(A\N: This is my favorite chapter so far. I really hope you guys like it. Please review and tell me what you think. I would really appreciate it. Thanks :)

Disclaimer: When I rule the world I will make sure Teen Titans is mine. Unfortunately it doesn't look like that's going to be happening anytime soon. Darn :(

Lost Without You

Chapter 5 The Truth

I stared at the leather bound book in my hands. Beast Boy's journal. This was it. This held the answers that I was looking for. My heart thudded. I was scared to learn what really happened. But I needed to know.

Holding my breath, I began to read. Right off the bat I could tell that for some unknown reason Beast Boy had a different side to him; an intellectual side. I was impressed by how articulate he was. He noted in a lot of his entries how he had the strong desire to prove himself. I smiled as I finished reading the last sentence in an entry he wrote last year.

The adventure with Raven in her mind has given me insight on my feelings. I think that I might be in love with her.

Before I could read another entry, the pages flipped fast. My violet hair blew because of the small draft of air it caused. This was not normal. After all, I had all the windows closed. My heart pounded when I felt Beast Boy's presence in the room. He was here to show me the answer. The pages stopped flipping abruptly. I immediately focused my eyes at the top of the page and began to read.

October 29

For the first time in my life I am consumed with emotions. The worst part is, they're not good emotions. I feel extremely hurt and utterly confused. It all started yesterday morning, the day after the antidote ran its course through my system.

At first I thought my friends were just getting used to me being my old self. Now I know that the others are still scared of me because of the Beast within me. Even worse, they possibly hate me.

First it was Starfire. I thought she forgave me for everything I had done in beast form. However, every time I speak to her she winces as if I was a cockroach she had found. The worst part of all is, she lied to my face. I asked if she wanted help cooking and she declined. Then she allowed Robin to help her. It hurt, really hurt.

This morning I had hoped that everything between Star and I would be back to normal. Unfortunately that's not the case. When I passed by her and Robin during lunch she gave me a terrified look. It hurts just thinking about it. She's not the only one who has changed.

Then there's Robin's changed attitude towards me. Ever since I met him, I admired him for being so strong and brave, even without powers. I knew he never really liked me for some reason. Now whenever I see him he glares at me with such mistrust. I feel small and weak. I think he hates me now.

Raven seems to be the only one who treats me the same. She holds me at arms' length like she always does. I guess that I just need to stay away from her so that I won't be a bother to her anymore.

The last part of this entry is going to be the hardest to write, but I have to. Otherwise I won't be able to sleep tonight. This afternoon I learned that I have lost my best friend. He doesn't care about me anymore.

I only wanted to talk to Cyborg, confide in him. I tried so hard to get him to listen to me, to be there for me. Instead I ended up ruining our friendship by messing up. God, why do I always mess up? I guess Cyborg is right: I can't do anything right. I know he'll never forgive me now since I got orange paint all over his car. I can't write anymore. I think I'm going to be sick again.

My eyes grew wide as I finished the entry. Orange paint? I suddenly understood the meaning of the dream I had the other night. Since I was sleeping in Beast Boy's bed I was dreaming about his memories. My stomach tightened. By reading his words I could feel the emotions he felt. If only I knew before.

Silently I continued to read as Beast Boy's entries become darker as the days passed by. He wrote about how he avoided us as much as possible . Instead of feeling better I knew that he felt worse. The only time I smiled was when he talked about how much I meant to him. I felt my heart begin to break as I read the entry on November 3rd-almost two months ago. I noticed that the pages were softer than usual. The entry was blotted with what looked like tear stains.

November 3

My life has turned for the worst. I have learned today that things will never get better. My teammates will never treat me the same again. I've lost everything: my friends, my dignity, my potential. If only I could turn back the clock.

We had a big battle with Slade this morning. I was determined to prove my worth. Robin had given me a special job to do during the mission. I knew that I couldn't let him down. As always, I completely screwed up.

I got distracted when I shouldn't have and got stabbed by one of Slade's henchmen. Slade got away and it was all my fault. I failed my friends and the citizens of Jump City. I had never felt so ashamed and humiliated in my life.

The reaction from my teammates was horrible. I had so many insults thrown at me it was unbelievable. All from people that I thought I could trust with anything. Each insult tore a piece of my soul. Everything they said was true though.

Once the team left me to bleed on the street I did some serious thinking. It's quite obvious that the team doesn't want me around anymore. No matter where I go, I'll never forget the awful things they said to me. I don't want to live.

My mind is made up. I'm going to end my life so that everyone will be rid of someone as worthless as I. First I have to put my soul at ease. I have to say goodbye to my teammates. Especially Raven. She has to know the truth about my feelings for her, even though she thinks I'm a jerk. I plan for my death to be in the next few days. I can't wait.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I had no idea that he took my words of frustration to heart. I didn't mean what I said that day. I had no idea how fragile he was. I turned the page of the journal with a shaky hand. This time, the entry was covered in dark bloodstains. It was almost difficult to read. I suddenly remembered the deep cut on Beast Boy's arm.

November 4

I'm sorry that this entry is getting covered with blood. To be honest, I don't feel my arm bleeding at all. My head is spinning. So much for trying to ease my troubling thoughts.

Starfire hates me now, I'm sure of it. It's probably because of the battle yesterday. She did call me useless, after all. I told her my final joke today. She pretended to be a friend and enjoy it, but I could tell in her eyes that wanted nothing to do with me. I wish with all my might that this was just a dream. If it was then I could wake up and everything would be back to normal. She was a good friend. I'm going to miss her.

November 5

The tower is quiet. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. Nobody is here to put me down. On the other hand, I feel more alone than ever. I honestly don't know myself anymore. I am so messed up.

I begged, pleaded with Robin to let me train with the others, but he said no. He was right to. I'm too worthless, like he said. I'd just screw up again. I wonder how I managed to stay on the team this long. I hate myself.

Raven knows that something's wrong. I don't have the strength to tell her. She sat beside me briefly in the gym after I talked to Robin. She touched my face and hands with such great care. Her touch made me feel so good for a brief moment. I bet she thinks I'm sick. She's probably glad so that I won't bother her. Her touch kept me from jumping ahead of schedule.

I stole the gun from the evidence room while the others were on a mission. My death will hopefully be quick and painless. Only a couple of days left.

My body continued to shake as the multitude of emotions were desperately trying to come out. I was so close to losing control. I had never been so angry. 'Azarath Metrion Zinthos!'

November 6

It's almost time. I am getting anxious. I almost didn't wait. I received another harsh blow from someone who used to be my best friend. Only the thought of saying goodbye to Raven stopped me.

This afternoon, I caught Cyborg dumping my tofu down the sink. All of it. It was so devastating to watch. I had no idea that I meant so little to him. I thought we were friends; best friends. I was very wrong. Cyborg was right. I am stupid. I'm stupid enough to believe that I deserve to have friends.

I wish I had the courage to ask my teammates what I did wrong and how I could fix it. I am too broken down. Soon I'll be with my parents in the after life. I've missed them for so long. The person on this earth that I will miss this most is Raven. She's the only one I ever truly loved.

I must get some sleep. My final entry will be in a few hours. Until then, take care, my friend.

The last entry in Beast Boy's journal contained only one sentence.

Forgive me, Raven.

THUMP!

As I closed the journal with a snap, I hear a large thumping sound. It sounded like the television in the living room hit the floor or something. It was probably because of my emotions. I was too pissed to care. I hated them; all of them. I could feel my control slipping as Rage started to consume me. Slade was right. It wasn't just my fault that Beast Boy was dead. The others were the cause too, even more so. I hated myself the most for being so blind.

The door to my room opened. "Raven, what happened?" Robin asked in concern.

My head snapped up. I saw Robin, Cyborg, and Starfire standing by the door with concern on their faces. As I looked at my former friends, I lost all control as my dominant emotion at the moment took over: Rage.

Rage

I grinned evilly as I took total control of Raven's body. In my own way, I loved Beast Boy more than anything. His turmoil and memories were too much for me to bear. It was time for me to teach the others a lesson. It was time for them to pay! I rose higher than my usual height. I glared down at my teammates with my four red eyes. "HOW DARE YOU! ALL OF YOU!"

Starfire ran into Robin's arms, shaking violently. Robin and Cyborg stared at me in horror. "Raven! Calm down!" Robin gasped.

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT BEAST BOY IS DEAD! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT HE TOOK HIS OWN LIFE! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT I LOST THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE!"

The three Titans started shaking violently. "N-no!" Cyborg stammered. "We didn't kill him."

"LIAR!" I screamed. I pointed an angry finger at an extremely terrified Starfire. "YOU CALLED HIM USELESS! YOU PRETENDED TO BE HIS FRIEND WHEN HE DESPERATELY NEEDED ONE. HE SAW RIGHT THROUGH YOU! HE KNEW YOU WERE TERRIFIED OF HIM! YOUR ACTIONS HURT HIM DEEP INSIDE! HE MUTILATED HIMSELF BECAUSE OF YOU!"

Starfire burst into tears and buried her head into Robin's shoulder. Robin glared at me, but I didn't care. I moved to the next person. Cyborg, who was trembling so hard that his metal parts rattled.

"YOU! YOU CALLED HIM STUPID! HE MADE ONE MISTAKE AND YOU LASHED OUT! YOU BROKE DOWN HIS CONFIDENCE! YOU MADE HIM LOSE TRUST IN EVERYONE AND HIMSELF! WORST OF ALL, WHEN YOU DUMPED HIS TOFU, YOU SHATTERED HIM! HE LOOKED UP TO YOU, LOVED YOU AS A BEST FRIEND! YOU SHATTERED HIM!"

As I ranted, black tentacles surround each of my so called friends and squeezed them tight. Cyborg's face lost color as his eyes went wide, either from the tentacles or what I just said. I snarled at him and turned my attention to the person who was the main cause of Beast Boy's suicide: Robin. I glared furiously into his masked face.

"AND YOU! YOU ARE THE WORST OF THEM ALL! ALL THE TIMES YOU PUT HIM DOWN AND TREATED HIM LIKE HE WAS NOTHING RUINED HIS SELF ESTEEM! HE ADMIRED YOU, RESPECTED YOU! IT WAS YOUR HARSH WORDS THAT PUSHED HIM OVER THE EDGE! DESPAIR HIT HIM SO HARD BECAUSE YOU CALLED HIM WORTHLESS AND PATHETIC! YOU HUMILIATED HIM, DESTROYED HIM! YOU TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!" I glared down at them. All three of them were turning a light blue. "ANY OF YOU!"

I was about to finish them off when Raven started taking control again. I breathed heavily as I released my grip on the Titans. My eyes changed from four to two, and I shrank in size. At least I was able to say all I needed to say. I stalked back to my domain in Nevermore as Raven took full control again.