Author's Note: Just to avoid any confusion, Cam is supposed to have given birth around 7x04 (even though I made up a case for that chapter in the first Sweet Wine to Vinegar), so this takes place around 7x05 or 7x06. It's kinda vague since we don't really know how time flows between the episodes. Anyway, enjoy! Reviews are appreciated! ^^
Michelle finally managed to get Cam situated with Aida and her stroller, though with an palpable sense of resistance on Cam's part. The elaborate piece of machinery had been a joint present from Brennan and Angela, and its intricacies had left Cam daunted from the day she had unwrapped it. But like most things, she felt forced to stifle her insecurities in order to embrace it.
Venturing outside of the apartment did feel strange. The feeling of maneuvering along the sidewalk-stroller and diaper bag in tow-was foreign and even a bit absurd to her. Cam was still getting used to the matronly image that her friends seemed to adapt to it so effortless.
Every bump on the sidewalk jostled the stroller and Cam's nerves. With a soft curse under her breath, she attempted to stabilize it but it was made considerably tricky by her three-inch heels. She had worn them nearly everyday in the lab-even while she was pregnant-but she had been severely out of practice as they didn't quite match the sweatpants and knit sweaters that she had grown accustomed to wearing at home.
She still had tried to look nice. It was a part of the whole brave front, maybe, as her looks were such a major aspect of her authority at work. Even though she still didn't fit into all of her old clothes, she had opted for a similarly styled white and blue dress from the earlier days in her pregnancy. It wasn't what her weak spirit wanted to wear, though she hoped it would maintain appearances for Brennan and Angela no matter how fake it all felt.
Briefly, Cam glanced down at Aida who had somehow managed to be lulled into a slumber; who knew street traffic and a bumpy stroller could do just the trick? Her peaceful face, binky rising up and down with her breathing was serene and almost incredibly perfect, but was still not enough to break through Cam's listless haze.
Cramming the impressive stroller through the entrance to the diner gave Cam that gnawing, familiar feeling of her numerous parental shortcomings. She could feel the accusatory glares from the diner patrons.
"Cam! Let me help you." Brennan rushed from their usual table with Angela close behind.
"Oh, no, I've got it; don't worry." Cam held up an acknowledging hand with a weak smile as she finally got the stroller through the door. She would feel bad to make Brennan handle the stroller considering she was nearly 8 months pregnant at this point.
"Ugh, I'm just so happy to see you out of the house, Cam." Angela hugged Cam before they settled at the table. "How are you feeling?"
"Well, y'know…" Cam deflected the question with another weak smile as she distractedly adjusted Aida's stroller to rest next to her chair across from Angela and Brennan. What she really felt was tired, frustrated, guilty, upset, and sad, but what good would come from depressing her friends with information like that? They would want to do something to help, and ultimately feel worse when they realized how little they could do. It was a cycle she was far too familiar with.
Brennan and Angela retreated, looking down at their menus and slowly nodding. This wasn't a comfortable line of questioning for them either. They were feeling similar bouts of guilt over not knowing how they could actually get past Cam's emotional guard since the day Aida had been born, or maybe even before that.
The collective grief was suppose to make them closer, yet it only seemed to have excluded Cam, leaving her stranded with her own brand of grief and pain. They didn't want to talk about it, though, regardless of Sweets' pleading. Vincent's death broke their hearts and disrupted nearly every comfortable aspect of their lives, was there really more to say? And how could they talk about it without re-hashing their sullen emotions?
Brennan cleared her throat. "How about a round of decaf coffees?" She asked gleefully, attempting to rouse Cam's mood.
"Oh, that would be great!" Angela replied, training an expectant smile on Cam.
"Sure." Cam felt like she had to consciously pull her muscles into a smile to appease the exaltation of decaf coffee.
"How's Michael doing?" Cam asked once Angela had gamely placed their coffee order.
Angela was almost surprised at Cam's foray into light, friendly conversation. "O-Oh, he's just a precious angel. A crying, pooping, puking angel, but still precious nonetheless." She nudged Brennan with her elbow. "You'll see soon enough." She said in a sing-song tone.
"That is true; I'm very excited to finally meet my daughter." Brennan could barely keep the smile off of her face. "Cam, how did you decide on colors for your nursery? Booth wants pink, but I do not wish to force societal gender expectations on her at such an early stage in her cultural acclimation."
"Oh, um," Cam averted her eyes and focused instead on her coffee mug that had been placed on their table. "It's a light purple, but Michelle really took charge on decorating. I wasn't really...into the whole 'nesting' thing like you read about in the books."
The air around the threesome felt stiff and cold as another sour topic was unknowingly brought up once again. Cam tried to keep her expression light as she mindlessly stared at the coffee, chin in her palm.
"Do you know what you want to order?" Angela spoke up, desparate to diffuse the unfortunate subject.
"I don't know if I'll get anything; everything I eat makes me sick." Cam supplied casually, placing her menu at the end of the table.
"Can you still get morning sickness after giving birth?" Brennan asked with a curious, innocent tone.
"No," Cam cleared her throat. "It's not really like that, but I'm really okay, honestly." She didn't even know how to describe it to herself, let alone to Brennan. It wasn't a symptom of pregnancy, but of the constant constriction she felt in her chest. It was the same feeling that had drained her already deprived energy and replaced in with fevered guilt, remorse, and occasional bout of melancholy.
"Honey, just because you're not pregnant doesn't mean you don't have to have a good diet. You need the energy, and you need it to breastfeed too." Angela reached over to hold Cam's hand in comfort.
"Well," Cam glanced over at Aida, still snoozing in her stroller. "The baby refuses to breastfeed anyway. I swear, she hates me." She said the last part in an attempt to sound comical, but it's gutting truth only came across as cold.
"At Aida's stage in development, she has not developed the cognitive ability to have distinct emotions like that." Brennan added for her own intellect, and also for Cam's sake. Somehow, the comment did manage to alleviate the strange air.
"More bizarre things have happened." Cam responded, wanly.
After sufficient begging on the part of her friends, Cam caved and ordered the oatmeal while Angela and Brennan ordered the yogurt parfait and eggs benedict, respectively.
Angela wanted to keep the conversation light, but she was still very concerned for her friend. Cam's once strong personality and attitude had dwindled away before their very eyes. Though she was still trying to dress the same and eschewed any concerns about her well-being, it was all just a shell that tugged at Angela's heart. "Have you talked to Vincent parents recently?" She asked, her friendly concern defying social politeness.
Cam looked up from her mindless stirring of the bland oatmeal. "I-I mean, I try my best. They really want to come visit, but I'm really not sure if I'm going to have the time with work, the baby, and all." She quietly hoped that would be enough for her friends. The truth was that was trying her best to avoid Vincent's parents. Logically, they were feeling as upset as she was since they were trying to live through the same, momentous loss. Still, whenever they called asking about visiting or sending pictures Cam would grow uncharacteristically nervous and even panicked; she'd only manage to mutter some comforting words to them through gritted teeth and growing nerves. They only served as another reflection for her guilt.
"Oh, honey, they're grandparents. They'll happily take Aida off of your hands." Angela offered, but Cam just gave another weak smile in response.
Forks scraped against plates in their silence while Cam simply stared at her oatmeal, occasionally rocking Aida's stroller to keep her at bay. Brennan glanced up at Cam, her sullen expression apparent.
Like Angela, Brennan didn't know how to handle their collective grief; she didn't know how to handle grief period. She could relate to Cam's hurt more than Angela could, though. There was the aspect of losing someone meant to be so integral to your life, and not quite knowing how you were suppose to move on without them. Then there was the day Vincent had died. The two of them were kneeling over him, trying to keep pressure on his bullet wound and had to be pulled away by Booth once they had lost him. Hearing his final pleas to Cam and their baby, and having to see the life flicker from his eyes had been disturbing; it was an odd experience to share with each other.
Brennan's more emotional side had been opening up with this pregnancy as well; her consideration of life's precarious nature grew with it, and she had wanted to talk to Cam about these things. She longed for a time when her blunt nature could override social politeness, but Cam had been pregnant back then and it felt too much even for Brennan. Now, Cam's dismissive, sheltered attitude was blocking the conversation.
"Cam, I know we are all very concerned about tracking down Pelant right now, but you can talk to us." Brennan broke the silence. "We keep trying to tell you that you don't have to keep this brave face, but you just ignore us." The sincerity in her celery-green eyes nearly shocked Cam.
Cam sat up straighter with a baffled expression. "Where is this coming from?" She always took such stock in Brennan being unemotional, why was she deciding to change that just now?
"No one knows how to behave around you." Angela almost blurted out. "We feel awful pretending like everything is normal, but then we feel guilty seeing you keep up this brave face when you're still obviously upset."
Cam's throat constricted at the sudden turn in the conversation to the most raw, emotional issue. Maintaining a stunned expression, she tried to control her breathing. "Maybe the brave face is all I have left anymore."
"But Cam, while we may not have Vincent anymore, we still have each other." Brennan pleaded, noticing Cam's emotional unrest. "And you have Michelle, and Aida...you have to be there for them."
Cam averted her eyes as she felt upwelling of warm tears. "It doesn't matter how many looks of sympathy you give me; neither of you has any idea what this has been like for me. Becoming mothers was all so easy for you." It wasn't entirely true, and Cam knew this, but her pent up exhaustion and heartache wasn't leaving any room for conscious thought or back tracking.
Angela's breathing grew ragged and her muscles numb at this. She swallowed hard and maintained a strong glare at Cam. "That is so not true, Cam. I didn't even know if Michael was going to be able to see or not. I worried every single day about it, I could hardly sleep, and you know that." She was trying her best to maintain her composure, though it was nearly impossible as her heart rate and nerves grew more intense. Rationally, she knew that Cam was just upset, but the comment dug at Angela nonetheless.
"That ended for you. This-" Cam took a shallow breath. "Is never going to end for me."
"Ang, Cam, this isn't a contest-" Brennan supplied, trying to maintain the peace, but was quickly interrupted by Angela.
"You didn't even let Vincent tell us you were dating!" Angela interrupted as her cheeks were growing red as she became more upset. "You couldn't even tell him that you were pregnant! For god sake, Cam, Hodgins and I had to tell him! How would you have felt if he never found out? If he hadn't been able to buy you your engagement ring?" Her voice was cold, and the things she was saying were utterly cruel, but like Cam she had been pushed passed the point of conscious speaking.
"Do you honestly think I don't consider that?" The tears in Cam's eyes were out now, running down her cheeks, while the anger and raw emotion was building in her chest. "Everyday I have to stare at the biggest regret of my life, even though I'm suppose to love her over everyone else!"
"You couldn't bring yourself to love him, and you can't bring yourself to love this baby either!" Angela said with an uncharacteristic sneer as her own tears were mounting.
"But Vincent would not have wanted you to be so...upset and hiding it from your friends w-who love you." Brennan pressed. "I was there too, Cam! I-It's not just you!"
Eyes red and cheeks flushed, Cam stared blankly at the two of them. The tightness in her body grew, and even her thoughts became blank. With numb limbs, she managed to stand up while clumsily pushing in her chair and grabbing Aida's diaper bag. "Y-your babies all having loving fathers, and you'll get to move past all of this; I will never be able to have that."
Haphazardly, she pushed Aida's stroller out of the diner past the gaping patrons. Her chest felt so heavy that she wanted nothing more than to collapse on the sidewalk, but she tried to salvage some degree of energy to push past it.
Wiping away tears with one hand and controlling Aida's stroller with the other, Cam tried to gather her thoughts. She never had a fight like this with Angela or Brennan before. When she was pregnant, they had all avoided talking about the tough things. Cam wanted to live in some kind of ignorance while they felt too guilty about grilling her on these topics; now, they had begun to fester and gnaw at all of them. Still, that didn't make their sympathies any less frustrating or helpful, and it didn't change her longing for a time when she was braver and stronger than this leftover-Cam.
She was so consumed by her flurry of emotions that she didn't notice when the right wheel of the stroller caught onto the curb by the edge of the sidewalk, knocking the wheel off as she tried to go over it.
"Shit!" She cursed loudly as the people around her started shooting her worried and shocked looks. The sudden jolt of movement broke Aida's peaceful nap and caused her to erupt in her trademark ear-splitting cry. The scene was so chaotic it was too much for Cam's limited thinking to focus on one thing.
Wipe my face, no.
Calm the baby down, no.
Fix the stroller, no.
Why can't he be here?
"Miss, do you need some help?" Cam felt a hand on her shoulder. Quickly turning around, she saw that it belonged to a small, old woman. The tan, wrinkled skin on her face was constricted in clear concern, the emotion made more so by her sad eyes.
"Oh," Cam quickly wiped her face and cleared her throat. "I'm fine." She turned away from the woman, hoping to continue the front for anyone at this point. Having been broken from her trance, she detached the bassinet from the stroller and folded the legs, weakly carrying both to her car with Aida maintaining her crying.
Disheveled, crushed, and cheeks still stained with tears, Cam managed to load the busted stroller and Aida into the car. Once she sat behind the wheel, she felt the surge of emotions again. Through the wave of tears blurring her vision, she looked down at her engagement ring with a heavy heart.
She had been an awful girlfriend, and now she was an awful mother.