9.
Alice was avoiding Bella.
This was not a completely unheard of phenomenon. In fact, something like this usually took place a couple of times every month, often after weekends spent making bad decisions. These bad decisions frequently included men, sex, and Alice having to extract herself from sticky situations. From time to time, Bella did the extracting, which made avoidance difficult.
This time was different.
Bella crouched behind the manicure chair, tracking her friend's movements like a hunter tracking its prey. Not by the blink of an eyelid did she give away her position. She was focused. She was determined. She would get all the answers!
Every. Dirty. Detail. Was. Hers.
Meanwhile, the unsuspecting friend traipsed closer and closer to the hunter's hideout, until with a mighty leap Bella sprang up and grabbed her arm in an unshakable grip of steel. Alice didn't stand a chance.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing, crazypants?" Alice demanded, flailing and trying unsuccessfully to bat off Bella's hands.
Bella growled and drooled a little.
"No, seriously. Have you been watching Secrets of the Serengeti again?" Alice demanded, resorting to yanking on Bella's hair, which yielded quick and effective results.
"Ow! Leave my hair alone, you… you avoider!"
"You tried to maul me two seconds ago, you savage. I think that's great cause to avoid you," Alice said, backing away a step or two… or three, before she turned and flat out ran.
"Oh no, you don't," Bella muttered, chasing and overtaking her. They scrambled and jostled and there may have been a little pinching and poking, but when the dust settled, Bella was victorious. Alice, her arms firmly held behind her back, was marched over to the nearest manicure chair and summarily shoved into it.
"That was unfair, and you know it! You can't always use your cop-kid expertise to defeat me," Alice grumbled, arms crossed across her chest.
"So don't avoid me like you have something to hide," Bella shot back. "Besides, you know you're usually faster than I am. So how about you tell me why you were running funny just now, huh?"
Alice pouted and glared.
"Oh dear," Bella said with mock contrition. "Sore, are we?"
"Oh shut up," Alice said, trying to hide her grin.
"You so are!" Bella pointed accusingly. "You took him home, and you guys didn't come up for air all weekend, did you?"
"And it was so worth it!" Alice crowed, eyes shining with mischief and memories of an epic marathon of carnal fun. "I finally found a guy who has all the right equipment and knows how to use it. I could barely believe he was real."
Bella grinned at her friend's exuberance. "Edward and I were sure you guys would be at each other's throats."
"Ha! Yeah, we might've been, but his lips kinda got in the way. Too yum to be passed up," Alice shrugged.
"Soo…"
Alice cocked a brow. "What?"
"You guys meeting up again?" Bella asked, leaning forward. "Going on a date? Hooking up? Do we have a plan here?"
Alice chewed her lip and looked a little pensive. "I don't know that there is a 'we' right now. Or you know, ever."
"Uh, what now? Didn't you just spend the weekend together? And I thought you said he was good."
"He is."
"Oh wait, is it about his dick? Because I'm thinking we really need to modify our views about that stuff."
"Nope, nothing lacking there. He's plenty well endowed," Alice said with a suggestive eyebrow waggle.
"And he knows what to do with it, you say," Bella continued.
"He does. He really does." Alice's eyes went unfocused for a moment. "I'm the best kind of sore, and damn it, I can live with walking funny."
Bella snorted. "So why haven't you made plans?" Her eyes widened. "Oh hang on just a minute. Is it him? Is he a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of guy?"
"Not that I know of, no," Alice muttered, playing with a lock of her hair. "And he insisted on getting my number."
Bella tilted her head and leveled Alice with a look.
"It's me, ok," Alice whined. "I don't know if I can do this!"
"Do what? You already did him, and seem to have enjoyed it."
"I've got too much happening?" Alice suggested. "I'm busy… no time for a new relationship!"
Bella yawned and pretended to pluck at non-existent dirt in her nails.
Alice huffed and frowned at her friend.
Bella grinned back and poked at Alice's arm. "Alright, just tell me one thing about him that you don't like. Are his eyes too close-set? Is he too pushy and controlling in bed? There must be something."
"No!" Alice exclaimed. "That's just the problem. I can't figure out a single thing about him that I don't like, Bella. How is that possible? His eyes are perfect. His voice is perfect. His words, and the feeling I get when I am around him… it's all too perfect!"
"So you think he's faking something?"
Alice paused in her flailing. "Well, I really can't imagine him faking anything. He's a good person. Really direct. We spoke a lot last night, in between all the sex. Obviously I don't know everything about him, but I really don't get the feeling that he's dishonest."
"Then why are we having this conversation?" Bella gestured around the room, as though at an invisible audience.
"Uh, hello, you were the one who forced me to talk," Alice pointed out, then groaned and put her head in her hands. "Ok fine, I know why you cornered me. But Jasper… Bella, even his dick is perfect! With Magic, you already know he's got a small cock."
"Ok, I'm not really keen on casting shade on Edward's dick, but go on."
"So, that's like an imperfection, right there. And you already know it, so now you can go ahead and get to know him and you won't be blindsided by it one fine day!"
"And Jasper's dick is not his imperfection, so you'll constantly be wondering what is, and then it'll suddenly appear?" Bella surmised. "That is such an odd stream of thought, by the way."
"Odd? You're odd. You're supposed to be my friend," Alice grumbled.
Bella patted her on the arm absently. "Hmmm, I do get why you'd like to find a flaw or two, though. Makes all the feelings easier to deal with, right?"
"Exactly," Alice nodded. "The power equation is completely out of whack right now. And he's a guy, not Thor, even though he kind of looks like a demigod." Her eyes went dreamy and unfocused for a moment.
Bella snickered. "And he's even got a hammer."
Alice looked at her and then they both pointed at their crotches with a synchronized "The hammer is my penis," before high-fiving.
"We should watch Doctor Horrible again," laughed Alice. "We should totally do that. Tonight. What d'you say?"
It was Bella's turn to look skittish. "I might be busy. How about Wednesday after work?"
Alice's eyebrow touched her hairline. "You're busy on a Monday night?"
Bella shrugged and grinned. "I hope so. I hope to get busy like nobody's business."
"Well then I hope you get blessed by the Spouting Penis Gods of Bhutan," Alice intoned with an upraised hand, as though blessing her.
"The spouting what?" Bella cackled. "Is that something you just made up? Because the people in Bhutan will probably get mad if they hear you."
"Oy, you should know better. There really is this… wait, let me show you." A couple of quick clicks, and she turned her phone towards Bella.
"Holy genital glorification, it's legit!" Bella muttered in disbelief, grabbing the phone and scanning through the article… from the NY Times, no less! "Phallic art… painted on homes for good luck and fertility… wooden phallus hung above doorways. Fuck, this is awesome! Did you see these pictures? Cocks with hairy balls, spouting cum… we should frame this shit."
"Now, now, it's not about sex," chided Alice, wagging a finger. "Read this bit here… 'if this force is harnessed properly, it will fuel productivity and creativity rather than wanton lust'. Think about that the next time you see an erection."
"I'm sorry, but I rather liked that bit about wanton lust. I could be creative about my wanton lust." Bella paused. "Doesn't that sound just like wontons, though? Like someone had a fetish for Chinese food."
"Hey, it could happen," Alice said, pocketing her phone. "Food always wins over sex."
"Yeah? What did you eat for dinner last night?"
Alice narrowed her eyes, and Bella burst out laughing. "Right, high protein diet, I get it."
"Laugh it up," Alice said, fighting her own grin. "But don't pretend you don't want to order off the same menu."
She strutted out of the room leaving Bella gaping at the lewd insinuation.
"Damn her for being right," she huffed, midway between annoyance and amusement.
A/N: I made up the 'Secrets of the Serengeti', but a later search revealed that there actually exists a documentary by that name. Also, the Hammer comment comes from 'Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog'. Look it up, it's got Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, Felicia Day, and it's really funny. Oh, and penis art does decorate the houses of a village in Bhutan. It's all very pretty, which tells you the artists (men) probably love the subject, right? Do you suppose they use their own dick as a model or do they make drawings of what they wish their penis looked like?