Buzz.
Cam wasn't sure what time she had fallen asleep, nor what time she was waking up. What she could see was the orange hues of the setting sun were refracting on the white living room walls, indicating that a significant amount of time had passed since her stroller meltdown.
Buzz.
Wiping her eyes and sitting up from the couch, Cam realized that the incessant noise that had woken her was the doorbell. Had Michelle come back? No, she had taken her keys with her, but what if someone bad had happened?
Standing up a bit too quickly, her head felt light as another sense of urgency shot through her head. Oh god, Aida.
Buzz. Buzz.
Nearly tripling over herself, Cam rushed over to Aida, still in her bassinet by the door. Cam could see that her eyes were still watery from her fussing, but looked otherwise content as she was snuggled in her blankets. Still, Cam nervously scooped her up and checked for any major causes of concern. She was still breathing, her diaper was fine, she wasn't crying; all she was doing was staring right through Cam's being with her mystical blue eyes.
Buzz.
The ring of the doorbell threw her into another haphazard fit as she nearly flew to the door with another biting sense of concern. Was Michelle alright? Or maybe Brennan and Angela had come over to apologize for what happened at lunch?
As she threw open the door, her eyes went wide with surprise when she saw the mysterious guest.
"Mr. Vaziri?"
From the look on his face, Arastoo seemed just as shocked to see Cam as she was. It was probably due to Cam's relatively unkempt appearance which was currently a great departure from her usually poised look at work. From all of the stress crying, her make-up had been smudged with her hair slightly frazzled and clothes slightly wrinkled from the nap. Also, she had taken off her impressive heels which made her height fall slightly below his. The disheveled look was perfectly completed with balancing Aida on her hip.
"H-Hi, Dr. Saroyan, I'm sorry, but it this a bad time?" Arastoo asked tentatively, his brown eyes tinted with a sense of worry as he held a notebook close to his chest.
"Oh! Um," Still holding the door, she tried to focus her mind after the initial surprise. It was not the best time, but the look on his face was too expectant just to turn him away. "T-this is fine, but what is this about? Did something happen at the lab?" Even though she had plenty to worry about at home, she would still frequently fret about the goings on at the lab.
"Well," Arastoo opened his notebook and took out a folded report. "I did want to give you this report from the last case you were working before, well. y'know." He gave a light smile, acknowledging the chaotic day at the lab when her water broke right in front of him in the bone room and little Aida's momentous arrival.
With an awkward grimace, she nodded. "Oh yes, I remember." A part of herself still hadn't gotten over how the embarrassment of her water breaking practically on an intern and how she might ever hope to repair her sense of authority.
"Anyway," Arastoo stiffened his posture. "I just wanted to make sure you had it because I wasn't sure if you were reading your emails right now." He offered.
Cam took the report from his hand, though she wasn't entirely sure how committed she'd really be to reading it given her current state. "I will look it over when I have the chance. Is that all you came over here for, Mr. Vaziri?" She asked placidly, trying to maintain a stable front.
"Admittedly, Dr. Saroyan, all of the interns have been really worried about you and we do understand that our work comes first at the lab. However, I just wanted to make sure that you were alright, but now that I'm here this feels very unprofessional of me and I fully understand if you-"
"N-no!" She quickly muttered. "That's really very sweet of you; please, you can come inside." She gestured with a weak smile as Aida eyed him somewhat curiously. On any other day, perhaps, Cam would be annoyed with being disturbed at home, but her feelings were too manic to even process the disturbance. Furthermore, she aspired to be a stern boss, but not a cruel one.
Arastoo seemed surprised by the gesture, but gracefully nodded and made his way inside. He tentatively took a seat by the window while she sat diagonal to him on the couch, Aida nestled in her lap.
"You really don't have to be worried, about me I mean." Cam offered matter-of-factly as an attempt to maintain her authority and guardedness, even know. After her fights with not just Brennan and Angela, but also Michelle, a part of her was reflectively fighting over any sense of sympathy.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but how can anyone...not worry?" Arastoo said, a strong sense of conflict in his voice. Cam, again, felt surprised as his emotional sincerity and concern. "Death is not unfamiliar to us, but, Vincent..." He trailed off, trying not to look directly at Aida or Cam. He hadn't anticipated to come off this strong, but he felt shaken by Vincent's death as well and the other interns weren't always up to discuss it, not that he could blame them.
Cam looked away too, feeling the familiar build of emotions behind her eyes. "I am...dealing with this. It's not like Vincent and I planned on having a baby, it just sort of happened. H-he did want us to get married, and maybe because of that everyone doesn't think I'm handling it...well, but it's going through the motions." She shoved the issue aside as if such a tragedy like this happened to anyone.
"Forgive me, Dr. Saroyan, but this is not a case of just going through the motions." He asserted, now more open compared to his reserved behavior at the door.
She felt the lurch and impact of his words; he had been able to see right through her. Instinctively, she pulled Aida in closer to her body and sighed, looking away again as she felt her face pinch in tension. Admittedly, Cam felt like the longer she denied the full weight of what had happened to her, the more she could pretend that her life could go on normally. No matter how intelligent and capable she was, it still felt like the most reassuring reaction.
With another bewildered expression, Arastoo cursed under his breath. "I'm so sorry, I-I didn't mean to say something that accusatory. It's just all so difficult. Raising a child on your own isn't easy on its own, but trying to grieve at the same time feels simply...unimaginable." He swallowed a lump in his throat out of nerves. He hadn't come here with the intention of criticizing his boss' emotional state. "I just wanted to offer my, condolences is all."
"I-It's alright." She sniffled. A part of her couldn't believe that Arastoo was venturing so far into such an emotional subject, but it was a much needed apologetic approach. "No one knows how to talk about it, really, but it feels like everyone is...pushing me, no matter how much they deny it. Pushing me to express my grief a certain way or to even just to love Aida a certain way." The impact of her words could be seen on his face, though he was almost too stunned to continue talking. She had purposefully tried not to admit her lack of love for Aida to anyone in fear of the cruel connotation of such feelings.
"He'd be so disappointed in me." She felt her eyes glaze over again, the orange light reflecting off of them; her tears stopped bothering to account for an appropriate audience anymore. "I couldn't open up to him, and now I can't even open up to our child. Even Brennan and Angela think I've turned even colder since having her. After Broadsky shot him, right in front of me I just felt like my heart was absolutely...shattered, I don't even know how to clinically describe it. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem like it can love anymore. I thought I felt that way when Michelle's father died, but still is entirely...worse."
Arastoo looked down at his folded hands, sorrowfully and clearly attempting to restrain the pain in his face. A part of him felt guilty for witnessing such vulnerability, but he still had a strong feeling to help. "You know," he looked at her sincerely. "One time, maybe a year ago, we all went out for drinks together. Daisy was just going on and on about Sweets, and we were all getting a bit bored or irritated. But Vincent, he just didn't even care. He had this starry look in his eyes, and he wistfully said something like: 'When two people in love hold eye contact for three minutes, their heart beats will synchronize.' " He was looking past Cam now, his expression light but still somewhat pained. "I'm sure, he was thinking about you."
Cam felt her face grow hot and she tensed while trying to wrangle Aida yet again.
His heartbeat.
She remembered it, though it wasn't something one would immediately think of. She could recall what sheer intimacy she felt when simply laying beside him, hearing the calming rhythm of his breath and heartbeat. They represented a tangible proof that he was there, with her. It was probably the slightest feature of a person, but she found herself missing it the most. It was something that was truly gone when he was gone; yes, she had his visible features through Aida, but it was the little senses that were nearly impossible to replicate and relive.
And, of course, there was the terror at having heard and felt his heartbeat fade away.
Cam felt the rush of emotion again, but she was really trying her best to keep it as tucked away as possible.
With a sympathetic look, Arastoo could read the impact of his words though he had never intended it to cause another emotional tear. However, the tense air proved that the traditional, protective barriers had come down. She was a widowed, single mother with smeared make-up, a broken stroller, and a nearly permanent hysterical infant. She wasn't his unfeeling, strict boss anymore.
"He was an amazing and compassionate person; I don't even think he had the ability to be disappointed in anyone, let alone the mother of his daughter." He tried to pull Cam out of her reddened eyes with a hopeful expression. "I feel like we all learned a lot from him, and not just from his facts."
Taking in his words, she nodded and felt a reserved smile on her face, the closest she had ever had in months. She had learned a lot. Maybe she hadn't always felt like a caring enough person for his bright self, but she was able to learn the value of viewing the world in such an excitable and curious way. Maybe, she thought, that was another thing Aida would inherit from her dad.
"Everyone has so many conflicting idea of how to move on not just because of you or Aida, but also because we all loved him so much. You're allowed to be sad, or even upset at fate for taking him away. You can also really try and push yourself to move on, but it's not easy to have such a clear sense of what we can do or what we should do." He offered sagely and with a soft tone. "I've been trying to gain a clearer sense through writing, actually, specifically in a poem a wrote for Aida."
Taking in his sincere, pained look, Cam felt another wash of surprise. "A-a poem?" She had understood that he wrote poetry since he was trying to publish a book of poems and was taking time off of work to do so, but one for Aida?
"I mean, I know she won't be able to read it for a long time, but I just...felt compelled to." He said with a twinge of defensiveness, eyebrows joining on his forehead, while Cam maintained her stunned expression. "Can I read it for you?"
She gave a tight, but still welcoming, nod.
"A single day can cause a shift, we are caught in its effects from begin and to end, what it can hold so unknown to our mental grip, though there is sacrament on this new ground;
The world may refuse to turn on this new direction, a cloud may fog over any sense of reflection, but so the future folds atop the past, maintaining its sense to last." He looked at her from his notebook, his expression was somewhat conflicted as if worried what emotional upheaval he might push Cam into.
Aida stopped squirming, as if she was equally mystified by Arastoo's words.
"I know it's kind of an overstep, Dr. Saroyan, but I felt like it was the least I could do. It's meant to be a poem of hope; hope that her life won't be defined by this tragedy, that she can can somehow get to know Vincent, and hope for you too."
"For me?"
"Yes, hope that you heart will learn how to love again."