FIVE:
"I am very disappointed to be having this discussion with you, Miss Hofferson." Principal Mala Queen's voice was cool as she inspected the girl standing opposite her. Mala was a tall woman with a strawberry blonde page cut and cool green eyes. Unflappable and serene, she was perfectly capable of making her displeasure known without ever raising her voice and Astrid folded her arms, her eyes hardening.
"Why, Principal Queen?" she asked directly. The Principal sat back down and gestured to the seat. Stubbornly, Astrid remained standing as the older woman clasped her hands together.
"You did assault a fellow student," the Principal pointed out, her tone a little cold. "And Mr Eretson's father has made point of phoning me in person to complain about the assault and demand that disciplinary action is taken against you." Astrid's eyes widened.
"What?" she gasped. "That arrogant ass has been harassing me for two years! He has made inappropriate comments about me, has infringed my personal space, has tried to kiss me against my wishes and has even spread lies by changing his social media profile to say we are in a relationship-which we aren't!"
"Nevertheless, none of these frustrations can excuse a cold-blooded assault…"
"It wasn't!" Astrid snapped. "It was very much provoked! He changed his Berkbook to say we were in a relationship-so anyone could see that. And it was lies! And when I challenged him about it, he laughed and just said I would want to when I kissed him-which I am never going to do! He's hit on all the other females in the cast. He is disruptive and spend the entire time making snarky comments and interrupting the rehearsals. He doesn't know his part yet-and there is less than a week to go to the actual performance. He won't do anything that he's told or asked to do by Hiccup Haddock, who is our producer and he's vile to Hiccup!"
"So what happened?" Mala asked her sternly. Astrid sighed and finally sat down.
"He lied about us being in a relationship which was horrible," Astrid said. "It was so insulting and untrue and-and embarrassing. As if I would ever give him he time of day! He's selfish and lazy and completely self-absorbed and cruel. And he was horrible about Hiccup. I mean he and Thuggory make some snarky comment about Hiccup's leg every single day. They call him a 'cripple' and have been vile to him because there wasn't a part for him in the Pantomime, even though Hiccup is the only reason why there is a Pantomime, because no one else could have got it as close to being ready as him. And I snapped when Eret called Hiccup, who is smart and kind and hardworking and supportive and generous, when he called him 90% of a person. I punched him because he deserved it."
Mala steepled her fingers.
"That is a different tale to the one Mr Eretson told," she commented. "In his version, his son was innocently sitting with his friends and you came up to him, yelled at him and attacked him without provocation!" Astrid's eyes widened and she gave a shocked gasp.
"That is an utter lie!" she replied hotly. "Ask anyone!" There was a pause and Mala nodded.
"I have already asked for another student's input," she said and there was a knock on the door. "Come in!" she called and the door opened-to reveal the very self-conscious shape of Hiccup. His eyes widened as he saw the shape of Astrid sitting in the chair and he paused at the door. "Come in, Hiccup," Mala invited him. "I need your help."
"Yes, Principal Queen?" he asked, closing the door behind him. "Anything I can do to help." Mala beckoned him closer.
"Can I ask you a question about Erik Eretson?" she asked as Hiccup stiffened, snatching a quick glance at Astrid. He could guess what the interview was about. He nodded. "You are aware that Miss Hofferson assaulted him yesterday?" He swallowed.
"Um…I knew she punched him but since he has been involved in at least two fracases with Snotlout, sorry Simon, before, I didn't think anything of it…" he mumbled. The Principal frowned.
"What happened?" she asked. Hiccup sighed.
"I missed the actual punch," he confessed honestly. "Look, I overheard Astrid say something that I misinterpreted and I just left." Mala frowned and leaned forward and Astrid's shoulders hunched.
"I wasn't aware that Miss Hofferson was bullying you as well," she said. His eyes flicked up.
"I'm sorry but that's not true!" he said more firmly. "Thuggory and Eret are insulting and cruel every day. And have been for the last three years since my accident. The twins have been cruel as well, also teasing me about 'the leg'! And let's not forget they have spent the last month playing a variety of cruel jokes, involving damaging my property and turning me green!" Mala stared in shock. "But Astrid said one thing I misinterpreted because she was angry and I ran off. And she came after me and we talked. She apologised for any misunderstanding and she asked me out. And I said…well, yeah…" The Principal frowned.
"So Eret wasn't sitting quietly?" she checked. He shook his head.
"Astrid was furious and he was teasing her about not being able to resist him when she had to kiss him in the Panto-not that she ever had. She keeps refusing." He thumbed his phone open and displayed a page to the Principal. "Look-he's still got himself described as 'in a relationship with Astrid Hofferson' which we all know is rubbish. She hates him. And she has suffered being pestered and harassed by him for the last two years. Everyone has their breaking point." The Principal sighed and nodded.
"I guessed as much," she said. "I asked Mr Mulch how Erik and Astrid had engaged with the Project and his report tallies with yours-and completely disagrees with the report of the boy's father." Then she leaned forward. "Has he actually called you '90% of a person'?" she asked sternly. Hiccup gulped and ashamedly nodded.
"Um…quite often," he admitted. "I think he thinks he's being clever…"
"Not even close," Astrid muttered, her hands clasped in her lap. Hiccup walked forward and crouched by her, taking her hand.
"You okay?" he whispered and she looked up at him, a small smile lifting her lips.
"I'm fine-thanks, Babe," she murmured as the Principal watched. She nodded.
"I think it's clear that Mr Eretson has been more than economical with the truth," she determined. "You did hit him and for that, you will serve one hour's detention this evening, Miss Hofferson." She looked up and nodded as Hiccup opened his mouth to protest. "And Mr Eretson will serve a week of detention-every evening until the Pantomime-for his conduct towards you both and for trying to manipulate me to penalise you, Astrid, while taking no responsibility for his own behaviour." She nodded. "You may go."
Silently, the two teens walked out of her office and Hiccup twined his hand with hers.
"Sorry," he said as soon as the door closed behind them. "I-I couldn't lie to her…even to protect you…" She smiled.
"I never expected or wanted you to," she assured him. "But you were awesome, Babe. You told her what had been going on…and I know you don't like to talk about it…to appear like a victim or anything…but if no one speaks up, they just get away with it…" He nodded.
"I mean, he will fight with Snot and Thug and Tuff and Ruff and never say a word but when you punch him out, he's all Mr Victim…" Hiccup said animatedly. "I mean he loves to dish it out but he hates being on the receiving end…"
"Well, I found out from Heather that he was less than happy because the twins put itching powder in his jockstrap," Astrid told him. "I mean, he was late as usual and as soon as he arrived they were just starting the game and he had to run back off the field and go and shower…the Coach was very pissed at him…" Hiccup couldn't help himself from smiling.
"Wow-now he knows what it's like to walk in my shoes…shoe…" he said and then face-palmed. "Thor-they've got me doing it now…" She slid her arm through his.
"And you've got me on your side as well," she reminded him. "And no matter what happens, what those muttonheads say, you'll always have me." He stopped and stared into her eyes.
"Thanks, Milady," he said. "Now all I have to do is survive Dress Rehearsal today…"
-o0o-
Dress Rehearsal was awkward because Eret and Thuggory were teasing Hiccup mercilessly about running off like a pathetic kid and the auburn-haired teen had needed to cast a quick glance to Astrid to stop her jumping up, yelling at the two self-absorbed jocks and decking one or both of them and getting into more trouble. Certainly, they both looked the part and looked suitably smug in their crowns and elegant 18th Century outfits with silk shirts, satin waistcoats, rich velvet frock coats, deep blue breeches and leather boots. Astrid was grumpily stomping around in her ragged dress and flat ballet pumps, casting menacing glares at Eret, whose badly bruised and swollen jaw was concealed under a very thick layer of greasepaint. The twins looked basically like themselves in violent orange and green sequinned dresses and Cami was the only fairy godmother in denim dungarees, having refused to wear the pale blue gauzy tulle dress that had been designed for the part. Heather was making an excellent principal boy and played her dual part with aplomb.
Snotlout, however, was moaning non-stop.
"I can't get my breasts in the right place," he complained, arriving with his improbably overstuffed chest lopsided. Hiccup sighed, massaging his forehead and feeling a headache coming on as he stared at the short ridiculously over-padded shape in the garish pink and yellow striped frock.
"What have you put in there?" he asked in a tired voice.
"Two sweatshirts on each side," Snotlout reported. "I still think they're a little small…"
"Great Odin-if they are any larger, you'll fall over!" Hiccup snapped. "Take one out of each side. Now!"
"Tyrant!" Snotlout grumbled. "Tuff-can you help me with my wig?"
"I know what Hiccup can play," Eret suggested cruelly. "The pumpkin. It starts out inanimate, is briefly useful and then gets smashed. Even you should manage that!"
"Already has," Thuggory added.
"Oh, why don't you try playing the part of a human being? Oh sorry-you can't because you're a selfish cruel ass!" Astrid snarked. Eret gave a smug smile.
"Don't worry, baby-you can't fight your attraction much longer," he taunted her. "Just wait until we practice the kiss…"
"Can't I break his jaw, Hiccup? Please? Or his nose at least? I'll even take a limb…"
Tempting though it was-especially when Astrid turned her big blue eyes on him pleadingly-Hiccup shook his head.
"Can we please start the rehearsal," he said in a firm tone. "And no, I can't let you hospitalise Eret before the actual performance."
"Aww…"
"Ha! You know you're gonna realise your mistake when…"
"I reserve my right to change my mind," Hiccup announced. "Positions, everyone."
"Tuff-do you think I need more rouge?"
"That means you, Snotlout!"
Finally, everyone got off the stage except Gustav, who was sitting at the kitchen table, chewing gum.
"And…ACTION!" Hiccup called.
Gustav looked up, eyes wide and tried to open his mouth as Cami prepared to come on and begin the opening narration.
"Mmm mm mm!" he tried, his teeth gummed together. He looked alarmed and then tried again. There were giggles and the twins high-fived as Cami played her hands on her hips and glared.
"What have you muttonheads done?" Snotlout growled, finishing applying far too much mascara.
"Superglue gum," Ruff sniggered. "Our newest invention!"
"WHAT?"
"As my twin sister so eloquently put, we have been utilising our chemical knowledge in innovating new products for the discerning trickster," Tuff explained happily. "Superglue gum is the latest off the Thorston idea farm…" Hiccup walked up to Gustav, who was frantically trying to ungum his teeth.
"Ruff, Tuff…is there a solvent or something you can use to dissolve the gum and release him?" he asked seriously. The twins shared a look.
"Um…never got round to that bit," Tuff admitted.
"Oh Thor…" Hiccup groaned. "Gustav-you need to take yourself to the school nurse…and probably the ER."
"Mmm mmm mm?"
"You'll have to write down what happened," Hiccup said firmly. "Look-we need to run through today because the performance is in three days and we have never managed a complete run-through!"
"Well, you're supposed to be running this thing so whose fault is that?" Thuggory sneered.
"All of ours!" Hiccup snapped. "Look, I am doing my job. I am happy to help you with your costumes and make-up. I have prompted every single one of you. I have single-handedly painted the sets and made sure that everything works. I do the lights along with Fish. I helped you learn your lines. I even made a mechanical rat for the slapstick kitchen scene in Act Two. All you-all of you-have to do is turn up, know your lines and ACT LIKE ADULTS!"
"Never gonna happen, my man," Tuff told him obviously.
"Really?" Heather asked, eyeing him up thoughtfully. "Last I heard, you both needed to pass English to graduate. And if this Pantomime fails, none of us get credits. Now I'm pretty sure that Hiccup and Astrid have already got more than enough credits to graduate and will still get Honours. Fish, Cami and I are also gonna be okay. But are the rest of you all okay with failing English?"
There was a pregnant pause as they all considered what would happen if they scored 0% in English.
"They couldn't to that," Thuggory protested. "I mean Eret and I have football scholarships and they can't screw up our lives just because the twins glued Gustav's mouth shut and Snotlout can't get his chest sorted!"
"Now look here!" Snotlout snapped, marching forward angrily. The effect was lessened by the hugely overstuffed chest, padded pink and yellow dress and huge pink wig with the lacy cap perched on top. "While you have been standing there, making snide comments and behaving like the asses you are, I have been getting into costume, preparing myself mentally and am ready to go...except the muttonheaded twins glued Gustav's mouth shut and Astrid..." He looked around. "Where is Astrid anyway?"
"Take five everyone-and Heather-could you please help Snotlout level out his chests?" Hiccup asked, looking around for his (secret) girlfriend. "I'll find Astrid." And with that, he walked out of the room, leaned against the wall and breathing hard. "Just once," he muttered. "Just once I would love them to actually try..." And then he headed off towards the gym.
As expected, he found Astrid-still in full costume-wearing a pair of boxing gloves and pounding a bag furiously. She screamed and spun, slamming a couple of fierce kicks into the leather and finally she dealt a punch that almost knocked the punchbag off its chain. Standing well out of range, Hiccup clapped ironically.
"I guess that was Eret?" he asked and she nodded, lowering her guard and breathing hard.
"Is it so hard for them to just behave like normal people?" she asked.
"They are normal...for them..." Hiccup reminded her. "It's just by global standards, they are probably far more than two standard deviations from the mean."
"More like five!" she agreed and pulled off her gloves, walking up to lean against him and feel him wrap his arms around her. "They're idiots. I don't know how you put up with them." He shrugged.
"I only do because our parents are all going to be there and they have all changed their Christmas plans to attend this. And how can we make them sit through an utter shambles? I can only do my best and try to get them to come along with me. Mr Mulch asked me to produce and direct the pantomime probably because he felt guilty that I didn't have a part and now the whole thing will be a failure. And my Dad will be there to see it." He bowed his head.
"Hiccup-it won't be a failure because of you," she said gently, wrapping her arms around him. "You couldn't have done any more-and you have been amazing. I just wish your Dad-and everyone-could see how fantastic you are. I mean, no one could have made this lot do anything more and you know all the words, all the songs and all the stage directions. You made this sets, built the coach and designed the costumes. All we have to do is act our parts...and no one will do that. And I will make very sure that-whatever happens-they know that you couldn't have done any more."
He leaned forward and kissed her.
"What did I do to deserve you?" he murmured.
"Be Hiccup," she replied with a smile. "Because being Hiccup is the best thing in the world."
"Even though I am only 90% of a normal person?" he asked, his tone a little pained. She gently punched his shoulder.
"Babe-don't you listen to that asshole Eret," she said angrily. "Muspelheim will freeze over before I go out with that idiot-and I am certainly not kissing him in the Panto..."
"Hmm...I'm not sure kneeing him in the nethers will have the same romantic effect at the climax of the Panto," he pointed out.
"Could we try it? Please?" she asked but he sighed, leaning his forehead against hers.
"I would love to go to the Ball with you, Cinderella, but I'll be sitting in the wings, watching you and Eret dance," he reminded her.
"Yeah-except he can't get the steps and hasn't turned up for the rehearsals where we've gone through the dance number. Or any of the extra practices. In fact, I have only ever danced with you, Mr Skinny." Hiccup looked self-conscious.
"I am sure he will do fine...if he ever turns up," he sighed.
"I could trip him up," she suggested. "Or kick him..."
"Why is everything violence with you?" He asked her, a small smile lifting his lips.
"It's not violence, it's communication," she reminded him. He chuckled.
"I think the punchbag feels it's been severely over-communicated with," he smiled, glancing at the punchbag, which promptly fell off its chain. Both the teens burst out laughing. "Remind me never to get you mad," he added as she hugged him.
"Never," she smiled.
Outside, the twins, Cami and Heather shared a variety of glances. They had guessed where Astrid would be but overhearing the tender scene between the two had them all thinking.
"Did you hear what I heard?" Cami asked them with a thoughtful look in her eye.
"Hiccup has scored the Ice Queen!" Tuff grinned and high-fived his sister.
"NO!" Heather hissed, hauling them back from the entrance to the Gym. "Look-everything he said-and she said-were true. Hiccup has been amazing in this and we have all let him down."
"And ourselves," Ruff added. They all stared at her. "What? Is that not what has happened?" she asked the shocked listeners. "Cami is refusing to be a proper fairy godmother, we've pranked the Helheim out of everyone-mainly Hiccup, I admit-and Heather has played along but can't do it on her own."
"Okay...suppose I agreed," Cami muttered, glancing back at the Gym. "What could we do?"
"Well, it was pretty funny when Mr Mulch forgot to give Hiccup a part-but it isn't funny now," Tuff said. "Eret and Thuggory have been really mean-not just to Hiccup but they've hit on Astrid, Heather and Cami all the way through. Thuggory even tried to hit on Phlegma once."
"Ouch," Heather agreed at the memory. It had taken five of them to pull him out of the air vent.
"No one has hit on me," Ruff said suddenly. "At all. Ever." The group shared an embarrassed look.
"Maybe you scare them off, sis?" Tuff suggested after a long moment, his fingers crossed.
"And I mean-Cami and Heather are in a relationship. Together. As in no interest in boys-and everyone knows that-and they still hit on them!" Ruff protested.
"If it's any consolation, Fishlegs has asked me if you're into boys," Tuff said in an embarrassed voice.
"No way!" Cami exclaimed.
"Yes I am!" Ruff protested.
"So you want me to say he can ask you out?" Tuff checked and she nodded.
"Helheim-yeah!" she said with a grin. "Whoo-hoo!" And then she looked at the others. "Sorry-got a bit carried away…" Cami glanced over her shoulder and then hauled them back as Hiccup and Astrid emerged from the gym, hand in hand. They headed in the other way as the little group huddled together.
"Look, I think they actually make a cute couple and Eret and Thuggery deserve taking down a peg or twenty," she said, her blue eyes sparkling with determination. "I have an idea-and we'll need everyone's help…including Fishlegs and Gustav."
"Hmm…he may not come anywhere near us," Tuff commented in a self-conscious voice. "Even if he can shout at us to stay away…"
"That will teach him to eat gum just before the curtain goes up," Heather muttered. "So what are you planning, Cami?" She grinned.
"I think this pantomime is going to be the most talked-about in the history of Berk," the blonde grinned, beckoning them to gather round. "So here's what we'll do..."
A/N: Last part (the actual performance) tomorrow!