Author's Note: I finally re-watched The "Hole In the Heart" for the first time in what must've been almost seven years and Vincent's death scene still leaves me so emotional and shaken; I so wasn't expecting that. :(
"Camille, come on, you gotta eat." Booth was trying to rally Cam to eat the grotesque hospital food, and she really wasn't having it. The food一like her general mood一was cold, odd, and offered no comfort.
"I'm fine, okay?" She could appreciate her friends' concern and kindness, but once the euphoria of birth had settled she began to feel the full weight of Vincent's absence through them and their reactions to Aida. Unfortunately, their niceties couldn't change any of those implications no matter how much they all wanted them to.
Booth tried to hold her eyes, hoping to get through to her somehow.
"Labor was just a lot harder than I thought it would be." She offered weakly, casting her eyes down. "But I'll be okay."
"Look, Bones was right when she said that no one is forcing you to feel happy about today." He held a hand to her face. "I know you wanna be tough, but you don't have to pretend anymore." There was a plea behind his eyes, a hope that she could step away from her guardedness.
While she had shared so much with these people and loved them unconditionally, they were still people that made her feel guilty. Regardless of what they said, everyone around her made her feel obligated to feel happy just through their sheer presence. And of course Vincent would've wanted her to be happy too, Cam thought as she looked down at her engagement ring. Was she even allowed to call it that anymore? It no longer represented the hope than an engagement carried.
"I-I appreciate it, Seeley, but Vincent would've," She had to stop herself to breath. "He wouldn't have wanted me to be upset."
Hodgins was just behind Booth, attempting to maintain his own emotions as well. Of course he could relate to her grief, but he also knew that it was difference; it was a difference that he knew that none of them could really bridge even if they tried.
"Cam, I know what you need." Hodgins turned around and pulled his laptop out of his bag and placed it on Cam's bedside table, pushing aside the pudding cup and cold casserole.
"Someone get Aida." He said as he clacked the keys which struck a distracting cord of suspicion within her. "Mrs. Nigel-Murray, can you see me?" He asked into the webcam.
The breath was knocked out of her when she heard Hodgins, and she was too stunned to mount a protest or question. Her chest felt light, but heavy all at once when Sweets carefully placed small Aida in Cam's arms.
Hodgins turned the laptop around to face Cam.
"Hello dear!" A beaming, older couple greeted her on the screen.
"H-Hi," Cam said weakly as a dull pounding began in her head. The baby almost rolled out of her arms as she felt all of her limbs go limp. Aida wiggled around in her blanket in response to this.
Up until now, Cam had only spoken to Vincent's parents, Patricia and James, over the phone. It was a complicated relationship she has built with them over the past five months, but she knew they deserved to be involved. It was the least she could offer them.
Like Aida, however, they didn't seem completely real. She had talked to them about how the baby was going, sent them ultrasounds, and even sent the occasional bump picture which was mostly motivated by Michelle's pleading. But seeing them now, poised on their living room couch felt like too much to process.
Patricia was small, had a round, caring face, short, dark brown hair, and the trademark brilliant blue eyes. James had comforting hazel eyes, round glasses, thinning hair, and a gracious smile. Their appearance should've been a comfort, though it only increased an intensity in Cam's heart.
All three of them were taken aback as they looked at each other in sheer stupefaction for a moment, but gradually the baby's presence trumped that sense.
"Oh, Camille! You look positively radiant." James remarked with a hand to his heart. "And the baby! Is it a boy or a girl?" Patricia squeezed his hand in glee.
"A-a girl!" Cam forced her muscles into another smile as a point of her charade. Holding her closer now, she took in Aida's delicate features and soft, blinking eyes like she was searching for some kind of thread or connection in her baby's face. "Her name is Aida." She tried to adjust her arms so as to hold Aida better, but every position felt awkward.
"S-she's so," Patricia's hand went to her mouth as a whimper escaped it. James' face also betrayed a similar solemn emotion which only caused Cam's defenses to mount. Her tightening expression pulled away the smile and replaced it with another frown and furrowed brows. "She looks so much like Vincent as a baby." Patricia finished breathlessly.
As the she gradually fell into a sob, he pulled her into his arms in an attempt to soothe her. Her heaves and crying struck Cam not just for their sadness, but for their familiarity. Few things about this moment were different from when she called to inform them of Vincent's death, come to think of it.
"Come now, Patty, this is a hopeful day." He brushed a tear of his own out of his eye. "This baby wouldn't want us to be sad; Vincent wouldn't want that either." He kissed his wife's temple.
Patricia nodded and pulled away from him, though Cam could sense a familiar twinge of hesitation that she felt in herself. She tried to distract herself from the raw emotion by adjusting the purple, knit cap on Aida's head.
"How are you feeling?" James asked tentatively.
"O-oh, I'm doing great," The lie only made her muscles and throat tighten more. She hoped that the webcam couldn't capture her reddening eyes.
Both of their faces constricted in concern, though neither desired to push her more than she already had been. "W-welll, we both hope that you and Aida can come see us sometime, or we could come to you as well." Patricia began, sniffling and wiping away a tear from her round cheek. "I think that would be good for everyone, don't you think?" She heartily patted James' arm.
"Absolutely, it would be great for you to see where Vincent grew up, for Aida to meet some of the family." He placed his hand over her's. "His sister, Lydia, wanted to talk to you when we found out you were going into labor, but…" He trailed off as they shared a worried glance.
Cam's knowledge about Lydia had been placed together from various bits here and there from Vincent and his parents. All she really knew was that Lydia was younger, studying law, still living in the U.K, and was quite stern compared to her brother. Whenever her parents discussed her, some hesitation and resentment on her side was discernible. On what many causes, though, Cam couldn't be sure.
"S-she's just very busy and, well, the situation is not ideal for anyone…" Patricia offered as she nervously looked from James to Cam.
Cam slowly nodded at the acknowledgement of yet another person she felt obligated to please and to ultimately disappoint, yet another theoretical issue now made real.
Suddenly, Aida started fussing which threw Cam out of her lapse of consciousness. "I-It's okay, sweetie." Cam pleaded while lightly bouncing her, desperately as she felt her frustration and exhaustion building with every cry.
"Oh no, did we upset her?" Patricia asked James worriedly.
"No, I think everything's fine." Cam offered, though it came off as more of a question than statement. Crying intensifying, Cam's uncertainty and panic was reflected on her friends' faces.
"Maybe we should let you go, but we will call you tomorrow." James tried to hold her eyes as some final attempt at connection, but the heartfelt reach fell flat on Cam's distracted and scrambled brain. "Just...take care of yourself; please."
"T-thank you," Cam offered haphazardly, though it was drowned out by Aida's crying. Putting away the laptop, Hodgins analyzed Aida like she was a complex organism.
"O-okay, um, i think she might need a diaper change o-or," He stuttered as he ran his fingers through his hair, full of agitation. He was basically just as clueless and flustered as Cam.
Booth tried dangling the heart plush in front of Aida while Brennan gamely put on her dancing phalanges routine to no avail and it only managed to increase the panic building in Cam's throat. Again, their friendly attempts were only making her feel worse.
"I think someone is hungry!" Eric, the nurse, burst through the door with his unwavering enthusiasm that Cam had truly begun to resent. "Are you ready?"
"Oh, geez." Cam felt the growing dread of the allusive breastfeeding with a lurch in her stomach. Given her relatively passive attitude to pregnancy and subsequent motherhood, she only had gathered bits and pieces of these sorts of things through Angela.
"Um, m-maybe we should go, Dr. Saroyan." Sweets awkwardly grabbed Daisy shoulders and tried to lead her towards the door.
"I'm with you Sweets, maybe let's just give her some privacy…" Booth coughed.
"Lance!" Daisy spun around out of his light grasp. "If I am to start a family with you, I would be remiss if you weren't mature enough to handle the idea of breastfeeding!" Brennan shot Booth a similar disappointed look.
"No no no," Cam held up a hand, still trying to wrangle the screaming baby. "I'm really fine with figuring this out on my own."
They all shared looks of hesitation at they registered Cam's uneasiness, but like Vincent's parents they didn't desire to push her further . Angela reached out a hand to Aida's soft head and leaned down to kiss it, subduing the baby's screaming to a softer cry. "We'll call you about the case later, okay? But just," She looked up at Cam with a tight smile. "Try your best to think about the good."
The rest of the group shuffled out of the room with a cluster of conflicting emotions while Eric pulled up a chair to Cam's bedside. With the back of her hand, she wiped away a small tear that had managed to escape her eye during Aida's fit. "I-I just don't know what I'm doing."
"It's alright! I'm sure that the three of us can figure out anything!" He smiled brightly at like there wasn't a fitful baby in the room.
Cam hesitantly undid the top of her hospital gown and attempted to nudge Aida's head to her chest, though the motion only jostled up her crying once again.
Noticing a sigh of frustration from Cam, Eric intervened. "Not all babies take to breastfeeding naturally; try and guide her just a bit more!" He cheered.
Her desperate, frustrated eyes met his excited ones. In a rush, she realized why Eric's enthusiasm bugged her so. It wasn't because of it's contrast to her damp mood; it was in fact that crushing familiarity that she had been awash in all day.
The last time she had witnessed such a level of excitement had been when Vincent was passionately explaining his dinosaur versus homosapien presentation to her, but she had been too distracted by her suspicions about her being pregnant to fully engage with him. It was one of many regrets from that day.
Brows furrowed with a sense of helplessness, she tried to coax Aida to latch onto her breast through her crying. Aida's face only became pinched and her body wriggled more as she forcefully turned away from Cam.
"She's n-not latching; I'm so awful at this." The anxious feelings were revving up again, and it was evident in Cam's voice and labored breathing.
"No, don't say that. You're doing so well. " His voice was softer now. "Dr. Amber told me about how your hus-, how Aida's-" He cast his eyes away as he was unsure about the best phrasing. "I'm sure if he could be here, he'd be really proud of both of you."
Cam looked back at him with a pained expression, but it grew more serious. "Can you just please take her?" She fastened her gown and attempted to hand over the equally frustrated baby,
"A-Are you sure?" Eric slowly took Aida from Cam.
"Cam?" Michelle was at the doorway with her own brand of trepidation. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to come back earlier; I just couldn't miss class." She gave a worried look to Eric as he held her baby sister.
"What's the matter?" She asked feverishly when she sat down by Cam, noticing her upset expression. Not desiring to interfere or upset more than he already had, Eric quickly left with Aida.
"Oh, Michelle," Cam croaked while the tears were mounting and began to appear in Michelle's eyes as well. She tightly took her daughter's hand. Even though their relationship had never been easy Cam knew that unlike her friends, her and Michelle did share in this brand of grief. Michelle could absolutely understand the hope brought by death, given the death of Michelle's father reunited them in the first place. She was her mother, but she also didn't feel like she had to put up a front.
"I know that I don't have to be jumping for joy or anything, but Vincent would've wanted me to be happy, and I don't feel anything for her."
Michelle's own face fell as she took in her mother's sadness, feeling a tug in her own heart. "I-I thought you were excited about the baby. I know that it was tough, but she was something to be excited about, past everything else." She offered with a sniffle. Her mother's pregnancy had come as a shock to Michelle, both because of her mother's typically cautious nature and because she had only seen Vincent once or twice through chance encounters in the lab. But she could discern how much he had meant to her mother, and how much regret she had about their relationship.
"I know but, maybe I just felt like that was what I was suppose to feel. If everyone else was pining for her, then I had to be. But now that she's here I," she swallowed hard. "It's like I'm back to that day..."
Cam's lower lip quivered, tears dampened her cheeks, and her eyes became puffy and red as she felt the full wave of familiarity. "I can't even look at her. I look into her eyes a-and all I can think about is feeling his heart stop while he begged to stay alive, begged to stay with me."