Chapter Three

"My compliments to the chef," Joey said lounging back against the sofa as Pacey rinsed off their dinner plates just a few feet away. The dimmer lights were down, setting the room in a lazy glow. The strain of the day became a faint nuisance.

Well, I try," Pacey grinned over his shoulder drying his hands on a dish towel. "Pizza is my specialty."

"It does have the four major food groups. I'll give you that." She smirked back.

Pacey walked toward her as a new song began to flow out from the stereo. His humorous blue gaze turned to soft tenderness. He halted in front of her and extended his hand, "How about it, Miss Potter?"

Her lips tugged up into a full smile as her hand went into his. Before long, the rest of her body dissolved into his embrace. Her gaze connected with his as they began to sway back and forth.

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself

Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms

There's something' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast

Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

Closing her eyes, Joey rested her chin on his shoulder, absorbing his warm caress across her neck and down her back, bringing her back to when the simplest confessions of I remember everything turned one dance into a momentous occasion consumed with longing and youthful angst, angst that seemed so irrelevant now.

If you knew how lonely my life has been

And how low I've felt so long

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along

And Change my life the way you've done

She lifted her head and looked up into his intense features, a slight smile curving across his face Her heart beat faster. His musky aftershave made her pleasantly lightheaded as all the years apart suspended in the heavy air. If only she could go back to that dance five years ago and reverse the painful outcome. So many things she wished had happened differently.

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm way back where I belong

His lips touched hers lightly, forcing all her regrets to retreat, bringing her to the here and now, the one place that she had craved to be for so long. His tongue sought entrance and she obliged. Her fingers tangled through his thick, dark hair as his arms wrapped tightly around her waist, holding her more intimately to his length.

She was drowning.

A window breaks, down a long, dark street

And a siren wails in the night...

His hand slowly moved up her side, then further until his fingers brushed her right breast. She let out an almost torturous moan and she jumped back.

"Jo," Pacey exclaimed startled, his forehead crinkling in concern.

"I'm…I'm sorry," Joey stammered, not able to look at him directly, sweeping strands of her behind her ear.

"Look at me, Jo" he gently ordered.

She reluctantly lifted her head.

"What's wrong?"

Could she tell him now? Joey thought. She should tell him, she knew. But could she? The reality of what could be awaiting her recoiled her stomach. If she said the words, it would be real. And dealing with what was real was never her strong suit. She wanted concrete answers before pulling Pacey into this potential nightmare.

But she wouldn't lie to him either.

"Pacey," Joey gave a small smile, bordering on solemn, "I can honestly say, as of right this moment, nothing is wrong."

His brows furrowed. "What does that mean?"

Joey sighed. "It's been a long day, Pacey. I've had my nose in a manuscript most of the day. I'm tired. I have a headache. I…. I promise if there happens to be something to tell you, I will."

"Well, that sounds cryptic," he stated, his voice becoming distant.

Joey reached out and took his hand, her eyes pleading with him to understand, "I don't mean to be, not exactly anyway. Can you just hold me tonight, Pace? I…I just need to feel your arms around me," her voice hitched with unconcealed emotion.

With worry etched across his face, Pacey just stared at her for a few endless seconds before nodding slightly. He enfolded her in his arms. "I'm holding you to that promise," he whispered before closing his eyes and kissing her forehead.

…...

Monday evening at the Icehouse was as chaotic as ever. No rest for the weary when you owned the most popular eatery in town. Pacey had greeted the patrons, checked in with his staff, and made a quick stop in the kitchen to survey preparations. When he finally stepped into his back office, he let out a tired breath, sitting down behind his desk.

He finally had everything he ever dreamed, but everything felt as if it was ready to fall through the icy cracks. The weekend had started out perfect, beyond perfect. His connection with Joey had seemed iron clad. That first night all he could see in her sparkling brown eyes was endless hope for their future.

Then came Saturday morning and that hope began to flicker from her gaze.

What had happened?

Was she having second thoughts?

Pacey had kept waiting for her to open up and tell him what was eating her, but that moment never came. On Sunday, Joey had almost seemed back to normal. She'd put on a bright smile as they navigated through the hustle and bustle of the city. They'd reveled in the sight of symbolic freedom of the Statue of Liberty; they'd enjoyed the array of works at the Museum of Modern Art to Joey's artistic delight; and then they relaxed and ate in the cozy firelight of the restaurant, One If By Land, Two If By Sea.

But Pacey had still sensed the tension within her. In fact, it had become abundantly clear when she'd fallen right to sleep when they arrived home.

"The day just wore me out. I'm exhausted," she'd murmured against his chest.

It was not the lack of sex that bothered him. They were never just about sex even if the gravitational pull had never weakened between them. It was the sudden lack of communication that had him at a complete loss. She was hiding something, that much was obvious.

Should he push the issue? No, he decided, not quite yet anyway.

Their early morning goodbye had been bittersweet. Even though his visit hadn't quite lived up to his expectations, they both didn't want it to end.

"I really wish life didn't have to give us these obstacles," Joey had confessed, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"But we wouldn't be us without them, right?" he smiled down at her.

"Unfortunately, that does seem to be the case," she agreed, her eyes clouding with dispiritedness.

His heart squeezed, "But to our good fortune, Gretchen has decided to continue her role as an ideal sister and help out next weekend too," he told her, his voice purposely heightening with hopefulness.

Her eyes glimmered a bit and her mouth curved up slightly, "Well, I can hardly wait." She said, meeting his lips in one last, long kiss before he reluctantly walked out the door.

Leaning forward now, Pacey reached for the phone, feeling a bit uneasy about leaving her. The restaurant needed him, but he had an overpowering hunch that Joey needed him more even if she wouldn't admit it.

Three rings later she was picked up.

"Hey."

"Hey," came her soft reply, "I was just thinking about you."

"What a coincidence," he smiled. "Any specifics you care to share." Pacey chuckled, picturing her signature roll of the eyes.

"I…I just wish we could rewind back to Friday," Joey confessed gloomily, "and have a do-over. Everything after that was a disaster and I'm sorry, Pace."

"There's no reason to apologize, Jo," he quickly countered. "I just wish you would tell me what's wrong. I don't want us to fall into that old pattern. This is a fresh start, right?"

She sighed heavily, "Like I said, there's nothing wrong. And if there is, I'll tell you. I love you, Pacey, and I don't want anything getting in our way this time."

"Same goes for me, Jo," he replied gently. "Please if anything does come up, promise me you won't let it fester.

"I promise."

After they said good night, Pacey reclined back and closed his eyes, trying to suppress the urge to run back to New York.

…...

Joey leaned her head back against the wall of Dr. Meredith Gardner's waiting room, it had been a shaky few days. Now it was Thursday the day of reckoning. When she first called for an appointment, as luck would have it, there was an opening Monday afternoon. So, even with an overload of work she took a sick day.

All the while, she wouldn't let her cynical self-make her a nervous wreck. It was probably nothing, she'd chanted in her head.

That all ended, however, when Dr. Gardner had looked at her with serious eyes and said that she'd like Joey to go for a mammogram the next day. She would call over at Presbyterian Hospital and see what they had open.

"There's a good chance that this is nothing. With your family history, however, I want to be safe rather than sorry," the doctor had stated with sincere honesty.

So, this meant more time away from work, more sidestepping Pacey's worrisome calls with feigned normalcy, not to mention Bessie's concern. She couldn't do this to them, Joey realized. She wanted to tell them, but she also didn't want to make this situation any more dramatic. It was tug of war with her head and heart. It was essentially her same old song but with a different, drearier beat.

Going through the uncomfortable mammogram was not as terrible as the seemingly endless wait for the results. She had tried to keep herself occupied with her manuscripts, but her mother had invaded her mind., her brown eyes, similar to Joey's own, turning from bright with optimism to faint and accepting, her voice echoing….

"I will fight this…I'm not about to give up."

"I'll always be here with, you, Joey, even if you can't see me."

"Joey Potter, Dr. Gardner will see you now?" a nurse called from the entryway to the back of the clinic.

Joey blinked out of her reverie and stood on heavy legs. As she followed the nurse, her stomach knotted so tightly, making her severely nauseous. As she waited for the doctor, the white walls decorated with Harvard plaques and other awards seemed to close in around her like a vice,

Deep breaths, in and out, in and out.

"Joey," Dr. Gardner's voice pulled Joey out of her panicked state, taking a seat behind her desk and facing Joey with kind but serious green eyes.

She sat up straighter, ready for the inevitable. "It's not good, is it?" she asked without preamble.

The doctor looked down for a moment at her file, then back up, "Well, we don't know yet. Joey, the mammogram results show that there is a mass about two centimeters in diameter, barely visible. I'd like to schedule you for a biopsy."

Her throat constricted, "When?"

"As soon as possible, early next week, maybe," Dr Gardner replied all professional before turning empathic. "Joey, I'm not going to lie. This isn't going to be easy, but it would help if you had a support system. Very few can handle this alone. Do you have family and friends close by?"

She only nodded.

…...

First came the jingle of keys and then the turn of the knob. The anxiety he'd carried from Capeside overwhelmed him now as he stood by the window looking absently at the city skyline. After several days of hearing Joey's tiresome, melancholy voice over the phone, Pacey couldn't bear it any longer. And when Bessie shared the same worry, he didn't waste time in getting on the next plane.

Joey walked into the living room, her eyes widening, "Pacey."

He took in the dark circles under her eyes and thinning face. It had barely been a week, but she looked as if she lost a few pounds. God, what was happening? Was he the cause? Pacey couldn't help the thought from creeping in like a snake slithering by with his old insecurities.

"What are you doing here?" Joey asked surprised. "What about the restaurant?"

"The restaurant," Pacey echoed, laughing humorlessly. "Bodie's taking care of it, but I don't give a damn about the restaurant. My only concern is you, Jo. Don't you get that by now." He almost hollered.

"Pacey, please," she pleaded quietly, her eyes starting to glisten. "D…don't make this harder."

"Make what harder, Joey?" he asked, his frustration boiling to the top. "Look at you, Jo. You're wasting away. Am I doing this to you? Are you having second thoughts about us?"

"NO!" she blurted out, sobbing now, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I..I..n…need you more than ever right now and it's scaring me to death."

For a moment, Pacey just stared at the stricken woman who he'd loved for the greater part of his life. He slowly walked toward her, foreboding replacing his anger. "What is it?" he whispered

She wiped at her eyes, sniffling, "I found a…a l…. lump."

His brow raised., her words not registering to him at first, then, "What?"

"In my breast," Joey explained hollowly. "You know, like my mom."

Pacey shut his eyes and shook his head, unwilling to believe it, "No, you're too young. You need to make an appointment…"

"Already have," she cut in softly. "The…They want to do a biopsy. This is just like my mom." she repeated brokenly.

His Stomach dropped like a lead weight. The ground beneath his feet seemed unsteady. This couldn't be happening to her. Joey didn't deserve this. All her life she'd fought to get ahead, to achieve success and happiness, and there was a battle to overcome at every turn. Now this? Pacey just couldn't comprehend it. But he would move heaven and earth to prevent her any further agony.

He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her back and resting his chin atop her head. "You're not your mom, Jo," he whispered achingly. "And whatever this is I'm not going anywhere."