1983
Rayna couldn't believe the sun was shining on such a sad day. It had rained the day her father had come home and told her and Tandy their mom had died. It had rained every day since until the day of the funeral. It felt wrong. The whole world should be sad.
She heard the minister speaking but she wasn't paying attention to the words. She wanted to cry, but her father had told her to be brave, so she was trying. She slid her hand into Tandy's and her sister looked down at her, giving her a tiny smile as she squeezed her hand. She heard the beating of bird wings and looked up at the blue sky, squinting against the sun as she watched the flock of birds fly over the trees, as though they were taking her mom with them.
Her heart hurt. I miss Mom. She couldn't believe she'd never see her again. Her father had been cold and distant, ever since he'd sat them down and told them about the accident. His voice had been flat and emotionless and his eyes looked like the light had gone out of them. He'd mostly been shut up in his library ever since. When she had tried to approach him, he had told her to leave him alone, almost angrily.
She stared off into the distance, feeling like nothing would ever be the same again. She thought back to her mom leaving that night, and then never coming home. She sighed. She hadn't tried out for the solo in choir the next day, obviously. Without her mom to sing to, she wasn't sure it really mattered anymore anyway.
She stood with Tandy and her father until the cemetery workers had lowered the casket into the ground and then covered it with dirt. Her chest hurt, she wanted to cry so bad, but she didn't want to make her father angry, so she concentrated on her breathing, pushing her sorrow farther and farther down.
It was something she'd taught herself to keep from letting her emotions get the best of her. The girls at school teased her about her love of country music, something that always surprised her since it was all around them. She had learned, from her mom, that it was mainly tourists who loved country music. Nashville natives shunned it mostly, preferring to spend their time on the symphony and other more cultural pursuits. It's like we have to prove to the outside world that we're civilized and not backwoods, barefoot hooligans, her mom always said.
And then there were the boys. She had grown four inches in a year and was taller than some and the same height as many, but more distressingly, she had developed breasts and she hated how boys stared at them. Of course they also called her 'hillbilly carrot head' and that hurt too. Her mom had told her not to pay attention to them, that she would grow into her height and body soon enough, and that the day would come when other girls would covet her beautiful hair and her long legs. She also told Rayna that when she was a country music star one day, she'd have the last laugh.
She kept breathing in and out and slowly her chest stopped hurting and she felt more in control. She snuck a peek at her father. He still looked angry, his face hard and stiff, but she knew she'd seen a hint of sadness in his eyes, when he thought no one was looking. She reached for his hand then. He glanced down at her, his eyes like steel, and set his jaw, but she felt comforted by the fact that his hand closed around hers. She felt safe then.
They rode home in silence. Rayna sat in the backseat with her father and Tandy sat up front. Rayna stared out the side window as they drove along the quiet roads of Belle Meade. The car turned into the driveway and she couldn't help but think that now life had to go on. She would go back to school and things would be as they had always been. Except that her mom wouldn't be there anymore. When she came home from school, she wouldn't be waiting in the sitting room. There would be no more drives out to the river or for a girls' lunch on the weekend. She felt like crying again, so she breathed in.
When the car stopped, her father opened his door and walked swiftly up to the house, without a glance back. Rayna jumped out of her side and tried to follow him. "Daddy!" she called out, but as soon as she walked through the front door, her father firmly shut the door to his study and she knew he had also shut her out. She stood in the hall, staring at the door, feeling all alone.
She felt Tandy's arm around her shoulder then and looked up at her sister. "He just needs some time, I think," Tandy said, giving her sister a tired smile. "I know there's a ton of food in the kitchen. Let's go make a sandwich."
Rayna shrugged off Tandy's arm. "I'm really not hungry," she said, and then ran across the foyer and up the stairs. When she got to her room, she threw herself across her bed. She wanted to cry, but she was afraid if she started, she'd never stop. Now that everything was behind them, the funeral service, the burial, the three of them were going to have to go on without her. She wasn't even sure what that was going to look like, but it felt like the light had gone out in the house forever. Like there would be no laughter, no happiness, no music, ever again.
Rayna found her mom sitting in the back den, listening to music. "Hey, Mom," she said, tossing her backpack on one of the chairs.
Virginia looked up and smiled. "Hey there, sweet girl," she said. "How was your day?"
Rayna shrugged, coming around to sit on the couch next to her mother. "Okay."
Virginia pulled her close, resting her head on her daughter's and rubbing her arm. "Well, you're home now. Why don't you sing something for me? And play your guitar?"
Virginia had given her a guitar for her last birthday and arranged for lessons, but Rayna had felt incompetent on the instrument. The strings hurt her fingers and she struggled with anything more than the most basic chords. She sighed. "I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to play that guitar," she said.
"Oh, sweetie, it just takes time and practice." She took Rayna's chin in her fingers and smiled at her. "And if you're not that good, you can always find yourself a handsome guitar player to back you up."
That got a small smile from Rayna. "Well, that may be what I have to do. Or just play the piano."
"Will you sing for me though? I love to hear you sing, sweetie." Rayna smiled and nodded. Virginia inclined her head towards the door. "Run get the guitar. You know I don't care if you miss a few chords."
"Okay." Rayna jumped up and ran out of the room, across the foyer and up the stairs. When she got to her room, she picked up the guitar and hurried back down to the den. When she got back, her mom was sitting in one of the wingback chairs, waiting expectantly. Rayna sat on the couch and arranged the guitar on her lap. She tried a few chords, frowning at first, then figured out what she was looking for and started to haltingly play. She chose the song her mom loved the most, one she'd grown to love as well.
"I don't know why I keep on believing you need me / When you've proved so many times that it ain't true / And I can't find one good reason for staying / Maybe my leaving would be the best for you
But these rose colored glasses / That I'm looking through / Show only the beauty / 'Cause they hide all the truth…."
"Rayna?" Rayna lifted her head when she heard her name, realizing she'd been deep into her memories. She rolled over and sat up, looking at Tandy standing in the doorway. "You okay?" Tandy asked, looking concerned. Rayna couldn't hold it in anymore and started to cry. Tandy ran over and hopped on the bed, pulling her into a tight embrace, murmuring over her. "Ah, sweetie, it's okay," she whispered as she rocked Rayna back and forth.
Tandy came back with a damp washcloth and handed it to her sister. Rayna wiped her face and then took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice still thick with sorrow.
Tandy sat down on the bed. "Oh, Rayna, honey, it's okay," she said, reaching out to pat Rayna's knee. "Mom's only been gone a few days."
Rayna looked up at her. "How come you're not crying? You seem fine."
Tandy raised her eyebrows. "Oh, Rayna, I am very definitely not fine," she said. "You don't know it, but I save all my tears for when I'm in bed by myself and I cry myself to sleep at night." She crawled over the bed and settled in next to her sister, putting an arm around her. "I miss her too. I miss her so much it makes my stomach hurt."
Rayna looked over at her and saw tears glistening in the corners of Tandy's eyes. "It feels like we're all alone, Tandy," she said, a lump forming in her throat.
Tandy put her other arm around Rayna and pulled her closer. "We're not alone. We have each other." She pressed her lips against the hair on the top of Rayna's head. "You and me against the world," she said quietly.
1984
It had been hard, going back to school, trying to get back into a normal rhythm. Lamar was spending more time at the office and out of town, throwing himself back into work. Rayna imagined he was covering up his sorrow by staying busy. He still seemed to shut himself off from both her and Tandy, though, not coming home for dinner and staying closed up in his home office when he was at the house. She found him there late one night, when the door was open, and she walked in hesitantly.
"Daddy?" she said softly, coming up behind him.
He turned slightly to face her, setting down the tumbler of bourbon on the side table. His face was impassive and drawn, and it seemed there was no life in his eyes. "What are you doing up, Rayna?" he asked.
She stood there, her hands clasped in front of her. "I couldn't sleep," she said. She stepped a little closer.
He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again. It scared her a little, how cold his gaze was. "You shouldn't be up," he muttered. "You have school tomorrow."
She took a deep breath. "Could I stay home tomorrow? Everyone just stares at me at school."
He scowled then and she caught her breath. "No," he said angrily. "You're not going to hide away, do you understand? You need to just walk in with your head up. You're a Wyatt, Rayna. We don't show our emotions. We're strong and resilient." He sat up and she felt a little frightened, taking a step backwards. "I'm not going to coddle you like your mother did. You need to show how strong you are. You hear me?" His voice got a little louder towards the end.
She wanted to cry, but she did as he told her and she breathed in, trying to keep all those emotions inside. "Yes, sir," she whispered finally, and then she turned and hurried out of the room.
As the weeks and months went by, Rayna did as her father told her, and ignored the kids at school. Or tried to. Eventually they left her alone, finding new fodder for their teasing. She felt herself withdrawing from everyone and everything. Everything except music. She hadn't been to her guitar lessons since her mother died, a little afraid to bring it up to her father. So she practiced in her room, although she was still frustrated at how hard it was. She listened to her mother's vinyl records and the mix tapes she'd found in one of the cabinets out in the back den.
She found the tape her mother had played for her months earlier, the one she would beg her to play often. The song that had haunted her the first time she'd heard it was still one of her favorites. Wayfaring Stranger.
I am a poor wayfaring stranger / I'm traveling through this world of woe / Yet there's no sickness, toil, or danger / In that bright world to which I go
I'm going there to see my father / I'm going there no more to roam / I'm only going over Jordan / I'm only going over home
She'd played it over and over again until she had learned the words and now she tried putting some guitar chords to her vocals. She still wasn't happy with the guitar work, but she just sang a little louder.
"What song is that?" She stopped singing and turned towards the door, where Tandy stood.
Rayna breathed in. "Wayfaring Stranger." She set aside the guitar, then got up and walked over to the tape player, turning it off. She turned back to look at her sister. "It was Mom's," she said quietly.
Tandy raised her eyebrows. "You had it all this time?"
Rayna nodded her head. "I found a bunch of her tapes in the back den. I guess she kept them there, since Daddy never goes out there."
Tandy walked into the room and perched on the edge of Rayna's bed, smiling at her. "You have such a beautiful voice, Rayna," she said. She took a deep breath and then her eyes got sad. "I miss singing with Mom, you know?"
Rayna went to sit next to her sister, taking one of her hands. "I do too."
"Why did you stop taking guitar lessons?"
Rayna shrugged. "I think Daddy forgot."
Tandy smiled. "I'm going to take you then." She winked. "You'll need to be able to play the guitar on stage when you're a big star." She leaned in and peered into Rayna's eyes. "That's still your plan, right?"
"I don't know." Rayna shrugged and looked away.
Tandy reached out and put her index finger under Rayna's chin and turned her face towards her. "Oh, sweetie, you have to. Mom would want you to."
Rayna raised her eyebrows. "You think so?"
Tandy nodded. "I know so." She moved then to sit back against the pillows along Rayna's headboard. She waved her hand at her sister. "Sing for me," she said with a smile.
Rayna felt a thrill inside, glad to have the chance to sing for someone and not just alone. She reached for her guitar, more for support than for anything else, but managed to play a few chords as she sang.
Rollin' with the flow / Going where the lonely go / Anywhere the lights are low / Going where the lonely go
Making up things to do / Not running in all directions, trying to find you / I'm just rollin' with the flow / Going where the lonely go….
She had heard the argument. Her heart was breaking for them both. She knew her sister thought their father was just angry, lashing out at her with fury, but she knew different. He was in pain just like the rest of them, it was just that his pain was mixed with his broken heart and he didn't know how to respond with anything but anger.
Rayna was in her room, as she often was after school, practicing on her guitar and singing to accompany herself. Tandy had made good on her promise to take her sister for lessons and it had given her great satisfaction to see the joy it had brought to Rayna. Tandy knew Rayna was struggling – still – with their mom's death, even now, nearly a year later. She'd always thought it was their mom who'd held Rayna so close, trying to counterbalance the father-daughter bond Rayna had always had with Lamar. Tandy had watched the dynamic with a pragmatic eye, often feeling like their mom thought she was on the outside looking in.
Maybe she'd just missed it, that closeness between their mom and Rayna. She had certainly been caught up in high school things – cheerleading, debate team, student council – and she wasn't home to watch it. Seeing how devastated Rayna was after their mom's death, she had come to realize that it was a bond forged from necessity. Rayna was the one who was at home and she also shared that love of music. So Tandy had promised Rayna – and their mom – that she would make sure her little sister lived her dream.
But their father had come home early and she had heard him walk down the hall, his footsteps heavy and purposeful. "What in the hell are you doing, Rayna?" she heard him say, his voice loud and angry. She had jumped up from her bed, where she was doing homework, and had padded quickly and quietly to her own door, which was cracked slightly, and listened.
The music had stopped. "Practicing, Daddy," she heard Rayna say.
"I don't want to hear that hillbilly music in this house, young lady," he said.
"It's not hillbilly music, Daddy," Rayna cried. "It's country music! Johnny Cash and Loretta Lynn and Patsy Cline and John Conlee."
"It doesn't belong in this house, Rayna," he said firmly.
"Mom liked it." Rayna sounded stubborn then. "She listened to it all the time."
He didn't respond at first. "Should I take away those records you have?" he finally said, his voice low and dangerous sounding. "Because I will. At least your mother had the decency to keep it out of my hearing."
"Daddy, please," Rayna begged. Tandy decided he must have walked into the room then, because she heard Rayna cry out in alarm. "Don't take those, Daddy! They're all I have left!" She wondered if he'd made good on his threat to take the albums.
"I won't have you disobeying me, Rayna," he said sharply.
There was a moment of silence. "I don't care!" Tandy was surprised to hear Rayna speak out like she was. "That's the kind of music I like and I'll listen to it anyway. You can't stop me! Mom wouldn't tell me to stop!"
She waited and then she heard her father's footsteps and the door slam. She jumped back a little, so he wouldn't see her at the door. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes, feeling her heart racing. She didn't hear anything from Rayna's room, so after she heard the door to her father's room slam shut, she ventured out and down to her sister's room.
Rayna's door was open and she saw her sister sitting on her bed, her mouth in a firm line and her fists clenched on her thighs. She stepped in and Rayna looked up at her. "What did he take?" she asked.
Rayna's face collapsed then and tears started to roll down her cheeks. "My records. Mom's records," she said. "The ones she always listened to. The ones we listened to." She lowered her head and Tandy could see her shoulders shaking. She hurried over and sat down next to Rayna, putting her arm around her.
"He'll give them back, I'm sure," she said, trying to soothe her sister.
Rayna sat up and looked at her, her eyes flashing angrily. "I don't care," she said. "I'll just find another way." She breathed out. "I hate him."
"Oh, sweetie, no, he's Daddy," Tandy protested. "He's all we have now."
Rayna shook her head and then Tandy saw sadness in her sister's eyes. "I miss Mom," Rayna sobbed. "I miss her every day. She wouldn't let him do this to me. She knew how much music means to me." She swiped at the tears on her face. "Why did she have to leave us, Tandy? Why is she gone? I miss her so much."
Tandy breathed in and then she pulled her sister into an embrace. She decided she wouldn't tell Rayna what she'd found, the letters and journals Virginia Wyatt had left behind, detailing her unhappiness in her marriage and the love she'd found with a singer/songwriter and musician named Watty White. From what she could tell, their mom had carried on a years' long affair, finding solace in someone else's arms. It had made Tandy wonder about all the times she had left the house, at odd hours, or seemed almost giddy and breathless at times.
Once in a while she'd thought she'd detected a man's cologne on Virginia, only it hadn't been their father's. But she'd dismissed it as her imagination. Now she realized it probably hadn't been. She thought back to the day she'd found all those letters and journals. Although it had saddened her to learn of their mom's affair, it also explained so much. The arguments behind closed doors, the times Virginia seemed distant and withdrawn, the lack of family warmth, how withdrawn Lamar became. It all made sense.
As she held onto her sister, though, she knew she wouldn't tell her about their mom's secret life. If she was honest with herself, it had hurt – deeply – to learn of their mom's deception. It had changed things for her in certain ways. She understood Lamar's pain now, or believed she did. He'd known about the affair and he probably felt anger, hurt, and bitterness. There would never be any resolution for him, no way to fix things, and she realized the two of them were constant reminders of her.
She had gained some understanding, though, about Virginia's motivations. How unhappy she must have been. That much was obvious from what she'd written. She wondered who this Watty was, this man who'd clearly made their mother so happy. It made her sad to read about her longing for him and yet how torn she was about what that meant for her family, specifically her daughters. She felt conflicted too, realizing how hard it had been for her mom, but the impact it had had on her dad. And now she was gone and they were left with a damaged man, hurt to the core by his wife's actions.
She hugged Rayna a little tighter and promised to herself that she would always protect Rayna and protect her memories of their mother. She would shoulder that knowledge and keep it to herself. There was no need for Rayna to be disappointed too.