Numbness. I look up at my ceiling I realize I feel nothing. This sensation is wonderful, except when it is over and the guilt starts creeping back into my body. The sadness and the depression. The self loathing. It's not fair. How can some people be so happy? They can go to school and not even try but have a smile on their face. They see the bright side in everything. They can be social and have boyfriends, perfect boyfriends. They can excel in life. They have caring families, people to notice when they are feeling down. But, they don't feel down. They have little bumps in the road and they keep going.

Why can't that be me?

Why can't I be normal? Why can't I have friends? Why can't I be happy again? Is it really too much to ask? I just want to smile and be happy. I want to appreciate life. I don't want to be alone. I want friends, I want my father to love me. I've given you my thoughts and I've tried to make you feel bad for me. At first, the cutting was for the attention. I loved it when a friend would stop me in the locker room and ask. I loved how I could capture their attention with a simple scar, a drag of a cold blade against even colder skin. But it escalated. I started to believe the horrible things I told them about how I 'felt'. I started to hate myself, I started looking in the mirror and hating what I saw. I started feeling the food in the stomach, the uneasy weight. The little bumps in the road have become mountains that I can't get over. I'm lying on the ground, unable to get up as I watch those happy people keep moving. It's not fair. I want to be happy, I want to be a part of someone's life. I want someone to love me. But I'm a monster. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to live.

You know, I make up these worlds, alternate realities if you would, in my head. I live in them. It's a distraction for the real world and sometimes I want my worlds to be real. I have all of these reasons to be sad in my little worlds, because out here, in the real world, I should be happy. Sure, I don't have a great family or someone who loves me, but there should be a reason to be happy. I don't want to be here, I want to be alive somewhere else. I love him and in my mind he loves me too. But I can picture it now, what would really happen if Kurt and I were to date, to get married, to be together forever. He would tell me he loves me, I would would laugh and tell him to stop lying, he would tell me that I'm beautiful and I would tell him to look again, he would tell me how happy he is with me and I wouldn't be able to look at him. I shouldn't love him. I should stop, I will only hurt him. Oh gosh, I'm so fucking horrible. I can feel the tears, but I won't cry. I won't pity myself anymore. My two weeks are almost up. What am I going to do? I love him, but I will only hurt him. I need to stop existing. I need to remove myself, delete anything pertaining to me. But I'm so fucking scared. I want to die, but there is a part of me that's telling me to keep going. I'm so confused, why can't I die in a car accident? Why can't I die, without it being suicide?

I'm sorry for being all depressed.

I'm sorry for existing.

I'm sorry if I ruined your happy day by bring you down.

I'm so sorry. It's just so hard for me to not be like this. Please don't hate me, I'm sorry.

Kurt's probably off being happy, surrounded by the people who love him. I want him to be happy, I love the thought of him being happy. I want him to succeed in life, for him to achieve all of his dreams. I know I won't be there along with him, I know if I kill myself it will mean so little to him. I'm kind of okay with that. I won't hurt him if I died. I mean nothing to him. I'm a the villain in his eyes. Good, he needs to hate me so when I off myself, he won't feel a thing. I just hope he's ready for the funeral, if he even comes. I know I am. I've had this suit made when I knew for sure I was going to die. It's simple, white shirt, green tie, black blazer and pants. I feel as if it's fitting for me, a simple outfit for a simple goodbye. I want to be buried with one other thing, my mother's wedding ring. My dad refused to let be buried with it, he wanted to keep it with him. But I want it, I used to stare at it, mesmerized by its beauty. It was a ring fitting for my mother.

I look at my clock and the red digital numbers are telling me to go to sleep. But not tonight. I'm going to stay up and think some more. Think about my mother, Kurt, my life, what's going to happen tomorrow, how I wish that there would be no tomorrow, how I hate myself, how maybe my suicide would be a favor to everyone else.

I apologize once more. I apologize for telling you my story. It's going to end very soon and I'm very sorry for pulling you along. But thank you for listening.

AN- You should all hate me, I'm so sorry for what a terrible human being I am. I haven't updated in like a year.