A/N: My kitchen cabinets are fixed, but the bathroom is still a mess of broken tile and random pipes squirting water. Home improvement sucks.
6.
"Gather round," Rose said, clapping her hands gently.
"You remember Mrs. Cope, our kindergarten teacher?" muttered Alice, leaning towards Bella covertly and pretending to remove a piece of lint from her hair.
"Get Rose a hairnet, and it's like we're five again," whispered Bella.
"We need braids and dungarees," added Alice.
"It could be our Halloween costume," Bella mused straight-faced, completely ignoring the mysterious choking sounds at her side.
"We'd be her accessories?" sniggered Alice. "Kids on the side?"
"Absolutely. We'd have to be slutty, though. Halloween and all, ya know," mused Bella, taking half a step back to lean against the wall. It didn't hurt that her move forced Mike to shuffle ahead and partially hide her from Rose.
"How do we slut up dungarees?" Alice didn't sound convinced.
"No shirts?" Bella suggested.
"No bras."
"No…"
"No talking, kids," Rose chided. "I've got something important to share with you today."
Bella and Alice grinned back unabashed.
"First of all, I'd like to welcome back the newlyweds, Mike and Eric. Congratulations, guys!" Rose waited for the hoots and applause to die down, grinning when the men in question turned and bowed theatrically to their gathered colleagues.
"Thanks, Rosie," Mike cast a dazzling grin at the gathering, making more than one heart flutter. "Eric and I want to invite you guys for a celebration this Friday at the Lumber Yard Bar over on the White Centre strip. Anytime after 7, we'll be hanging there and we'd love if you could make it."
A chorus of yeas and a handful of regretful nays later, Rose stepped forward again.
"Right, now to more serious business…"
…
"So, what do you think?" Alice asked.
"About what… the party on Friday? Hell yeah! This series of health check-ups Rose wants to inflict on us? I dunno." Bella shrugged. "I mean, I get why she thinks it's a good idea. This business is pretty taxing and the kind of health risks we're exposed to aren't a joke, but I mean, look at us."
Alice looked her up and down critically. "Yeah, I'm looking. You're not conditioning properly. And you need a manicure sometime this century."
Bella raised an eyebrow. "Ahem. I was talking about how obviously fit and healthy the lot of us are. We have reasonable hours, Rose is all up our business making sure we don't get high off hairspray and acetone." Alice cracked up, and Bella paused to grin back. "Yeah ok, I'm glad she does. I know all about those studies about how these things have been linked to all kinds of disease. It's just, she already does enough, don't you think? It feels a bit unnecessary, is all."
"Hey, you know how Mother Rose gets. It's kind of cute, actually. I'll take her over Bad Bitch Rose any day."
"Yeah, I agree." Bella glanced back at her list of appointments with a frown.
"What?"
"This guy," she pointed. "He's been here before."
"So?"
"So, he asked me out. Multiple times."
"Ooh, you have an admirer!" Alice nearly squealed. "What's he like? Is he cute? Is he all metrosexual? Oh wait, is this the magic dick guy?"
"Magic dick guy didn't ask me out, remember?" Bella shook her head. "This guy came in about four months ago, got a facial or something. Then he came back to get his chest waxed, the next time he got a manzillion, and before you ask, yes, he had a big dick and was totally proud of it. A bit too proud, if you ask me. Bit of a turn off."
"Oh," said Alice, sounding rather deflated. "Is that why you turned him down?"
"Ah, actually, I didn't." Bella didn't look up from where she was very carefully stacking a tower of hand towels for easy access.
"Wait a minute. You went out with someone you met at work. Someone's whose dick you handled. And. You. Didn't. Tell. Me," Alice punctuated each word with a pointy-fingered jab. "Bella, we're supposed to tell each other this kind of stuff!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Bella begged, half laughing at Alice's ferocity. "It was just last week. You were so disappointed with that ten-inch dick you went out with. It didn't seem like the right time to tell you I'd agreed to go out with a nine-incher."
"Hmm, so how'd it go, anyway?"
"I'm not sure," Bella shrugged. "It was ok, I guess. We met up for drinks after work last Thursday, and it was alright. He's cute enough, but I wasn't feeling it. Maybe because he thinks it's perfectly cool to bring his dick into a conversation like it's a separate entity. I mean, I said, hello Jacob, how're you doing? He goes, 'I'm good, and little big here is more than fine now that you're here'," Bella pantomimed with gusto.
Alice laughed long and loud. "You're kidding. And I thought my date was obnoxious!"
"I shut him down, but I should never have gone out with him at all," Bella shook her head in regret. "It's like, once you've seen their dick, there's just no need to put in an effort to be civilized or you know, talk about anything but the glory of their flipping penis."
"The Flipping Penis," intoned Alice seriously, "should be the name of a naked pancake place."
"Eww, gross!" Bella exclaimed. "No way. You will henceforth not get any say in naming hypothetical naked pancake places."
"What'd you call it, then?" she challenged.
"Flappin' Flapjacks," Bella responded. "Waffle and Weiner. Cocks and Cakes."
"Those are so much worse than mine!" Alice protested.
"Bare-assed Hotcakes."
"Nah, just give up," Alice said backing away towards the door. "You're worse than me."
"Strip 'n' snack!" Bella called out as Alice quickly ran out. She giggled at the thought of how weird an outsider would find their conversations, but found she didn't really care. Besides, she had bigger problems at hand… nine inches too big.
The fact that this guy had the balls to come back and ask for her to wax his balls was really rubbing her the wrong way. Despite his ridiculous cock fixation, he hadn't struck her as particularly skeevy… just really, really, dick-dumb. After that night, she had thought he'd stay away.
Mike popped his head into the room. "Hey Bee, how busy are you today?"
Bella's eyes widened and she waved him in happily. "Mike, you're just the guy I need right now!"
"Ok, that's not something I often hear from a girl," he joked, walking in.
"Shut up, you're a hunk and you know it," Bella laughed, hugging him. "I need your help, please, kind sir."
"Sure thing, babyface," he tipped an imaginary hat at her, then flipped it off his head and onto an imaginary hat stand in the corner.
"Swap a client with me? I went out with this guy, and it wasn't the best decision."
"Uh oh, girl," Mike shook his head. "Have I taught you nothing? You don't sleep with clients! I know Alice doesn't listen to me, but you… I had such hopes for you!"
"I didn't sleep with him!" Bella protested. "Alice and I had been discussing dicks… as we do, you know," Mike nodded in agreement, and she continued, "and then she got asked out by this guy with a ten inch dick, so when this nine inch dude showed up, I said yeah, because I didn't want to miss out, or whatever. Oh stop giving me that judgy look! I know it was stupid, ok!"
"Ok, not judging," he soothed her. "Besides, I know all about making questionable dick decisions."
She giggled. "Yeah, you really do."
"Sassy," he approved. "Anyway, I've learnt it's no point having a long dong if you don't have the personality to match it. Guys like that are usually not the best or most giving lovers anyhow. A moderately hung dude who knows who he is and what he's doing is a much better bet. Self confidence and humility, that's the real deal, Bee."
"Good to know," she said, trying to hide the warm wave of color that swept over her face at the memory of one rugged man who looked like he'd know what to do with his hands… and other deceptively moderate appendages. "So, you'll take him?"
"Of course," he waved airily. "Now, you coming on Friday, or what?"
"Like you need to ask!" she scoffed. "Besides, you just saved me a ton of embarrassment. First round's on me."
"I'll hold you to that," he laughed.
…
"Friday nights are the best," moaned Alice, slurping the last of her mojito. "No stress about getting hungover tomorrow. Bring it on, bartender!"
Bella giggled, sipping at her pink raspberry cosmo. "Hang on, let me get that on video. I'll play it back for you tomorrow morning."
"Already done, Bee," laughed Mike. "Want another round? I'm going to order some more of those nachos and maybe a slider."
"Ooh, get me one of those mashed potato bars, please!" Alice said. "And yes to the top up."
Mike waved to one of servers, who responded with a brief nod and a smile. Bella set down her glass and stood. "I'll be right back, guys."
The vibe at the Lumber Yard bar was upbeat, yet the atmosphere was curiously relaxed. Bella looked around with cursory interest at the people she passed, seeing groups, couples of all orientations, as well as the odd solitary guy or girl chilling at the bar. After braving a blessedly short line at the restroom, Bella emerged ready to enjoy the rest of the night, and promptly tripped over thin air.
She squeezed her eyes shut and braced for impact.
"Oof!" a voice huffed near her ear, as warm, strong arms wrapped around her as they fell.
The next thing she knew, she was horizontal, tangled up with a warm, hard body. She opened her eyes cautiously and saw green eyes staring back at her.