My Dearest Lorenzo,

It is our one year anniversary. One year since you let me become a permanent part of your life and since you introduced me to your family that night in Napoli. I can still hear you rambling on and making excuses for your family to me. You looked so horrified and it didn't go well with how wonderful you looked that day in that creme jacket.

If I'm being honest, I thought you were embarrassed by me at first because you kept making excuses that sounded ridiculous and kept asking me if I really wanted to meet your family. Back then, I was a bit ashamed walking into your house. You've always been the one with wealth and well me? I'm a poor man with nothing to offer you but my love and promise to be true to you. I really thought that I was not going to fit into such an elite family like yours. Just you, the way you dressed and presented yourself—the way we met—I was sure I would stick out like a sore thumb in my shorts, sandals, and that gross sequin cross shirt that you still let me wear for some reason.

We were at your door and you asked me again if I really wanted to meet your family. I thought you were ashamed and I was hurt. I told you 'yes', wanting to make the best impression possible. After all, if I couldn't face your family, no matter how strict or elite, could I ever consider a future with you at all? You looked disappointed and it broke my heart at the time—but then I walked in and there was Santino, sitting in thigh high striped socks on the stairs, popping bubblegum, looking as if he hadn't bothered to get ready for the night at all.

He looked and saw you, grinning brightly and those words. Oh lord, I think about his first words to us and laugh.

"Oh? New dick? Is he any good?"

You looked horrified, my love, and I cannot blame you. Even I was horrified. But that could not compare to the next words that came out of his mouth.

"Does he know about your little pet kink?"

We had never talked about such things, so I nearly fainted right there upon hearing about that. We hadn't even talked about sex at all. We were so slow with things and the moment he said that I felt as if I would never be good enough for you. I can't give you many things, you know that, my dear. I am a broken man. I am not everything and I am not whole. You tell me otherwise a lot, but the moment your brother said that I knew that any future with you would always carry that missing piece.

"This is Antonio. He's my new boyfriend. He came for dinner."

You looked nervous, afraid, absolutely petrified at the idea of having dinner with me and I never understood why. Even now, while many of the pieces fell into place that night, that little part never did make sense entirely. Do you fear what I've done and what I can do? Is that why you didn't tell them? Is that why you were afraid on top of the moment you realized you were humiliated by your family? What was it that drove fear into your heart that night, dearest? I never could figure it out. Will you ever tell me?

I can still see the way you looked at Santino, begging him with your eyes to go, to stay quiet, to not say a thing. But that terror could not compare to the moment that Feliciano walked out from the kitchen to greet you with a tight hug, squishing me into it as well.

"We're so glad to finally meet you, Antonio! Come to sit down, dinner is ready!"

You were scrambling, making sure you were ahead of me and taking all the conversations. I only realized then that you never told them. It's okay. It's not always easy to talk about such things with family, especially if your family is anything like mine. I do not hold any anger towards you. I doubt that I ever could.

Dinner was wonderful. I can't understand why you would ever be embarrassed by them. Your brothers love you and they clearly care. The fact that they started bombarding me with questions and looking serious into making sure I was a good partner says that.

But I also know you didn't like that. You hated the coddling and the questions and the knowledge that they were going to pick up soon because you wouldn't be able to explain.

"Antonio, do you use protection with my brother?"

"Nah, he seems too shy. I don't think they've gotten that far."

"Does he know about Lore's bondage kink?"

"Now he does."

"Oooh, I wonder what he thinks of it?"

"He's right there, you could ask him instead of ruining my dinner with ketchup."

"Fine! Antonio-"

"Can you guys please shut the fuck up?"

Your face was redder than I had ever seen it. You looked ready to cry as well. There was frustration in your heart, I knew it. As silly as the jokes were, you didn't like them. I asked you if you were okay and you shook your head. I asked you if you wanted to step outside and you nodded. With a wave of my hand, I excused us from the table.

I saw the way your brother's eyes went wide upon realization. That was my least favorite part of these nights, the shocked looks and immediate coddling that followed.

But you needed me, the moment wasn't about me. I refuse to ever make that moment about me because you were crumbling in front of me and I couldn't bear it. Do you remember the way you collapsed in my arms once we got outside? The way you broke into sobs and I felt my heart crack because it was clear what they said was causing you distress. Your life, your secrets, pleasures you should have told me when you were ready. And while I'm sure they didn't mean any harm and only wanted to laugh a little, I know you weren't open about those things and it took a lot of time to talk about them.

Your dams had broken and everything came pouring out. You cried in my shoulder, apologizing, pleading miserably for me to forget what your brothers had said and begging me not to leave you. Oh, my dear, you pleaded for no reason; there's not a thing on this Earth that could make me leave you. Not even some silly brothers of yours.

But Lorenzo, my dearest Lorenzo, I love you more than there are stars and galaxies in the sky. My love is an ocean that you can never cross, it goes on forever. The little smiles and laughs at my dumb jokes fill my heart like a neverending glass of wine. You don't realize just how much I would give away to simply hold your hand. What money I'd spend to gaze into your eyes for an hour. The challenges I would take to lay against you as you sing.

Dearest, you will never understand how much you mean to me.

"I wish they stopped doing that shit."

You were sniffling now, just hugging me tight and pretending as if nothing else in the world existed. In that moment, you were right; nothing in the world existed but you and I. We were sailors on a ship, ready to explore everything there was to explore. I would gladly spend my hours taking on the unknown if I could do it by your side forever.

"I wish they'd let me share those things. Are you sure you're fine with hearing that stuff?"

I nodded. Of course, I was. It was just you. You were the same you who ate ice cream with me on Christmas and stole my first kiss with a game. You were the same you who insults my crocs and laughs at my sequins. You were the same you who I fell in love with that night we snuck out and pranked Gilbert. You were the same you who told me about your dreams; I could listen to you talk about them forever. You were the same you that you have always been, why did that make a difference?

So you had your kinks. I have mine. We've talked about some and by now you're more comfortable talking about such things with me even if we haven't taken that step. But darling, something like that could never stop me from seeing you as you have always been. You are the colors that paint my skies bright reds with fire and passion. You're the voice that soothes me on the most troublesome nights. Your touch is a blessing, I could drown in your arms. You laugh and I feel as if there is not a person or challenge the Lord can throw at me that I cannot take on. You're the moon in your dark, unpredictable love. I could stare into your eyes forever, trying to figure out a way to express precisely what you mean to me, my dearest.

I could never hate your brothers. Not if the Devil bribed me himself. They come with you and that's something I know and accept. Of course, I don't accept it as some sort of doom. Yes, your brothers get on your nerves and they embarrass you and like that night, they make you cry. However, do you remember when we walked back inside?

You were hiding in my shoulder as we walked in and I saw the look on your brothers' faces. I can tell you, even if you didn't see it then, there was love in their eyes and pain at the sight of what a bit too much teasing and speaking what they should not have spoken about did.

"Lorenzo?"

"Fuck off."

It was an expected response and a reasonable one too. Yet, I didn't want you to loathe them for the rest of your life.

Your youngest brother did the sweetest thing; he spelled out his words to me. I could have cried. It was such a simple thing, but to know he wanted to try and make me as comfortable and welcome as possible warmed my heart. Sweet thing, I suppose he thought I was deaf with all the signing and such.

"M….Y…..N….A...M...E...I..S….S...A...N...T..I….N...O"

You didn't notice until I started signing back the same to him.

"I…..C….A...N...H...E..A...R."

I pointed to my mouth and made an X. He picked up rather quickly and beamed.

"Stop bugging Antonio. Are you guys done embarrassing me? Can I leave now?"

"Lore-"

"Don't!"

I gently tapped your shoulder. I told you it was okay and that I wanted to stay and finish dinner. You looked shocked and frankly a little offended. I knew you wanted to leave, but I also saw that your brothers didn't want you to go.

'Lets stay' I repeated.

You sighed and nodded and we sat down.

Dinner was quiet. Nobody spoke. Santino and Feliciano were quiet and still. I wanted to break the silence. I tapped on your shoulder and smiled as I asked if you would translate for me. Your eyes went wide, surprised once again. I don't blame you. Things at dinner didn't go as we anticipated, but I hated the thought of leaving with such a thick blanket of tension over us.

"Antonio has asked me to translate for him so he's not spelling words out. But know if you say stupid crap, I will walk out. I didn't bring him to cry from humiliation."

Things seemed to ease up after that. Though, you looked red in the face at some of the stories they told at first. My favorite part of the night might have been when you finally broke into a smile and laughed back.

Do you have any idea how much I love the sound of your laughter?

It was almost as if nothing wrong had happened at all. Everyone was talking so casually. Even when Santino flicked food at you and me, I was enjoying myself. When we started flicking food back, I was even happier. There was a smile on your face so big the world could have frozen to stare in awe.

I did.

I didn't care that I had pasta in my hair or cannoli filling on my shirt. Yeah, it was a nice shirt, but I was having fun with you and your brothers. It was the first time I ever saw you really let yourself go and just enjoy the moment.

You've always been the type to hold things in and never tell me what's going on because you think that it's too stupid for me to care. You think that I don't see it, but I always have. You hold yourself high because you fear to fall down. In all honesty, I do too. You bite your nails when we're in public because you're scared, but I'm always going to be there for you. You pull at your hair when we're talking about your brothers because you think I hate them. When we dance, you hold me like you fear to let go.

To see you let go, to laugh, to get your hair messy and let yourself be vulnerable, I could have sworn God blessed me. All my prayers were answered in that moment I watched you. Darling, can you ever understand how much I want nothing more than to see you smile forever?

So perhaps that evening didn't go as planned.

Perhaps we all ended up cleaning the sauce off the carpet and the walls, hitting each other with the rags and sponges as well.

"How did you two meet?"

Feliciano looked over curiously as he squeezed the water and sauce out of his sponge.

You looked over at me and repeated my words.

"I was at the store trying to find a suit for my friend's wedding and Lorenzo was the only employee that knew sign language. He thought I was deaf and so he started making rather lewd-Okay, I did not! Don't tell them that!"

I smiled wide and lay my head on your shoulder. You had. You thought I couldn't hear the mutters under your breath about me and thought you needed to find out if I was gay or not.

"Ugh, you suck. He was professional while talking to me in sign language. Not so much in his whispers and comments to himself. He made a comment on how he needed to land a date with me if I was gay and that's when I tapped him and informed him that I am in fact, not deaf. His face was so red I thought that he was going to burst. But, we went out for coffee after that."

Your brothers laughed and you just stuck your tongue out at them.

Santino looked up from the floor he was scrubbing , "Lore has been teaching me sign language. But I am not that good with it yet."

I put my hand to my heart and smiled at him.

"T….H….A...N..K...Y...O...U...F...O...R….T…..R...Y….I...N...G."

Your brother smiled brightly at me, turning to you happily. "I like your new boyfriend!"

"Me too, he's sweet," Feliciano said.

You gave a shy smile, nodded and hugged me. "Good, because he's not going anywhere anytime soon."

I loved you. I love you.

And while your brothers were wild and the events went differently than I could have ever imagined, I loved every moment of the night. I was sure you saw the smile on my face, but I don't think you did. I also think that even though you had allowed yourself that moment of satisfaction in freedom and carelessness, the moment we started headed back to the apartment, everything started to hit you.

As we sat in the car, I saw how you looked out the window, chewed on your sleeve, and pulled at your hair. Oh dear, did you think I wouldn't notice? I know you. I wish I could have said something to you and told you it was okay. But I cannot do that, no matter how many nights I pray to God that I might.

So I held your hand and let you know it was okay to relax.

I did the same every time we saw your family. You have a tense relationship with your brothers and I know you love them, but I also know that you can't stand the thought of them sometimes. I know that some dinners you want to murder them and I know that sometimes dinner with them isn't the best idea. I respect that.

But Lorenzo, my dearest, most wonderful Lorenzo. How many nights have you asked me those questions that break my heart and make me wonder if something I do makes you think I hate them?
"Do you want to stay? We don't have to go visit them. It's just a party."

"Do you hate my brothers?"

"Is my family too much?"

"Do you hate them?"

"Do you hate me?"

"Are we too much?"

Lorenzo, if I had a dollar for every time you asked me such a question, I'd be the wealthiest man alive. My dear, I adore you. You knew that when we started dating and you know that now. I have always loved you and I always will because you make my heart race like nobody else can. You bring a smile to my face that I never want to let go of. I could dance with you forever, kiss you forever, travel the world on some crappy boat with you and I wouldn't care as long as you were by my side.

Will I spend the rest of my life reminding you how much you mean to me? Will I be old and grey with you still asking me those questions? If so, so be it! I can live with that. I want nothing more than to let you know I love you. I want to be old and grey with you. I want to be sitting in my wheelchair, holding your hand, and reminding you of all those years ago that you stumbled into my life and made the world the brightest of colors. You hit my life with style and you haven't stopped treating me to this never-ending ride of surprise and joy. Every day with you is an adventure worth living. Even rainy days where we cuddle up with each other and watch a movie with all the disgusting snacks possible. You are my paradise, my Fiji, the unexplored lands that I will spend the rest of my love adoring.

And your brothers? They are treasures I found along the way. Santino is a pain in the ass, don't get me wrong. How many shirts of mine have ketchup on them now? How many times has he done something stupid with that friend of his?

And Feliciano! Oh my gosh. The amount of sex advice is ridiculous. My love, I'm a crippling virgin. I don't understand half the crap he's telling me. It's embarrassing to get advice from him, especially when he's so very peppy about it. Lorenzo, I hate to break it to you, but your brother is a whore . Whoever he is dating must be experienced because I'm sobbing at the things he has told me.

But that doesn't matter to me. You haven't met my brother and in all honesty, I don't want you to meet him. He's a dick. But it would be unfair not to have you meet him, so someday you will. But, remember I'm the younger brother. I get all of his teasing and jokes and the crap from when we were kids. I know how siblings are and I know that family is often difficult. There isn't always an easy way to introduce someone to your family when you are in cases like this where they may not be the easiest or most respectful sibling.

That doesn't mean I hate your brothers. Just as I could never stop loving you, I could never hate them. You may or may not believe me. You may think I'm just sucking up because I don't want to offend you, but that's the largest lie you could ever tell yourself.

I love you. I always will. I've said it many times in this letter alone. I love you. I love you, Lorenzo Giovanni Vargas. You are the best part of my life and I could not ask for a better blessing than you.

From the moment we met in that store, I knew I would love you. Even if you were trying to be sly and see if I was into men in a sneaky way. That just made me adore you more. And perhaps I didn't sign up for your brothers or the chaos, or the sex talks, or any of the things I have experienced since that dinner last year.

You ask me that question constantly. That cursed question that makes all the rest of yours look tiny in comparison. That single damned question that I never enjoy hearing from you.

"Do you still love me even if my brothers mess things up?"

I have not stopped loving you or loved you any less since I met them. I cannot physically manage such a thing. In fact, I love you more. But I know why you ask that. I know why you get nervous. I know the thought of still wanting your weird and crazy brothers around might scare some people away. I know that you think I might love you less or leave you because I cannot handle them on the side. But you're right. I can't handle them on the side. I don't want them on the side. It's not because I don't love them. It's because I love them as well. And no matter how times you tell that they're terrible, or demons, or a million other insults, I will always love them as well. Every time you ask me if I'm annoyed with your family or you ask me if I want to leave after a dinner with them, I wonder if you'll ever quite fully understand:

Mi mundo, my heart has room for three.