Chapter Nine

Once again that night, Joey decided to set aside any decision-making for a later date. There was nothing like procrastinating and she'd gotten quite good at it. Nevertheless, Joey only wanted to enjoy the here and now of just being home in Capeside. Nothing wrong with that, she thought. Everyone sat around Doug and Jack's deck after a filling steak dinner. A quick summer storm brought about a cool ocean breeze, a breeze that made one think of newness and possibilities as the last rays of the sun disappeared.

"Well, looks like this little one is ready for bed," Grams stood from the table holding onto sleepy, heavy-lidded Amy.

Everybody gave the little girl a kiss goodnight and she whimpered as her grandmother carried her off to bed, hating to be departing from the party too soon. "That darlin's getting to be more and more like her mother every day," Pacey chuckled.

"She is," Jack smiled softly, then he laughed, "She's a cross between an angel and a holy terror running our lives twenty-four seven."

"But we wouldn't have it any other way, "Doug grinned reaching out next to him to rub Jack's shoulder. "We're actually thinking of getting a bigger house, so she has more room to run around, besides the beach, that is."

"Really?" Joey replied looking from Doug to Jack.

"You know," Jack shrugged, "we're just thinking about the future. You never can be too prepared, especially when you've got a kid."

"Who would've thought, "Pacey said, "that one day my uptight big bro, who was so worried about using coasters when he had rare company, would be raising a little human being. Wonders never cease."

"What about you, little brother?" Doug threw back.

"What about me?"

Joey sat quietly enjoying the interplay between the two brothers. They reminded her of her and Bessie to a degree. When Joey thought she had the upper hand, her sister would turn the conversation around or vice versa. When dealing with a sibling, you always had to be prepared to be hit give as good as you got.

"Having a little human being call you, Daddy."

Joey's smile slowly faded. Her eyes shot to Pacey. He quickly glanced toward her but then he gave a chuckle. "C'mon, man, I can't even rein our father who's almost sixty."

"But someday," Doug persisted.

A prickle went up her spine causing Joey to straighten up. Did she want this discussion to end? Did she want it to continue? She wanted to bolt and she wanted to hear what Pacey had to say. What did she want him to say?

They'd never talked about future parenthood. Granted, they hadn't even been back together an entire summer, but now that Doug so ungraciously broached the topic…What did Pacey want in their future? Joey wondered, tucking a piece of windblown hair behind her ear. Going by both of their turbulent childhoods in not so Family Ties households, it would be understandable if one or both of them were a little gun shy.

And that's not even putting into account her current predicament.

"Someday is such a broad term," Pacey lightly replied even as his eyes caught hers and held.

…

A few hours later Pacey walked into the dimly lit living room of the beach house and stared out at the surf. Grams had gone back to her place and Jack and Doug had already said their goodnights. Now the house vibrated with the kind of silence that made one's thoughts louder and more cumbersome.

Pacey had brushed off Deputy Doug's inquiry about future fatherhood because he didn't have an answer. Truth be told, he'd never thought about it in a tangible sense. The notion had always been far away to be brought out at a later date. Pacey Witter, former class clown and now restaurateur extraordinaire, didn't know if being a daddy would be one of his life achievements.

Honestly, he didn't know much of anything about the future at that particular moment. During his chat with Mike Potter this afternoon, the answer seemed simple and clear, but Joey's quiet demeanor that evening made it seem anything but that.

His grand romantic gesture may not be the ideal way to put Joey's mind at ease. It could quite possibly be what sends her running not only from him, but from herself once and for all.

Damn, Pacey sighed leaning his arm against the window. All he wanted was for Joey to finally open up to him. He wanted her to confide in him about what she was feeling. He wanted to be part of her decision to have the preventive mastectomy or not have the preventive mastectomy. At the same time, though, Pacey didn't want to burden her with his opinion. It was her body after all, even though both of their lives seemed to hang in the balance of uncertainty.

"Penny for your thoughts."

Pacey turned around and smiled at Joey. "I was just thinking about things."

"Naturally," she smiled slightly as she sat down on the sofa. Were you thinking how much quieter this place is than being stuck with a bunch of circus clowns at the B&B? "Joey joked.

"Hey," he chuckled, "They could've helped me find my true calling in life."

Joey laughed, "Your 'true calling', huh? And that wouldn't be what Doug asked you about earlier?" she asked turning serious. "Is that what you've been mulling over as you absently stare out at the rocky waters?"

"A little bit," he dropped his head and then took a seat beside her. "But I've been wondering more about you and what you've been thinking lately."

"Pace," Joey sighed averting her eyes. A moment ticked by before she said, "I know I've been a tad closed off, but I just need a little more time to figure everything out."

"And you don't want me to help you do that," he replied softly. He was probably unlocking a gate that he would regret, Pacey knew, but he couldn't stand by passively any longer. He needed to know.

She looked back at him with her eyebrows crinkled. "You know, that's not what I mean."

''Then, let me in, Jo, "

"I will."

"When? "Pacey asked. "When you go for that second opinion you aren't in any rush to get? Talk to me, Joey," he reached for her hand.

She pulled back and her voice became distant, "What do you want me to say, Pacey? Do you want to know that I'm scared of getting cancer no matter what I decide, that this decision, which they say is up to me, is only an ugly trick? Or maybe I should have you decide for me? What do you want me to do, Pacey?"

Maybe he was the worst man on the face of the earth, but he welcomed her anger. He shook his head. "Joey, I'm not…"

"No," she protested standing up and facing him, "tell me, tell me, I want to know what you think is best for me."

"Jo…"

"Please, Pacey, just tell me," she pleaded softly.

He took in a heavy breath and replied, "I-I think surgery is the better option."

Joey nodded a few times as if she already expected that response. Tears glistened in her eyes but she held them from back "W-well, I'm glad that you finally said it, "she said simply.

"I don't want to put any pressure on you, Jo. We can discuss this," Pacey replied getting to his feet.

"Right, right," Joey said dubiously wiping at her eyes. "You know what? It's late. We really need some sleep if we're going back home in the morning." With that, she turned her back and walked away.

Leaving Pacey alone in the dark yet again.

…

"You can say, 'I told you so'," Joey said to Bessie the next morning. She went over to the B&B while Pacey made a quick run to the Icehouse before they left the Cape. Thanks to her brilliant overreaction to his concern and input, there was now a void between them that she hadn't felt since high school. When Pacey had come to bed, he'd apologized, and although she'd said that he didn't need to, she promptly turned her back to him, shutting him out a second time in one evening.

Oh, who was she kidding? She shut him out for weeks ever since that day in Dr. Gardener's office.

Joey sighed. She was her own worst enemy, she realized. Her frustration wasn't truly toward Pacey. She was mad at herself and just fate in general. Of course, Pacey wanted her to be proactive and have the surgery. She just wasn't ready to hear him say it even though she sort of forced it out of him. Now it seemed all the more real and she couldn't hide from it another day.

"I'm not going to say that, Joey," Bessie replied handing her sister another plate from the dishwasher "I know how Pacey feels. But to him, it's probably a bit worse. He's sharing his life with you, Jo. You need to fix it."

"How?" she asked, opening the upper cabinet, "By agreeing to be put under the knife tomorrow?"

Bessie rolled her eyes, "C'mon, we both know that's not what Pacey wants. It may be what I want, "she smirked, "but not him."

Joey dropped her eyes, knowing that her sister spoke the truth. "He said as much last night."

"So?"

"So, what if whatever I do isn't enough for us to be happy?"

"You just have to believe it will be."

…

"H-hey, man," Dawson's steps slowed as he walked out and spotted Pacey sitting on the Leery porch. "Were you planning on knocking, Pace?"

Pacey chuckled and stood. "I got hit by a bad case of nostalgia, I guess you can say." He wasn't sure what brought him to Dawson's door, but here he was at the house that held many happy memories and just as many painful regrets. Did he think his childhood best friend could help him? And with the intricate workings of the mind of one Josephine Potter, of all things? Was he truly this desperate?

The other man laughed, "I know how that goes…I make my living on that same nostalgia…Uh, how's your dad? Joey said that you fired him."

"Oh, the former sheriff," Pacey replied, "and I worked things out. Joey and me, on the other hand…." he sighed.

Dawson's forehead creased, "What happened?"

Was that genuine concern he heard in his once romantic rival's voice? Pacey wondered. Hell, some things could change for the better. "The question should be what hasn't happened?" he said, gesturing with his hands. "I don't know, Dawson. I just don't know," he paused for a beat, then said, "You know, when we agonized over whether or not Joey had cancer, I never felt so powerless, but now it's even worse knowing that the possibility is there, forever suspended in the air, mocking us." His throat constricted as he continued, "I mean, I thought giving her time was the answer, but it just brought endless wondering what she was thinking. Last night I couldn't take it anymore, so I asked Joey, but she's further away now than before." Pacey sighed, taking a seat again.

"God, Pacey," Dawson replied sitting down across from him, ' I knew Joey was …I mean, I didn't know," he fell silent, then tried again, "Listen, man, I cannot pretend that I know what you two are going through, but I do know that Joey needs you!"

"Yeah, yeah," Pacey nodded, "but does she want to need me? I'm not so sure."

"Joey was at your wall yesterday," Dawson admitted. "Why do you think that is, Pace?"

Pacey smiled wistfully, his eyes brightened a bit.

"You challenge her, she told me that. You know she may be afraid, but she wants your perceptive guidance."

Dawson wasn't telling him anything that he didn't already know, Pacey knew, but it was nice to be reminded, particularly when it came from the guy whom he'd least suspect would be doing the reminding. "You're quite perceptive, too, my friend," he chuckled then somberly stated, "Thanks."

"Anytime," Dawson smiled. "It actually feels good to be on the opposite side of giving advice."

"What do you mean?"

"In the confused years of adolescence, everyone tried to help me with a confidence renaissance whether it was about my lousy films or romantic woes or simply my idealistic notions that crashed and burned."

"Hey, don't knock The Sea Creature from the Deep. It was some of your best work, man," Pacey joked before saying, "Seriously, though, Dawson, it wasn't always like that."

His friend shrugged, "When you try to rewrite your history every week, you tend to learn from your mistakes."

Pacey sighed.

When he left the Leery porch, for the first time in a long time, Pacey felt a kinship with Dawson. He certainly wanted to avoid making past mistakes, but could he?

…..

Joey walked out of the bedroom after putting their overnight bags on the bed. They had a quiet trip back to the city. All the way, though, she felt the tension in the air making the already suffocating summer humidity all the more unbearable. For two people who'd made witty repartee into their own highly charged art form, they could make small talk into the most awkward thing possible. How much longer could they go on ignoring their issues, well actually her issues?

"Do you want to order-" Joey began to ask and then stopped in the threshold of the living room.

From the sofa, Pacey gazed up at her after slipping back on his shoes.

"You're going out?" Joey asked raising a brow.

"Scully called," he sighed standing up. "He needs me to come in for the dinner crowd and after I left him in the lurch by rushing out of town, I owe the guy. "

In other words, Joey thought, he was giving her space. Or maybe he just wanted space from her. Her stomach twisted. Old patterns never die.

Pacey walked to her. "I'll only be a few hours," he said, his lips pressing against her forehead

She closed her eyes comforted by his familiar touch.

But just for a second.

Then, it was gone.

He started to turn around.

"Pacey," Joey uttered faintly, grabbing his hand, "wait."

His questioning eyes met hers.

"I don't want it to be like this, Pacey,"

"Jo, you-"

Joey shook her head, "Let me say this, Pacey."

He remained silent.

"You were right, okay? You were right," she admitted, glancing down and then back at him. "A mastectomy's probably the best choice," she sighed.

"Joey," Pacey shook his head, "You don't have to do this."

"It's not because of you," she countered. "It's the logical choice. I know that. I guess, I wasn't ready to acknowledge it. Part of me still wants to bury my head in the sand, but there you have it."

He nodded, his eyes holding hers, "Jo, I understand that. Okay, maybe not exactly what you're feeling, because only you can, but I want you to tell me your frustrations and doubts. Isn't that what you wanted from me all those years ago?"

He did have a point, Joey knew. Pacey kept all his insecurities bottled up until they boiled over at senior prom. She'd desperately wanted for them to avoid that type of mistake this time around, but instead she'd been driving straight on into another collision "Pacey, I'm so sorry, I took it out on you…You don't deserve it." Joey replied.

He gave a small smile and asked gently, "So what now, Jo?"

"I don't know, honestly," she exhaled, "I know what the right thing to do is, but I'm not ready to leap into surgery just yet. " Her eyes lowered as she added, "But I know that's not fair to you."

"Fair to me?" Pacey echoed, "This isn't about me."

"How can you say that, Pacey?" Joey responded, remembering what Doug asked him last night. "It's only natural to want to imagine the future a certain way, to want things. I want them, too, but I can't dare to imagine them right now," she confessed. "All I know for an absolute certainty is that I want you by my side," she shook her head, "and maybe that's selfish of me."

Pacey smiled, putting his hand on her hips and pulling her close, his gaze locking with hers, "If that's the definition of selfish, Jo, then so am I. You are enough for me, more than enough. I'm with you, no matter what happens. Don't you get that yet?"

Her lips tugged up slightly, "It's taking a while to sink in, I guess."

He chuckled as his lips descended upon hers.

Joey let herself become lost in him, hoping that this would remain enough, at least for now.

…

"Tell me again why we agreed to this double date?" Joey asked Pacey as they walked toward Scully's restaurant. In the past month or so, a few things had changed along with the rollercoaster of steamy and unusual cool temperatures that ushered in August. For starters, they finally sought out a second opinion that made Joey more at ease with what she eventually needed to do. She hadn't set a date for the operation, but the notion didn't seem as daunting anymore. It was just something that she needed to do like going to work or going to get your teeth cleaned.

Okay, so maybe removing your breast tissue was a bit more convoluted than teeth cleaning, Joey amended to herself, but the point was that the idea didn't make her want to scurry off in the opposite direction. There were days, however, where her fifteen-year-old self-reared her insecure head, making her wonder if after everything is said and done, would she have a better outlook about herself and the future?

The future which included a life with Pacey.

He'd said that he just wanted her to let him in, Joey knew, but those vexing doubts would not completely vanish. Would he always be content with her slow as molasses contemplation? Pacey had always been a take-action-first-and-think-later type of guy. God, he moved to New York for her without a second thought. And here she was, still struggling with how to prolong her own life and the fear that comes with it.

"Well," Pacey replied, breaking into her reverie, "I have to work with Drue and I really don't want to hear him gripe about another relationship gone wrong because of our neglect." According to Drue, his girlfriend of last month, Kathy, dumped him due to his lack of verbal restraint and his mother issues. Somehow the blame was put squarely on Pacey and Joey for not following through with a double-date and being the appointed Dear Abby in saving his relationship. Therefore, Drue, in his own Drue-like way, persuaded them to meet his new main squeeze this evening. Joey had to admit, however, that Drue wasn't the same crude jackass from Capeside High. The few times she'd come to visit Pacey at the restaurant Drue actually seemed like a matured individual, give or take a few wisecracking one-liners.

"And how did we become the paradigm of a successful relationship?" Joey inquired, stepping under the green awning of Scully's. The four of them had agreed to stop here for drinks before checking out a new hot spot that just opened a few blocks away. Joey had an inkling, though, that Pacey just wanted to check in on Scully. He'd taken quite a liking to the older man and after she'd met him, Joey could see why. Scully reminded her of a buoyant grandfather who always either embarrassed you at Christmas dinner or brought some life to the party. In other words, she saw a man who wasn't ashamed of being who he was and didn't care what anybody thought.

Pacey stepped beside her. "I'd say we're perfect in our imperfections," he whispered into her ear before opening the entrance door.

She rolled her eyes and smiled walking past him into the establishment. As soon as they were inside, Scully rushed over to greet them.

"Oh, Josephine, you look lovely this evening," the man smiled, "and so do you, Pacey…. A lovely couple."

Pacey chuckled almost self-consciously, "Has Drue arrived yet?"

Scully nodded as his eyes went over to the bar, "The poor fool looks bored out of his mind with that young lady."

Joey turned her head and saw Drue with a wearied look sitting beside an angry, pretty redhead. Oh boy, here they go again, Joey thought, raising her brow at Pacey.

"Don't give me that look," he replied, "I never said tonight would be smooth sailing."

Drue's eyes lit up when they came forward and he jumped off the stool. "There you guys are," he smiled tightly. "This is Cheryl…"

The woman cut him off and replied, "Sorry to interrupt the pleasantries, but since you're such good friends with Drue, maybe you can tell me if he makes a habit of texting ex-girlfriends while he's on a date with a new one."

"I told you that it was nothing," Drue countered, not very convincingly.

"Whatever," Cheryl said, "I'm through with childish games. I'm going to the ladies' room and then I'm leaving."

After Cheryl stormed off, Joey stared down Drue. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Don't be all judgmental on me, okay?" he responded. "Kathy texted me and asked if we could meet tomorrow and talk things out. What was I supposed to do?"

"Uh," Pacey replied, "here's a suggestion, don't make plans while on another date and definitely do not lie to the woman's face."

Joey nodded, "It's rather simple, polite etiquette."

Yeah, okay," Drue agreed, "I made a mistake, but I can't very well apologize in the women's washroom."

"I'll go try to do damage control this time," Joey offered already heading off. She wasn't really sure what she was doing, but she wanted to see if any wounds could be averted. When Joey walked into the restroom, Cheryl was already closing her handbag.

"Some night, huh?" Joey smiled apprehensively as she moved closer to the vanity. "You can always count on Drue Valentine to keep things exciting, to say the least."

The other woman turned and sighed, "I knew what I was getting into. When we met, I knew that he was on the rebound. I wasn't looking for a commitment, but I wanted a little…"

"Respect," Joey supplied.

Cheryl nodded, "That wouldn't have hurt, but hey, you can't have everything," she shrugged, "not every guy shows his undying love on a wall."

"Well," Joey began and then froze, "wait, what?"

"There's a sign on the side of this building," Cheryl smiled with a sudden meaningful expression. "You should go check it out." With that, she backed away and left.

Go check out what? Joey wondered. A sign? A wall? Who would do such a thing? You are enough for me, more than enough. I'm with you, no matter what happens. Don't you get that yet? Pacey's voice reverberated in her head. No, he wouldn't, she shook her head, but she started walking slowly. His words carried on: It means that you were right. That me leaving would mean I'm giving up on you. And I'm not quite prepared to do that yet. But it also means that I need to know that you're not quite prepared to give up on me yet either.

Her shaky legs stepped out of the backdoor into the sunset's peach haze.

And around the corner

Her gaze lifted to the brick wall.

PLEASE SAY YES!

"Took you long enough," his smiling voice came from behind her.

Joey jumped and turned.

Pacey chuckled and then said, "Sorry, you're probably wondering what the hell this reminiscent gesture is."

"You planned this?" she breathed, looking back at the wall and then again at him, trying to find the ground under her feet. "Drue? Cheryl?"

He nodded with a boyish grin, "I wanted to throw you off course with that little charade of a double-date disaster, also redolent of days gone by."

'Why?"

Pacey sobered, his piercing eyes never leaving hers, "Because I'm about to ask you this important question, the most important question that one could ask."

"Pace"

He held up his hand, "I know what you're thinking, Jo, but I'm not doing this to push you or tell you how I see our life together " He closed the distance between them, his voice revealing quiet purpose as his hand caressed her cheek, "I love you. I just love you, Jo. That fact won't change. It won't be wavered or deterred until my last breath. It's one assurance that you can always count on. It's a guarantee that has always been with you even when we were apart."

With a tear blurred gaze, Joey looked down at a demure diamond ring in his hand.

"Will you marry me, Miss Josephine Potter?"

"Yes!" Joey blurted out, smiling between sobs. She was tired of questioning and doubting, of contemplation and analysis. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders, kissing him and repeating quietly, "Yes. I love you. Pace."

That was one guarantee that she knew without a shadow of a doubt.

The only guarantee that really mattered.