over the fact Jax went running to his mommy so fast.
"Where are the boys? Why didn't you bring them to my house this morning?" Gemma demands. "Jax said no day care; I'm supposed to watch them from now on…especially since your ass will be back in jail soon."
Tara blinks in confusion before it hits her that Jax hasn't kept Mommy Dearest in the loop. Well this should be fun… "I'm not going to jail; the charges against me were dropped." She smirks with satisfaction at the surprised disappointment on Gemma's face. "Instead, I'm taking Abel and Thomas and we're getting the hell out of Dodge."
Anger quickly replaces shock. "You can't do that!" she screeches at Tara. "Jax won't let you."
Fuck this men-rule-women biker bullshit. "I don't need his permission, Gemma." Tara snaps. "I'm their mother, and I'm doing what's best for them."
"Abel is NOT…"
"Abel IS my son." Tara's temper spikes into the stratosphere as it does each time anyone, especially Gemma or Wendy, have questioned or threatened her place as her sweet boy's mother. "I have every legal document that makes it so; no judge in this country would take him from me and hand him over to criminals or a junkie who's been in and out of rehab more times than anyone can count."
Gemma's brown eyes narrow menacingly. "Then I won't let you," she hisses before charging towards Tara like an enraged bull.
Although she manages to dodge when the crazy former Biker Queen lunges for her throat, she's not fast enough to stop Gemma from smacking her hard across the face. Despite the ringing in her ears, she can hear the other woman screeching "You're not stealing my family!"
Red mist coats Tara's vision as her blood boils. This bitch almost killed Tara's babies in a drug-fueled car accident and now wants to keep them on a path that ruined their father and killed their grandfather. FUCK HER. Balling a tight fist, Tara swings and connects with Gemma's chin, sending the woman crumbling to the ground in an unconscious heap.
Stooping, Tara checks Gemma's pulse - after all she does have a heart condition - which thuds strongly against her fingers. Both a blessing and a curse.
"Bye bye, grandma," Tara snickers before leaving the kitchen. Taking one more look around, Tara grabs her bag from the living room couch and walks out the door to her fully-packed car.
"Mommy!"
Abel rushes towards her, as he always does when he greets her after even after the shortest of separations. She squats to hug him then can't help but laugh when he practically knocks her over with his exuberance. Kissing his cheek, her heart just melts at the sight of the grubby mix of flowers and weeds he thrusts at her.
"Do you like the flowrs?" He asks, his blue eyes widen expectantly. "Leeda (he still can't correctly pronounce Elyda's name) said all mommies like flowrs."
"I LOVE them," she assures him. "They're the most beautiful flowers anyone has ever given me. Thank you, for picking them for me." Her smile widens as Elyda walks towards them holding Thomas, who reaches for her immediately.
"Say hello to your baby brother, Abel. His name is Thomas." Tara bites her lip in anticipation as he glances down at the small baby bundled in her arms.
She'd explained to him that the big bump in her tummy meant he would get a little brother - and while he seemed excited about the prospect, she suspected he was too young to fully understand what that it really meant. For so long, it had been just the two of them with Jax locked up in Stockton. Now they were three.
Any worry she may have had over his reaction to the new baby disappears when Abel crows with excitement then gently strokes his baby brother's cheek. "Hi, Toms," he chirps, causing Tara to suck in a breath at hearing the pet name she'd had for Jax's baby brother, who had once been her dearest friend in the world. That darling boy couldn't say 'Thomas' so she'd called him 'Toms' instead of correcting him when he said his own name.
"You can call him Tommy if that's easier," she tells him, hoping the toddler can pronounce it. While she and Jax agreed to name their baby for the little boy they both loved, Tara doesn't want to her son linked to the special name she had for his uncle; there was just too much sadness there. Although it's been twenty years since fate cruelly robbed them of the first Thomas Teller, the pain of missing him still lingers.
"Like Tommy Train!" Abel claps his hands excitedly as Tara laughs. Like every little child on the planet, Abel's obsessed with Thomas the Train, who apparently now has a new nickname.
"Just like Tommy Train," she agrees then wraps an arm around him so that she's holding both of her sons tightly. "He's lucky to have you for a big brother." Tara grins as Abel puffs out his chest with pride; she'd told him that being a big brother was so important…his Daddy had been one, too.
"And you know what?" She ruffles his soft blond hair, melting as those bright blue eyes gaze up at her (like father, like son). "I love you both to the moon and back." She quotes the storybook that's part of his bed-time ritual.*
Abel beams at the reference. "To the moo and back!"
Pressing a kiss to her baby boy's soft head, she hugs Abel tight in her other arm. God, she loves them both so much…there's nothing in the world she wouldn't do to keep them safe. Even if it means fighting the most dangerous man on the planet - and his mother.
Fuck fear.
*from "Guess How Much I Love You" by Sam McBratney
AN: Huge apologies for the long delay in updating. I haven't abandoned this story or FF writing, I've just been swamped with work and RL and haven't had any time for FF. Thanks so much for your patience!
Also recently, I've been playing around with my outline for this story. I hadn't planned to bring back Nick Reese from The Right Direction Pt 2, but when I re-read the outline and the previous chapters, I can hear him in my head making a case to be added. Or maybe I'm just crazy for hearing voices :)
I guess we'll see if he can talk his way into the story.