1987
Tandy walked into Rayna's room. Rayna was standing at her floor length mirror, looking at her reflection. Tandy put her hands on her sister's shoulders and smiled. "You look beautiful, Rayna," she said.
Rayna rolled her eyes. "I wish we didn't have to go to this," she said. It was the night of the annual Symphony Gala, something their mom had been passionate about for as long as the girls could remember. She turned to face her sister.
Tandy frowned. "But you've always loved this, sweetie," she said. "You love to dress up and go to the ball. Remember?" She tried smiling.
Rayna closed her eyes and shook her head. Then she sighed and looked back at Tandy. "Well, I don't anymore," she said. "Not when I have to do this but Daddy tells me I can't do my own music." She picked at a thread on the bodice of her dress. "It's just not fair, Tandy."
Tandy put her arm around Rayna's shoulders. "It's not like you're actually obeying Daddy," she said, lowering her voice.
Rayna looked at her, feeling dejected. "Maybe, but what's it getting me? I'm still doing these stupid open mics and nobody is listening." She turned back to the mirror and picked at her hair. She'd let her hair grow out and it was just brushing against the tops of her shoulders and was more wavy than curly these days. She pulled out one of the rhinestone studded hair combs and rearranged it in her hair.
"That's not true, Rayna," Tandy said. "There are lots of people who hear you."
Rayna turned to look at her and frowned. "I'm talking about people who can get me noticed, Tandy. Like record producers or label heads or even just someone who can get me regular gigs where I can actually make money."
"But I thought this was what you wanted."
Rayna threw up her hands and rolled her eyes. "To start," she said, feeling exasperated. "I don't want to do this forever."
"Do what forever?" Suddenly their father was at the door and both girls turned to look at him. Rayna felt a quiver of fear in her stomach, wondering how much he might have heard.
Tandy walked over and smoothed down the lapel on Lamar's tuxedo, even though it didn't need it. "I think Rayna might be feeling like she's too old to be a princess at the ball," she said teasingly, as she looked back at Rayna.
Lamar laughed softly. "You'll always be the princess at the ball, darlin'," he said. He looked at her appreciatively. "And a very pretty one, as always." He got a wistful look on his face then. "Your mama would be very proud of you two girls."
Rayna felt the same lump in her throat she always did when her father mentioned Virginia or even when she just thought about her. It had been four years and she still missed her terribly. It had been hard, growing up without her mother to guide her. Tandy had helped, but it wasn't the same. And Tandy was busy with college and sorority activities and boys, none of the things Rayna was involved with or had a real interest in. "I really miss her," she said softly.
She noticed her father seemed to clench his jaw. Virginia wasn't off-limits anymore, but he still wasn't much for talking about her, which Rayna still didn't understand. But it had been four years and she'd stopped trying to figure it out. She and Tandy could talk about their mother together and that was enough. "Let's go, girls," he said then, his voice a little stiff.
Rayna picked up the shawl she was going to wear around her shoulders and her purse. Lamar had already left the room, but Tandy waited for her. She smiled at her sister. "You do look like a princess, Rayna," she whispered in Rayna's ear. "The belle of the ball." Rayna couldn't help but smile a little. She really did like to dress up.
Once they were at the gala, Rayna let herself relax. She really did enjoy listening to the music, even though it wasn't her favorite, and she loved the food and watching the dancing. Tandy came back from the restroom and sat down next to her, setting a plate of hors d'oeuvres in front of her. She looked down at the plate and pointed at a round cracker with what looked like cream cheese and some black blob on top. "What is that?" she asked.
Tandy laughed. "Caviar, silly," she said. "Caviar on top of crème fraiche on a very thin blini."
Rayna made a face. "A what?"
Tandy picked hers up. "It's like a teeny tiny pancake." She nudged Rayna's arm. "Try it. I think you'll like it."
Rayna looked at it again and shrugged. Then she picked up the small appetizer and took a bite. It was a crazy mix of flavors, from the wheat taste of the little pancake to the sour cream taste of the whatever Tandy had called it to the saltiness of the caviar. She let it roll around in her mouth for a minute, then swallowed. She looked at her sister. "I think I like it," she said. Then she popped the rest of the appetizer in her mouth.
Tandy laughed. "Caviar is what rich people eat," she said. "So Daddy will be pleased."
Rayna rolled her eyes, but she had to admit to herself she liked the tasty little treat. So who cares if I have champagne tastes? She leaned closer to her sister. "So do you think Daddy's going to give me a car for my birthday?" Her sixteenth birthday was in a month and she was hoping he would. Not only would it give her a measure of freedom but it would mean she wouldn't have to rely on Tandy anymore to take her to open mics.
Tandy nodded. "I'm sure he will. I got one. No reason he wouldn't give you one." She leaned in to her sister's ear. "Plus, he asked me what kind I thought you'd like," she whispered.
Rayna sat back and gasped, a quick smile on her face. She looked around, then leaned back in. "I hope you told him one just like yours," she whispered.
"I did. Only that you wanted one in red." Tandy winked and then Rayna reached in and hugged her.
Having her own car made life easier. She no longer had to depend on Tandy for rides, although she did miss the opportunity to spend time with her sister. As she headed out to school, she thought about how happy her father had seemed the day he gave it to her. He had smiled, a genuine smile that actually reached his eyes, something she hadn't seen in a long time, since long before her mom had died. It had felt warm and loving, the gesture of handing her the keys and telling her to be careful. But, of course, as always, he'd had to ruin it, by reminding her she had a curfew and how she couldn't go anywhere other than school or to a friend's house or maybe to Tandy's apartment.
"None of this running around to listen to music or sneaking out to one of those songwriter things," he'd said sternly, his eyes practically boring a hole in her.
She had felt a chill run down her spine and a knot in her stomach. She wondered if he knew what she'd been doing. Had he followed her? Had someone been spying on her? "I don't know what you mean, Daddy," she'd said, struggling to keep her voice from sounding as shaky as she felt.
"I know you think now that you have a car, you're free to do whatever you like, but that's not the case, young lady," he said. "And I still don't want you trying to go to a bar or honky tonk or whatever to listen to music or go to unsupervised parties or hang out with boys. I know you'd like to, but you are forbidden to do that."
She let out a silent sigh of relief. Just his general instruction not to go sneaking out of the house. Of course, he didn't really know that she didn't get invited to many parties, supervised or otherwise, and that boys teased her because she liked country music. "I know, Daddy," she said. He turned then and walked back in the house.
She still didn't understand why he was so against her interest in music. It didn't seem to be all music, since he certainly was okay with the Symphony Gala, but he had told her she couldn't play "that damn hillbilly music" in the house and he didn't like to hear her playing her guitar. She really wished she understood, but it seemed to be just one more of those mysteries about Lamar Wyatt. She was, however, looking forward to the end of the school day, when she planned to go to the park and work on her music.
She was sitting at one of the picnic tables located just off the hiking trail in the front end of the park. She had decided not to bring her guitar after all and just work on lyrics. The guitar case was heavier than it seemed and lugging it up all those steps didn't seem like fun. She had finished the song she'd been working on for months, calling it 'Always Sing'. She wanted badly to do an open mic at the Bluebird, though, so she needed a second song. She'd been working on something for over two months, hoping it didn't take her as long to write as the first one. She looked at her first verse and the chorus she'd written.
I didn't know what I would find / When I went lookin' for a reason I know / I didn't read between the lines / And, baby, I've got nowhere to go / I tried to take the road less traveled by / But nothin' seems to work the first few times / Am I right?
So how can I ever try to be better? / Nobody ever lets me in / And I can still see you; this ain't the best view / On the outside, lookin' in / I've been a lot of lonely places / I've never been on the outside
She was happy with what she had so far. She'd started writing it one night when she'd felt particularly lonely and left out. There was a party going on she hadn't been invited to and it had been another one of those days where she walked down a hallway at school, past a group of her fellow students, and known they were whispering about her. The looks they gave her and how they talking stopped as she approached. She had wanted to run off somewhere and cry, but she had promised herself she wouldn't do that.
She sighed. It wasn't really that she wanted to hang around those students, but it still hurt to be left out. It made her, more than ever, want something to pop with her singing career. Or at least what she hoped would be her singing career. She pulled the current issue of Nashville Scene out of her backpack and started looking for all the open mics around town. She turned to a clean sheet in her notebook and started to write out a schedule, combining what was available with the dates her father would be out of town.
The Bluebird was always on her list, but until she had the two songs complete, that one wouldn't be on her final list. She sighed. The Bluebird was the mecca, for sure. She'd been there twice, just to watch. Tandy had taken her and they had both been impressed with the music. Tandy wasn't as into country music as she was, but she still appreciated good music. Hearing other songwriters was inspiring, but she knew that many of the open mic performers were in Nashville for just that – to write songs. She wanted more. She wanted to be onstage, performing before audiences as large as those who went to concerts at the Municipal Auditorium or at the Tennessee State Fairgrounds during Fan Fair.
The Bluebird would be her launching pad, she was sure. She had daydreamed so often of being discovered while performing on that stage that she knew she'd be disappointed if it didn't happen. Magic happened at the Bluebird Café and she wanted to be part of that. So she flipped back to the previous page in her notebook and started trying to come up with a second verse for her song.
She was still struggling with her second song, but kept up with open mics around town whenever she could. She had gone to a new artists' night down at a hole-in-the-wall place in Printer's Alley, where she'd played 'Always Sing' plus several covers. It was a young crowd, loud and mostly uninterested in the performers onstage. She had a few catcalls, a few 'show us your boobs' shout outs, but not much else. It had been disappointing, although she had gotten some tips, so she'd come home with a little bit of money in her pocket. But she was feeling discouraged when she finally turned off Harding Pike and headed for home.
She came in through the kitchen and walked out to the foyer, turning for the stairs, when her father's voice rang out. "Rayna, where have you been?"
She froze at first, then slowly turned around. He was standing at the door to the library, glowering at her. She felt a sense of panic. He was supposed to be out of town until the next day. She tried to swallow but her mouth was as dry as the Sahara. Her heart was racing. She took a deep breath as she tried to come up with a plausible story. She cleared her throat. "Studying," she croaked out. "Working on a project for school," she added, making sure her voice was steady.
Lamar's eyes narrowed. "With that guitar?" he asked, sounding as though he didn't believe her.
She shrugged, trying to appear more calm than she felt. "Just had it in my car," she said. "I'd taken it to the park and forgot to bring it in the other day." She let her breath out slowly, pleased at having come up with such a good reason for carrying it.
He stared at her for a long time and she could feel the perspiration on her back. She felt nauseous. "I better not ever catch you going to some…honky tonk and trying to play that thing," he said, a menacing tone to his voice. "You hear me?" All she could do was nod. "I mean it, Rayna. If I ever catch you doing something like that, you'll regret it." He lifted his hand and pointed it at her. "You live in my house, you live by my rules."
She didn't know what made her decide to challenge him then, but she did. "I don't understand why my playing music is such a big deal to you," she said. "You don't have to listen to it. Why do you care what I do?"
An angry look crossed his face. "You are too good for that, Rayna. You come from an important family in Nashville and you have an opportunity to do so much more with your life than panhandle for money in a park downtown like some common lowlife."
She put her hand on her hip. "How do you know I wouldn't be successful? That I wouldn't be able to play on big stages, in front of thousands of people, making good money? Doing something I love. Why are you so against it?"
"It's none of your concern, Rayna, other than to know that I won't have it. You'll go to college, like your sister, and get a good job. Be an asset. You have a good name and I won't see it sullied. The Wyatt name means something in this city and it's not playing hillbilly music." By this time, he'd raised his voice.
"It's not 'hillbilly' music, Daddy. You make it sound like there's something wrong with country music and there's not! I just don't understand why you hate it so much."
"I don't have to tell you my reasons, young lady. You're still a minor child and you live in my house and you'll do as I say as long as you live here. This folly of yours is not up for discussion." He glared at her as if he was challenging her to respond. She could see the vein on his temple beating and she decided to leave it alone.
"Yes, sir," she answered, keeping her voice steady but defiant. He looked at her for another moment, then turned and went back in the library. She breathed a sigh of relief and ran up the stairs and down the hall to her room.
While she waited for her sister, Rayna plucked at the guitar again, wincing each time the strings cut into her fingers. She wanted to be able to play the guitar – because it was her mom's wish for her – but the idea of callouses gave her pause. She hated being so vain, because she did truly believe you had to suffer for your music, but she wanted soft hands and she wanted pretty nails and it was hard to have that and play good guitar. That much she had figured out.
She took a deep breath, trying to settle her nerves, but it felt impossible. It almost felt like when she'd overdone it at Thanksgiving dinner and she was stuffed all the way to her throat. It was hard to breathe normally and the butterflies in her stomach were making her a little nauseous. In fact, she kind of wanted to throw up, but she was afraid to even do that, in case it meant she wouldn't be able to get on the stage. She put the guitar back in the case then and stood up.
As she looked up and out towards Hillsboro Pike, she saw her sister drive in, her top down and her hair fluttering around her face. That made her feel better and she smiled to herself. She watched as Tandy parked and got out of her car. She waved excitedly as Tandy approached and her sister smiled. "Oh, my God, Tandy, I'm so glad you're here," she squealed.
Tandy reached for a hug. "You're making your debut at the Bluebird. I wouldn't miss it," she said. "Are you unbelievably excited?"
Rayna nodded vigorously. "Excited. And nervous. And sick to my stomach. All at the same time."
Tandy laughed. "You'll be fine, sweetie." She stepped back and looked Rayna up and down. "You look perfect." Rayna had chosen a denim skirt and a sleeveless t-shirt with the Bluebird logo on it that she'd bought the last time she'd been there. She had on her favorite red boots and had worked, yet again, to straighten her unruly waves into a more sleek bob. She had on her dragonfly necklace, the one her mom had given to her on the last birthday she'd had before she died. She had always felt like that kept her mom close and she hoped it gave her strength and confidence that night.
Rayna took a deep breath and then picked up her guitar case. "Well, I guess I need to get in and get ready." She put an arm around Tandy's neck and hugged her again. "Thank you for coming," she said, feeling a little teary all of a sudden.
It felt like it was over in a second. She had been the tenth one out on stage and she'd felt seriously intimidated by the performers who'd gone out ahead of her. They had all seemed so polished and their songs had seemed so amazing, so nuanced and grown up and full of beautiful words and melodies and deep emotions. She felt like hers were exactly what they were – little girl songs written by a sixteen year old. But they were all she had and there was nothing to do but sing them. And so she had.
It had felt almost overwhelming, standing on the Bluebird stage. She had dreamed of it for so long and it did not disappoint. She stood on the stage, her guitar in her hands, and just looked out at the crowd for a second. Her eyes lighted on Tandy, who was beaming at her, and that helped to settle her nerves. She couldn't focus really on anyone else in the room, too afraid she wouldn't be able to open her mouth. It wasn't like it was a big place with a lot of people – there were quite a few empty seats – but it was the atmosphere and the legend of it that made her feel simultaneously insignificant and part of something very special.
When she finished, the applause had been enthusiastic and there had even been some cheering. She couldn't stop smiling, even after she walked off the stage. She and Tandy stayed for a few more of the performers, then sneaked out at intermission, since she still had homework to do.
"How did that feel?" Tandy asked excitedly, as they walked across the parking lot.
Rayna was practically dancing at that point. "Oh, my God, Tandy, it was unbelievable! I mean, I've stood on a stage before and sang in front of people, but this was the Bluebird and it was amazing! I so want to do that again."
Tandy put her arm around her sister's shoulders. "You were a natural, Rayna. I can see you doing that again and again. And maybe one day getting to be that big star you want to be."
Rayna shook her head. "Not maybe, Tandy, I'm definitely gonna do it. Just watch. I'll be the Queen of Country Music one day. That's my goal."
Tandy smiled. "I know you can do anything you put your mind to, sweetheart. I would not bet against you." They had gotten to Rayna's car and stopped. "So will you try again here?"
Rayna nodded. "Yes. Every chance I can get. This is a place where all the important label people come, so maybe someone will see me and want to sign me."
Tandy frowned. "But you still have two years of school left, Rayna."
Rayna shrugged. "I don't care. If someone wants to sign me, I'll quit school."
"Oh, no, sweetie, you can't do that. School is important."
Rayna rolled her eyes. "To you and Daddy it's important. But I don't need a college degree to be a singer. Or a high school diploma, for that matter."
"But you're not ready to be on your own. How would you make money? Or rent an apartment? Or buy food?"
Rayna thought about that. "Why couldn't I still live at home?"
"Well, maybe you could, but you know how Daddy is about school. And your music."
Rayna raised her eyebrows. "I don't really care. He'll get over it." She wasn't nearly as confident as she tried to sound, but she also knew this was what she wanted, and she was just as determined to have it as it seemed her father was to keep her from it. She didn't intend to give up on her dream though.
Tandy put her hand on Rayna's arm. "Well, I know you need to get home," she said. "I'll see you Sunday."
Rayna watched as her sister walked off to her own car and then sighed. She opened the car door and slid her guitar case in, then got in the driver's side. As she pulled out onto Hillsboro Pike, and the sun was setting in the sky, she thought again about standing on the stage of the Bluebird, singing her songs, and a thrill ran through her. Even if her songs weren't the best or the most polished, she was still doing what she loved and she was sure she'd get better as time went on.
Rayna got in her car and headed for the Bluebird. It was a short drive and she found a parking place fairly close. She hoped it wasn't sold out and that she could get in. She had thought her father would never leave and he, of course, would never have allowed her to come here. She tried to come every Monday, hoping to get on stage again, but that night she knew she was too late. She got out of her car and hurriedly walked to the door. She stopped at the cashier stand and was glad there was room. She paid and then she glanced up on stage.
Open mic had already started and there was a duo on stage. It was the dark haired young man who caught her eye. He looked fairly young but she felt her insides melting as she listened to him sing, with the voice of an old soul, and play his guitar like he'd been born with it in his hands. He seemed to catch her eye too and he gave her a slight smile. Suddenly she couldn't quite catch her breath and she felt her heart pounding in her chest. She managed to make her way to an empty two top on the opposite side of the room and she practically collapsed in the chair.
"You wanna order something?" came a quiet voice in her ear.
She didn't take her eyes off the young man on stage and he seemed to be watching her too. "Diet Coke," she whispered.
She reached up and touched the necklace she was wearing. He smiled a little more and she felt something like heat lightning race through her body. She smiled back.
She was positive she had just fallen in love.