I take it back. I didn't mean it, Kurt. I don't hate you,I can't hate you. Not when I see that glowing smile of yours. Even though I'm watching from the other side of the crowded coffee shop. I thought about telling you of my plans, walking up there and just completely breaking down. I know you would try to escape the situation but you're too nice of a person to just leave me there crying. Blaine would sit there, like the idiot he is, completely useless. I honestly don't understand how you could choose him over me. Sure, I'm disgusting, but I could change. Really, I could be completely gorgeous, I could make you proud to have me as your boyfriend. But I'm not your boyfriend. I'm not even your friend. You're not my angel, my savior. You're just some guy who will probably never read this.

I take another sip from my cold coffee. I've been here way too long. I should go home, lay back down in bed, and just close my eyes. But I know what's waiting for me at home. My suit is hanging in my closet, it's been taunting me. The urge to rip open my wrists has been growing but I can't bring myself to do it. My first attempt cannot be deemed as a suicide attempt. I had put on my uniform, the only thing that looked decent on me, and locked myself in my bathroom.I knew no one would stop me, no one cared enough. I taped my suicide note to the bathroom mirror. It was a simple apology to anyone who read it. My existence has been unpleasant for everyone who's ever encountered me. I sat in the bathtub, happy that I was going to do something productive with my life. Funny how it was productive to end it. I held my blade over my wrist, the delicate skin that it would tear into, and I froze. I couldn't force myself to do it. Thoughts of Kurt just came to my mind. He would be disappointed if I ruined this uniform with blood. It wasn't his favorite outfit, but it was still a decent suit. He would disapprove of my suicide note; it wasn't personal enough and I needed to pour my emotions into it. He wouldn't smile when he would hear the news, he wouldn't be overjoyed that the man who ruined his life was dead. My death wouldn't make him happy. I have to at least make Kurt happy with my death. I had sat there until my father came home angry as always. When it came to the one important action I could ever do, I failed.

I'm a coward.

With everything that I am, a coward is the worst. Now I sit in my bathroom for hours, just staring at my blades. They shine bright in the fluorescent lighting and contrast nicely with the porcelain sink. My collection has grown and with it has my collection of scars. However, my wrists are clean. I've been contemplating other options. I don't want to be found in a puddle of my own blood, it's quite morbid. If I take pills, I'll just drift away. Maybe I'll dream of Kurt of that smile, God I love his smile. The way he laughs just brightens my day. I created this Kurt in my head. He asks about my day and comforts me when I've had a bad day, which is pretty much everyday. I know that isn't healthy, but when have I ever been healthy. My diet consists of black coffee and gum. When I really need it, I force a piece of toast down my throat. My Kurt reminds me that I have to be thin if I want the real Kurt to love me. I have to tell him that I don't want Kurt to love me, I need him to despise me. I need him to be the driving force to kill myself. This emptiness I feel isn't enough. I need him to tell me that he hates me, that he could never imagine loving me, that I disgust him. I need him to tell me all of the terrible thoughts I have. I need him to believe them too. I know e doesn't love me, that he could never love a monster like me. I had fat practically hanging off of my body. I could feel people's eyes when I walked into a room, judging me. My eyes were the color of mold, a disgusting green. I wish I could rip them out of my skull. If I could manage a smile, it was crooked and unflattering. My hair was a dirt shade of brown and it laid flat against my head. I had no energy to style it anymore. The only beauty I have is my scars. My reminders that I'm nothing. The blood is a wonderful shade of red and when it dries, it adds color to my pale body.I was nowhere near as gorgeous as Kurt. With those perfect blue eyes, his perfectly styled hair, and his beautiful smile, he could be a model. Sure he was pale as well, but it was like he was made of porcelain. He looked perfect, as though someone had hand crafted him like a doll.

I have to get out of here,I can't spend my day staring at him. I get up and make my way to the exit, pushing through the patrons of the Lima Bean. I get into my car and I sit there. I couldn't go home, not where that suit would remind me of my cowardliness. I couldn't go to school, I had no purpose there. I had nowhere to go. I had no one to talk to.

I was lost and alone.